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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Family not including ex

82 replies

FamilyVsExDP · 10/04/2022 17:58

Namechanged.

DP and I officially split up before Christmas. He's still living with me and the DC. It's not ideal, but he has nowhere to go and not much money and while I really wish he wasn't here, I know how terrified he is to be alone without me and the DC. He had a very difficult childhood and has a lot of abandonment issues.

The problem is that my family don't really like him. When we were together they were welcoming and inclusive and he was always part of any events etc but now that we're broken up, they don't see why they should make an effort. Their view is that he was at best, lazy and manipulative , at worst, abusive. I understand their view and a main reason for breaking up me being tired of being 100% responsible for finances, planning, household tasks, childcare etc AND still having to deal with his emotional needs and his moods.

And it was all made worse by his terrible behaviour as we were splitting. For dBrother in particular, the fact that exDP threatened me physically a few times when lashing out (he never touched me) is something he's not willing to forgive.

We did all spend Christmas together which was fine. But they haven't seen exDP since then. We've had a couple of family birthdays (not me or my DC) since then and exDP has not been invited. He's been very very upset by that.

Now it's easter. Brother and SIL have invited me and the DC to theirs over the Easter weekend (not on Easter itself) and he is v clearly NOT included in the invite. I don't know what to do. I want to see them but I don't understand why they can't just suck it up and let him come? He's still part of the DC's family. And being abandoned by them too when he's already losing (in his eyes) me and the DC, is making his MH even worse.

AIBU? Or are they? And how do I address this?

OP posts:

unicornsarereal72 · 10/04/2022 18:55

You need to separate physical. Your children will be confused and will be affected by either the way he is behaving or his poor mental health. They need their home to be safe and clam.

Why are you putting his needs above yours and the children.

He is no longer your responsibility and you will feel like a weight has been lifted once you draw that line.

I have nothing to do with the father of my children. He has behaved terrible since we separated over the years. And I will not be drawn into any of it. He is not my concern in any capacity. And I'm not his either.

He can go to housing and declare himself homeless. They will either give him a B and B or hostel options until he finds a room in a shared house. Is he working. Is he getting any help for his health. Or is he hoping you will just give up and he can continue to manipulate you to continue to be responsible for him.

Time to put yourself and the children at the top of your priorities list.

AnnaSW1 · 10/04/2022 18:57

I wouldn't include him either

LittleOwl153 · 10/04/2022 19:08

You are actually screwing with your kids mental health by doing what you are doing. Surely they come first?

They don't know whether mum and dad are together or not.
They think that it's acceptable for mum to be dumped on and treated badly by a man she claims not to a partner of. They have seen him threaten you - you out upnwith it so they thinknits OK.
You are financially supporting him (as I don't suppose he's paying anything let alone 50% of the costs) and thus reducing the support available to them now and in the future
At some point you are going to have to separate which is going to be hard. But he isn't going to make it any easier the longer things go on. How are they going to feel then?

He has really done a number on you hasn't he?!

Chuck him out. If he chooses to live in his car then he is doing that to make you feel guilty. NOT because he has no choice. The council will support him to get benefits and find him somewhere to sleep even if it is a hostel or a room in a shared house.

gannett · 10/04/2022 19:09

I would certainly not include anyone who'd physically threatened a friend or family member in an invite. Not something I could look past.

OP your ex may well be vulnerable and need a support network, but it's not helpful to him for that to be you, and it's certainly not helpful to you. You need to focus on whatever practicalities you need to in order to separate physically.

Original poster

FamilyVsExDP · 10/04/2022 19:13

Thank you soo much for all your replies and I am so so so sorry to have done this but in fact I am SIL. I know, reverses are annoying but I originally wrote up a whole post from me and DH's perspective. But I couldn't do it in a way that even vaguely showed SIL's perspective.

So I thought maybe if I did it as if I was her, using words and phrases she has used (I am not extrapolating regarding what she thinks and feels - everything I've written is pretty much word for word things she has said to me or DH or both in the past), that maybe I'd get a different view.

DH and I totally agree with all of you though. But when we talk to her and one other family member (who admittedly has their own issues) we start to wonder if we're being unfair. She tells us all the time that exBIL has problems and that she can' toss him out because he has nowhere to go and very little money. And as others on this thread have said - our response is to ask when he's going to get full time work (he's still on part time hours from when the DC were small) and whether there's any benefit for the DC having him there in such a confusing way etc etc. But she makes us feel like we are SOOOOO mean and totally unkind.

And now she's basically ghosting us. And I don't know what to do. I'm so tired of it. Tired of trying and reaching out but feeling constantly like I have to police what I say. The person who said there's co-dependency here is totally right. And when we invite her, there's this massive elephant in the room (at best - sometimes she asks if he can come or she tells us sadly that he ws very upset when they left).

The irony is that if she ever invited us to hers, even with him there of course we'd go and be polite. But she doesn't. Even before the break up she never did so it's not just because of him. So I'm really frustrated and having all of you saying it straight does make me feel better.

So thank you. And again, sorry for the reverse.

OP posts:

Original poster

FamilyVsExDP · 10/04/2022 19:14

The council will support him to get benefits and find him somewhere to sleep even if it is a hostel or a room in a shared house.

I sent her some info on council housing and benefits once. Needless to say, she did not respond to me.

