Partner left at 30 wks pregnant - here's what I'm offering

[Baby3at40]

I'm 32 + 4 weeks now and I've offered a plan in moving forward with a partner that left at 30 wks.

For some back story...

His 8 year old daughter spat on my teenage son for the third time in 6 weeks. She wasn't punished or even spoken to about the first time which is probably what led to the rest. That's on him not her as she's still learning right from wrong (although at nearly 9 I would assume most kids know not to do this). First time it happened it was because she was putting her face in his face and he turned away (she's an intense character by her parents words) and the second and third time was because they were all playing she got embarrassed after falling so my son went to try and get her to come back to play to make her feel better.

We had a big argument of a lack of discipline/consequences over this as my son shouldn't be coming home from his dads who I have 5050 with, to be spat on. Following a huge row while the kids were in the house, he decided to leave and in 48 hours I had a message from the landlady to say he wants out of the contract.

6 days later he had a removals van outside the house to take his things but also took the fridge freezer, sofa, (which is a sofa bed) and the bed we slept on. He is the one who bought all these items to be fair to him but it would have been nice to get a "you're 30 weeks pregnant shall I at least leave the sofa bed until you buy a bed to sleep on".

The day he moved out he was very upset and said "this is nothing that can't be fixed". Which blew my mind a bit. We've been trying to spend time together as he still wants to be with me but there's so much anger from me about actioning something so serious so fast I've been finding it difficult.

Today I've decided I can't forgive him and I'd rather coparent our baby successfully but no relationship.

I've sent a very amicable email offering 5050 when the baby is at an appropriate age - from a few phone calls to different solicitors the courts don't recommend 5050 in babies younger than 18 months anyway.

I've said that he can be at mine to bond at the baby as much as he likes (in accordance with a sleeping routine etc of course) and my plan is to always work towards her being able to have a 5050 arrangement, just at an age where its appropriate.

He thinks I'm doing this for financial gain. When I've not once mentioned to him that I've had to buy a new bed, mattress, fridge freezer and sofa. I've bought a new moses basket in the last week and kitted out her nursery with a new cotbed and drawers and decorated it myself, all the while not brought it up with him in terms of finances. I've never asked my sons dad for a penny as we have 5050 so I feel he knows deep down my priority is the kids wellbeing, not finances.

I'm thinking wanting 5050 from birth is actually him being financially motivated. From everything I've read, young babies need stability and consistency especially with their primary caregiver.

I'll reiterate I think 5050 is the best option, and I'm not restricting how much he wants to see the baby in the early days as it's important to me that she bonds with her dad. But I don't think it should happen from birth and 3 solicitors have advised today that judges always consider a babys age and under 18 months is usually a no, especially if I'm being reasonable about how much he gets to see her.

He said he wants to firstly go to family meditation as he wants to fight me on this.

I feel exhausted, I'm trying to do the right thing and feel like I'm getting nowhere. All the while today being told the midwife thinks I'm anemic as I'm feeling faint a lot and I'm growing a very large baby so now consultant led. I've tried to relieve the stress by offering the above and it just doesn't seem good enough?

Taking the beds was proper low. What a complete and utterly scumbag.

@RobertsRadio

Stop being so desperate to appear reasonable that you'd hand over your baby to a man who lets his 8yr old DD spit without saying anything and then tells his DD she is thick. A man who went fishing on his paternity leave because he thought he deserved it. If you want to protect your newborn and keep her safe and well, DO NOT put his name on the birth certificate.

This, absolutely. Stop taking comfort in how ruddy reasonable you are and start worrying about the baby. No child deserves to be raised, even if only 50% of the time, by a man like this.

@Baby3at40

Addressing the fridge and bed and sofa. They were both bought by him before he moved in with me. When he moved in with me we got rid of my bed and fridge and sofa as they were older.

His argument is as he was moving out and had to provide for his children that he would need somewhere to put food in etc too and as he bought them.

Like I said I don't know what to think.

I think he could have said look I'm taking the bed or the sofa bed until you get one of those your own, just so you have a bed to sleep on 🤷‍♀️

Exactly. He could have been reasonable. He chose to be a dick.

How is it the spitting is what made you stand up to him, NOT the verbal abuse directed at his daughter? How could you, an adult, stand by and watch that, and give it your sent approval? Seriously what the fuck? "You need assurance he won't speak to your DD like that"? Why is she somehow special that she doesn't deserve to be abused but this poor 8 yr old does?

You made your bed by knowingly procreating with an abusive cunt. And I would say lie in it. But you cant because he stole it. Because he's an abusive cunt.

*silent approval

Did you tell the little girls mother the kind of thing he says to her?

@FeedMeSantiago

Don't have him at the birth. Don't put him on the BC or give baby his surname. If needs be tell him baby has been born after you've registered the birth.

