I’m 9 weeks pregnant and haven’t told my mum, I just don’t really like her, sounds awful I know.

[Motherissues1]

It is a bit of a surprise pregnancy and I’m 39. I have an amazing boyfriend and we are surprised but happy. His parents were happy but I’ve not got the courage to tell my mum.

We are just so very different, she was emotionally non existent growing up and I’ve always hid everything from her. She will not be happy most probably and come up will all sorts of negative things to say. I find her coming really depressing. It’s not he normal thing to say is it. I’ll have to listen to months and months of all the reasons why I’ve made a mistake. How she will be effected and will have to help me.

I don’t know what to do.

@Motherissues1

Ffs we were supposed to go on holiday tomo with my mum. It’s been cancelled for 2 years because of covid. She has now decided the day before she is no longer going because no one wants her around. She isn’t wrong but now she is going to sit at home and we will go and look bad and she the victim. It’s all doing my head in. Just go be happy, talk to people, stop nit picking at everything that goes wrong and fucking enjoy yourself.

Do something different today.

Don’t engage in her emotionally manipulative theatrics.

She is yanking your chain.

Drop the rope.

Don’t answer any of her calls. Decide you are going on holiday with your daughter - do not beg, plead or appease your DM.

Call her bluff. Accept her decision not to go and carry on regardless.

Every time you engage with your DM you become emotionally triggered and the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol flood your body - your unborn baby doesn’t need this.

Every negative twisted comment or stunt that your DM pulls derails you from your priority of being an attentive, focused, positive, calm happy energetic Mum to your DD and partner because you cannot be in two emotional places at once - and she has dragged you (you have walked into) into her toxic nonsense where you are preoccupied, distracted and drained dealing with her antics and hurt.

She is taking / you are giving her your finite headspace, time, emotional energy and positive spirit - and you have less then for your daughter, partner and yourself.

Your mother has left you with a huge emotional deficit and tied you in draining toxic bonds / manipulation of FOG. You need help to withdraw and detach from this otherwise your own children will be impacted by this.

Try to detach emotionally in your head. Withdraw calmly from her life and positivity focus on your own life where she has very little impact on your mood day to day.

You had booked to go away with her for a week???

You need more therapy. Seriously.

And step back for your family's sake.

I must be mad I know. She booked it a couple of years back and our relationship has just deteriorated really.

When she said she isn’t going I said ok it’s your decision. She said I’ll just be negative anyway so I said yes so best not go then.

She will then tell the rest of the family and I’ll be the bad one but hey what can I do. We will have a much better time! I can’t cancel as it’s tomo and my daughter is super excited.

Apparently she has been thinking about not going for a while and letting me and my partner and daughter go and enjoy ourselves. Balls that’s why she says it crying saying we don’t want her the day before after she packed as we ordered the shopping.

Go without her.
Also read CPTSD: From surviving to thriving

Don't say another word about the holiday to her. Go and enjoy it. You are not responsible for her. She is a grown adult and I totally understand the guilt you feel, I really really do. But so what if she tells the rest of the family things about you? So what if she doesn't have any help? She has made this life for herself. You need to make your own life for yourself, don't spend it miserable because of her. Sending love.

Why on earth do you still bother with this woman? She is causing you emotional harm and is clearly not a very nice person. Despite what you think she is not your responsibility amd you are not responsible for her health, happiness or socialisation.

She allowed a boyfriend to beat you? I cannot begin to describe what I would do to any man who tried to hurt my children!!

Please stop expecting her to change. She won’t. You must be the one who changes your response and reaction towards her. Go very low contact. As at the moment you are clearly suffering and angry.

The woman does not bring anything positive to your life - don’t let it define you though otherwise you will end up bitter and angry just like her

It is sad really as her own mum is 91 and not really well. She does nothing for her and says her sister can do it all. So she goes over everyday and has to take the emotional weight of her mum loosing her memories and getting angry. My mum says well if she doesn’t ring me to tell me about mum then I’m not ringing her.

