Is it just a DH thing? Not getting involved with sorting school events?

[BFPDec21]

I'm pregnant, not long been back at work after months of sickness with HG and just very tired. It seems also quite forgetful.

I have forgotten or mixed up the 3rd thing for my DD's school events now. I feel awful because I've not been present due to me being so sick for a long while and keep messing up. She's now going to miss out. 1) It's something she wanted to do and, 2) going and taking part was dependent on her behaviour this week. She's tried to be really well behaved and I feel like the worst parent ever.

For some reason, the reminders and sorting out outfits for this, payments for that and buying stuff for said events fall on me. I was still trying to do it whilst I was sick. DH would say "I saw X event is coming up" as soon as he finds out then never mention it again. That's if he does check. One time I forgot completely myself and he said he wasn't aware of any event after I'd asked why DD wasn't dressed up. He gets the same emails as me.

Is this a normal dynamic of it just falling on mums to sort out this stuff regardless of whether another parent is around? Or just my DH?

My DH is pretty good at this stuff. He did a really good world book day costume and will help to make sure slips are signed and returned. He's never once made a packed lunch or taken DS to a party (there have been LOADS). He would really struggle with that but he's good at other parenting stuff so it's ok. It's not completely balanced as I'm part time so a lot of admin is left to me, but he does enough in my opinion. I think you need a chat with DH about this.

This is called the mental load of family life, and it is why so many women feel overwhelmed. Have a talk, go for counselling to have a constructive conversation- and share the tasks out equitably

I work part time so I do the majority of the school and clubs stuff for the kids - DP coaches the kids football and will take them to other appointments etc when reminded. I started putting stuff in the calendar on his day off when he does pick up/drop off etc - e.g dentists/play dates etc and to my surprise he's been fine! But sometime he does forget to check the online calendar or assumes that his appointment trumps mine - eg there was extra football training for our 7yo DS - I had a smear appointment which was in the calendar for weeks before- I just assumed he'd sorted 4 yo DS childcare out - last minute optional footy training v medical examination - surely medical exam wins? He hadn't......and he couldn't possibly look after him for 30 mins and coach at the same time. Cue me frantically messaging everyone to see if someone could childmind.....

DH email is on school records. I've no idea why. He hasn't read an email or noticed anything about school in 12 years. He couldn't even tell you what school year our kids are in.

DH definitely prioritises.

1. Getting to school on the correct days and times. He does this, but I put the dates in the calendar usually.
2. Directly educational activities. He reads with the DC every day. Homework he will get involved with if he perceives it to be useful. If he needs to make a model of a digestive system he wouldn’t bother.
3. Meals. He CBA to make lunches for them so would happily pay for school dinners. I do this, as I set up the account. I will give him the details to share this in future.
4. Bringing in wellies and extra layers etc. This wouldn’t get done if it wasn’t for me.
5. Bringing eg egg boxes. No chance.
6. Volunteering at PTA events. No, unless it was a very specific (usually physical) task with a definite start and finish time, no hanging around chatting.
7. The WhatsApp group. DH is not part of this, but would definitely exit it quickly if so. He would prioritise direct communication from school rather than “Ellie’s mum said Miss Price told Evie that you’re not allowed to wear white trainers on Wednesdays”.

Just because something is 'normal' doesn't make it right.

In our house it is not like this, we share it and if I am honest I do less because my working hours cover school home time whereas DH is usually available to receive a letter. Also DH is the main kitchen operative in our house so anything involving food would always go to him.

It is usually me who dishes out the £1 coins in the morning.

You need to do two things:

1. Encourage your kids to be more naggy about this stuff themselves
2. Have a proper chat with your DH and tell him it is not fair that you have to remember all this stuff.

Too many women do everything without thinking about it. There are other options.

@BFPDec21

Sorry, it's been a long day.

DH is the same with Christmas, Birthdays, Mother's Day, doctors appointments or even calling to book one, etc. Presents are either late or he doesn't buy anything at all. I could never let his DM go without on Mother's Day and I think she knows it's me who makes the effort as much as I can. It's the same for DD and school, I don't want her being left out. My DH never forgets my things though so he has the ability to remember and sort cards and presents.

I've told him I need some support at the moment with the school events and he's agreed so we'll see how it goes. I wouldn't assume he knows about anything and think it's worth doubling up if that's what gets me through for now.

I think we're conditioned to do it, my DM did it for her partners throughout her life and with her DB (the only boy so obviously he needed help), her DM also did it too. It really gets my back up when men at work say they don't know how to use or do something and ask someone else to do it frequently instead of learning too. When do they learn that that's ok?

I always said I wouldn't be "that person" who does everything for her DH, running around like a headless chicken at Christmas for example but it's been made clear that other women expect a lot of each other too. Probably because they're victims of that conditioning themselves.

I’d be saying you need support with Mother’s Day, Christmas, birthdays and everything else.

Sounds like he’s been getting away with you bearing the mental load for too long.