A good man doesn't walk out on his pregnant partner at 30 weeks. He doesn't take her bed. Or her fridge.

He doesn't abuse his existing children by calling them thick and bad mouthing their mother to them.

Couldn't agree more with this! He sounds awful, and with his name on the birth certificate he will probably make things really difficult for you, it's all well and good going for eyed and saying 'its the right thing to do' but the implications of him having parental responsibility far exceed access/contact arrangements. You won't be able to get your daughter a passport without him, choose her school, make important medical decisions without his say so, for starters. He's proved he doesn't care about his kids enough not to try and get one over on their mother, so he'll definitely do the same with you.

OP, I know you're trying to be calm and reasonable, but you need to look at this objectively.

His ex has told you the kind of person he is.

You've seen the kind of person he is. He's the kind of person that calls their 8 yr old child horrible names to their face, and leaves a pregnant woman without a bed OR a sofa.

You're trying too hard to accommodate him.

Please, please, please don't put him on the birth certificate. If he turns out to be Dad of the Year and you co-parent beautifully, it's easy to get him put on the birth certificate. On the flip side, you can't get him taken off and once he has parental rights, if he turns out to be abusive and harms your child verbally you will have a much harder fight on your hands. If it helps, think of it as protecting your child - are you really willing to gamble with your child's future? Leaving him off the birth certificate for now will provide your baby with protection in case things turn nasty.

And obviously, don't give the baby his surname either. Men don't have a right to insist the baby has their name. You have the same rights to have your surname used.

Please, please listen to the women on here who made the same mistakes trying to be kind and now bitterly regret it.

One decision you can undo (by getting him added to the birth cert), the other one you can't.

Wow, he's a fucking piece of garbage, isn't he?! But surely you knew that the moment you heard how he spoke to his 8 year old, and still not only stayed with him, but procreated with him. With most women, the moment he emotionally abused his 8 year old - and that's what it is, abuse, we'd have chucked the maggot out of the house that night. You got pregnant to him, and decided to keep the baby. As a woman and a mother, I can't understand you. You got knocked up to a sewer dweller and you knew exactly what he was like. However at 30 weeks it's done now and the best you can do is keep him off the birth certificate, and prevent him seeing your DC as much as possible. Please listen other posters; do not, under any circumstances, put him on the birth certificate. No matter what. It is not 'fair' to the baby. He doesn't need to be on the birth certificate, he doesn't deserve to be on the birth certificate. You are too gullible and too much of a walkover by being nice to that abuser. You've seen how he abuses his own DC. Why would you put him on the certificate or allow him within a hundred miles of your baby? Fight him ever being near your baby (and least for the first few years) every step of the way. I would argue for supervised visitation at the very least.

@OnceMoreWithoutFeeling

How is it the spitting is what made you stand up to him, NOT the verbal abuse directed at his daughter? How could you, an adult, stand by and watch that, and give it your sent approval? Seriously what the fuck? "You need assurance he won't speak to your DD like that"? Why is she somehow special that she doesn't deserve to be abused but this poor 8 yr old does?

You made your bed by knowingly procreating with an abusive cunt. And I would say lie in it. But you cant because he stole it. Because he's an abusive cunt.

I hear you on this.

However if this is his general behaviour and OP has just found the strength to say "enough" then your post isn't helpful. Everyone knows what they would do if they were feeling fully confident, strong, and invincible; being scared of a nasty bully because you just don't expect anyone to be that awful repeatedly is a horse of a different colour.

And yes, if you haven't told the girl's mother the things he has said, I realise you don't owe the 8 year old anything, however this is an 8 year old girl who has been abused by her father - and yes, ask Social Services/any child counsellor or Child Psychologist, calling her thick and saying her mother doesn't care about her counts as emotional and psychological ABUSE and the mother can re-visit his contact with her to protect her. Or at the very least, get counselling for her. She spits and is nasty but it's quite obvious she has some real issues and they are not helped by her father's abuse of her. The girl needs support and help, and if her mother knows of the abuse she endure/d from her father, she can arrange that help and put in place coping measures.

Like others have said you need to put you and the baby first. You're not together anymore, you need to stop putting his feelings before your own - he's been a total shit - he took your bed, you're heavily pregnant, he didn't care if you had to sleep on the floor.

Tell him you'll be in contact when the baby arrives - with my ex i waited a week, till i was out of hospital and settled and ready to see him.

He doesn't have a right to be with you while you're in labour, and watching you give birth to his child will not make him into a better man or good father or committed partner, you'll just have a more stressful birth.

Your ex isn't going to look at the baby and change who he is, he'll still be a crap dad.

I'm one of the many who've been in your shoes - stop placating him, keep it businesslike and remember he took your bed and sofa bed to leave you, pregnant with his child, to sleep on the floor. You don't owe him reasonableness.

