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Original poster

I’m 9 weeks pregnant and haven’t told my mum, I just don’t really like her, sounds awful I know.

84 replies

Motherissues1 · 07/04/2022 07:37

It is a bit of a surprise pregnancy and I’m 39. I have an amazing boyfriend and we are surprised but happy. His parents were happy but I’ve not got the courage to tell my mum.

We are just so very different, she was emotionally non existent growing up and I’ve always hid everything from her. She will not be happy most probably and come up will all sorts of negative things to say. I find her coming really depressing. It’s not he normal thing to say is it. I’ll have to listen to months and months of all the reasons why I’ve made a mistake. How she will be effected and will have to help me.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2022 09:24

She uses you as her sounding board and because you are one of the very few people who still bother with her (due to her conditioning you) so stop being this to her. Do you think she feels at all guilty about how she has treated you as her daughter; no not a bit of it. She's never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions.

Your FOG is keeping you trapped and I would concur the comments made re your dad also. He failed to protect you from the excesses of his wife's behaviours out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

Do seek out further therapy re your mother. Its her choice not to seek help and you are still not responsible for her although she wants you to be. Leave her be with her numerous ISAs.

Do you have much if anything of a relationship with your brother these days?. Given how your mother has acted here towards you all from childhood its not surprising that he has removed himself entirely.

It is not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way either. You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/04/2022 09:29

Congratulations on your pregnancy Flowers.

I would also be keeping your children well away from your mother going forward as well. Do not subject them further to such a toxic person.

Cherrysoup · 07/04/2022 10:20

You need some serious boundaries, particularly on how often you see her. If she asks you to do xyz, point out a local handyman who can do it for her. I’d say try not to ask her for childcare, given her attitude. You are deeply mired in the FOG! For your sake and that of your children, you need to pull yourself out of this negative mindset and cut the strings.

Shgytfgtf111 · 07/04/2022 10:49

It sounds callous but I would go no contact with her. Sometimes the people that are supposed to be there for us no matter what are the most dangerous and toxic people you can have in your life. I speak from experience. They are very complicated emotions you will feel about it but it was the very best thing I ever did.

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 07/04/2022 10:54

I have been ok for quite a while but I think this pregnancy has re-triggered some feelings. I had therapy after landing myself in an abusive marriage (no surprise) and we traced it back to my childhood.

I don’t know why I care what she thinks. I know who she is how she will react. I guess the programming to want your parents approval is deep. And I do feel guilty as there is no one else.

OP posts:
REP22 · 07/04/2022 11:07

Hi OP, I am so sorry for the issues your mother is causing you. Maybe it would be an idea to step back from her much more. It sounds like she's causing you so much distress and you don't deserve to be held hostage to her whims and attitude.

You might like to check out this thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/4500497-Cockroach-cafe-Spring-2022?watched=1 - it's a wonderfully supportive and welcoming one, with lots of helpful advice and suggestions for people struggling with challenging older parents.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and every good wish to you. x

billy1966 · 07/04/2022 11:20

How awful that she continues to be nothing but a source of misery.

Your children deserve a happy mum.

Cutting her out of your life would be so good for your child and your new baby.

Do it for them.

Herejustforthisone · 07/04/2022 12:17

What we’re her reasons for being so unbelievably miserable the last time you were pregnant?

Herejustforthisone · 07/04/2022 12:17

Were* stupid AC

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 07/04/2022 12:31

I have no idea @Herejustforthisone she was just silent. She has no outward emotions so she could be feeling anything. There was no mother daughter days out or talking about pregnancy or the baby. No excitement there was just nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherissues1 · 07/04/2022 12:33

Same like when my dad died there was no outward anyway. The only time she was sad was because she accused him of not being nice to her when he was scared and dying effectively. It was really awful to watch her ignore him. I don’t know whether it is intentional or she just doesn’t know herself how to show emotions.

