Is it just a DH thing? Not getting involved with sorting school events?

[BFPDec21]

I'm pregnant, not long been back at work after months of sickness with HG and just very tired. It seems also quite forgetful.

I have forgotten or mixed up the 3rd thing for my DD's school events now. I feel awful because I've not been present due to me being so sick for a long while and keep messing up. She's now going to miss out. 1) It's something she wanted to do and, 2) going and taking part was dependent on her behaviour this week. She's tried to be really well behaved and I feel like the worst parent ever.

For some reason, the reminders and sorting out outfits for this, payments for that and buying stuff for said events fall on me. I was still trying to do it whilst I was sick. DH would say "I saw X event is coming up" as soon as he finds out then never mention it again. That's if he does check. One time I forgot completely myself and he said he wasn't aware of any event after I'd asked why DD wasn't dressed up. He gets the same emails as me.

Is this a normal dynamic of it just falling on mums to sort out this stuff regardless of whether another parent is around? Or just my DH?

When my DS was at school all of this fell to my H because I worked FT and he was a SAHD. I would only get involved if he asked me to deal with something specific.

Of course I'm very old so in those days it was a physical letter home, none of this modern email or whatsapp stuff!

If you are both working similar hours then either one of you takes all this on and the other takes all something else on, or you split it evenly.

Your current method clearly isn't working (perhaps just temporarily while you're pg and struggling?) so some sort of change is needed.

DH gives me the majority of his money and I deal with all payments and bills (I don't mind the bills thing because I lived in the house on my own before I got with dh so I was already 'in charge' of it). DH admits im better at budgeting and managing the money. This makes it sound like he's crap, but he's so much better at clearing stuff out, improving the home (he's a builder) fixing things, repairing things, all the maintenance of the house and garden and car and washes the cars and can fix minor things on the car like headlamps which I could never do so I don't mind really.

My husband and I both get the school emails. My husband doesn't read any of them. I sort it out for both kids. To be fair I don't work so I don't mind at all but if both parents are working then it probably should be shared although I bet in most households it isn't.

@BFPDec21

The problem with a physical calendar or an online one is that he'll ignore it completely. I have some of my hospital appointments on the calendar for him and he still asks.

I did the thing where you can email reminders to a person from your calendar when you add it and he ignored the emails. He had to take DD to a dentist appointment once, it was in the calendar because he accepted it, he was sent an email reminder and I reminded him in the run up to it. On the day they were late because he was busy chatting at work, went home with DD later than he should have picked her up for the appointment. I was at work and called him to check he'd managed to pick her up and were well on their way. No.

He forgets apparently. The thing is, I don't have that privilege. I'm only messing up at times at the moment due to circumstance. We both work full time but he finishes around school time.

If he manages to not forget shit at work, and I bet he doesn’t, then this is nothing more than wilful incompetence, because he knows (and expects you, as the woman) to do it.

You both work full time. He finishes at school pick up time. You’re pregnant with HG. There’s an argument that he should take the lead with all the life-min bollocks.

It’s normal in my house but then I work part-time so I do it however I would be doing it even if I was full time as I just couldn’t trust my DH to do it and then our DD would have missed out on things.

Like others have said, he is amazing at his job where he has to be on top of his game but all family life organisation is down to me. He just doesn’t place so much importance on it and probably wouldn’t even think about how it would affect our child.

In fact I organise everything about our home life otherwise we just wouldn’t do anything. Depressing isn’t it?

Yeah, I've always done it. My ex-DH didn't even get the emails. To be honest, I found it easier for one person to take control, it meant that there were no 'have you done it' 'no I thought you were going to do it' shenanigans going on. Saying that it doesn't have to be the mum, obviously!

I bet he managed not to “forget” about work related stuff.

It’s just deliberate incompetence so that you’ll do it for him. Stop.

No, men are just as capable at managing a family schedule as women.

DP is apparently unable to multi task. Having seen him try to manage nursery drop of and pick up and our DDs swimming lesson whilst I’ve been recovering from a c section for 5 weeks… I agree, he’s shit at multi tasking. No one would make life that difficult for themselves on purpose surely.

All things for the DC’s fall to me. They wouldn’t have food, clothes, activities etc if I didn’t do it. I find it easier to just do it than to have to sort things that he’s run out of time for/missed.

I am however utterly fed up of him professing to not know things and so I started using Cozi app this week.

Now it’s his own fault if he doesn’t check the calendar or add things to the shopping list and we can both see the to do list and he knows I expect him to do some of it!

In the same way I no longer do anything that only impacts on him or his family. He apparently can’t remember to wash his clothes or clean his room. I just tell him when he stinks now and he’s going to have to explain to his sister when she stays in that room over Easter why it’s disgusting. I stopped doing basic tasks for him when we had actual children who need those things doing!

I do it all and it drives me mad. I don’t just do it, I am asked every day ‘what they have on later’ even though some of the clubs etc have been the same time and day for years. To get him on board I have to write it all down even the regular stuff. He has stress issues and says he can’t do any more so if I don’t do it it won’t get done. It’s becoming a big issue tbh so if you can nip it on the bud do. By the time they are late primary / early teens they could have sports stuff every night of the week if they are keen

@Bunnybunny1

Right OP, please take some advice from me... Leave all parental watsapp groups and get your husband to join. Delete yourself from parent mail/ parent pay/ school grid. Put your husbands number as the first contact and get him to do all school drop offs and pick ups. This is what I’ve done and it’s amazing.

If I did that my kids would miss activities. No question. So I do it for them

Strategic incompetence.

He does not do things because he does not want to because such work is 'cunt work'.