As lots have said, DON'T put him on the birthcert - he can go on eventually but don't hand him parental rights when you fundamentally disagree about initial level of access.

And try your best to keep up breastfeeding, far easier to resist him having the baby overnights - not guranteed, but def a help.

And remember for when the baby arrives, you can't make him care about his baby, or parent it differently that his daughter, so don't break your heart trying to.

@SpidersAreShitheads

OP, I know you're trying to be calm and reasonable, but you need to look at this objectively.

His ex has told you the kind of person he is.

You've seen the kind of person he is. He's the kind of person that calls their 8 yr old child horrible names to their face, and leaves a pregnant woman without a bed OR a sofa.

You're trying too hard to accommodate him.

Please, please, please don't put him on the birth certificate. If he turns out to be Dad of the Year and you co-parent beautifully, it's easy to get him put on the birth certificate. On the flip side, you can't get him taken off and once he has parental rights, if he turns out to be abusive and harms your child verbally you will have a much harder fight on your hands. If it helps, think of it as protecting your child - are you really willing to gamble with your child's future? Leaving him off the birth certificate for now will provide your baby with protection in case things turn nasty.

And obviously, don't give the baby his surname either. Men don't have a right to insist the baby has their name. You have the same rights to have your surname used.

Please, please listen to the women on here who made the same mistakes trying to be kind and now bitterly regret it.

One decision you can undo (by getting him added to the birth cert), the other one you can't.

This is exactly what I wanted to say. The more you try to be nice and accommodating to him, the more it reinforces to him that his wants and wishes are the most important thing here. The baby should be no.1 priority and that means creating a safe space for her to come into the world. Not a shaky space that depends on this man being kept happy.

Right now while you are pregnant he has zero rights to anything. Block all methods of communication, you don't need the stress while pregnant.

Once your baby arrives, settle in with your little one, sort your CB claim, birth certificate, GP etc. once you have recovered from the birth and got everything in place then let him know, via a proxy, sort out maintenance and ignore any suggestions of your infant being away from you, contact needs to be short and regular, and close to you.

Take back control, you need to protect yourself and your child from his petty games.

He really thinks he’s quite the prize doesn’t he.

Punishing you for disagreeing with him by walking out when you’re heavily pregnant and then taking the place you sleep and other items away from you, BUT with the sweetener of “this is nothing that can’t be fixed”. As in, know your place, behave as I say and then MAYBE you can win me, the prince among men, back”.

Fuck him OP. I truly admire how zen you are being here but he’s been abusive with you, he’s abusive with children, I certainly wouldn’t be making it easy for him to have contact because he won’t be any different with your child.

You have who you want at the birth. It’s YOUR choice, no-one else’s.

I’m horrified that he spoke to his dd like that, wtaf? And the spitting? Dear god, why wasn’t she absolutely bollocked for that? That’s considered assault, at nearly 9, she obviously knows better.

No judge will give him 50/50 once the baby is born. I personally wouldn’t put him on the birth certificate. It gives you space to breathe while he sorts that out. Why on earth be nice to this nasty arsehole? He took the bed when you were 30 weeks pregnant? Says it all about his character, frankly.

@RobertsRadio

Stop being so desperate to appear reasonable that you'd hand over your baby to a man who lets his 8yr old DD spit without saying anything and then tells his DD she is thick. A man who went fishing on his paternity leave because he thought he deserved it. If you want to protect your newborn and keep her safe and well, DO NOT put his name on the birth certificate.

This.

Also. Stop worrying about his needs and his being present at the birth. based on the way he's treating you at the moment and the stress he's causing I wouldn't be surprised if it wasn't raising your blood pressure which is not good for you or the baby.
For heavens sake, you are under extra medical supervision, with a consultants care because your baby is large and you clearly need every care and attention at a time like this.
If he gave a damn about the baby or anyone but himself he would be trying to make sure that your health in the last weeks of pregnancy was a priority. Instead he's doing the opposite.
And your response Dear OP is to worry about his feelings, his need to see the baby born and to be around the baby... to appear reasonable.
NO!!!
That is not reasonable, that is allowing him to continue to dictate things are run, in his best interest. Its unbelievable that having walked out - leaving a heavily pregnant woman to sleep on the floor he is behaving like this whilst still claiming he needs full access.
You don't have to strive to appear reasonable in his eyes.
Your one and only priority is to take care of your own and your baby's wellbeing and deliver that baby in a calm, secure atmosphere.

Nothing else matters and everything else can wait. You don't have to make any decisions now.
Sorry but I cannot see that given how he's behaving now that he will be able to make any contribution to that and he'd be the last person I'd want at the birth.. make sure you have that in your birth plan and let your midwife know the full story. Re do your birth plan now. Not based on what you think is fair to him, but what is the best for you and the baby.