OP posts:
DFOD · 07/04/2022 16:31

@Motherissues1

Same like when my dad died there was no outward anyway. The only time she was sad was because she accused him of not being nice to her when he was scared and dying effectively. It was really awful to watch her ignore him. I don’t know whether it is intentional or she just doesn’t know herself how to show emotions.
Don’t provide any excuses for her behaviour - she is not inert - she has provided plenty of negative opinions - which she has chosen to do
Original poster
Motherissues1 · 08/04/2022 07:30

Ffs we were supposed to go on holiday tomo with my mum. It’s been cancelled for 2 years because of covid. She has now decided the day before she is no longer going because no one wants her around. She isn’t wrong but now she is going to sit at home and we will go and look bad and she the victim. It’s all doing my head in. Just go be happy, talk to people, stop nit picking at everything that goes wrong and fucking enjoy yourself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherissues1 · 08/04/2022 07:33

Honestly I want to leave her behind and don’t want to change her mind. The thought of a week with her miserable face I don’t think I can do it. She absolutely brings out the worst in me. It’s so bloody sad that when she says people dont want me around it’s true. She is like a vampire only with joy.

OP posts:
saggyhairyass · 08/04/2022 07:46

I think you need to see this pregnancy as an opportunity. You have a lovely partner and a little girl with another child on the way. You don't need your mother in your life to bring down all that positivity. My mother is manipulative, but with therapy I realised I owe her nothing. If I continued the way I was going it would have affected my family too. I would seek more therapy, but I would also consider moving further away and going low-contact. Start a new life with the new baby. You owe her nothing, OP. Ignore her trying to guilt you and make you look bad. The only person who thinks you look bad is yourself. Go and have a lovely time without her. Flowers

linerforlife · 08/04/2022 07:55

Wait until you're ready. I was in a similar situation and felt pressured to tell my mum by my sister, and it was the biggest mistake. She made my pregnancy a misery from the moment I told her, with overbearing negative opinions and constant references to miscarriage, then stillbirth, and the impact all this would have on her as I would have to move in with her as we would never cope with a baby... I was 33, engaged to a lovely man, a homeowner, in a well paid senior leadership role, and was very excited about looking after a baby. Why she thought I wouldn't cope is beyond me Grin but it did get inside my head in those vulnerable early days before the 12 week scan. Wait until you're ready. Enjoy your pregnancy OP and your lovely newborn when they arrive - congratulations!

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 08/04/2022 07:56

She has been crying saying you don’t know what it’s like being on your own without dad. But she makes no effort to have friends. We don’t want to be around. And I felt like saying do you know what it was like to have been beaten and scared by your partner and not having a mum or anyone to go.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/04/2022 08:11

OP,

Why are you putting yourself through a relationship with her?

You have so many good things in your life but you insist on allowing her stress you and take your joy.
You don't owe her a relationship with you.
You don't her your peace and happiness.

Please get help as in therapy, you are wasting your life on an awful woman.

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 08/04/2022 08:21

Because there literally is nobody else. What is going to happen if I walk away. She will probably just die.

Someone said you reap what you sow and we just can’t have a relationship because it’s never been there from the beginning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Motherissues1 · 08/04/2022 08:23

I try so hard to try and love my mum but it’s just not there and I feel so bad thinking that.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/04/2022 08:29

So because she is awful and has no one, you have to sacrifice your life, and happiness for hers?

That's not how it works.

What about your child?
Seeing you stressed and unhappy?

Your priority should be your family and your children.

Not this awful woman.

You are making a decision here that you will regret.

You will look back on your childhood and regret your stress and unhappiness.

You are choosing this woman over your own children.

That is very wrong IMO.

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 08/04/2022 08:33

She is actually very good with my daughter and my daughter loves her. I don’t know why that is when she was awful as a mum.

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 08/04/2022 08:42

OP I'm nearly 50 and still can't talk to my parents properly. My husband wants me to talk to my dad about some business things and I just can't do it. Childhood trauma is real and at the end of the day you have to do what you can cope with mentally. So be it if you don't tell her. If she notices you can always say you're waiting until your further along in trimesters before telling everyone, which is perfectly reasonable. 💐

PoshWatchShitShoes · 08/04/2022 08:50

Plenty of people don't have mothers. I don't, she died when I was younger.

You don't need yours. She sounds dreadful and damaging.

Go low contact and if she says something you don't like, walk out.

Original poster
Motherissues1 · 08/04/2022 09:37

I need to detach and stop letting it get me drawn in. Now I feel like a twat for arguing and telling her people would want to spend time if you were less negative. Doesn’t work she just cries then I look bad. She doesn’t see she is the problem.

OP posts: