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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Family not including ex

82 replies

FamilyVsExDP · 10/04/2022 17:58

Namechanged.

DP and I officially split up before Christmas. He's still living with me and the DC. It's not ideal, but he has nowhere to go and not much money and while I really wish he wasn't here, I know how terrified he is to be alone without me and the DC. He had a very difficult childhood and has a lot of abandonment issues.

The problem is that my family don't really like him. When we were together they were welcoming and inclusive and he was always part of any events etc but now that we're broken up, they don't see why they should make an effort. Their view is that he was at best, lazy and manipulative , at worst, abusive. I understand their view and a main reason for breaking up me being tired of being 100% responsible for finances, planning, household tasks, childcare etc AND still having to deal with his emotional needs and his moods.

And it was all made worse by his terrible behaviour as we were splitting. For dBrother in particular, the fact that exDP threatened me physically a few times when lashing out (he never touched me) is something he's not willing to forgive.

We did all spend Christmas together which was fine. But they haven't seen exDP since then. We've had a couple of family birthdays (not me or my DC) since then and exDP has not been invited. He's been very very upset by that.

Now it's easter. Brother and SIL have invited me and the DC to theirs over the Easter weekend (not on Easter itself) and he is v clearly NOT included in the invite. I don't know what to do. I want to see them but I don't understand why they can't just suck it up and let him come? He's still part of the DC's family. And being abandoned by them too when he's already losing (in his eyes) me and the DC, is making his MH even worse.

AIBU? Or are they? And how do I address this?

OP posts:

cigarettesNalcohol · 10/04/2022 18:32

Sorry but he can't have his cake and eat it. YABU. So he didn't help at home with childcare, household contributions, finances etc AND he was a moody fucker towards you, yet you still think he deserves to be in your life/extended family ? He has disrespected you and by the sounds of it, he has been verbally and emotionally abusive towards you - too right your family don't want him around. Why are you taking pity on him ? I'm guessing he's had multiples chances to 'change' over the course of your relationship yet he's decided he won't bother; you yourself are even split from him so you know he's no good - he should be out of the house. You need to get tough with him. These are the consequences for his shitty behaviour, he's an adult and needs to face the music and accept that treating people like shit is not going to get him what he wants. He sounds awful, entitled and is using his past to get away with his manipulative behaviour

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 10/04/2022 18:33

But it wont make things easier for you in the long term. It will make it harder, harder for him to move on, harder for you to move on.

Your reaction is typical of a co-dependent person who is/has been in an abusive relationship. Of all the people in the world, all 7 billion of them, you are the one person who cannot and should not help him. The sooner he realises that the better. Your family know this, they have suffered him and his terrible treatment of you and finally they dont have to. So give them a break as well as yourself, and let him sort his own self out for once. You are not responsible for this grown adult, he is not your child. Stop letting him treat you like you are his mother. And well done for getting this far, keep going!

GreyCarpet · 10/04/2022 18:33

Amd, tbh, this is a terrible situation for your children to be in.

So many mixed messages. You're not doing them, him or you any favours.

Your family must be so frustrated with you.

Soozikinzii · 10/04/2022 18:33

I also think you're unreasonable. Your family are supporting you . You and your DC . He isn't their concern.

maddy68 · 10/04/2022 18:33

Yabu
You have split up and now you expect them to put on an act when they have witnessed him being unkind to you.

His mental health is not your concern now and not theirs either

SunflowerTed · 10/04/2022 18:34

Why don’t you just get back together?!!! Your family are just setting boundaries. Respect them and be reasonable

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 10/04/2022 18:34

This all sounds as if you're not actually separated. Do you want to end this relationship or not?! If you actually want to end the relationship, develop some boundaries. Look at the Freedom Programme if you're struggling due to past abuse.

Original poster

FamilyVsExDP · 10/04/2022 18:34

What am I supposed to do? He'd be living in his car if I just tossed him out and who knows what would happen to his mental health? How is that helpful for the DC to have a dad who has literally NOTHING and who is in such a terrible place mentally?

I do hear what you're all saying but I think it's not so black and white.

OP posts:

picklemewalnuts · 10/04/2022 18:37

So if there are some areas you feel you can't separate currently- like him still living with you, for example, the areas you can separate are even more important. It's even more important that your extended family events don't include him.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 10/04/2022 18:38

Not a bad person? He threatened you and has been manipulative and abusive.

He is no longer part of your family. Youre doing him and your dc no favours by nursing him as a pp put it.

Fraaahnces · 10/04/2022 18:41

You need to accep that you have broken up and let him mine on and make his own mistakes.

Fraaahnces · 10/04/2022 18:42

*move on

HirplesWithHaggis · 10/04/2022 18:42

@FamilyVsExDP

I do hear what you're all saying but I think it's not so black and white.

And what is he doing to find a new place? What is he doing to address his poor mental health, and abusive behaviour? How long will you put up with this?

Attictroll · 10/04/2022 18:42

What is he doing to sort himself and start his new life? He needs to understand things have changed. Whether he is nice or not it is over and you both need to move on...unless it's not over

GreyCarpet · 10/04/2022 18:43

It's not balck and white because you're muddying the waters, have zero boundaries and are expecting others to do the same.

