Partner left at 30 wks pregnant - here's what I'm offering

[Baby3at40]

I'm 32 + 4 weeks now and I've offered a plan in moving forward with a partner that left at 30 wks.

For some back story...

His 8 year old daughter spat on my teenage son for the third time in 6 weeks. She wasn't punished or even spoken to about the first time which is probably what led to the rest. That's on him not her as she's still learning right from wrong (although at nearly 9 I would assume most kids know not to do this). First time it happened it was because she was putting her face in his face and he turned away (she's an intense character by her parents words) and the second and third time was because they were all playing she got embarrassed after falling so my son went to try and get her to come back to play to make her feel better.

We had a big argument of a lack of discipline/consequences over this as my son shouldn't be coming home from his dads who I have 5050 with, to be spat on. Following a huge row while the kids were in the house, he decided to leave and in 48 hours I had a message from the landlady to say he wants out of the contract.

6 days later he had a removals van outside the house to take his things but also took the fridge freezer, sofa, (which is a sofa bed) and the bed we slept on. He is the one who bought all these items to be fair to him but it would have been nice to get a "you're 30 weeks pregnant shall I at least leave the sofa bed until you buy a bed to sleep on".

The day he moved out he was very upset and said "this is nothing that can't be fixed". Which blew my mind a bit. We've been trying to spend time together as he still wants to be with me but there's so much anger from me about actioning something so serious so fast I've been finding it difficult.

Today I've decided I can't forgive him and I'd rather coparent our baby successfully but no relationship.

I've sent a very amicable email offering 5050 when the baby is at an appropriate age - from a few phone calls to different solicitors the courts don't recommend 5050 in babies younger than 18 months anyway.

I've said that he can be at mine to bond at the baby as much as he likes (in accordance with a sleeping routine etc of course) and my plan is to always work towards her being able to have a 5050 arrangement, just at an age where its appropriate.

He thinks I'm doing this for financial gain. When I've not once mentioned to him that I've had to buy a new bed, mattress, fridge freezer and sofa. I've bought a new moses basket in the last week and kitted out her nursery with a new cotbed and drawers and decorated it myself, all the while not brought it up with him in terms of finances. I've never asked my sons dad for a penny as we have 5050 so I feel he knows deep down my priority is the kids wellbeing, not finances.

I'm thinking wanting 5050 from birth is actually him being financially motivated. From everything I've read, young babies need stability and consistency especially with their primary caregiver.

I'll reiterate I think 5050 is the best option, and I'm not restricting how much he wants to see the baby in the early days as it's important to me that she bonds with her dad. But I don't think it should happen from birth and 3 solicitors have advised today that judges always consider a babys age and under 18 months is usually a no, especially if I'm being reasonable about how much he gets to see her.

He said he wants to firstly go to family meditation as he wants to fight me on this.

I feel exhausted, I'm trying to do the right thing and feel like I'm getting nowhere. All the while today being told the midwife thinks I'm anemic as I'm feeling faint a lot and I'm growing a very large baby so now consultant led. I've tried to relieve the stress by offering the above and it just doesn't seem good enough?

@Baby3at40

Do not put this man's name on your baby's birth cert.

It is the absolute worst mistake you could possibly make.

Please, please stop trying to win the gold medal for niceness here and for the love of God look out for your own interests and those of your baby.

This man stole your bed and your fridge from you and the baby and your son when you are 30 weeks pregnant with his baby.

He is threatening you with fighting you for joint custody from birth.

He calls his own little daughter 'thick' and tells her lies about her mother. This is why this child is so messed up and angry. Call that mother asap and tell her about the treatment her daughter is being subjected to.

Do not do anything for this abusive prick unless a judge in a family court orders it. Stop being nice. Nobody is handing out medals for 'Best abused woman in Britain'.

@TheRealBoswell, she doesn't need any proof of bad behaviour or in fact any reason at all to not put his name on the birth cert. She owes no explanation of that decision to anyone.

(Apart from protecting her own best interests and those of the baby that is.)

OP, do you not see that taking the bed, sofa, and fridge was his way of kicking you in the teeth?

