Partner left at 30 wks pregnant - here's what I'm offering

[Baby3at40]

I'm 32 + 4 weeks now and I've offered a plan in moving forward with a partner that left at 30 wks.

For some back story...

His 8 year old daughter spat on my teenage son for the third time in 6 weeks. She wasn't punished or even spoken to about the first time which is probably what led to the rest. That's on him not her as she's still learning right from wrong (although at nearly 9 I would assume most kids know not to do this). First time it happened it was because she was putting her face in his face and he turned away (she's an intense character by her parents words) and the second and third time was because they were all playing she got embarrassed after falling so my son went to try and get her to come back to play to make her feel better.

We had a big argument of a lack of discipline/consequences over this as my son shouldn't be coming home from his dads who I have 5050 with, to be spat on. Following a huge row while the kids were in the house, he decided to leave and in 48 hours I had a message from the landlady to say he wants out of the contract.

6 days later he had a removals van outside the house to take his things but also took the fridge freezer, sofa, (which is a sofa bed) and the bed we slept on. He is the one who bought all these items to be fair to him but it would have been nice to get a "you're 30 weeks pregnant shall I at least leave the sofa bed until you buy a bed to sleep on".

The day he moved out he was very upset and said "this is nothing that can't be fixed". Which blew my mind a bit. We've been trying to spend time together as he still wants to be with me but there's so much anger from me about actioning something so serious so fast I've been finding it difficult.

Today I've decided I can't forgive him and I'd rather coparent our baby successfully but no relationship.

I've sent a very amicable email offering 5050 when the baby is at an appropriate age - from a few phone calls to different solicitors the courts don't recommend 5050 in babies younger than 18 months anyway.

I've said that he can be at mine to bond at the baby as much as he likes (in accordance with a sleeping routine etc of course) and my plan is to always work towards her being able to have a 5050 arrangement, just at an age where its appropriate.

He thinks I'm doing this for financial gain. When I've not once mentioned to him that I've had to buy a new bed, mattress, fridge freezer and sofa. I've bought a new moses basket in the last week and kitted out her nursery with a new cotbed and drawers and decorated it myself, all the while not brought it up with him in terms of finances. I've never asked my sons dad for a penny as we have 5050 so I feel he knows deep down my priority is the kids wellbeing, not finances.

I'm thinking wanting 5050 from birth is actually him being financially motivated. From everything I've read, young babies need stability and consistency especially with their primary caregiver.

I'll reiterate I think 5050 is the best option, and I'm not restricting how much he wants to see the baby in the early days as it's important to me that she bonds with her dad. But I don't think it should happen from birth and 3 solicitors have advised today that judges always consider a babys age and under 18 months is usually a no, especially if I'm being reasonable about how much he gets to see her.

He said he wants to firstly go to family meditation as he wants to fight me on this.

I feel exhausted, I'm trying to do the right thing and feel like I'm getting nowhere. All the while today being told the midwife thinks I'm anemic as I'm feeling faint a lot and I'm growing a very large baby so now consultant led. I've tried to relieve the stress by offering the above and it just doesn't seem good enough?

@potterpants

Let your midwife help you. Let solicitors help you. Let womensaid help you. And fgs do not put this twat of a man on the bc. Ignore him now. Block him and get a solicitor if you can. You need these last few moments of pregnancy to be peaceful for your health.

No good person allows a 30 week pregnant woman to go without a bed. That's not even anything to do with a dp.

Even a friend wouldn't do that. None of my colleagues would do this ffs!! He did it to punish you and make you feel so small. You're not small. He feels in a bad situation now as he was planning to have you around to raise his dd more successfully than you are and now you've said you're not going back he's realised he may lose a penny or two and is playing games to avoid this. Sounds to me like he'd literally rather have the newborn baby at any cost, including at the newborns welfares expense, than have to hand a single penny to you to help raise the baby in a better way.

Come on OP. You've got this. For your baby and your teenager. Get as far away as possible from this man. Forget holding onto feelings that aren't there. Your baby will be fine without that mess of a man in their life. That's why you left wasn't it? He couldn't raise a dc appropriately.

I've changed my number, he can email but at least that makes me feel like I've got space to breathe.

I think last week i thought maybe it could be worked out not realising quite how abusive he was and that's shameful of me. I should have seen it. But I'm seeing it slowly.

I have a lot of work to do but like so many have said, he's shown who he is now.

I have tests this morning for Gestational Diabetes because baby is so big and tests for anemia as I keep feeling so faint. I'll be in the hospital a while, he knows about the appointments as I told him about the growth scan the other day and he was there.

I hope he's not there today as I'm going to be there for around 2-3 hours 😩

I won't be giving him any more information until the baby is born.

Kiddo, apart from a very clear “Don’t contact me at all!”, you’re best not saying anything to him at all. That’s what solicitors are for. If he comes around, you can quite confidently call the police. He is a very bad man. Do not let him or his family let you think you are exaggerating.

Also, don’t give him any info until you are ready and you feel safe.

Am I being unreasonable is saying I don't want her around the baby?

You are not getting the point here.

The person who shouldn't be around the baby is the baby's father.

He is toxic and he is only insisting on 50-50 so that
1 - he won't have to pay child support and
2 - he can continue to abuse you - as long as there is any contact between you and him he will find ways to hurt you.

He will use the baby to do that. He doesn't give a rat's ass for the baby. He doesn't give a rat's ass about his 8 year old either.

You have heard with your own ears the emotional and psychological abuse he is capable of. He tells the 8 year old she is thick and her mother doesn't care about her. This man should not have any contact with any child.

If the father isn't around then neither will the daughter.

The daughter is not the problem here.

