My god-daughter has bullied my daughter. Unsure how to proceed.

[fucksforcefive]

My DD and my god-daughter have until recently been really close friends. My GD's mum is an old friend who I love to bits and we have both supported one another through the breakup of marriages and LTRs and been on holiday together etc. We are respective god daughters to our DDs.

For about five years the girls were inseparable: regular sleepovers, days out together, really close. My DD is 11, hers is 12. My DD adores hers.

About 3 months ago her DD (the god-daughter), who is a year older than mine, suddenly started being really horrible to my DD. The context is that she has started secondary school and is approaching puberty etc. For totally understandable reasons, I think she wanted to branch out and put some distance between herself and my DD. My DD idolises her and I think has been a bit slow to pick up on this and to take hints that the older girl needed more space etc. All fine and, while sad, understandable and part of the natural order of things.

However in more recent times, the GD has started sending my DD really horrible WhatsApp messages, basically bullying and belittling her, trying to create hostility with other mutual friends etc. Quite shockingly horrible stuff and way beyond normal teasing. Although my DD blocked her for a while, she has unblocked her recently and its restarted again (lower level stuff but still snide, mean and unpleasant).

My DD has been extremely upset by this. I'm also quite upset as I feel the mum (my friend) hasn't done enough to deal with this. I realise the girls need some distance and accept that but I feel the mum wasn't proactive enough. Her attitude throughout has been "I can't get involved". While I accept that she can't force her DD to want to be friends with mine and that her loyalties are ultimately with her child, I feel she should have tackled the cyber-bullying more proactively and I think she owed it to my DD (as her god-daughter) to contact her and find out how she was after it happened, rather than simply washing her hands of it.

We're now in this weird impasse where we (the adults) have very civilly accepted that our daughters need some space from one another and we have made plans to meet up. No cross words have been spoken although I'm privately still quite upset and pissed off about it. Our friendship will be OK over time but I feel quite reticent about meeting up with her at the moment, there's a huge elephant in the room and I don't know how to talk about it with her.

But the big question is how I support her daughter as a godparent in the aftermath of this. I feel a sense of responsibility to her but its difficult to prosecute this if our daughters can't get together and I'm also struggling quite a lot with anger about what she did to my DD.

I don't want to just drop her - my own godparent did this and basically forgot he was my godparent and it was shit -- it still hurts now and I'm in my 50s. But its difficult without direct contact, which is near-impossible at the moment because we can't see the other family with the girls. And I also don't feel I can be a godparent without noting that she was extremely unkind to my child and that this sort of behaviour has consequences. It would seem very odd to me to have contact with her and not mention this. But obviously this opens up all sorts of cans of worms, it would be dependent on the approval of her mum and I don't know how to broach this. I wouldn't say something to her without her mum's approval.

I'm probably being precious and it may be that its best left for a few years, but I don't want to end up being a passive, useless godparent through fear of confrontation.

Anyone been through similar and have any advice as to how to handle this?

Get her a book of bible stories?

Or a book from your church about being a teen?

You’re her godmother you did your bit when you showed up to her christening. And I’ve honestly never heard of anyone being ‘so hurt’ because their godparent wasn’t involved enough. Mine were involved enough for a photo on my christening day.

So the big question isn’t ‘how to support your goddaughter’ it’s how to support your daughter, who is being cyber (and possibly in person) bullied. She needs support and distance from this girl, I would encourage her to block and work on building her self esteem back up.

And I also don't feel I can be a godparent without noting that she was extremely unkind to my child and that this sort of behaviour has consequences. It would seem very odd to me to have contact with her and not mention this. But obviously this opens up all sorts of cans of worms, it would be dependent on the approval of her mum and I don't know how to broach this. I wouldn't say something to her without her mum's approval.

Also this makes it blatantly clear that this is nothing to do with not wanting to be a ‘passive godparent’ and everything to do with wanting to be able to discipline this child for bullying your child. You can’t. If her mother is allowing her to be a bully that’s a shame but you can only focus on your own daughter.

Dropping her would be a reasonable consequence of her behaviour in my view. I would also be letting my so called friend know that its not acceptable to shrug it off and not stand up for what is morally right in this situation - how would she have reacted if it were another child in her daughters school and the HT was involved. She is expecting your DD and you to put up with it for friendship which clearly doesn't exist int he way that I would have thought it should

Keep the girls friendship and your friendship separate.

Tell your daughter to block hers.

Easy.

But the big question is how I support her daughter as a godparent in the aftermath of this

You don't.

She's bullying your daughter. She has a mother. Your daughter needs you. Please don't maintain any sort of relationship with your child's bully.

@Kanaloa

You’re her godmother you did your bit when you showed up to her christening. And I’ve honestly never heard of anyone being ‘so hurt’ because their godparent wasn’t involved enough. Mine were involved enough for a photo on my christening day.

So the big question isn’t ‘how to support your goddaughter’ it’s how to support your daughter, who is being cyber (and possibly in person) bullied. She needs support and distance from this girl, I would encourage her to block and work on building her self esteem back up.

I genuinely was really hurt by this. My godfather has never contacted me. I ran into him recently at a funeral and introduced myself to him (for the umpteenth time). And he had no idea who I was.

I don't want to be like that.

At 12, her mother absolutely can and should get involved. Things like this can mentally scar a child (yours, I mean).

If that's the mother's attitude I'd say your friendship has run its course.

I hope your daughter can detach and find new friends.

