Family not including ex

[FamilyVsExDP]

Namechanged.

DP and I officially split up before Christmas. He's still living with me and the DC. It's not ideal, but he has nowhere to go and not much money and while I really wish he wasn't here, I know how terrified he is to be alone without me and the DC. He had a very difficult childhood and has a lot of abandonment issues.

The problem is that my family don't really like him. When we were together they were welcoming and inclusive and he was always part of any events etc but now that we're broken up, they don't see why they should make an effort. Their view is that he was at best, lazy and manipulative , at worst, abusive. I understand their view and a main reason for breaking up me being tired of being 100% responsible for finances, planning, household tasks, childcare etc AND still having to deal with his emotional needs and his moods.

And it was all made worse by his terrible behaviour as we were splitting. For dBrother in particular, the fact that exDP threatened me physically a few times when lashing out (he never touched me) is something he's not willing to forgive.

We did all spend Christmas together which was fine. But they haven't seen exDP since then. We've had a couple of family birthdays (not me or my DC) since then and exDP has not been invited. He's been very very upset by that.

Now it's easter. Brother and SIL have invited me and the DC to theirs over the Easter weekend (not on Easter itself) and he is v clearly NOT included in the invite. I don't know what to do. I want to see them but I don't understand why they can't just suck it up and let him come? He's still part of the DC's family. And being abandoned by them too when he's already losing (in his eyes) me and the DC, is making his MH even worse.

AIBU? Or are they? And how do I address this?

I think it’s good that you and dh have continually supported her. She sounds stuck and doesn’t know how to move on and in fact too scared to move on.
He won’t leave the house because he knows it’s his way of controlling her. My worry is they get back together so she can have him attend family events again.
Might be weird but are you in a position to go and pick her and her children up at Easter weekend? Just tell her a time you’re going to get her and just keep being really positive about it. I feel like she just needs a clean break awah from this man and to have support from her family to finally leave him.
Is there anywhere you else she could live since she’s making excuses on his part?

I have no idea why people feel the need to do reverses. It’s bloody tedious.

That being said, I don’t think whether you invite him or not is necessarily that black and white. E.g. do the kids know that they’ve split up? Because if not then yes, you’re being unreasonable because as far as they’re aware their daddy is no longer being invited to events and they will have no idea why. And that’s not fair on the DC, however messed up the relationship is.

When me and my ex split we lived in the same house for 9 months, but DS was aware we were no longer together and I was in the spare room. And as such we attended family events in our own right, and the other partner didn’t even expect an invite.

But a lot of couples wait until one or other partner is moving out until they tell the kids, in which case to all intents and purposes they should still be treated like a family by those who would also have the kids’ best interests at heart.

I think you just need to Chuck him out and move on with your life basically

Not your monkeys not your circus now he isn't your problem

ExDP feels that because he's never really had a family that my family are the closest he has to family (he has siblings, but they're not close physically or emotionally due to a difficult childhood).

Well he does have family doesn't he, he just chooses not to see them, whatever the reason it's not your concern. HE may see your family as his family but THEY obviously don't and who can blame them. He's an emotional leach and actually does sound like a bad person. He sounds very manipulative and controlling, have you tried the freedom programme, look it up, I think it might help you through this xx

I had a shitty childhood. There was abuse in my family. I don’t speak to a single family member.

I don’t abuse people, I don’t manipulate people, my husband, children and friends are my family although I do have a fantastic relationship in particular with one of DH’s sister (DHs parents are also in a shitty abusive relationship so they aren’t great either) my SIL and I are exceptionally close and I have a good relationship with the other SIL too, those relationships are earned not expected by me.

Your ex needs to recover from his childhood not traumatise you and other people to continue the cycle of abuse. I totally agree with your family excluding your ex and you probably need some therapy yourself to unpick why you feel so responsible for your abusive ex.

Surely this is a completely unhealthy and damaging situation for the DC? Does that angle not work on her at all? She isn't doing them any favours keeping them in this confusing limbo and teaching them his behavior is normal and acceptable.

why are you being such a doormat, hes not a child, his mental health is his problem not yours, they are your family not his.

he sounds like a guilt tripping emotional vampire, get rid of him and you might start being able to see the wood for the trees and start putting yourself first.