My dating persona was lazy, disorganised slob who didn’t cook or clean to avoid men like this completely. Now I’m with a dynamic man who remembers everything, sorts everything, books everything- I’m happy to do a bit more

You’re right OP, we’re definitely conditioned into it.

In our house, we’ve made a conscious decision that DH sorts Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthday and Xmas presents for his side of the family. I do usually remind him (once) a couple of weeks before.

DC are more tricky.. mine is only 1 but so far I’ve done all his appointments etc because I was on maternity leave.

I’m going to make a conscious effort not to take it all on though. I’ve explained the “mental load” to DH and he seems to understand the concept.

The mental load of Hallmarks days.

There's no mental load if you don't get drawn into these extracurricular commercially driven initiatives.
I agree that administering between the school and the child is important, but I feel no guilt for not contributing or participating in every fundraising event or whatever other marketing fundraising idea the PTFA thinks up.

As a child, I have fond memories of sports day and other events. Now it's challenge 2022, mothers day events, and cake stalls.

This is an excerpt from our school's recent email.
'We are encouraging each child to raise £20.22 over the course of 3 weeks, from now to April 28th. They can do it individually, as a family, or as a group. They could use the number 22 to inspire them! For instance, they could bake 22 cupcakes, sing 22 songs, score 22 goals, etc.
Really, who has time for this bullshit?
It's too much, you're burning yourselves out, men can see that and opt-out.
99% of it is complete cobblers and unnecessary.

There's no mental load if you don't get drawn into these extracurricular commercially driven initiatives.
I agree that administering between the school and the child is important, but I feel no guilt for not contributing or participating in every fundraising event or whatever other marketing fundraising idea the PTFA thinks up

But lots of the things are not optional though eg consent for covid/flu jabs, paying for school trips (and ensuring instructions are followed for arrival time/clothes/kit etc), school lunches, having (washed and correct) pe kit on correct day, taking correct equipment on right day.Ensuring library books are returned, knowing term dates (and arranging childcare if needed) on inset days. Knowing what day exams are and ensuring child can get to/from exams on time.

Even the alleged optional things are not really. I (and my DC) would feel bad if they were the only one without a costume for WBD, assemblies etc

I do all the school stuff. Mostly because I was a primary school teacher for many years and so know how schools work.

But my DH does all the sport stuff. Both our DC play football and cricket. My DH is the coach for one of the teams.

So we split the load. I manage all the school stuff. DH manages all the sport stuff. It balances quite well especially as we have a family calendar that everyone works to.

@Fizbosshoes

There's no mental load if you don't get drawn into these extracurricular commercially driven initiatives. I agree that administering between the school and the child is important, but I feel no guilt for not contributing or participating in every fundraising event or whatever other marketing fundraising idea the PTFA thinks up

But lots of the things are not optional though eg consent for covid/flu jabs, paying for school trips (and ensuring instructions are followed for arrival time/clothes/kit etc), school lunches, having (washed and correct) pe kit on correct day, taking correct equipment on right day.Ensuring library books are returned, knowing term dates (and arranging childcare if needed) on inset days. Knowing what day exams are and ensuring child can get to/from exams on time.

Even the alleged optional things are not really. I (and my DC) would feel bad if they were the only one without a costume for WBD, assemblies etc

I agree in part but the general admin of getting up, washing, and clothing isn't difficult is it. It's all the other additional obligations that are just downright irritating and blatantly unnecessary. This idea of making school an extension of not only the family but social life is infuriating for very busy parents. Who has time for 5-14 hr working days, home admin management, personal life, and baking 22 fucking buns or painting an egg box. Especially when some of these emails or texts are arriving in the parent's inbox the day before at 8 pm.

I think it’s acceptable as long as it’s a conscious decision, jointly made and agreed to by both of you.

There’s no point both parents both having the mental load for the same thing. What works for us is me doing 100% of some things - anything related to the kids school, and my husband doing 100% of other things - for example he does all food shopping, meal planning (and most of the cooking).

This means no one has to keep on top of everything. It may take some trial and error to work out what’s a fair and equal allocation to you both, but definitely worth it in the long run in my opinion.

@Bunnybunny1

Right OP, please take some advice from me... Leave all parental watsapp groups and get your husband to join. Delete yourself from parent mail/ parent pay/ school grid. Put your husbands number as the first contact and get him to do all school drop offs and pick ups. This is what I’ve done and it’s amazing.

This is what you need to do.

Tell him explicitly HE is responsible and that is it.

Any messing up is on HIM.

Sort it out now.

He is being strategically incompetent so you will step up.
Don't.

Give him full responsibility and tell him so.

@BFPDec21 I know where you're coming from re Mother's Day. dh's mum or dad used to remind him about that about a wk before and same for birthdays. I couldn't believe it when i asked when their birthdays were and he genuinely didn't know! Or his brothers. I have managed to drum in his dd's birthday (but he still gets it confused with her due date! ) But now we are married I just think it's rude to forget their birthdays, so I've made a note of them and remind him now.. on Mother's Day I was sending my dm some flowers as we had covid and couldn't see them.. I thought it would be nice to send Dh's mum some too! He didn't even consider it. She phoned to say she was so pleased and it really cheered her up. He said that she 'knew' it was my doing and not his, even though I put his name first on the note.

