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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m 9 weeks pregnant and haven’t told my mum, I just don’t really like her, sounds awful I know.

84 replies

Motherissues1 · 07/04/2022 07:37

It is a bit of a surprise pregnancy and I’m 39. I have an amazing boyfriend and we are surprised but happy. His parents were happy but I’ve not got the courage to tell my mum.

We are just so very different, she was emotionally non existent growing up and I’ve always hid everything from her. She will not be happy most probably and come up will all sorts of negative things to say. I find her coming really depressing. It’s not he normal thing to say is it. I’ll have to listen to months and months of all the reasons why I’ve made a mistake. How she will be effected and will have to help me.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 07/04/2022 07:38

Don’t tell her 🤷‍♀️

myrtlehuckingfuge · 07/04/2022 07:41

If you think telling her will compromise your wellbeing then don't, you don't need the stress especially at this time. You are protecting your unborn child too. There's no law that says that you have to.

Dailywalk · 07/04/2022 07:46

Perhaps you won’t get the reaction you’re expecting and worrying about telling her is actually worse than just getting it over with. I feel like this with my mum too and sometimes the worry of what might happen or what she might say really makes me anxious. It’s crazy cos I’m 42!!

heyday · 07/04/2022 08:11

Perhaps wait for a while. There is no rush to tell her. Later on just casually mention it. If she's happy, then great but if she starts being negative just have very little or no contact with her. It's your life and you're happy...don't let her spoil this for you.

Holly60 · 07/04/2022 08:14

Definitely wait until YOU are ready to tell her. don’t worry about the ‘right’ thing to do. When baby gets here you won’t have time to worry about what she thinks so if waiting makes your pregnancy easier - do that.

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 07/04/2022 08:14

It will absolutely be an opinion based on how it will effect her. Unfortunately I see her a lot since my dad died as my brother doesn’t really have much interest and lives a few hours away. She will notice it soon and it’s hard hiding the sickness.

It’s not planned but we are of the attitude we will get on with it and do our best. She will not have this opinion. When I had my daughter 6 years ago her face hit the floor, she is so miserable.

I’m like a child…I don’t wanna do it.

OP posts:
GlamorousHeifer · 07/04/2022 08:14

Will you be expecting lots of help OP? That comment makes it sound like you rush headlong into situations and she bails you out! Or is it more that's she thinks that's how it happens when in reality you're standing on your own two feet?
Whichever of those it is would make a difference to how I felt about you telling her if that makes any sense.

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 07/04/2022 08:21

My mum gave me complex ptsd and she has inevitably had to help me with the health issues this gave me as a teenager and young adult. I suffer chronic fatigue. I grew up terrified of her yet eager to please her. She was a horrible mum but has mellowed a bit in her age but she is still very similar in some ways but not so aggressive.

It took me a long time to realise she was the cause of my issues. I had such a sad childhood. I think this has triggered me a little. She is my mum and I expect her to be loving and supportive but I know she will be thinking of herself.

OP posts:
Aimee1987 · 07/04/2022 08:23

@heyday

Perhaps wait for a while. There is no rush to tell her. Later on just casually mention it. If she's happy, then great but if she starts being negative just have very little or no contact with her. It's your life and you're happy...don't let her spoil this for you.
This very sound advice.

It's quite common not to tell people untill later in a pregnancy

CakeIsNotALuxury · 07/04/2022 08:26

Simple tell her, if she's negative. Then back away, spend less time with her and tell her why. "Mum this is my life I'm 39 ffs, if I want a child I'll have one. I'm a good mum and it's my choice if you're going to ruin it for me then I'm afraid I'm going to need to take some space from you." No wonder your DB did a runner!

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 07/04/2022 08:30

It’s sad really. I’ve been feeling so tired and sick these past weeks. You just want to tell your mum and have her comfort you but I’ve never had it. Now I’m 39 and still afraid of her.

I have friends who even when they made mistakes go to there mums and they always on there side offering support. Its horrible never having that.

OP posts:
5zeds · 07/04/2022 08:31

Why do you still live close to her and go and see her lots etc? Why don’t you just move away, pay for the support you need and be free? I’m sure you’ve come up with a million reasons “why” already but you can just do it.

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 07/04/2022 08:39

@5zeds because of guilt and because there is no one else. My dad before he died asked me to take care of her, even though she made his life absolutely miserable. He even half jokingly said that’s why he got cancer.
I hate this situation. People must look at me not looking after my mum more and judge me. She just makes me feel ill when I’m around her.

