Partner left at 30 wks pregnant - here's what I'm offering

[Baby3at40]

I'm 32 + 4 weeks now and I've offered a plan in moving forward with a partner that left at 30 wks.

For some back story...

His 8 year old daughter spat on my teenage son for the third time in 6 weeks. She wasn't punished or even spoken to about the first time which is probably what led to the rest. That's on him not her as she's still learning right from wrong (although at nearly 9 I would assume most kids know not to do this). First time it happened it was because she was putting her face in his face and he turned away (she's an intense character by her parents words) and the second and third time was because they were all playing she got embarrassed after falling so my son went to try and get her to come back to play to make her feel better.

We had a big argument of a lack of discipline/consequences over this as my son shouldn't be coming home from his dads who I have 5050 with, to be spat on. Following a huge row while the kids were in the house, he decided to leave and in 48 hours I had a message from the landlady to say he wants out of the contract.

6 days later he had a removals van outside the house to take his things but also took the fridge freezer, sofa, (which is a sofa bed) and the bed we slept on. He is the one who bought all these items to be fair to him but it would have been nice to get a "you're 30 weeks pregnant shall I at least leave the sofa bed until you buy a bed to sleep on".

The day he moved out he was very upset and said "this is nothing that can't be fixed". Which blew my mind a bit. We've been trying to spend time together as he still wants to be with me but there's so much anger from me about actioning something so serious so fast I've been finding it difficult.

Today I've decided I can't forgive him and I'd rather coparent our baby successfully but no relationship.

I've sent a very amicable email offering 5050 when the baby is at an appropriate age - from a few phone calls to different solicitors the courts don't recommend 5050 in babies younger than 18 months anyway.

I've said that he can be at mine to bond at the baby as much as he likes (in accordance with a sleeping routine etc of course) and my plan is to always work towards her being able to have a 5050 arrangement, just at an age where its appropriate.

He thinks I'm doing this for financial gain. When I've not once mentioned to him that I've had to buy a new bed, mattress, fridge freezer and sofa. I've bought a new moses basket in the last week and kitted out her nursery with a new cotbed and drawers and decorated it myself, all the while not brought it up with him in terms of finances. I've never asked my sons dad for a penny as we have 5050 so I feel he knows deep down my priority is the kids wellbeing, not finances.

I'm thinking wanting 5050 from birth is actually him being financially motivated. From everything I've read, young babies need stability and consistency especially with their primary caregiver.

I'll reiterate I think 5050 is the best option, and I'm not restricting how much he wants to see the baby in the early days as it's important to me that she bonds with her dad. But I don't think it should happen from birth and 3 solicitors have advised today that judges always consider a babys age and under 18 months is usually a no, especially if I'm being reasonable about how much he gets to see her.

He said he wants to firstly go to family meditation as he wants to fight me on this.

I feel exhausted, I'm trying to do the right thing and feel like I'm getting nowhere. All the while today being told the midwife thinks I'm anemic as I'm feeling faint a lot and I'm growing a very large baby so now consultant led. I've tried to relieve the stress by offering the above and it just doesn't seem good enough?

You are incredibly kind and calm. Keep your focus on you and baby right now. I can't believe he's left like this, leaving you with nothing.
Can I suggest on top of all the other brilliant advice you've received that you save your emails from your landlord? If he's such a doting father who wants 50 per cent of time with his daughter, he has a funny way of showing it with his treatment of her while her mother is still pregnant with her.

He took your bed and fridge. You owe him sweet FA. That's a vile nasty man.
Don't have him at the birth, you need someone who will support you, I csn just imagine with the vile things he's said to his child that he'll have no issues criticising the way you look and act during child birth, it's not exactly when we're at our best!
And don't offer "whenever you want" contact. Because you've just told him that he can tell you when you can go out, when you can see family, when you can sleep. You've given him permission to show up unannounced, to say he's coming so you cancel plans then just not turn up. Every other day at a set time for a set duration that works around your own routine. He can show or not show but you'll be home and available.
How well he bonds with her dictates how soon he can have unsupervised contact, overnights and, not before 18mo, 5050 contact.

Please do not put him on the BC. If you do - you will be in for a lifetime of pain and irritation. Offer the fuckwit absolutely nothing. Stop contacting him. He is not a good person or father. Pull away from him. Think only of the baby and your mental health. Stop trying to be reasonable with him. He has no such respect for you. He only wants to control you and your life through your baby. If he truly cared - you wouldn't be in this position.

Tbh I wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate and I wouldn't be facilitating him AT ALL. I certainly wouldn't dream of having him in the delivery room .
He took away your BED!
He is not a good man, let him go to court to get his name on the birth certificate and you'll see how much he actually cares about the baby and how much of this 50-50 is about controlling you

You’re being far, far too nice to him. He’s a shit parent and a terrible partner. Who the fuck leaves a pregnant woman with no bed or sofa or fridge, purely because his shit parenting was called out? Absolute cunt. (Sorry, I’m cross).

I wouldn’t of offer him anything, I wouldn’t want the nasty, flaky bastard at the birth, ruining the atmosphere, and I wouldn’t particularly make it easy for him to be there afterwards by extending invitations to my house. If he wants to be there, he can fucking well prove his worth first.

Erroneous ‘of’ there.

Stop being so desperate to appear reasonable that you'd hand over your baby to a man who lets his 8yr old DD spit without saying anything and then tells his DD she is thick. A man who went fishing on his paternity leave because he thought he deserved it. If you want to protect your newborn and keep her safe and well, DO NOT put his name on the birth certificate.

@RobertsRadio

Stop being so desperate to appear reasonable that you'd hand over your baby to a man who lets his 8yr old DD spit without saying anything and then tells his DD she is thick. A man who went fishing on his paternity leave because he thought he deserved it. If you want to protect your newborn and keep her safe and well, DO NOT put his name on the birth certificate.

I agree about the kind of man he is. I would not want him to have my child for half the time.

I agree with all of those saying not to put him on the BC. His actions so far show he is the kind of jerk who will use the PR this gives him to mess you around.

He has shown he puts himself first. He won't change one bit after the birth. And from what you've posted, he won't waste money on applying to the court to be on the BC.

Stop putting his wants above your needs, and those of your baby. It's time for you to fight for what you need.. Get angry, put yourself and baby first.

Don''t have him at the birth if the idea makes at all uncomfortable. You are the patient, the focus, and what you want trumps whatever he might want.

I read that courts favour dads access over breastfeeding anyway

No, they don't, which ties in to the three solicitors telling you that baby's age is taken into consideration. He sees baby at your house, little and often.

I was also thinking that there is no way in hell I would have him at the birth. For the birth to go smoothly, you need to be calm and relaxed (if possible!!) and you won’t be if your ex is there.

Can you afford rent on your own? I would be noting down how much you’ve spent on cot, nursery items and sending him emails to give you half of that.

Agree that only offer him set days for short periods and at your house.

Re breastfeeding it’s so much easier with dc2 than 3, so hopefully that works out for you, but of course just do what’s best overall.

@Gizacluethen

He took your bed and fridge. You owe him sweet FA. That's a vile nasty man. Don't have him at the birth, you need someone who will support you, I csn just imagine with the vile things he's said to his child that he'll have no issues criticising the way you look and act during child birth, it's not exactly when we're at our best! And don't offer "whenever you want" contact. Because you've just told him that he can tell you when you can go out, when you can see family, when you can sleep. You've given him permission to show up unannounced, to say he's coming so you cancel plans then just not turn up. Every other day at a set time for a set duration that works around your own routine. He can show or not show but you'll be home and available. How well he bonds with her dictates how soon he can have unsupervised contact, overnights and, not before 18mo, 5050 contact.

This. Don’t put him on the BC.

