Disappointed with birthday weekend away - am i being ungrateful?

[Jackson21]

Hi all, my partner took me away for my birthday this weekend, all planned as a surprise, he arranged for my mum to have the kids and didn't tell me where we were going til halfway through the journey, and said it has been planned for weeks.

My daughter (15) packed my bag including swimming costume and my brand new birthday clothes for the day/evening.

We ended up at a hotel we've been to like loads before, does have a pool and indoor spa which we didnt use, its only an hour away from home. I had a banging headache the whole way there.

Partner went to the local shops and bought himself lots of new clothes, I couldnt spend anything as my rent is due next week and then have my girls birthdays in 2 weeks plus my mums. We did have a nice meal in the local pub but he sat there and watched the grand national which I absolutely hate.

We were in bed by 10pm then home next day by 2, kids back by 3 and all back to normal lol!

Should I be feeling ungrateful? I don't mean to be but just come home feeling a bit disappointed.

YANBU
It’s all in the build up I guess. I had a similar thing happen to me once when my partner started driving me to our holiday. He told me my friends would be there. All day he and my friends were sending me hints about the amazing places we might be going.
It turned out we were staying at my friend’s house half an hour away from ours for the evening, having a garden party, then going home the next day.

Don’t get me wrong it was a lovely surprise and we had fun.
But all that build up really ruined it. It turned what could have been a lovely weekend into a bit of a disappointment, then I spent weeks afterwards feeling guilty for being disappointed.

Don’t feel bad OP. Obviously everyone meant well here, but the build up ruined it. Your OH could have not watched the national as well, that seems a bit daft.

Try not to feel guilty though.

Also try not to tell anyone about your disappointment, it’s hard but it won’t help and they’ll likely feel you’re being ungrateful.

I get what you are saying.
It was a hotel not far away that you've been to loads, so somewhere new would've been nice. Unless it was a really special hotel, it does seem minimum effort on that front.

Him buying himself loads of clothes and watching the grand national over dinner is really shit though.
Surely he could've missed a bloody horse race to have dinner with you. Thats only ok if you both were keen to watch it.

Why didn't you use the spa or pool though? Did he not fancy it or were you too long in the shops shopping for his clothes?

It sounds like the thought was there, but then his effort ended. Like the booking the hotel was enough.

Why didn't you use the facilities or say you didn't want to watch the Grand National?! I'm a bit baffled at thinking a weekend at a hotel and spa is 'not good enough' without being 'made more special' tbh. Unless it's a really big birthday, surely a card, a present and cooking you a nice dinner or eating at a restaurant would be a pretty normal level of birthday effort?

Sounds quite well intentioned but not made the best of. Was the hotel chosen for its proximity in case you needed to get back for the kids? Headache wasn't anyone's fault. Did you want to use the spa and pool? If so, why didn't you? Possibly whilst he watched the grand national.

How long did he spend shopping for himself? If it was all day then the racing, that was quite selfish. If he picked up a couple of bits while you explored the area then fair enough. Sounds like you have separate finances and your rent isn't his responsibility. Bit off if he dragged you round the shops knowing you couldn't buy anything though.

I dunno tbh. Are there other things causing resentment? If not, I think you could've done more to enjoy this and he could have maybe made more of an effort.

Poor OP, you definitely don't sound happy about this relationship. Do you think that's largely down to your money worries? or does your partner have a history of being selfish and inconsiderate? Or are you feeling like you're maybe just not that compatible? It's hard to say from your post, but I hope you'll feel better soon.

Sounds like the weekend was for OP's partner, not for OP.

Someplace they've been loads, so no effort for OP there.
Someplace where he could do lots of shopping for himself, no effort for OP there.
Didn't spend the day doing things the OP might have enjoyed, but spent it doing things for himself, no effort for OP there.
Pub meal where he could watch a horse race he enjoys while he ate rather than engage in conversation with the OP, no effort for OP there.
Presumably they didn't go to the pool/spa because he was busy shopping and OP didn't want to go sit there by herself all day; hard to blame her, really.

Sounds like a rubbish night away, then a quick return in the morning with all his shopping bags. Woohoo.

Next time, don't let him plan things. People aren't mind-readers, and he probably you'd like the hotel, since you've been there with him before. It's safer than trying something new and unpredictable. In future, come up with your own plan, suggest something specific, etc.

The most annoying thing you mention, imo, is that he went clothes shopping for himself and didn't at least offer to buy you something as a gift (or a reward for keeping him company while he shopped). It's such a boring waste of time to shop when you can't buy anything! I can't imagine anyone would enjoy that when it was supposed to be 'your' weekend. I'd have suggested he go shopping on his own while I enjoyed the pool or spa.

It sound lovely to me. Why didn't you use the spa? Poor DP, sounds like he tried to do a safe something he knew you would like and I bet your DD was pleased and excited for you both too. Did you take painkillers? Suggest something other than shopping? Are you ok with each now other afterwards?

It's not what I would choose, but the only thing that he actually did wrong was spend the weekend buying new clothes. He should have spent proper time with you, not just gone shopping.

For the rest... if you chose not to use the pool/spa, that's not his fault.

It's all relative. Women whose partners throw some cash in a card and buy them chocolate will think OP is being very ungrateful.

Those women who get diamonds and whisked away to country hotels will think OP is not being unreasonable.

I'd look at the positives if I were you OP.

Can’t say.
The headache was bad luck. Did DP go shopping because you were too ill to go out. Were you too ill to use the spa? If not then going shopping does seem odd.

