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Original poster

Disappointed with birthday weekend away - am i being ungrateful?

117 replies

Jackson21 · 11/04/2022 12:11

Hi all, my partner took me away for my birthday this weekend, all planned as a surprise, he arranged for my mum to have the kids and didn't tell me where we were going til halfway through the journey, and said it has been planned for weeks.

My daughter (15) packed my bag including swimming costume and my brand new birthday clothes for the day/evening.

We ended up at a hotel we've been to like loads before, does have a pool and indoor spa which we didnt use, its only an hour away from home. I had a banging headache the whole way there.

Partner went to the local shops and bought himself lots of new clothes, I couldnt spend anything as my rent is due next week and then have my girls birthdays in 2 weeks plus my mums. We did have a nice meal in the local pub but he sat there and watched the grand national which I absolutely hate.

We were in bed by 10pm then home next day by 2, kids back by 3 and all back to normal lol!

Should I be feeling ungrateful? I don't mean to be but just come home feeling a bit disappointed.

OP posts:

Wheresthebeach · 11/04/2022 14:39

Was this just a standard birthday? We just go for a meal!

Sounds like he planned a nice night away, and you were unhappy with the going to a hotel you knew. You mention the headache, were you 'down the whole time?. Maybe he went shopping as you were being miserable and he couldn't figure out why.

Seems a shame all round. If you're expecting more of a fuss each birthday then you need to have a chat as your expectations are out of line. I suspect he's feeling that he did something nice and you were 'off' all weekend for no reason that he can think of.

As for the dinner, and watching the Grand National - it's odd to eat so early but I wouldn't object to my DH watching a bit of sport he liked as long as it wasn't hours. I'd have gone to the Spa, or curled up and read in a corner drinking a pint...or some such and then headed out hunting for a nice restaurant.

LetHimHaveIt · 11/04/2022 14:44

No, not everyone does love a spa - but as it's a hotel they've been to 'like, loads before' you'd've thought OP would have said something before now if she didn't much care for hotels with pools and spas.

Seems OP thought he was playing it too safe, but he probably thought it was a good idea not to go too far, as she has kids. And if they've been 'loads' before, nights away don't exactly sound thin in the ground.

KILM · 11/04/2022 14:44

I actually cant believe the responses you are getting here!
Is the bar really this low for partners? Lots of projecting going on here like 'you should be grateful you did anything' er OP clearly wanted something a bit more keyed to her as its her birthday, nothing wrong with that!
If it was planned for weeks, that means he's had plenty of time to decide on/arrange an activity you like as its YOUR birthday, rather than shop for him then watch the grand national.
Would have taken him what, half an hour longer to research and book a hotel that you hadnt been to before rather than the 5 minutes he spent going 'whats that one we always go to... yeah, that'll do' and booking it.
It would take another half an hour max to figure out an activity etc if you werent travelling far, you're in a relationship so he presumably knows what you enjoy doing and can plan accordingly. These things dont take long, but even if they do, its your partner, dont people want to spend a bit of time on something to make sure a gift is enjoyed by the recipient?

Blimey actually cant believe the responses. If you think celebrating birthdays is silly, thats totally fine, and you are completely entitled to have those expectations recognised in your relationship, and i hope you do. But the OP clearly does think it matters, so what is the actual point in coming on her thread and telling her she's ungrateful? Her partner should know that it matters to her, so they should be putting in the effort, thats part of her expectations and she is entirely entitled to them as they arent unreasonable, doesnt matter whats normal in YOUR relationship in this situation does it?

I would expect him not to be watch the Grand National if you hate it. However, im a bit confused as to why you didnt say something? Why didnt you ask him to turn it off or ask to go to another pub so you didnt have to watch?

yellowsuninthesky · 11/04/2022 14:44

@knittingaddict

The headache is not his fault though. Take paracetamol next time op.

if only that were a universal panacea for headaches!

yellowsuninthesky · 11/04/2022 14:44

Anyway OP if you want something better next time, arrange and book it yourself, but get him to pay for it!

1forAll74 · 11/04/2022 14:46

Well you did have a bit of a get away, and a different bed to sleep in, and some food and drink. You could have sampled the swimming pool, whilst your partner watched all the horses jumping over fences, and then gone for a walk or something, What did you wan't to happen on this short birthday get away.?

diddl · 11/04/2022 14:49

What does an indoor spa consist of?

Unless you really love the place & he knows this, then it's not really special is it?

Clothes shopping is my idea of hell-let alone trailing after someone else doing it!

If the pool was decent to swim in I could happily have spent my time there!

LetHimHaveIt · 11/04/2022 14:52

'Is the bar really this low for partners?'

I don't think a night away in a hotel nice enough to have a pool and spa, with a pleasant pub meal is an especially low bar, no.

Without wanting to hear the usual tedious bollocks about 'a race to the bottom', it's worth remembering the terrifying CoL increase mean that these sort of weekends away will be vanishingly rare for an awful lot of people. I mean, not the MN high earners who are able to squirrel away thousands per month for retirement, obviously, but for other people . . .

youlightupmyday · 11/04/2022 14:54

You didn't have any fun together. That is your real gripe. How is your relationship normally?

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 14:54

In the nicest way, it sounds a bit like you had your arse in your hands about the whole thing and so wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway.

Not his fault you had a headache. You could have used the spa while he was watching the Grand National...

Might not have been what you'd have planned but presumably he thought he was doing a nice thing?

TigerLilyTail · 11/04/2022 14:55

I think when you are a bit short on money then gifts like this just feel wasteful and annoying.

I also don't like surprises.

GreyCarpet · 11/04/2022 14:55

Maybe he was playing it safe by booking somewhere they've stayed at before (and liked) rather than taking a gamble in somewhere different that he didn't know.

Blossomtoes · 11/04/2022 15:01

Why didn’t you use the spa? You chose not to.

KILM · 11/04/2022 15:06

@LetHimHaveIt

'Is the bar really this low for partners?'

I don't think a night away in a hotel nice enough to have a pool and spa, with a pleasant pub meal is an especially low bar, no.

Ahh apologies, not explained myself well! I didnt mean that a night in a hotel was a low bar, i meant that the responses OP is getting are 'you should be grateful for anything at all' when 'getting anything, anything at all' is a low bar. If my partner spent £40 on wrestling tickets for my birthday when i hate wrestling, that would be upsetting because he should know me better. If he had made me a cake from scratch for a surprise because he knew i loved surprises (and cake

) then thats a better option because it shows he thought about what id want, even if we already had the ingredients in the cupboard. Wanting your partner to put the effort in and think about what you like is reasonable bar for birthdays, no matter how much money is or isnt involved. Its not about the perceived value to other people, if wrestling tickets are worthless to you. Hopefully that makes more sense

knittingaddict · 11/04/2022 15:10

if only that were a universal panacea for headaches!

Well it mostly is for a standard headache. I was a migraine sufferer for years, so I know how bad head pain can be, but the op didn't call it anything other than a headache. I'm assuming op didn't mean cluster headache or migraine.

It any case op hasn't been back, so no idea why I bothered to post at all.

knittingaddict · 11/04/2022 15:13

@LetHimHaveIt

'Is the bar really this low for partners?'

I don't think a night away in a hotel nice enough to have a pool and spa, with a pleasant pub meal is an especially low bar, no.

It's not really about the expense of going away for your birthday. It's about the thought that goes into it. I would be happy with much less, say lunch in my favourite tea room as long as it was a treat for me and not so much for the giver.

Honeyroar · 11/04/2022 15:24

I think he did a nice thing. But he could’ve made it a bit more special if he’s planned something to do the next day, or not have watched the National if he knew you didn’t like it. You should’ve gone to the spa while the GN was on and left him on his own! Perhaps googled something else nearby to do on the way home?

Ninjaexpress · 11/04/2022 15:25

Sounds as if it was planned more with him in mind than you. Watching the Grand National - I seriously would have walked out and gone to the hotel to enjoy a swim at least.

GreenFingeredNell15 · 11/04/2022 15:26

Sounds dull. Not because it was the wrong gift, but because you're with the wrong man

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2022 15:28

He has lots of money but you have to worry about the rent?

I'd like to know why that is.

dottydodah · 11/04/2022 15:35

I honestly would not be happy with this at all! He watched the GN which you hate(Dont blame you me too)! Bought a load of clothes for himself and didnt bother to go swimming? WTF is he like! Sorry , yes he arranged a "treat" but chose a familiar hotel close to home.put zero effort in and why couldnt he have popped a top or two in the bag for you whilst hes there? I would be a bit"meh" too!

Sunnytwobridges · 11/04/2022 15:37

@Catrice

Going off shopping for new clothes for him is a bit off (instead of spending the time doing something nice with you) and I'd be pissed off by him watching the grand national during the meal instead of chatting to me but at least he tried to do something special for your birthday. And as others have said, it's not his fault that you had a headache!

I agree. Also why didn't he buy you something as well? I would feel weird shopping for myself on someone else's birthday and not offering to buy them at least a shirt or something. Actually I probably wouldn't have bought a "lot" of clothes, Its so weird.

Watching the Grand Nationals is fine as long as he was still chatting with you throughout the meal.

Honestly I would be a little disappointed, I think at least he should've picked a place that you haven't been to, or at least not that often. Just to change it up. Especially if nothing else big was planned.

userxx · 11/04/2022 15:40

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy

So you're allowed brand new clothes but your partner isn't; despite him paying for a night away in a spa which you didn't use?

I hope you said thank you at least. You sound very ungrateful.

Got to agree. You should have made the most of it OP, you can have fun anywhere with the right mindset.

Cakesnbiscuit · 11/04/2022 15:41

Can I swop birthday presents with you? I would honestly have been ecstatic if that was my birthday present.

Not sure I would want someone to pack my bag but it’s a lovely gesture to have some child free time in a nice hotel. Grand National isn’t great imo but I would have said we should go swimming / go for a walk and make the most of it.

AryaStarkWolf · 11/04/2022 15:41

@TheWernethWife

Why didn't you use the pool and spa?

Believe it or not Mumsnetters, not everyone loves a spa, me included

Yes but the OP said they've gone to this hotel many times before, if they don't like or use the Spa/pool why pay the extra it costs to stay at one? That doesn't make much sense

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