Take legal advice and do what you must, but ex partner is no longer your first priority. You and Your baby and your son are and as time goes by that will become more and more apparent . Best of luck to you and your son and new baby.

@Baby3at40

I should add there's an added fear with the 5050 with the 8 year old. She admitted to me that if she has friends over she's not going to like them giving the baby attention. She has melt downs when her friends give her younger sister attention. With the spitting on my son in top - having the baby away from me around her when my ex will have to give the baby more attention - am I right to be concerned?!

I'd worry about that girl:s temper around the baby. And I:d worry about the father not being protective enough of the baby. He just seems to accept his daughter's filthy behaviour. Think of her spitting on an infant - that should her you up enough to fight this miserable excuse for a man. He should have intervened the first time your son was spat on. He should never have left you without a bed in your condition. What a pair he and his disgusting daughter make. I think you should do what others here have suggested - keep contact to s minimum and to set timed

@Baby3at40

Re: messages about the birth certificate. I think putting him on there is the right thing to do. He is their father and yes he will also be involved in decisions if he's on there, but I feel that is the right thing to do by the baby, putting him on there.

He can (and he will) fight to have his name on there (they can petition to the court) and I have no reasonable reason to not put him on there. I really do think that's the right thing to do by baby 😬

No it’s not. Write a list of the truly shitty things he’s said to his 8 year old child-there will be more if you’ve listed two awful comments here already. Think about how he went fishing on paternity leave or whatever else he fucked off to do because it’s ‘his time too’, and how you’re scared of his 8yos behaviour to baby if her dad is paying attention to a baby. Think of how he left you at 30 weeks pregnant to sleep on the floor.

So send him a message saying my baby is high risk, I think this is partly due to you leaving me and taking both beds in the house with you so I was left to sleep on the floor at 30 weeks pregnant. I am not going to talk to you again before my baby is born, I need to try and look after myself and baby.

Then: no he may not have free contact in your home. You can let him in for a couple of hours a week at a set time that suits you. Let him take you to court. He’s an asshole and you don’t have to trust your baby with him until court says you have to. When you do get to mediation take a list of things he’s said to his dd, and her behaviour. Say you’re worried, you’ve left him because he’s clearly trying to alienate his older daughter from her mum, and he can’t stop his daughter spitting on a teenager, you don’t trust him to protect your baby (you can push for contact to be different times from his contact with his dd)

@BlueOverYellow

He did you a massive favour by finally showing his true colours before the baby arrived.

He's a crap dad to his existing kids, which you ignored, tbh. Those kinds of comments to his child were never acceptable and should have been some serious red flags before having a baby with him yourself! Not to mention her behaviour doesn't appear to be a concern or corrected by him.

And now packing his stuff up after a fight and leaving a 32 week pregnant woman with no where to sleep but the floor with no notice tells you he's not a good man either.

Him accusing you of trying to keep the baby full time for now for financial game is hilarious and ridiculous. Keep the receipts for everything you just had to replace with no notice; keep the receipts for the baby's things you bought; keep a detailed list of everything he took with no notice whatsoever 6 days after he stropped out the door when you were quite pregnant. And keep track of every ridiculous thing he says to you or texts to you.

Frankly, I wouldn't want a small child to have 50 percent of their time with a man who talks to his children like that about the other parent. Good luck to you.

This in spades.

Good luck OP Think about what’s good for you and your baby. I’m wondering if you have proof that he took all things that you’d then have to replace, would that be good enough reason to leave him off the birth certificate? Please seek legal advise before making any decisions that will effect you and your baby.

*no it’s not the right thing to do to put him on the birth certificate. The right thing to do is to protect your baby and yourself as best as you can. That baby only has one responsible caring parent who’s not a selfish nasty asshole, you need to prioritise that parent and the baby. You and your baby. And you do that by leaving him off the birth certificate.

@timeisnotaline

*no it’s not the right thing to do to put him on the birth certificate. The right thing to do is to protect your baby and yourself as best as you can. That baby only has one responsible caring parent who’s not a selfish nasty asshole, you need to prioritise that parent and the baby. You and your baby. And you do that by leaving him off the birth certificate.

This. There is no need for you to continually put him first, he is already putting himself first and it sounds like he always has. You don't even need to consider his feelings in any of this, was he considering yours when he left you with no fridge, sofa or bed at 30wks pregnant? I would not be doing him any favours at this point, make your decisions based on what feels right for you and your baby and tell the court/mediator the whole truth about how he has behaved towards you and his DC.

Just saw you have sensitive nipples. Rub pure lanolin into them every day until the baby is born and you should be grand

IMO he sounds absolutely hopeless. I wouldn't put him on the birth certificate. Your poor son has had to put up with this awful man and his dd who spits in his face. I wouldn't want to put a new baby into that situation.