He knew his ex partner was heavily pregnant and he left you without a bed and he left your son and you without a fridge etc

He earns his rights not demands them

Hmm I would agree with the 50 50 from about 12 to 18 months however dictating that he can only have contact up to then in your house only maybe his issue i would say once baby is minimum 3 months he can take them for a few hours at a time away from the house other then that I would still go to mediation

You are so calm, in a situation where I would be RAGING. On the birth, the only person’s needs that matter are yours. You don’t have to try to accommodate him in the slightest. He can jolly well show you he’s worth it, if he wants access to you at such a vulnerable time. It sounds like you are doing brilliantly on your own in the situation he’s left you in. Keep your precious, strong, calm brain space for better people. Sending you the very very best wishes for the rest of the pregnancy and the birth.

Sorry my point on breastfeeding makes no sense! I meant it’s easier with subsequent dc than dc1, or it is for many people anyway.

Hi I think you are doing a great job to be thinking as clearly as you are. My partner was not present for the birth of baby no2 and I don't think it is always as important as people make out! In a good way I mean! You and the midwives have a job to do so just get on with it. Good luck with everything and hope it all goes smoothly for you. x

@KissedintheDark

First of all don't put him on the birth certificate.

Exactly this.

If my partner left me without a bed to sleep when I was 30 weeks pregnant he would be fighting me for any contact. Are you sure you want 50:50 co-parenting with this selfish man?
Is that really the best thing for the baby?

And please please don't put him on the birth certificate.

OP he left you when you were 30 weeks pregnant and took your bed and your fridge! Of course that's enough reason to not put him on the birth certificate and give him parental responsibility.
And don't feel guilty about having him at the birth. The only reason for him to be there is if it helps YOU. You are not at all unreasonable putting the interests of yourself and your baby, and your other children first, and his needs and wants nowhere.

[quote Baby3at40]@ChiefWiggumsBoy yes he has her 5050 but the way he speaks to her is awful. I've already said I'd need reassurance he never speaks to my daughter like that.

Highlights:

"you're thick you don't know anything"
And
"your mother doesn't give a shit about you"

(these were to his 8 year old and about his ex and they both really worry me as I'm now going to be an ex and don't want to be spoken about like that or have the baby's confidence hammered with comments like that) [/quote]
Why on earth would you be considering 50/50 when he speaks to his daughter like that?
What kind of stuff does he say to her privately if he says that in front of you??

Maybe he's the reason his daughter is spitting on peoples faces and doesn't like the younger sibling getting attention if he is telling his daughter that her own mother doesn't give a shit about her. Poor child.

What kind of reassurance do you think you're going to get? and why do you think he will stick to it?

Addressing the fridge and bed and sofa. They were both bought by him before he moved in with me. When he moved in with me we got rid of my bed and fridge and sofa as they were older.

His argument is as he was moving out and had to provide for his children that he would need somewhere to put food in etc too and as he bought them.

Like I said I don't know what to think.

I think he could have said look I'm taking the bed or the sofa bed until you get one of those your own, just so you have a bed to sleep on 🤷‍♀️

@Ffsmakeitstop

Time to tell him to get to fuck. What s horrible man to leave you without a bed or fridge. Make him fight every step of the way.

This. His behaviour is unforgivable.

I’m so so sorry you’re going through this.

I would offer him 2 hours a day, every other day in your home. For the first two weeks so he can bond. I would arrange a set time based on babies sleeping pattern. I wouldn't let him come and go as he pleases. Of he wants 50/50 from birth tell him to take you to court. No judge would give him 50/50 of a newborn. Maybe at 2 but not a newborn.

Don't have him at the birth. Don't put him on the BC or give baby his surname. If needs be tell him baby has been born after you've registered the birth.

A good man doesn't walk out on his pregnant partner at 30 weeks. He doesn't take her bed. Or her fridge.

He doesn't abuse his existing children by calling them thick and bad mouthing their mother to them.

Noone needs to be at the birth or has a right to

you need to look after yourself and stop worrying what the right thing to do by him is all the time

You know he'll have to go with you to register the birth if you have his name on it