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Original poster

Family not including ex

82 replies

FamilyVsExDP · 10/04/2022 17:58

Namechanged.

DP and I officially split up before Christmas. He's still living with me and the DC. It's not ideal, but he has nowhere to go and not much money and while I really wish he wasn't here, I know how terrified he is to be alone without me and the DC. He had a very difficult childhood and has a lot of abandonment issues.

The problem is that my family don't really like him. When we were together they were welcoming and inclusive and he was always part of any events etc but now that we're broken up, they don't see why they should make an effort. Their view is that he was at best, lazy and manipulative , at worst, abusive. I understand their view and a main reason for breaking up me being tired of being 100% responsible for finances, planning, household tasks, childcare etc AND still having to deal with his emotional needs and his moods.

And it was all made worse by his terrible behaviour as we were splitting. For dBrother in particular, the fact that exDP threatened me physically a few times when lashing out (he never touched me) is something he's not willing to forgive.

We did all spend Christmas together which was fine. But they haven't seen exDP since then. We've had a couple of family birthdays (not me or my DC) since then and exDP has not been invited. He's been very very upset by that.

Now it's easter. Brother and SIL have invited me and the DC to theirs over the Easter weekend (not on Easter itself) and he is v clearly NOT included in the invite. I don't know what to do. I want to see them but I don't understand why they can't just suck it up and let him come? He's still part of the DC's family. And being abandoned by them too when he's already losing (in his eyes) me and the DC, is making his MH even worse.

AIBU? Or are they? And how do I address this?

OP posts:
KylieKoKo · 10/04/2022 18:01

I think you are being unreasonable here to be honest. His mental health isn't your families responsibility. It would be healthier for him to create a support network that doesn't rely on his ex.

MimiSunshine · 10/04/2022 18:03

If you still live together and you expect him to be invited to your family events! In what way you are split up?

They’re not wrong to not invite him if they don’t like him or his behaviour.

GreyCarpet · 10/04/2022 18:04

You're being very unreasonable!

He's your ex.

You don't need to address it. You go to see your family over Easter and he can make his own plans

Or not.

He's not your responsibility.

Vsirbdo · 10/04/2022 18:05

I can see why they don’t want him there and if he wasn’t living with you still then I definitely don’t see why he’d be invited. It strikes me that you might be officially split up but you’re still taking responsibility for his emotional needs and mental health with this as a prime example.
He needs to get used to the fact that he’s no longer a part of your wider family and I think you need to see that too. I’m not sure you’re doing him any favours if you ask them to let him come.

Holly60 · 10/04/2022 18:06

I think your DBro and SIL are probably looking out for you by inviting you for a day when you can get away from the drama of this relationship. Perhaps they are also very keen that you do actually follow through with the split and that it happens as cleanly as possible. This wouldn’t be helped by continuing to invite him to your family get togethers- that would muddy the waters considerably. I think they are right to be honest.

AgentJohnson · 10/04/2022 18:06

He threatened you physically! Don’t expect your family to collaborate in your misguided guilt. They have been ‘sucking it up’ for far too long. Him not being included is 100% his fault, no body else’s.

Doyouknowtheway · 10/04/2022 18:06

In a similar family situation and I think nobody is BU. I'd ask if the invite could be extented to included him also as you'd really like to attend but want the kids to enjoy Easter with both parents.

autumnboys · 10/04/2022 18:07

I’m afraid I think YABU, but it does sound as if your ex is emotionally manipulating you into remaining responsible for his happiness.

HirplesWithHaggis · 10/04/2022 18:08

There's no way in hell I'd invite my son's ex anywhere. Like your ex, she was abusive and like your dbrother, I'm not forgiving that.

Jalepenojello · 10/04/2022 18:09

YABU. Stop viewing him as your partner. He’s not anymore. You are doing your break up no favours by excusing his behaviour and continuing to facilitate his needs. If you want a family Easter then stay home and do something together, fine. But don’t expect your family to extend the invitation to an ex who has been abusive, it will also give your ex incorrect expectations going forward.

BlueOverYellow · 10/04/2022 18:10

YABVVVU

He is abusive. He threatened you physically. He made you do everything. Still does most likely.

I wouldn't have him round either.

Tell him to move the hell out!

GreyCarpet · 10/04/2022 18:11

How long are you planning to keep this up, OP?

For how long do you expect him to be treated as part of the family when he is no longer part of the family?

Yes, he's your children's dad but neither exh or I were included in family events held by the other's family from the day we split.

His mum used to come over for dinner once a week for around 3 years so that we could maintain relationships and the children had contact with him but we did not socialise together after separating...

KhansMambo · 10/04/2022 18:13

In what way have you split up with this person?

Original poster
FamilyVsExDP · 10/04/2022 18:16

Yes, he's your children's dad but neither exh or I were included in family events held by the other's family from the day we split.

ExDP feels that because he's never really had a family that my family are the closest he has to family (he has siblings, but they're not close physically or emotionally due to a difficult childhood).

