I’m 9 weeks pregnant and haven’t told my mum, I just don’t really like her, sounds awful I know.

[Motherissues1]

It is a bit of a surprise pregnancy and I’m 39. I have an amazing boyfriend and we are surprised but happy. His parents were happy but I’ve not got the courage to tell my mum.

We are just so very different, she was emotionally non existent growing up and I’ve always hid everything from her. She will not be happy most probably and come up will all sorts of negative things to say. I find her coming really depressing. It’s not he normal thing to say is it. I’ll have to listen to months and months of all the reasons why I’ve made a mistake. How she will be effected and will have to help me.

I don’t know what to do.

I would keep your daughter away from your mother. If your mother is too difficult/toxic/batshit for YOU to deal with it’s the same deal for your child too.

She likes your daughter because she can be easily manipulated and I would also think your mother uses her as a form of narcissistic supply. Your mother is an emotional void of a human and she could very well go onto treat your daughter not too dissimilarly as to how you’ve been treated.

If you were not around your mother she would manage. You owe her nothing, least of all any sort of a relationship here. And please go back into therapy. Find a BACP registered therapist with no familial bias.

@Motherissues1

I must be mad I know. She booked it a couple of years back and our relationship has just deteriorated really.

When she said she isn’t going I said ok it’s your decision. She said I’ll just be negative anyway so I said yes so best not go then.

She will then tell the rest of the family and I’ll be the bad one but hey what can I do. We will have a much better time! I can’t cancel as it’s tomo and my daughter is super excited.

Do you know what, this might just be the first step in breaking free of the F.O.G. (Fear. Obligation. Guilt.) she's had you in! Go on your holiday and tell yourself you need it, focus on your DD's excitmenet and happiness, bond with your DP and push yoru mother to the back of your mind. You'll recharge your batteries and feel like a new woman! I strongly suspect you mother expected you to cancel the holiday altogether so you could keep her misery company! Isn't that a rotten thing to do to anyone, especially your DD? How wicked to be prepared to ruin a child's holiday just to get what you want! Leave her to play "Poor Me" by herself. The only way to win at the games people like this play is to NOT play at all! Have a lovely time OP!

Oh well I haven’t mentioned the holiday but all her things are packed and looks like she is now coming.

@Motherissues1

Oh well I haven’t mentioned the holiday but all her things are packed and looks like she is now coming.

Of course she is🙄 Help yourself. Protect your daughter.

Read @AttilaTheMeerkat excellent advice.

Yeah I’ve just got to learn to not react to her and if she wants to sit and be miserable and complain the whole time she can do by herself because I’ve had enough. Either that or I will have a massive go and look unhinged.

Well I’m over 11 weeks and still haven’t told her. Every time I step in the room with her the will and my sole gets sucked out and the words won’t come out. Was going to the other day. Started off with we are going camping this weekend. She replied with a big sigh I’ve got to clean up as no one will do it for me….as I’ve said many times loads of people will if you pay them and your have endless amounts of money…but nope sighing away with head in hands so that was the end of that.

I wish I knew how to stop it sucking out my sole of if that’s just a case of not going over. I don’t like to see her always so miserable, there really is no need.

It’s just a case of not going over.

Thats who/what she is a soul sucker.

Its not if she will cause you distress it’s when. Imagine she is a hyena or a scorpion - each time, in time she will bite or sting.

It’s your choice to put yourself in the path of the bite / sting.

Can you step back and withdraw to a safe tolerable distance where her antics don’t impact you?

Go less often?

Stay for less time?

Give her zero or vague vanilla info about your lives - so she has nothing to latch on to?

Respond briefly and indifferently with non committal noises to her ramblings with the aim of getting through and getting out?

Start off loading any chores tasks you do for her one by one and ignore and don’t engage in her objections and crying. Rinse and repeat your decision once and then leave or end the call?

You have a new baby coming your family is doubling in size - that’s where your energy time and spirit needs to be - positively - not diverted and drained to her.

They are small steps. Reality is you need deep therapy to learn to heal and detach properly. Your DM will continue to be demanding and take you away from yourself and your baby, your joy and your daughter and your family.

She’s had enough of you and done enough damage. Don’t let her erode you further - your baby, partner and daughter need you to be full, focused, positive and radiant. Switch the FOG for your DM to yourself and your own family. You can’t be in two emotional places at once - you get to choose.

You likely will need professional support to see you through - don’t deny yourself that.

Yeah I know she will never change.
It is sad because she is not intentionally nasty but there is just something not right about her. My dad said really she needed to find out whether she had a learning disability and her way out of it was to be controlling and routined and non-emotional. But you can’t talk to her because she slips into victim mode and can sulk and sulk. I think it’s just the cycle of abuse as she was abused by her father and her mother ran away from her husband but left my mum behind.

I will back away as best I can and just leave it at that she is how she is and so be it.

Accept and adapt - the only way through this.

No doubt she has had her own terrible childhood - that explains her issues but at the same time NEVER excuses her neglect and abuse of you…….and by association enabling a situation which drains you of the time and positive emotional energy that should be directed to your own life.

She was an inadequate parent that left you with life long emotional deficiencies (cPTSD) - she doesn’t get to continue to wound you and derail you from your opportunity for a stable and fulfilling life. Invest in your own therapy so that you can have satisfying and joyful motherhood and life. Don’t let this trickle down inadvertently onto another generation.