Says the same about my brother if he doesn’t ring me I’m not ringing him. Pathetic

Don’t tell her unless you absolutely have to and then be firm.
I have CF too—- you really, really need to look after yourself and preserve your physical and mental energy. You cannot afford to waste any on her.
I was 16 when I became pregnant, didn’t tell my mother until I was 5 months and bf and I had moved 100 miles away. She insisted on meeting up and went on and on about whose “ fault” it was I was pregnant. I snapped and told her to stop referring to my child as a fault. That shut her up.
If you tell her and she starts the passive aggressive stuff stop her right there—- your bf and you need to be together on this and very firm. You are happy, if she is not then she won’t be involved in her gc’s life.
And rest, relax, and enjoy your surprise pregnant. And congratulations 💐

I empathise. My own mother is awful. I was dreading telling her. She was surprisingly happy but she did have a glass of wine on the go (at 1130am). I didn’t hear from her again for three weeks afterwards. She called me yesterday and I’m so so nauseous and tired (I’m 11 weeks) she didn’t want to know about how I was feeling / offer any sympathy, she just wanted to talk about her own (very, VERY) trivial ‘problems’ I told her I couldn’t talk about her nonsense while I feel so unwell.

My mother also makes me feel depressed and I hate being around her. I visit because I love my dad, although he is far from perfect, he does show love in his own way. My parents have also given me PTDS.

Despite all of this, I’m very happy. Have an incredible DH and in laws (and sister and bro in law) and lovely life and I know I’m going to be an amazing mother and I’m sure you will too 😊 congratulations on your wonderful news.

It feels a lot like karma. As a child I was alone and scared. Now as an adult I see my mum is alone. She expects us and so does society to take care of her in her older age but both her children don’t want to.

Lucky my dad left enough money to pay for anything she needs doing. Not that she will use any of it for help.

Congratulations on your happy news!

Nothing you're thinking is wrong or bad, you actualy sound very logical, how else would you feel about her without employing massive amounts of denial and fantasy? Think of it like this: if you were your mum and you had a brief moment of genuine concern and love you would probably want your children to keep away from you knowing that all you could offer them was more pain and anguish. And knowing that you couldn't appreciate the relationship with them.

Being a biological parent says nothing about your ability to parent psychologically and as a society we go to great lengths to pretend this is not the case; 'she's your mum!!' and so on. It's damaging because it needlessly forces people into lifelong relatiosnhips with people who wish them nothing but misery, relatiosnhips that are of no beneift to anyone.

Your mum doesn't need you in her life over and above anyone else. You're not the only person who could do what she practically needs but you are one of the few peoeple she can still cause deep emotional harm to, so even more reason that you are not expected to put yourself in harms way.

So she uses your daughter by being nice to her but awful to you.

She shouldn't be around your child.

Stop talking about the holiday.

Go without her.

Help yourself because it is reading as if you are consumed by what people think of you, instead of doing what you need to do.

Back away from her.
You owe her nothing.

Good luck.

No one will think bad of you.

They all likely know what she is like.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation or have any need to defend any of your decisions in life - I doubt anyone has ever asked you anything or you them - you only feel obligated because your undeserving manipulative mother has trained you to think that way.

She has caused, you, your MH, your DD and your motherhood enough damage. Take yourselves out of her toxic orbit and enjoy your lives - I suspect you are the last man standing and everyone else in her life has swerved her to emotionally protect themselves. You need to do the same.

This current mindset will inadvertently be hurting your current daughter and the new baby as they will pick up, absorb and internalise your sadness, distress and resentment. They will be confused about these negative feelings and have their own distress which will come through in their own anxieties and behaviour

Omg as if OP doesn’t have enough to worry about?? Please, OP, look after yourself but there’s no need to take on the level of guilt this poster is suggesting. Baby will not develop life long dreadful MH problems just because you don’t get on with your mum. Thinking that will just make you resent your mum even more, hugely unhelpful.

I went through the most utterly awful family trauma for the entirety of my pregnancy with DD and the first year or two after she was born. She’s neither anxious, nor confused, nor negative, nor distressed. She’s a perfectly well adjusted and happy child who openly talks about her feelings and those of others.