Try to imagine your own baby at 8. For a preview of what your little girl will be like if she has to spend time with this man, summon up a picture of the 8 year old, and think about how he has damaged her..
….....

Has the grandmother spoken to the mother yet about the abuse her child is suffering?

@mathanxiety I know exactly what you're saying. I think because it's so fresh and raw I'm trying to process everything so fast before baby is born and my head can't work fast enough.

It's like there's a different penny dropping every day and comments like yours really are helping so thank you.

Please listen and do not put him on the birth certificate. So much becomes a nightmare if horrible men have PR.

Stop and breathe… he doesn’t even have a say in the name, Love.

[quote Baby3at40]**@CrumpetStrumpet* @2DogsOnMySofa* thanks both. It really has been an eye opener the last few days.

There's no way he will be there at the birth as that's a time I will be at my most vulnerable and I'm not comfortable with him there. After what's happened, I don't see him as a supportive person.

I explained last week when we met to talk (he wanted to stay together but live apart for now and try to get back to living together and get married etc)... That even if I did get on well with him in the next 50 days, that's not enough for him to be at the birth.

His response "what about the baby and what's best for her" to which I said she won't even know!

Then he said...

"Yes she will when I tell her when she's older you didn't allow me to be at the birth".

This, during my late night call to women's aid who I now see weekly sounded so much worse when I heard her reaction on the phone. She said he's using coercive behaviour to get me to do what he wants and during labour that should not be anything to do with what he wants.

I'm slowly having my eyes opened so thank you everyone x[/quote]
When she’s older you can tell her that there is one person who needs support during birth- the woman giving birth. The baby needs their mother and medical support. The mum needs medical support and whoever will be there for her. The mum should not let anyone else in. You can tell her she might have a husband she loves very much and who will be a great dad, but if they fall apart at the sight of blood or are useless in high pressure situations it’s totally ok to say they can’t be there until baby is born. A woman giving birth needs to look after herself and her baby. No one else should have any say except for medical staff.

@timeisnotaline thanks. When I rang WA the other day as extra support for what they're giving anyway, I told her that he said that.

She pointed out how manipulative that sentence is - threatening my daughter with potential upset when she's older just to get what he wants now, and implying that I'm the cause / I'm the one that will upset her (even though he is the one saying he will tell her!)

Like I said there's a different penny dropping every day 😢

I'm so glad you are getting support from WA.

How did your tests go? Did your ex show up at the hospital?

@RobertsRadio no he didn't show. I know he had booked his car in to get checked over at the same time, but personally I feel that could be rearranged. He'd asked me a few days ago to contact him if he needs to know anything about the baby.

Errr turn up to appointments and find out for yourself! I told him I'm not his PA and he had the same opportunity as me to find out information in our 2 hour appointment yesterday! I'm not going to take time out of my day making sure he's updated when he can obtain that info himself by turning up. That's lazy parenting. Of course when the baby is here he will claim father of the year wanting to see can't as much as possible due to the financial implications of not! But while I'm growing baby he could not give a damn. Well that felt good to get off my chest!

Tests went OK and docs gave results on same day but just in case anyone he knows is on the site (highly unlikely) I'm not going to post results for him to find out through being lazy.

I'm under a consultant regardless of results and meeting them next week, another appointment he's aware of. Doubt he'll turn up to that either and that's even more of important one. Like someone said on here, he's showing me what he's like every day!

@Baby3at40 why are you so bothered that he did not attend the appointments?

Can you not see, that by him NOT attending means that you can further detach from him.

@REignbow I think it's the shock. Thinking he was someone he isn't

You said 8 year old’s mum reacted well when you told her about the spitting incident. Can you tell her about your worries about her daughter being badly behaved towards your baby when they meet? She’s in a position to prep her daughter, explain babies are fragile, reassure her she is loved and secure and safe (at lease at home with mum!).

@Thewheelsfalloffthebus she was great Wren we spoke on the phone.

He has now sent her an email I sent him when he left saying that the 8 year olds behaviour was aggressive and how it was unfair for any of my children to come home to that. I said in the shall my home should be haven to my children not a place where they don't want to come back to because they don't want to be spat in the face.

I don't know how different that is from what I told her (I was quite honest!) but she sent a message saying "he's shown me the email how dare you speak like that about my caring little girl".

So he's ruined that.

At the same time she's rung his mother to try and get the girls to stay with her and not be with him for a while on the back of what I told her. The grandmother just said it's between them two and not to get her involved and from what I've been told by him the girls are back with him 5050 so she didn't get her wish.

Yes well that was pretty manipulative on his part to share the email with his ex.
The thing is, you sent that email after he’d failed to react appropriately to the incident. You didn’t need to escalate your point that way with your SDs mother because she accepted that the spitting was unacceptable in the first place. So it probably feels overly harsh to her.

Like I said previously, you really need to detach.

@REignbow yes that was a few weeks ago immediately after he left. I've detached and let him know that I've no desire to engage with anyone that thinks his treatment of me is acceptable.

@Thewheelsfalloffthebus I think it's harsher seeing it written down in black and white also. I kinda get it but where she's being protective of her daughter she should also understand that I'm being protective of my son and unborn daughter.

I've been worrying about the 8 year old being around the baby due to her behaviour and melt downs when others get attention, but like a poster put on here already, it's probably him I need to be worried about. Or rather both.

@Baby3at40
For what it's worth. Amazon silver nipple shields seem to be a godsend for sensitive nipples - just read it on another thread! Lol

@toogoodforthisworld ah thanks. I've bought some cream and using it already to see if it helps make less sensible birth, as it looks like she will be here earlier due to being so big 😬.