OP posts:
DFOD · 07/04/2022 08:43

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Have you had therapy for your cPTSD?

Your own current mindset is hurting you here. Your DM never was and never will be capable of giving you the caring compassionate relationship you deserve. You need to grieve the loss of this rather than have unrealistic hope where you will be deeply hurt and disappointed again. You need some professional help to help you accept that and adapt so that you are not continuing to seek comfort from the person who can’t / won’t give it and who you know will hurt you.

Luciea19 · 07/04/2022 08:44

You don’t have to tell her. Or wait until your ready. She doesn’t have to be part of your life it’s your choice maybe consider how you see her involvement in your life moving forward as a grandparent. If you want her to know but don’t want the negatives maybe send a card with a scan photo. Then you are prepared for the conversation but can choose when to pick up the phone? Can your partner help deal with her, back you up?

NewandNotImproved · 07/04/2022 08:44

My shit mother gave me CPTSD too, OP. They reap what they sow, she doesn’t deserve the title of mother, have you had any therapy or CBT?
She deserves to be cut out of your life and not inflicted on a new generation, your brother has the right idea. You need to get out of the fear, obligation and guilt, and work on yourself.

MrsEmmelinePankhurst · 07/04/2022 08:45

You reap what you sow - this is of your mum’s own making. It’s not your fault that she’s a terrible mother, and your dad doesn’t sound like a great dad either if he did nothing to stop her messing you up and then guilted you into looking after her. Where are YOUR needs in all of this? You don’t have to do things for them just because they’re your parents. Please have counselling to help you accept this, honestly you will feel so free when you get to that point. Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers

MrsEmmelinePankhurst · 07/04/2022 08:46

Op - 4 of us just wrote basically the same thing at the same time - we can’t all be wrong!

Hiddenvoice · 07/04/2022 08:46

No judgement here, if you’re mum makes you feel like that then it must be really tough. I’d say hold off until you’ve had your scan.
You can make up an excuse that you’re unwell if she sees/hears you being sick.
When you’re ready to tell her you could go with your boyfriend and then leave when you feel ready. That way you have him as support. When you tell her be direct and explain how happy you are. If she starts being miserable and talking about her life then offer to find someone else to care for her if she feels thag way.
Congratulations on the baby!

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 07/04/2022 08:51

I have had some therapy, probably not enough because it does still get to me. Especially when people around me announced pregnancy’s and they all talking about there amazing mums and the support they have and there’s me terrified to tell her. I don’t know why I’m bothered by what she says but it does still hurt. It is a part of me and my life that is missing and I’m not sure I could get over having it missing.

Maybe is hormones at the moment but it’s making me sad that I don’t have that kind of live in my life (from my daughter I do).

OP posts:
DFOD · 07/04/2022 08:52

This current mindset will inadvertently be hurting your current daughter and the new baby as they will pick up, absorb and internalise your sadness, distress and resentment. They will be confused about these negative feelings and have their own distress which will come through in their own anxieties and behaviour, They need their mum to be authentically content confident and balanced - not someone hurting and subjugated to her mother because this makes you emotionally unavailable to them. Seek some professional help to learn ways to detach from the FOG (fear obligation guilt) that drains and depresses you and takes away your energy and mental focus from your DCs. You don’t need to be preoccupied and hurt by this - you can withdraw and detach and reset your life with for you and your new little family as the priority.

WildFlowerBees · 07/04/2022 08:53

Op my dad is similar and since my lovely mum died it's almost unbearable some days. I finally told him his behaviour was having a negative impact on me that we see life very differently and although he's my dad and I love him from now on I'd be keeping my distance.

It's been 6 weeks I visit maybe once a week and I speak on the phone every couple of weeks. I'm much happier and when we speak now he's not the same doom and gloom constant negative chat. Could you tell your mum you're done with feeling like shit when she's about?

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 07/04/2022 08:59

I hate that I feel so obligated to her. She has M.S but she literally can’t do anything on her own, no bills or paperwork. She won’t hire any help in the garden etc but makes me feel guilty that she has to do it. I can’t as I also suffer with this bloody chronic fatigue and can only do so much. My brother does absolutely nothing and that’s not helpful to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherissues1 · 07/04/2022 09:01

She has loads of money just sat in endless Isas but always says she is poor and cutting down on her grandkids presents. She could live so so well but rather moans about it.

OP posts:
5zeds · 07/04/2022 09:19

If you stop she will fill the gap

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