OP posts:

Chloemol · 10/04/2022 19:19

I am really confused

He is your ex, why would he be invited to any of your family events?

As to his being upset, you have split up, because of him, so tough if he feels upset

You need to work on him going rather than worrying family won’t invite him to events

Chloemol · 10/04/2022 19:21

Ok having read the last post I would stop inviting her simple as that

coffeeiwish · 10/04/2022 19:24

Leave her to it @FamilyVsExDP

Alliswells · 10/04/2022 19:28

You have not split up at all

whitewashing · 10/04/2022 19:32

It’s a reverse…..

Goodbyetowinter · 10/04/2022 20:03

You must be so fed up with this man. It sounds as if she'll never chuck him out. I'd stick to your guns and never invite him to family events. If she can't draw a boundary, you can.

DippingToes · 10/04/2022 20:19

You've split up! Why would you even want him there?

DippingToes · 10/04/2022 20:21

Oh, just saw it's a reverse

Hoppinggreen · 10/04/2022 20:24

@FamilyVsExDP

What am I supposed to do? He'd be living in his car if I just tossed him out and who knows what would happen to his mental health? How is that helpful for the DC to have a dad who has literally NOTHING and who is in such a terrible place mentally?

I do hear what you're all saying but I think it's not so black and white.

He’s done a right number on you hasnt he?

Original poster

FamilyVsExDP · 10/04/2022 20:24

@Goodbyetowinter

You must be so fed up with this man. It sounds as if she'll never chuck him out. I'd stick to your guns and never invite him to family events. If she can't draw a boundary, you can.

I was so fed up with him for a long time. And of course, we still are. But the thing I hate is that we're starting to get irritated with her too because she just won't see what all the people on this thread have been saying.

And I am FULLY aware that's unfair - that people who are in abusive situations can't just walk away immediately. That he targeted her for a reason and that she's been trained by him for a long time to take responsibility for him. We were also aware, when they were together, that relatively early in their relationship he actually did quite a lot of work to separate her from us. But ultimately he failed. In part because DH and I made a very conscious decision NOT to let it happen. But the downside of that of course is that we've accepted a lot of behaviours that we wouldn't from anyone else and perhaps now she's confused on why we're not doing that any more (and that's behaviours from him and her).

One of his greatest successes was that he convinced PIL that SHE was the problem for a very long time. So they were always telling her that SHE was the problem. It's not a co-incidence, I think, that once they saw the light, things unravelled further. And of course, COVID completely exposed him....

OP posts:

Threetulips · 10/04/2022 20:26

stop stringing him along and cut all toes

Bit harsh!

SIL - you can’t help people unless they help themselves. Ask her how a grown man can be a good father if he can’t look after himself? She’s not doing herself any favors.

I would continue to invite her round and say no to ExBIL and stand your ground. Your invite should only extend to those who you wish to spend time with.

SeasonFinale · 10/04/2022 20:30

He is either your ex or not your ex. I don't share events with my ex and he is my son's dad. However if son has an event/occasion relating to him we both go. Other than that if you include him in your occasions you host so be it. Don't expect others to especially if they weren't that keen when he was your partner.

Original poster

FamilyVsExDP · 10/04/2022 20:31

SIL - you can’t help people unless they help themselves. Ask her how a grown man can be a good father if he can’t look after himself? She’s not doing herself any favors.

Had this conversation.

Honestly, it's really hard to believe if you aren't living it.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 10/04/2022 20:33

I think it's really strange that you would expect them to, tbh. You have broken up.

Kangaruby · 10/04/2022 20:47

I felt responsible like she does, I paid for my ex to get his own flat, deposit and rent until housing benefit sorted, I should not have had to but it really was well worth it, could you suggest something like that?

Original poster

FamilyVsExDP · 10/04/2022 20:49

@Kangaruby

Yes. But you won't be shocked to hear he's pushing back....

As previous posters have pointed out, she's still cooking, cleaning, organising etc. Why would he want to move out?

OP posts:

YoComoManzanas · 10/04/2022 21:01

They're not split up. He's done a number on her and has made her responsible for his mental health. Basically threatening suicide if she boots him. I feel sorry for her but the only thing you can do is keep offering your support and visits without him.

BlueOverYellow · 10/04/2022 22:06

He is not a good person. Good people don't dump all of life's responsibilities on their partner. Good people don't threaten their partners with physical violence to get what they want. Good people don't stick around where they're not wanted.

Get therapy, OP. You need to get to the root of why you're willing to put up with being manipulated by this emotionally and physically abusive man.

Grimsknee · 10/04/2022 23:39

Good on you OP and your husband for persisting in keeping her in your lives, and supporting her. She sounds very trapped. It's possible that there is worse going on than suicide threats. Implied or explicit threats to take her and the kids with him, or she may get punished when he's not invited. What looks like weak behaviour from a woman in this situation is often calculated (if maladaptive) safety behaviour.
Even if that's not going on, he sounds very coercive.
It's great that she has taken the step of divorcing him and she now needs support to leave him or get him out. I agree with pp about you holding a firm boundary and continuing to include her in family life. With him not there, take every opportunity to have a gentle but direct discussion with her...we love you, we want to help you feel safe, how can we help you leave him, have you talked to your gp, shall we get on the phone now and talk to Womens Aid/police etc.

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