He knows that if he were to actually kick you he could be prosecuted, so instead he did something cruel and heartless that he can't be prosecuted for, something that he planned and carried out in cold blood. He had plenty of time to reconsider and to think of you but he put time and energy into plotting and carrying out this cruel thing.

I don't know why you are falling over yourself trying to find a kernel of reasonableness in what he did to you. It was cold, calculated fury on his part.

If you allow yourself to continue to be tied to this man by means of the baby he is going to spend the rest of his days until your baby turns 18 plotting cruel revenge on you and using the child to exact it. Look at what he is doing to his own 8yo daughter for a preview of your own baby's childhood.

i wouldn't wan't this guy anywhere near a new baby. He sounds as though he is not suitable to be with a baby, older children and in any relationships. He has taken your furniture, kind of deserted his unborn baby, and made demands about what he want's to happen later.

He sounds as though he is of no use to anybody.

I read that courts favour dads access over breastfeeding anyway, but he will argue that he can have the baby after work, he works from home. Lives about half hour from me now.

Ha! Tell you what, why doesn't he do all the nights and you do all the days. See how long that bloody lasts, when he's a sleep deprived zombie and you're getting perfect undisturbed nights sleep.

@mathanxiety And? I didn’t say OP owes anyone an explanation etc.

This was from OP: He can (and he will) fight to have his name on there (they can petition to the court) and I have no reasonable reason to not put him on there.

I was just saying to seek legal advice before making any decisions that will effect her and the baby.

Thanks for all your input. That's a lot of information and I'll address some now.

Regarding putting up with how he spoke to his daughter. It's really difficult when you're in the midst of what it seems now to be a controlling relationship, to speak up. There were things that happened that made me feel like I was walking on eggshells with him. When he said to his daughter that her mum doesn't give a shit about her, I did intervene then and say he can't say that to her. And yes I've told the girls mum what was said a couple of weeks ago, so that she can try and manage it.

I put up what was relevant to the question I had but I am under Womens Aid as of last week also - they have me on a course to recognise abusive behaviour as I'm ashamed to say I was blind that this was abuse. But combined with this course, and reading all the comments in one go, it's almost blindsided me at how awful he was but it's really hard to see.

They have a 24 hour helpline and last night is the first time I rang them after reading all of this. Apparently abusers can trick the victim by doing very little things so in isolation they may not seem that big but they slowly creep up to more often and it's only when I look back and put it all together does it start to make sense.

Thanks everyone for advice, there's lots here to think about.

Tbf, I would be asking him to leave you the fuck alone until after the birth and in the meantime, getting as much info from SD’s mum about his parenting so that you DON’T have to go 50/50 with him because he sounds like an abusive fucker as a parent. There is no way in hell I’d want him alone with my child.

@Baby3at40 loads of us have been there, I'm really glad you're getting some real life support.

Do not put this man's name on your baby's birth cert

Please, I second this. Keep this man away from your child as much as is humanly possible.

@Baby3at40, please ask MN to move your thread to Relationships.

You will get solid advice there.

@mathanxiety Oohh I'm a bit of a newbie how do I do that 😬

[quote Baby3at40]@mathanxiety Oohh I'm a bit of a newbie how do I do that 😬[/quote]
We've done it for you now!

@LilyMumsnet thank you!

Relationships break down, blended families are tough, things go wrong even when you're or pregnant, shit happens as they say. But the character of a person after the breakup tells you a lot about who they are. Op you're being reasonable and trying to do what's best for everyone, even to the detriment of yourself. Your dp has been a complete shit bag, who on Earth leaves their pregnant partner with no fridge or bed and rings the landlord the day they leave, potentially putting the roof over your head in danger - this is the man you're trying to treat fairly.

Time to get your head on and look after yourself and the baby. Bring to his attention how shit his recent behaviour has been.
Don't put him on the bc
Do claim cms
Do tell him to take you to court if he doesn't like your proposal
Do put you and the baby first when figuring out the best proposal to put to him
Don't be intimidated
Don't have him at the birth

Just want to add my voice to the people saying do not put this man's name on the BC.