Yeah I do all of this in our house. Dh forgets and the kids suffer which I don’t want. He wasn’t actually getting any emails from school so I made sure that he was added but it hasn’t made a blind bit of difference.

He’s not actually a bad guy, but he forgets anything home related. It’s just easier for me to either do or delegate. So I say to him, can you do x? I won’t remind you, you just need to get it done, can you do that? It’s usually ok. Also I send him invites to every school event and parents meeting so It’s always in his diary. I’d be putting it in my diary anyway so it’s not much more effort and now he makes it to more things.

I’ve spent a long time fighting the inequality, but he is a decent guy. He’s there for the kids in other ways. He does the vast majority of drop offs and pick ups since lockdown, and ferries the kids everywhere on weekends, even venturing out to pick ds up in the middle of the night while I sleep. He also never fails to remember bin day which I deliberately have nothing to do with! So now I pick my battles and this is one I can live with.

We're both on the school mailing list.
When I have them I deal with it, when they're with my ex-wife she does the communications.
Sometimes it's just a general PITA, school wittering on every day. CBA with it.
I organize sleepovers/parties for the kids with other parents but messages are quick and concise no long chats or phone pinging. No what's app groups.

I just think mums are more invested in this type of child socializing/activities.

In my oh-so-humble-opinion -

schools want far too much from parents now! Parents have their jobs (maybe) and their own family time (very important). Parents are not an adjunct to school activities!!!

the frequent "badgering" as I saw it, and contact from the school I found irksome to be honest.

My ex didn't see it as something he should have to lower himself to. It's one of the reasons he's an ex. In the end he made himself irrelevant to the family unit.

The sad truth is a man like that cannot be relied on.

Trees I would really struggle to still fancy a man that behaved like that.

Men are far better at seeing they are being guilt-tripped and used by the school system. Thats how I see it. Women "fall into line".

I never get the whole ‘I bet he doesn’t do this at work’ thing. I’ve worked with plenty of men who want to cherry pick the bits of their jobs they find interesting/valuable and offload the rest onto the nearest woman.

I tend to enjoy(or at least prefer being in control of) the admin-y stuff plus I’m more available to do it than my husband because of our jobs so I do most of it. I think attempting to split it evenly on a normal basis would lead to more things getting missed/becoming complicated. We work as a team though and if I’m struggling with anything he wants to help, plus he does most of the stuff he’s better at than me like cooking, so it doesn’t really piss me off.

@LostPropertySong

Men are far better at seeing they are being guilt-tripped and used by the school system. Thats how I see it. Women "fall into line".

I agree, women are the same in the workplace too.

Sorry, it's been a long day.

DH is the same with Christmas, Birthdays, Mother's Day, doctors appointments or even calling to book one, etc. Presents are either late or he doesn't buy anything at all. I could never let his DM go without on Mother's Day and I think she knows it's me who makes the effort as much as I can. It's the same for DD and school, I don't want her being left out. My DH never forgets my things though so he has the ability to remember and sort cards and presents.

I've told him I need some support at the moment with the school events and he's agreed so we'll see how it goes. I wouldn't assume he knows about anything and think it's worth doubling up if that's what gets me through for now.

I think we're conditioned to do it, my DM did it for her partners throughout her life and with her DB (the only boy so obviously he needed help), her DM also did it too. It really gets my back up when men at work say they don't know how to use or do something and ask someone else to do it frequently instead of learning too. When do they learn that that's ok?

I always said I wouldn't be "that person" who does everything for her DH, running around like a headless chicken at Christmas for example but it's been made clear that other women expect a lot of each other too. Probably because they're victims of that conditioning themselves.

My DH and I are both neurodivergent, both have executive functioning issues - him more so than me to be fair. Staying on top of work takes so much effort that at times there's not much left over to stay on top of home stuff too.

My DH is rubbish with presents, anniversaries, postcards from holiday (back when they were more of a thing but his mum loves them still), etc, etc. He remembers my birthday and anniversary but noone else's, like yours @BFPDec21 . However, he used to float through life assuming that's okay or having other people cover for him. I do not think it's okay and will not cover for him.

I have had to come up with all kinds of strategies to cope with the increased demands on my executive dysfunction that come with adulthood and parenting. I don't want my kids to miss out or be impacted. I don't want friends and loved ones to have to be understanding that I didn't forget them as such. And, as a woman, socially/societally it's just not acceptable for me to do not do this sh*t. He has a penis and so does have me as a safety net - except I just won't have that.

We have divided up our home life responsibilities in ways that mean I do more of the school and kid admin as it makes sense for us (strengths vs weaknesses, I'm primary carer, etc) but not all of it. But that's a conscious and joint decision. If I'm ill or not available he knows he has to step in. I should not have to tell him to do that it should be bloody obvious! I also do not do the life admin of present buying for his family or things like that.

There are good reasons some people find this stuff hard. There are no good reasons for ignoring all of it, unless both people in the relationship are genuinely happy with one person doing that.

Sadly, however, it is normal for it all to fall to 'mum' .

I do it all, then at least it’s done and there’s no uncertainty over who’s doing what. I also pay all the bills, sort out all the house paperwork. I’m an accountant and dp has manual job so we play to our strengths here.

I did all that because I worked part time and DH worked long hours. Also because I’m a bit of a control freak.

Out of all the families I know through school there’s only one dad that seemed proactive at anything like this. He used to text for play dates etc as well.

Its normal for us too. My dh is amazing at home, cooks 99%, cleans, does washing, does all gardening but school stuff is my forte. Iv had hyperemsis with two out of three pregnancies so you have my sympathy. You need to put stuff in your calendar on your mobile as soon as its emailed and set an alarm to remind yourself as well this is the only way I never forget anything. I hope you are feeling better soon.