Grand national is about 20 minutes.
It sounds like either bad luck you were not well or you didn’t make the most of it. When you were there did you suggest something to do that you preferred?

What kind of thing did you want? Most important have you made that clear, not just expect mind reading?

What would you have preferred, OP and what did you expect?

I loathe surprises as people rarely know each other well enough to truly know what we'd like. That said, I'd have expected your partner to have anticipated that him watching the Grand National wouldn't be well received as the timing does cut into a day out.

My daughter (15) packed my bag including swimming costume and my brand new birthday clothes for the day/evening.
Partner went to the local shops and bought himself lots of new clothes, I couldnt spend anything as my rent is due next week and then have my girls birthdays in 2 weeks plus my mums
So you had new clothes for your birthday which were packed, but are upset you couldn't buy new clothes? Did he spend part of your day away buying clothes? Did he not pack anything? , I think it's odd to want to buy new whilst away

We ended up at a hotel we've been to like loads so you regularly have nights away together away from the kids?

does have a pool and indoor spa which we didnt use why?

I had a banging headache the whole way there not really his fault I assume...? .

We did have a nice meal in the local pub but he sat there and watched the grand national which I absolutely hate. why couldn't you suggest going somewhere different if you've stayed in this hotel a lot?

We were in bed by 10pm I'm assuming from your mood it wasn't for sex. Why couldn't you stop out later?

then home next day by 2 so checked out lunchtime, so had a lie in, breakfast etc?

kids back by 3 and all back to normal so you're unhappy it was only one night? Would your family have been happy having the kids for two nights?

I mean it's hard to know if he's controlling - local cheap hotel he always picks because he can walk to the local, watch sport and get an early night. Refuses to eat elsewhere or use the spa as he doesn't enjoy it.

Or if you are ungrateful - yet another night away whisky the kids are cared for, you didn't input actively into saying what you wanted even thought he'd have listened.

You don't need us to say if you BU or not. The point is your expectations are different for birthdays than what your DH is willing to deliver. You have to figure if that's okay for you. It's irrelevant what we think.
My expectations for birthdays are not high, I never want to celebrate birthdays and my DH always manages to exceed that expectation!

sounds to me like you are not happy in this relationship or had some over inflated expectations of what your birthday celebrations should be like.
Was this a milestone birthday? If so, I can't way I blame some disappointment.

If not and it was a regular one then I think you are being a bit precious to be blunt.

You were away, on your own, with your dc. No schedules to keep, no kids to look after.

You could have meandered along, stopped for lunch / coffee / glalls of wine en route. Get to the hotel, check in, have a swim / shower / bath / sex / lie-down / cuddle / cocktail with your dp before going out for the evening. Even if he'd booked the pub meal you could have gone to another bar for an after dinner cocktail or back to the hotel for one.

Breakfast in bed with leisurely morning sex before lunch and driving home.

These are all things me and my dh would build into an overnight away from dc. You had lots of time to do nice stuff but seems neither of you wanted to....

I'd be looking at the relationship overall if it were me

*without your dc

1. It's not his fault you had a headache.
2. It's not his fault you needed to get back to the kids the next day and travelling for more than an hour probably wouldn't have been the best use of your weekend given you could only have one night away.
3. Why didn't you use the spa or the pool? You had your swimming costume with you. Why didn't you say you'd rather do that than go shopping?
4. I don't like TVs in pubs myself, but the Grand National wasn't on all night. The race was at what, 5pm or so? It's not like it took up the entire evening.
5. Did he actually know that you didn't have any money when you went shopping? Although you mention you had brand new clothes packed for you anyway?

It wasn't the perfect weekend, clearly, but he still planned you a surprise, had your daughter pack your bag for you etc. Did you not actually suggest to him that you went to the spa or whatever?!

He has lots of money but you have to worry about the rent?
I'd like to know why that is.

Possibly for a similar reason to another thread, where an OP's partner was tearing himself apart worrying about the finances on his flat (that the OP lived in) while the prevailing opinion was that she could/should just walk away if it got her down.

That is--not everyone has the same idea as to how much "partner" necessarily means entwined lives.

Can you specify which bits you’re disappointed by?

Are you annoyed that he didn’t buy you clothes? Or do you think he should have contributed to your own rent and cost of your kids and relatives birthdays? Sounds a bit like that in your post.

Didn’t you take anything for your headache? Why not use the facilities unless due to headache?
I’d be well up for a night away from the kids, even thought about booking a premier inn down the road just to not be home.. but I’m not you and you’re not me

Why did you have a headache? Who not go to the spa? Do you like surprise trips or would you have preferred time to get ready? Why did your p have to buy so many new clothes for a weekend?!

You are being a bit hard work I think. I'm guessing you don't live together, so it isn't his fault that your rent is due, and he is entitled to buy clothes. If you wanted to use the pool / spa then you should have done. If you didn't want to watch the racing then you could have gone in the pool when it was on. His birthday gift to you was the hotel and meal, which I think was nice. It doesn't matter that it was only 1 hour away, he knew it was somewhere you liked.

He could have made more of an effort to focus on you, and to make you feel special. That was the whole point of the trip - it was your birthday.

For one day, he could have focused on you, rather that watching the Grand National and shopping for himself. That’s just hurtful and rude.

You are not being ungrateful.

@MadAntonia he maybe went out shopping because OP had a headache and asked for some peace.

Let's hope he isn't aware of your disappointment or next year he may not bother to do anything at all for your birthday, then you'll really have something to cry about.