Give him parental responsibility and he almost guaranteed to use it to hurt and control you both.

Forget any ideas regarding 'but he's the father' Many men who are fathers done deserve to be so and he sounds like one of them. If he turns out to suprise you and be a great dad then be can always be added later. If he stays in character as an utter bastard then you'll be in for a lifetime of pain if he has PR.

Don't have him at the birth either. It will make it so much harder for you. He has no right to be there either. I firmly believe that that only person who had had right to decide that is the person pushing a baby out of their vagina.

@CrumpetStrumpet @2DogsOnMySofa thanks both. It really has been an eye opener the last few days.

There's no way he will be there at the birth as that's a time I will be at my most vulnerable and I'm not comfortable with him there. After what's happened, I don't see him as a supportive person.

I explained last week when we met to talk (he wanted to stay together but live apart for now and try to get back to living together and get married etc)... That even if I did get on well with him in the next 50 days, that's not enough for him to be at the birth.

His response "what about the baby and what's best for her" to which I said she won't even know!

Then he said...

"Yes she will when I tell her when she's older you didn't allow me to be at the birth".

This, during my late night call to women's aid who I now see weekly sounded so much worse when I heard her reaction on the phone. She said he's using coercive behaviour to get me to do what he wants and during labour that should not be anything to do with what he wants.

I'm slowly having my eyes opened so thank you everyone x

He is such a bully! As if a baby cares!

I've been having a panic today as to how to deal with the baby and his 8 year old daughter following this spitting /melt downs when his other daughter gets attention/her admitting she didn't want her friends over in case they paid the baby attention.

I have a duty of care for my baby and I don't trust the 8 year old (although I feel sorry for her as I think this has stemmed from her dads behaviour) - but my priority is the baby.

Am I being unreasonable in saying I don't want her around the baby?

I want to throw a whole huge blanket over you and your kids and his 8 year old.

For what it's worth, my father told my Mum she was so worthless that she couldn't be trusted to care for me. She went to college, she went on to get a good job, then she went on to get a brilliant job. She retired last year at the top of her field.

He had several children before and after me, he was vile to all of their mothers. I have a minimal relationship with him now, and I'll never be able to convey to him how much I can't stand him for derailing my relationship with my Mum, he told me she didn't give a shit about me- she did, and it took decades to fix.

Get your midwife and womens aid involved, you don't need to do this alone.

@Baby3at40 I am pleased to read that you are in communication with WA.

Your eyes are being opened and you will see all of his behaviour is right. The fact that he says those things to his daughter and left you without a bed, tells you who he is.

Also, you are no longer a couple so why do you need to meet him and discuss anything? Do not meet him and block his number. Prioritise, your DC, your baby and yourself.

His wants and wishes are not of your concern.

As others have said. Do not put him on the birth certificate and give her your surname.

Keep posting, as l bet he has done other things that you have not realised were abusive.

Yes, tell your midwife immediately about this as they can offer you support as well.

OP, if your baby's father tells your daughter that you didn't allow him at the birth, who cares? Your daughter will see an example of a woman who was able to stand up for herself and her needs and say 'no'. Great example!

Let your midwife help you. Let solicitors help you. Let womensaid help you. And fgs do not put this twat of a man on the bc.
Ignore him now. Block him and get a solicitor if you can. You need these last few moments of pregnancy to be peaceful for your health.

No good person allows a 30 week pregnant woman to go without a bed. That's not even anything to do with a dp.

Even a friend wouldn't do that. None of my colleagues would do this ffs!! He did it to punish you and make you feel so small. You're not small. He feels in a bad situation now as he was planning to have you around to raise his dd more successfully than you are and now you've said you're not going back he's realised he may lose a penny or two and is playing games to avoid this. Sounds to me like he'd literally rather have the newborn baby at any cost, including at the newborns welfares expense, than have to hand a single penny to you to help raise the baby in a better way.

Come on OP. You've got this. For your baby and your teenager. Get as far away as possible from this man. Forget holding onto feelings that aren't there. Your baby will be fine without that mess of a man in their life. That's why you left wasn't it? He couldn't raise a dc appropriately.