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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it just a DH thing? Not getting involved with sorting school events?

82 replies

BFPDec21 · 07/04/2022 07:49

I'm pregnant, not long been back at work after months of sickness with HG and just very tired. It seems also quite forgetful.

I have forgotten or mixed up the 3rd thing for my DD's school events now. I feel awful because I've not been present due to me being so sick for a long while and keep messing up. She's now going to miss out. 1) It's something she wanted to do and, 2) going and taking part was dependent on her behaviour this week. She's tried to be really well behaved and I feel like the worst parent ever.

For some reason, the reminders and sorting out outfits for this, payments for that and buying stuff for said events fall on me. I was still trying to do it whilst I was sick. DH would say "I saw X event is coming up" as soon as he finds out then never mention it again. That's if he does check. One time I forgot completely myself and he said he wasn't aware of any event after I'd asked why DD wasn't dressed up. He gets the same emails as me.

Is this a normal dynamic of it just falling on mums to sort out this stuff regardless of whether another parent is around? Or just my DH?

OP posts:
Sickofnosleep · 07/04/2022 07:53

Tbh I think it is normal. It shouldn’t be and there will probably be loads of replies saying how awful this is but that’s my honest response!

Hope you feel better soon Flowers

GeneLovesJezebel · 07/04/2022 07:57

My DH left it to me, but I think it’s best for one person to be in charge of it. Then you know where you are up to.
Get a family calendar on the wall and write everything down, make lists too. And do what you can immediately, don’t leave it for later.

Baconking · 07/04/2022 07:59

I don't even have DH set up to receive school emails. I've always done that side of things.

Get a family calendar either online or physical and discuss with DH that all events need adding to the calendar as soon as they come through, so you both can add or check it's been added.

It's impossible to keep on top of any school events without organisation as they are easily forgotten.

AntarcticTern · 07/04/2022 08:01

I did it, but that's because I work part time and DH works full time.

Have you talked to him, and asked him to take responsibility for this kind of thing?

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 07/04/2022 08:02

Have you considered, you know, asking him explicitly to take it over?

We both get school emails; I take the lead on forms and payment, so it gets consistently done, but we both attend/get involved. It's normal for all tasks in a household to settle as one person's "job": if you want to change that arrangement, it's fine, but you can't expect him to read your mind about it.

1stWorldProblems · 07/04/2022 08:03

I work in a primary school & yes - we phone the mums first (unless there is a specific note on the child's file to say Dad is the main carer). 90% of emails go to both parents but the men largely leave it to the women.

My DH just doesn't plan ahead for anything - free, work or school. He works about 48 hours on advance so school events always come as a surprise. I know he doesn't read the emails unless the Header says URGENT or similar. Or the shared calendar - it's now shared with both DD too so at least I know have more pairs of eyes on what's upcoming.

Sorry not much help but you're not alone.

Suretobe · 07/04/2022 08:07

My partner has his daughter half of the time. It’s a huge struggle for him to keep on top of the schedule but he does it because there’s no-one else to do it for him. That doesn’t mean I do nothing, but I don’t receive school /club comms, so he has to lead. Sometimes I see the mental load gets heavy!!

NerrSnerr · 07/04/2022 08:09

I work school hours so I do most of it, although I put it on the shared calendar on the wall so there are reminders for all of us. My husband works away a lot so we find it easier for one person to coordinate so nothing gets missed.

tiramisualwaystiramisu · 07/04/2022 08:11

My DH is fairly rubbish at remembering school events, despite insisting he be put on the email list. He is going to the next parents' meeting because I asked him to sort it, but he missed the meeting on SATs last week that he wanted to go to because he forgot. He works full time, I work part-time. It probably shouldn't be that way, but it is in my house. I'm upping my hours when DC2 starts school and I'm dreading having that conversation about resetting the mental load because DH is so used to be me around to sort a lot more (have been part-time for about 5 years). I should have pushed back a lot earlier

Hope you feel better soon

arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2022 08:13

It is normal; but it is completely and utterly wrong that it's normal. Their penises don't preclude them from managing this. After all, they do it at work. Your husband, and others who do this, are being completely sexist and lazy to just leave this to their wives, unless it's your pre-discussed allocated roles. Eg if you are a sahp, the school admin might have been allocated to you. But if you both work equal amounts, there is absolutely no reason the mum should do this rather than the dad.

It's in all areas of life 'did your mum do x?, 'ask your mum to sew this badge on'. Personally I try really hard to either say 'dad' or 'one of your parents' but often get strange looks.

Dailywalk · 07/04/2022 08:14

This used to fall to me as I was the one taking kids to and from school and my email was the contact. I’ve now added DH contact details to school contact list so he gets emails from school directly now too and if I add anything to (Google) calendar I ‘invite’ him so he knows about it too. Also use Alexa to set reminders the day/ week / morning before depending on what it is.

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 07/04/2022 08:15

My DH is really good at remembering these things, and booking and paying for them, but from talking to other mums at the school he's very unusual, as most of their DHs wouldn't even know there was an event coming up. Sad

Simonjt · 07/04/2022 08:19

We have a family calendar, so whoever sees the school email/app message first puts it in the family calendar/makes the payment, the person doing it also puts on a reminder for 24 hours before.

Not only do we both have a penis, my husband is doing it for his step child. Anyone can do it if they want to, not doing it is an active choice.