I know this thread isn't about me but to the people who say 'I bet he doesn't forget things at work!' Well it depends what type of job they have. My dh is a manual labourer, he's a builder and works on his own most of the time, unless it's a big job. He's fine at work, because he just turns up, works x amount of hours and when the job's finished, it's finished. He doesn't even care what day of the week it is. I have to tell him important family things, so make sure you're not working that day for eg. I must admit, if he had to be somewhere for a specific time like a materials delivery or meeting another tradesman, he has to tell me and keep reminding himself. He spends alot of time sorting out what tools he needs and clearing the van for each job. He probably could be more organised but he gets by. He doesn't work in an office though, so he's not used to checking emails and schedules and looking at calendars.

I thought that too @AlphaJura but I was thinking about it and my DH likes little DIY projects and can organise himself enough to get bits and pieces, buy things off of Gumtree after communicating with sellers or look for sales in the shops. He does it because he's interested in it.

Admittedly, with bills, 'Hallmark holidays', solicitors, etc., he's always been hopeless with that kind of life admin. He just needs to get on with it and brush up on those skills.

Maybe this is the year with another child on the way to set boundaries with what I do. I must admit, he does lots with DD but holidays get hectic and stressful unnecessarily. School stuff needs to be split between us it seems so perhaps he deals with academic updates and I deal with social or vice versa.

I think he sounds like he is capable of doing things when he needs to. So dad's stuff needs to become a needs to for him not just a nice if mum remembers.

When I was expecting dc2 I set up a shared calendar and EVERYTHING went on it. School stuff - with the letter/email/text attached, what kit she needed and what time and place to take/pick up for clubs etc and to do list on the side and I made it very clear that it was as important to him as feeding dd when I was not able to do so. It worked well for a while. It is lapsing again now and I need to fight back but my dc are old enough they also have shared access now and can mostly sort themselves which helps!

That’s the key I think … they step up when they’re interested in something. DH had zero interest or input into helping DD choose a uni and sort out student finance … too busy apparently. But when it came to looking for a little car for her he suddenly found hours of free time to scour auto trader online as he loves cars

What you all need to do is manage what's important and what isn't and stop drowning the family with incessant drivel and obligation.
50% of which are complete cobblers.
Stop pretending making an appointment is organizing a school uniform or painting an egg box is equivalent to a career or job.
It isn't.

What are you talking about? Most of us do this on top of jobs. It’s boring but still has to be done- that’s the problem.

I work in a primary school & yes - we phone the mums first (unless there is a specific note on the child's file to say Dad is the main carer). 90% of emails go to both parents but the men largely leave it to the women. I also work in a primary school and find this quite shocking, esp that you would even have a note saying who the main carer is. What does that even mean? My husband and I both work similar hours and both do a bit of everything for the children. He tends to do the nursery run but that doesn't mean he's the main carer. I always ask children if either their mum or dad is at home that day if I am phoning home. If we want parents to drop off wellies or whatever and can't get through, we'd leave a message on both parents' mobiles.

We started like this, despite out work being evenly split in terms of time, stress hours etc. I did lose my shit before Christmas at hom and things have really improved as I genuinely don't think he saw all the supporting activities keeping things going smoothly. Before i ended up responsible for everything, and balls did get dropped. However, I did make sure he was equally culpable, so that he did the walk of shame when forest school clothed were forgotten, for example. And I make sure if there is guilt to be had, he feels it too.
Although if something is his responsibility, I will not be a safety net. Which means that yes, if he drops a ball, the kids will miss out. However, I've got 2 boys, and they are going to grow up knowing that both parents are responsible. I refuse to perpetuate the cycle.

I did also, most seriously, tell him before we were married that I'd forgive most things, possibly even cheating, but if he consciously pulled sexist shit I'd divorce him in a heartbeat and I think he remembers that.

My DH was great for academic related events and he so helped with homework spellings etc and never missed a parent teacher meeting and talks about careers and college applications etc. However he was convinced all other activities and sports were a waste and would never engage.

@BFPDec21 yes mine is like that too, he can get the materials he needs for a job, at home or work and he is quite good at scouting around to get good prices. I suppose it's because he's interested in and good at that. You play to your strengths I suppose. He is quite good at things like reading with dd or creative stuff, art or making things. But he's useless organisational stuff and dates. He can cook, he did step up when I was recovering from an op and it was adequate, although I think my older dcs prefer my cooking but that's just because I know what they like more, which is why I prefer to normally do the cooking.
I noticed at that point that dh would get 'hung up' on one thing and it would take hours, like clearing away and folding all the washing off of a clothes horse. He did it very well but at the expense of other things, the dishes would then sit there until the next day and it would frustrate me. I usually 'multitask' and do a bit of everything so things keep ticking over, although it always looks like nothing is finished with my way.