How much do you lean on your mum, what impact does CFS have on your life that you need her to help with? Perhaps it’s worth thinking about how you’ll manage that before you talk to her. I’m not sure it’s right to be feeling the way you do but still accept help when you need it? It sounds like you resent her and blame her for needing it, and she resents having to help you?

I’ve only had cfs for a few years, I still work etc.

The problem is she is an eternal nit picker. Eg I I used the wrong brush to clean up the floor, I don’t sit in the chair the way she likes, I didn’t pack the computer away the way she wanted, I dont do up my daughters cardigan properly, next door have put there bbq next to the joint wall now I can never sit outside or open my patio, I don’t like that they sit out in the evening laughing etc etc all day long it never stops and after a while it gets too much.

This is actually an ideal opportunity to take ownership of the situation. Bull by the horns.

She’s never going to be the mum you want or need and nothing you do will make any difference. That’s the Malian important thing to understand. You can’t fix her or somehow be better to make her happy.

She is refusing to help herself. That isn’t your problem. Stop pandering to her. She doesn’t want to hire help ? Fine she will have to suffer then. It’s her choice.

Stop putting up with behaviour that’s unacceptable. If you mum becomes negative stop her and tell her you don’t want to hear it. If she continues - leave.

Start establishing boundaries and then keep on going.

Sometimes I feel such an idiot crying over my mum. I imagine my life would have been so different if I didn’t lie and hide about everything. If I had someone to tell about my partner hurting me. I probably wouldn’t have chosen him if she wasn’t the same. I do have a lot of hate for her. She messed up my life to this point really.

Oh my goodness this could almost be my relationship with my mother!!
I love her dearly (after much fantastic therapy!!) but by gos she sucks the joy out of everything.
She now lives in another country, to my relief. But I'm still beholden to thrive weekly conversations and when she needs me I'm the one to abandon my own family to be there for her.
My brother has washed his hands of her and hasn't seen her in years but makes a once a week call to her and can do no wrong.
I've just spent three weeks with her cos she had a double cateract operation just to put the drops in her eyes.
We went out a few times for lunch with her friends (F knows how she has any) and every time she came home and commented on how X was always complaining and Y is so miserable!!!!
It beggars belief!!
I understand only too well how you revert to a trembling child in the face of their rages.
My dad also died and I felt I couldn't even grieve with her. Never saw her shed a tear, have never felt comfortable even mentioning him in her company.
Like you, perversely, she has a great relationship with my DDs.
Actually was talking to her earlier and told her about DD1 (21) having another tattoo (all very tasteful, not my ideal but she's an adult about to graduate) and all I got was sighs and disapproval.
In fact she's most disappointed DD isn't applying to civil service instead following her dreams in a more creative stream, writing and photography. She won't convey that to DD but puts it onto me as another disappointment.
She lives a wonderfully privileged life but can never look at the wonders of it. Always looking for the negatives.
I'd love to stand up to her but given past experiences it'd be me that comes out worse. So I don't waste my energy.

Like you, if I didn't bother I don't think many others would.
Others suggesting you put your foot down don't understand after a life time of playing a role you don't suddenly stand up and roar. If only!!

Don’t tell her if you don’t want to. I told my mum at 17 weeks, didn’t want her to comment or tell relatives. It helped that we lived in different cities but still…

@SonicBroom

This current mindset will inadvertently be hurting your current daughter and the new baby as they will pick up, absorb and internalise your sadness, distress and resentment. They will be confused about these negative feelings and have their own distress which will come through in their own anxieties and behaviour

Omg as if OP doesn’t have enough to worry about?? Please, OP, look after yourself but there’s no need to take on the level of guilt this poster is suggesting. Baby will not develop life long dreadful MH problems just because you don’t get on with your mum. Thinking that will just make you resent your mum even more, hugely unhelpful.

I went through the most utterly awful family trauma for the entirety of my pregnancy with DD and the first year or two after she was born. She’s neither anxious, nor confused, nor negative, nor distressed. She’s a perfectly well adjusted and happy child who openly talks about her feelings and those of others.

