Is it just a DH thing? Not getting involved with sorting school events?

[BFPDec21]

I'm pregnant, not long been back at work after months of sickness with HG and just very tired. It seems also quite forgetful.

I have forgotten or mixed up the 3rd thing for my DD's school events now. I feel awful because I've not been present due to me being so sick for a long while and keep messing up. She's now going to miss out. 1) It's something she wanted to do and, 2) going and taking part was dependent on her behaviour this week. She's tried to be really well behaved and I feel like the worst parent ever.

For some reason, the reminders and sorting out outfits for this, payments for that and buying stuff for said events fall on me. I was still trying to do it whilst I was sick. DH would say "I saw X event is coming up" as soon as he finds out then never mention it again. That's if he does check. One time I forgot completely myself and he said he wasn't aware of any event after I'd asked why DD wasn't dressed up. He gets the same emails as me.

Is this a normal dynamic of it just falling on mums to sort out this stuff regardless of whether another parent is around? Or just my DH?

@Notlostjustexploring

We started like this, despite out work being evenly split in terms of time, stress hours etc. I did lose my shit before Christmas at hom and things have really improved as I genuinely don't think he saw all the supporting activities keeping things going smoothly. Before i ended up responsible for everything, and balls did get dropped. However, I did make sure he was equally culpable, so that he did the walk of shame when forest school clothed were forgotten, for example. And I make sure if there is guilt to be had, he feels it too. Although if something is his responsibility, I will not be a safety net. Which means that yes, if he drops a ball, the kids will miss out. However, I've got 2 boys, and they are going to grow up knowing that both parents are responsible. I refuse to perpetuate the cycle.

I did also, most seriously, tell him before we were married that I'd forgive most things, possibly even cheating, but if he consciously pulled sexist shit I'd divorce him in a heartbeat and I think he remembers that.

How is it sexist to not want to engage in Hallmark commercially driven days, and egg box painting for schools?

How does one measure comparative stress levels between jobs?

I do all the admin, however, I don't feel guilty for not participating in every single school request. It's not necessary to drown parents in extracurricular activities. Such as sponsored cake baking.

I will say “oh x is coming up” and he will pitch in if needed. So If DD needs a costume DH will be googling away. If for example she’s going on a school trip and he’s doing morning nursery run he will usually quickly sign permission slip and hand it in. We had to make some food for a school party and DH and I got up early to do it together.

I’m a SAHM so I do the bulk of organising for events etc because I get the info and have the parent app but I always tell him and he will definitely get stuck unless I say I’ve already sorted it.

Same with DR’s dentists appointments etc.

Tbh your husband just can’t be arsed. Reality is when someone does this they are basically saying I don’t have to worry about this because it’s actually your job, so if I fuck it up it’s not really my problem cos I was doing you a favour anyway.

@BFPDec21

Sorry, it's been a long day.

DH is the same with Christmas, Birthdays, Mother's Day, doctors appointments or even calling to book one, etc. Presents are either late or he doesn't buy anything at all. I could never let his DM go without on Mother's Day and I think she knows it's me who makes the effort as much as I can. It's the same for DD and school, I don't want her being left out. My DH never forgets my things though so he has the ability to remember and sort cards and presents.

I've told him I need some support at the moment with the school events and he's agreed so we'll see how it goes. I wouldn't assume he knows about anything and think it's worth doubling up if that's what gets me through for now.

I think we're conditioned to do it, my DM did it for her partners throughout her life and with her DB (the only boy so obviously he needed help), her DM also did it too. It really gets my back up when men at work say they don't know how to use or do something and ask someone else to do it frequently instead of learning too. When do they learn that that's ok?

I always said I wouldn't be "that person" who does everything for her DH, running around like a headless chicken at Christmas for example but it's been made clear that other women expect a lot of each other too. Probably because they're victims of that conditioning themselves.

Then you are enabling him. It's making a rod for your own back. You're right to identify that you need better boundaries here. Start with the things that would have most impact on him if you didn't do, and pick your battles. I would begin with presents for his side of the family.

I was a SAHM so I did most of the school admin. I had no problem with that as it made it easier. DH would do anything needed and always did a fair share of housework and childcare.

When we were getting married his DM tried to give me a list of all the birthdays in their family, assuming I would take over the role of sorting cards and presents. I declined, explaining that I wasn't giving him a list from my side. She and my SIL were baffled at DH having to do it (he didn't mind in the least and would never have expected it of me).

It's normal, but it's wrong that it's normal

This is an excellent comic about the "mental load" that too many women bear:
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Is normal. My DH doesn’t even know the names of DC’s teachers, where their classroom is, what activity’s DC are signed up to…

Not saying it’s good, but it is totally normal.

Now that I think about it, DH also doesn’t know most of his own admin stuff either, and relies on me to remind him.

😖

It’s depressingly normal.

Don’t wait any longer to fix it. Because it will become entrenched if you do, and so much harder to sort out.

He can manage a job, so he can - and should - manage this too.