I drove past some shared houses the other day whee they are advertising rooms for £65 a week. I'm sure they're not the only ones.

He can do what anyone else in this situation does - go to the council, be housed in a b&b, claim benefits...

And let's just say that the best option for everyone is for him to continue living in your house, we'll then let him but put some boundaries in place.

I'm assuming from all of this that you still do his cooking, cleaning, washing for him? I'm saying 'still' because I can't imagine you're going to describe an equal share of household labour prior to the split. Men like him won't and women like you want to 'mother' their man.

So establish some house rules. He is now a lodger in your house. He does his own laundry, his own cooking, runs his own errands...

And before you say it's impossible, my son lived at home through university and that's how he lived. It was a financial decision to have him live there but he was completely independent. Which has served him well because he now lives in a flat on his own and asks me for nothing.

You are further disabling this man and you will never be shot of him, never be able to have a full life, never be able to have another relationship if this continues.

He should be taking responsibility for the children on a 50/50 basis in exchange for you generously allowing him to live there. You should be seeing friends and establishing a life separate from him. Not fussing and clucking around him like a mother hen.

cigarettesNalcohol · 10/04/2022 18:44

@FamilyVsExDP

I do understand brother and SIL's opinion. But I can't help feeling that if they included him it would not only be nice for him, but would make things easier for me too because it's a very difficult situation.

Then nothing will change op. Why do you care what would be nice for him ? He doesn't deserve it. It's not your job to fix him! A break up is always going to be hard, it's never going to be easy. It's not fair to force your relatives to invite him when they don't like him and want him out of your life - because they love you and want what's best for you. That's a good thing! Your ex has carefully ensured you feel responsible for his well-being, happiness and state of his MH. This isn't right but you don't seem to see this right now. If you continue to have him round and want him with you at family events then nothing will change. You will continue to be responsible for EVERYTHING. How much longer are you going to accept this ? You can arrange set times for the children to see their father. They will be ok. But what about you ? This is about saving yourself. Putting yourself first for the sake of yourself and your kids and your own MH/happiness. It sounds like you are not ready to let him go yet tbh.

ImBurtMacklin · 10/04/2022 18:44

What other ‘wife work’ are you still doing for him? Cooking? His laundry?

Redglitter · 10/04/2022 18:46

OK, so you can't throw him out but you can and must separate other aspects of your life. You're separated. If he lived elsewhere you wouldn't expect him to be invited. Your family are quite right not to invite him.

Steelesauce · 10/04/2022 18:47

It's not your problem or your families problem. If social get wind you're keeping someone who has been abusive to you in your house, they'll be on you like a ton of bricks. Kick the cock lodger out.

PriestessofPing · 10/04/2022 18:48

So what are you wanting? For him to live with you indefinitely and your family to pretend to like a man who has been abusive and who you seem to be co-dependant with? How is any of this an actual split?

You apparently split up around five months ago but it sounds like nothing has really changed, and by asking your family to include him you are reinforcing that this isn’t a real split with him and with your kids. At some point you are going to have to decide to actually split up or not, right now you are basically still together. You are not responsible for him unless you make yourself so.

Doyouknowtheway · 10/04/2022 18:48

All posters saying her family don't have to tollerate him now your relationship has ended, did they have to to tollerate him before?
No they didn't have too but they did Christmas with him OP has said.
Yes they may be helping her enforce boundaries, but why if she isn't ready to impose them herself yet. If they don't want him there thats fine too.
Previously I've wrote nobody is BU and to ask if possible for invite to be extended. Second thoughts, if this was sent to me I'd take it from it that they'd know I may possibly not attend due to him being not included. If you want to go OP then go if you and the children would prefer an egg hunt at home with Dad then do that. You could even do both if you feel for some reason you want to include him in Easter.

AuntieMarys · 10/04/2022 18:48

Fuck his mental health. Concentrate on yourself and your dcs.

cigarettesNalcohol · 10/04/2022 18:49

So even if you feel you can't throw him out, the whole situation is still unfair on everyone involved.

Extended family - they don't want to have to deal with him anymore and shouldn't be forced to have him round their house

Kids - very confusing for them. Parents split but still together? But not together? But living together? Very confusing...

You - because you're still in the same situation.

Him - no incentive to leave, repair his errors, find some income and better himself.

DarkCorner · 10/04/2022 18:51

You’re still understandably very enmeshed with him and don’t currently have the boundaries in place that will be needed to progress the split. I get it, I’ve been there and it does take a while. But you can’t expect your family to collude in it I’m afraid. And you need to move forwards with a separation which does mean doing things separately even if it takes a while to mentally get there with it all.

Regularsizedrudy · 10/04/2022 18:52

@FamilyVsExDP

I do hear what you're all saying but I think it's not so black and white.

Does he not have a job? You need to open your eyes. He’s not a little lost puppy. He’s a grown man and he can sort his own shit out. Plenty of people have no family and bad childhoods etc that don’t threaten the mother of their children and bleed them dry

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