How much do you lean on your mum, what impact does CFS have on your life that you need her to help with? Perhaps it’s worth thinking about how you’ll manage that before you talk to her. I’m not sure it’s right to be feeling the way you do but still accept help when you need it? It sounds like you resent her and blame her for needing it, and she resents having to help you?

I understand that it is difficult to hear - and I am sorry that this triggered you personally but well established neuroscience based on attachment studies and affect regulation evidence that maternal distress has a negative impact on the emotional development and well-being of the child even in-utero…..the nature, intensity, frequency and duration of that distress determines the outcome - the OP herself is evidence of this into adulthood at one end of the spectrum.

My aim was not to guilt the OP and if that is what happened I apologise - but it was to draw her attention to the likely impact of her own enduring cPTSD on her own children.

IMHO she needs support to address her cPTSD and the insight, permission and encouragement to reduce any exposure to her triggers and source of her trauma which will filter down to her own children.

Neuroscience also shows that the inherent plasticity of the brain allows for the opportunity for any damage done to be reversed within subsequent positive calm long term nurturing relationships including therapy.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

You are not an idiot. You were failed by your mum and this takes years to process.

The good news is that help is available and you're already partway there. You're aware of what you need to do--let go of the Fear, Guilt and Obligation, and get sustained help in doing that. it takes time, be patient with yourself, but treat it as an important project, because you ARE important and you and your children deserve a happy life.

It's very sad that your mum is alone. And it's natural for you to feel sad about that. But you don't have to be responsible for making her feel better or be less alone, and as a matter of fact you already know you can't make her feel better ... you can't change her.

Step by step, OP. Reach out for help from those who can give it.

Sweetheart good luck on your pregnancy xx don't tell her.. I had a mother who was a narcissistic... The best thing I ever done was to cut her off.. Block her number and and enjoy the rest of your life

Tell her.

If she is mean, say: if you are not pleased for us, then leave now. If you want to see us ever again, don’t be such a bitch.

@Motherissues1

My mum gave me complex ptsd and she has inevitably had to help me with the health issues this gave me as a teenager and young adult. I suffer chronic fatigue. I grew up terrified of her yet eager to please her. She was a horrible mum but has mellowed a bit in her age but she is still very similar in some ways but not so aggressive.

It took me a long time to realise she was the cause of my issues. I had such a sad childhood. I think this has triggered me a little. She is my mum and I expect her to be loving and supportive but I know she will be thinking of herself.

I'm so sorry OP and sad to say, you're not alone. So many women grow up to realise that there is something not right about the way their mothers treat them and your mother sounds quite extreme. I'm sad to say she is unlikely to change and no, it's not normal but it's her who is the problem, not you. We're all born bonded to our mums, they are our "first loves" and as children we long to please them. Therefore when a woman realises her mother makes her feel bad, most or even all of the time, and wants to avoid her, that is because the mother didn't treat the daughter right when she was growing up and continues not to. It's not your doing nor your fault, so you can't change it. You need to look after yourself now OP but if she cops on before you're ready to tell her, hold your head up and state that you and your DP are happy about it "and that's ALL that matters!" Act cool and firm, even if you don't feel it- fake it 'til you make it! Tell her you will not listen to negativity. Ask your DP to back you up and prepare to distance yourself from her. She's unlikely to ever be the mum you would like her to be and that's a hard thing to accept, I know, but it's the sad truth. @DFOD has given you good advice too OP. Please take it seriously! She might be unwell but you have to put your own DD and your unborn child first now, which also means putting yourself first as they need you to even survive and need you to be well, content and at peace if they are to thrive. Remember this when she tries to guilt-trip you and it will make it that bit easier to refuse to be manipulated! It'll reduce the guilt, which is "false" guilt , by which I mean guilt felt by a person who is not the wrong-doer, but has been projected onto them, or has been trained into them throughout childhood by an abusive parent by punishing them or making them feel bad for saying "No", setting boundaries or even having needs at all. Please get a copy of "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and again, be kind to yourself and remember it's not your fault. I'm so sorry!