I understand the comments that I'm still feeling responsible for him. But of course I am - he's my DCs' dad, he's always going to be in my life and he's not a bad person.

I do understand brother and SIL's opinion. But I can't help feeling that if they included him it would not only be nice for him, but would make things easier for me too because it's a very difficult situation.

OP posts:
ReacherMargrave · 10/04/2022 18:19

It's time to pull your hand out of the sand OP. You aren't together no more. You may live together but you need to start acting like you are separated and that means doing things separately.

Threetulips · 10/04/2022 18:21

AND still having to deal with his emotional needs and his moods

Yet you are still doing this.

but would make things easier for me too because it's a very difficult situation

People who’ve been abused always want others to help them make their lives easier - they don’t have too, nor should they.

Fireflygal · 10/04/2022 18:21

Your family are trying to establish boundaries and you seem to want to erode them.

Your approach seems fairly co-dependant so perhaps you need to consider your own boundaries. Being around someone who physically threatened you isn't sensible and you should be jumping at the chance to have periods away from him.

The first step to a healthier emotional life is to recognise that your relationship was dysfunctional. Each adult, including your Ex is responsible for their choices. Choose healthy boundaries and model these to your children.

KhansMambo · 10/04/2022 18:21

@FamilyVsExDP

Yes, he's your children's dad but neither exh or I were included in family events held by the other's family from the day we split.

ExDP feels that because he's never really had a family that my family are the closest he has to family (he has siblings, but they're not close physically or emotionally due to a difficult childhood).

I understand the comments that I'm still feeling responsible for him. But of course I am - he's my DCs' dad, he's always going to be in my life and he's not a bad person.

I do understand brother and SIL's opinion. But I can't help feeling that if they included him it would not only be nice for him, but would make things easier for me too because it's a very difficult situation.

None of this is your family’s problem. You have split up - they never have to see him again.

You now need to begin disengaging from what sounds like a really unpleasant man. This jumped out at me I understand the comments that I'm still feeling responsible for him. But of course I am - he's my DCs' dad, he's always going to be in my life and he's not a bad person

No, that’s not how breakups work for most of us. He’s an adult and needs to start taking care of himself. Stop managing his feelings and stop expecting everyone else to. Things will be easier for you as and when you actually end your relationship, as it really doesn’t sound like you have.

NeverChange · 10/04/2022 18:24

Sorry but in what way have your seperated?

You are still living together and want him to be treated that same as a partner would be?

MissMaple82 · 10/04/2022 18:25

What the heck! You do nothing, you're NOT in a relationship with him, or are you??? What a totally weird thing to want him to be included!

MissMaple82 · 10/04/2022 18:27

Quote honestly the whole situation is F###ed up! And if you really want to help his MH you need to stop stringing him along and cut all toes and go your separate ways, and that means living separately!!!!

TheMarvelousMrsMaisel · 10/04/2022 18:30

You've spilt up.. of course they aren't going to invite him to family things. If you want him included then you shouldn't of broken up.

No wonder his mental health is so bad you're sending him mixed signals keeping him around and trying to get him invited to family dos.

WonderfulYou · 10/04/2022 18:31

I know how terrified he is to be alone without me and the DC. He had a very difficult childhood and has a lot of abandonment issues.

It sounds like he’s still manipulating you!

He threatened you - kick him out of your house!

I can absolutely see why he’s not invited.
Not only is he a nasty person but you’ve split up so why would they invite him as that would be very confusing for your kids.

Spidey66 · 10/04/2022 18:31

I can understand why your family are behaving like this tbh. Your family sound like they were tolerating him while you were a couple now you've split up, they don't need to, especially as it seems like they have good reason not to.

My brother split with his wife about 20 years ago. They had 2 kids together. None of us liked her, so while we weren't celebrating in the streets, she was no longer invited to family events. She wasn't invited to his wedding to his second wife or to my mum's funeral, for instance. We all kept in touch with the kids who of course were at family events.

One of my aunts bumped into her at Baker Street tube once and she said she was passed off why no-one from the family kept in contact. Maybe it was because none of us liked her!

When I see the kids (well adults now!) I'll ask after their mum but tbh it's only me being polite. I'm not actually interested.Wink

GreyCarpet · 10/04/2022 18:31

@FamilyVsExDP

Yes, he's your children's dad but neither exh or I were included in family events held by the other's family from the day we split.

ExDP feels that because he's never really had a family that my family are the closest he has to family (he has siblings, but they're not close physically or emotionally due to a difficult childhood).

I understand the comments that I'm still feeling responsible for him. But of course I am - he's my DCs' dad, he's always going to be in my life and he's not a bad person.

I do understand brother and SIL's opinion. But I can't help feeling that if they included him it would not only be nice for him, but would make things easier for me too because it's a very difficult situation.

He should have thought about that then before he behaved like a dick...

And he's not a bad person? Why is it your family don't like him again.

Sorry, OP, but you are yet another woman who is her own worst enemy.

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