Karwomannghia · 07/04/2022 08:20

It’s quite normal- we have a class WhatsApp group and whilst I think a dad set it up and a few commented originally you never hear anything from them now but the mums always check in for events, dressing up, dinners, parties etc. dads are nowhere to be seen.
On the other hand I teach and with quite a few of the eal families it’s the dad who is the main contact as the best English speaker and main earner.

FairyCakeWings · 07/04/2022 08:22

I think it would be normal for him to assume that you were going to do it or that you’d ask if he needed to help. Not that that’s the way it should be, but it often is without any it meaning that the husband is doing anything wrong.

It sounds like you’ve been feeling rubbish so have missed things like we all do at some point. Just accept it and think of a way to be more organised next term, instead of turning it round to be your husband’s fault.

UnaOfStormhold · 07/04/2022 08:23

Because my husband's work is much closer to school, we put him as first contact so he gets all the text messages and is actually pretty good at keeping on top of what needs to be done and letting me know if I need to make a payment (I set up the school payment in my name). I get the emails too as backup but again he checks that I've seen them. It is definitely possible.

Camomila · 07/04/2022 08:23

We both get the school emails, and both remember (or not!) school events and to choose school dinners etc.

We both work full time, but even when I was working part time we split the "mental load" stuff.

I agree though, sadly this stuff does tend to fall more on women.

Original poster
BFPDec21 · 07/04/2022 08:25

The problem with a physical calendar or an online one is that he'll ignore it completely. I have some of my hospital appointments on the calendar for him and he still asks.

I did the thing where you can email reminders to a person from your calendar when you add it and he ignored the emails. He had to take DD to a dentist appointment once, it was in the calendar because he accepted it, he was sent an email reminder and I reminded him in the run up to it. On the day they were late because he was busy chatting at work, went home with DD later than he should have picked her up for the appointment. I was at work and called him to check he'd managed to pick her up and were well on their way. No.

He forgets apparently. The thing is, I don't have that privilege. I'm only messing up at times at the moment due to circumstance. We both work full time but he finishes around school time.

OP posts:
Classicblunder · 07/04/2022 08:27

My DH does most of this stuff - he is just more organised than me and does 90% of our day to day payments and stuff - I have no idea how to work the tax-free childcare account for example. I'm sure I could work it out but he just gets on with it.

I do pull my weight in other ways - DH is great at buying new things for the kids but rubbish at sorting out their old things so I am in charge of giving away/decluttering their outgrown clothes and toys etc.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2022 08:29

I remember almost spitting my prosecco out at a party once when a child came up to us adults and said 'dad, did you pack my socks' and, get this, his mum was sat right there too. She's Swedish, doesn't take any shit, and they're the happiest couple I know.

gamerchick · 07/04/2022 08:31

He simply does not see it as something he has to think about. Have you asked him why that is?

arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2022 08:46

@BFPDec21

The problem with a physical calendar or an online one is that he'll ignore it completely. I have some of my hospital appointments on the calendar for him and he still asks.

I did the thing where you can email reminders to a person from your calendar when you add it and he ignored the emails. He had to take DD to a dentist appointment once, it was in the calendar because he accepted it, he was sent an email reminder and I reminded him in the run up to it. On the day they were late because he was busy chatting at work, went home with DD later than he should have picked her up for the appointment. I was at work and called him to check he'd managed to pick her up and were well on their way. No.

He forgets apparently. The thing is, I don't have that privilege. I'm only messing up at times at the moment due to circumstance. We both work full time but he finishes around school time.

The reality is this is unacceptable. He would get fired if he was like this at work. It's so difficult to know how to deal with because it's your dd who misses out and that isn't fair on her. I didn't deal with my exh laziness properly when he did this, then resentment built, and now we're divorced. So, you have to nip this in the bud. How though, I don't know. Consequences?!?
Bunnybunny1 · 07/04/2022 08:50

Right OP, please take some advice from me...
Leave all parental watsapp groups and get your husband to join.
Delete yourself from parent mail/ parent pay/ school grid.
Put your husbands number as the first contact and get him to do all school drop offs and pick ups. This is what I’ve done and it’s amazing.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/04/2022 08:59

@Bunnybunny1
that's great- IF your dh has stepped up. Then it's awesome. But what if he doesn't? It's the child who misses out.

AlphaJura · 07/04/2022 09:03

In my experience it's been me the majority of the time. My ex dd1 and ds's dad has recently started getting involved and getting emails from the school, but that's only because I had surgery and was unable to physically go to meetings or events. It's often up to me to remind him to go though. Same with clubs.. my ex and dh will take the girls to their dance lessons (4 X wk) but I have to check the times and let them know. I've told ex p 'how' to check times (look at their website) or contact teacher but he still phones me if him and dd can't remember what time or something has changed. DH admits he's crap at dates, he doesn't even know when his family members birthdays are! And won't look at a calendar/diary or log in his phone. But he's happy to do anything as long as I tell him and remind him. I know that's bad and it's not ideal but the fact is, if I didn't, I wouldn't 'trust' either of them to do do things.
With 3 dcs, nursery, school and clubs and medical appointments there's been numerous times where I've 'messed up' missed things and got times/dates wrong. I have a family calendar (dh's mum usually gives us one 😂) and I also diarise on my phone, use reminders and alarms and put letters on a pin board. But I'm the only one who looks at the calendar and does this on their phone. I share family events with the dcs on their phone calendar but I don't think they ever look at it!