I'd also not pursue to friendship with her mother in these circumstances. I'd be absolutely seething with rage if anyone allowed their child to bully mine and I'd let them know it. 100% cut them off if they were anything other than apologetic. Also think about how horrible it will be for your daughter if the four of you used to all meet up together, and now she sees you heading off to meet them without her because they don't like her anymore??? I know it's only the daughter who doesn't like her but will probably feel to her like it's both and she will feel ganged up on and rejected and excluded. I actually feel irrationally angry as I write this, just imagining how awful it will be for your daughter if you continue a relationship with her bully and her bully's mother who literally doesn't care that she's been bullied. So sad.

@Kanaloa

Also this makes it blatantly clear that this is nothing to do with not wanting to be a ‘passive godparent’ and everything to do with wanting to be able to discipline this child for bullying your child.

If I'm totally honest myself there is an element of this. So thanks, I probably needed to hear this.

I'm quite shocked that the mum has not seen fit to apologise to me or my daughter on her daughter's behalf. We've known each other for well over 20 years and have been through a lot together. I know she may not have been able to control her DD's behaviour in this instance but I feel she owed both of us some sense of responsibility.

I guess at some level I'm still hoping that my DD or I will get an apology either from the GD or the mother but clearly I can't do anything about this.

Right but in the nicest way possible you need to get over it? Most people only have a godmother or godfather for tradition’s sake nowadays, they don’t really have any responsibility and he obviously wasn’t a close family friend if he couldn’t place who you were, so would have been a bit odd for him to show up and take you out for the day.

Regardless, your wish to be a good godmother is irrelevant. Your daughter is being bullied. Just focus on being a mother to her and let your goddaughter’s mother worry about her kid.

@Kanaloa I think it's a bit sad not to expect a bit more than that from godparents. My daughter's have continued to be very involved in her life, taking her our on trips, helping me with childcare when I've been in a fix.

However I do agree in this case that you need to fight your daughter's corner harder even if it is at the expense of your relationship with your goddaughter. In your position I would be telling mum that unless you see an immediate change in your goddaughter's behaviour and she makes a full apology you can't be an active part of her life for the forseeable future. If nothing changes then that would be the end of the relationship with both mum and goddaughter for me.

You cannot continue to have a relationship with someone who is bullying your daughter.

The role of godparent may be important to you but its not a big deal to this bully's mother. She is also not the friend you thought she was either.

Support your daughter and report all such messaging going forward to Whatsapp or any other social media platform. Such should always be reported to them after being screenshotted.

Lovey that your daughter’s godmother has been involved. Still think it’s a bit over the top to be ‘hurt’ as an adult that your godfather didn’t take enough interest in you to the point that you’re worrying how you’ll support your child’s bully.

And honestly I don’t think it’s about that at all, I think it’s about wanting a chance to tell this child off.

Isnt moral education one of the roles of a godparent?

It sounds like you take these roles seriously. So, actually do it. Take her out for lunch or something and start talking to her about growing up and the responsibility that comes with it, including bullying. Warn your friend that you're going to talk to her about bullying in general as her godmother, not as the mother of a child she has bullied.

Well you can’t put your dd’s feelings ahead of your “duties” as a godparent that’s ridiculous (so is your long lasting hurt about your own godfather tbh). Your friend isn’t extending the same level of concern towards your DD!
I think you should just resolve to step back from the godmother role for a couple of years and revisit it when the little madam grows up and stops being a bully. In the mean time keep her away from your dd and help your dd mourn the loss of a friendship.

clearly I can't do anything about this.

Umm, you can. You tell her mother than her daughter has been a spiteful little bully and your disgusted by the things she said to your daughter and if she's going to allow this then you don't wish to maintain a relationship with either of them.

Then you back off and support your daughter, let her know you won't be seeing her horrible bully anymore either and help to distract her and cheer her up.

Forget the goddaughter, sort out your priorities! She has her own mother to support her.

1. Contact the GD’s school with screenshots of the messages and ask them to deal with her cyberbullying. If she’s doing this to your dd she will definitely be doing it to others.

1. Seperate the girls permanently. Don’t invite GD to her birthdays and don’t accept invites to GD’s birthdays. Don’t let them meet up during christmas.

1. Are you Christian? If not then you should drop her. If you are then replace all the cards / money / fun gifts you give her with bibles / bible stories - your local church can even provide free educational material.

Not feelings ahead of I meant it behind! Of course you should be putting your dd’s feeling ahead of your god child

If that was my god daughter bullying my daughter I'd message her directly to ask her why she thinks that's acceptable and telling her to stop.

@Thehundredthnamechange

I'd also not pursue to friendship with her mother in these circumstances. I'd be absolutely seething with rage if anyone allowed their child to bully mine and I'd let them know it. 100% cut them off if they were anything other than apologetic. Also think about how horrible it will be for your daughter if the four of you used to all meet up together, and now she sees you heading off to meet them without her because they don't like her anymore??? I know it's only the daughter who doesn't like her but will probably feel to her like it's both and she will feel ganged up on and rejected and excluded. I actually feel irrationally angry as I write this, just imagining how awful it will be for your daughter if you continue a relationship with her bully and her bully's mother who literally doesn't care that she's been bullied. So sad.

Thanks. This is exactly how I feel but I wasn't sure if I was over-reacting.

We're supposed to be seeing one another (me, the friend and another mutual friend) this week and honestly I'm not sure if I feel ready to go through with it. I wouldn't tell my DD who I was meeting but I might cancel.

It would feel odd going out for a drink and not talking about it but I'm pretty sure the mum would be upset if I brought it up again. But I don't want to just gloss over what's happened.

Are godparents really this important?

Honestly op your loyalty lies with your daughter.

Your goddaughter has a mother. If either of them ask why you've taken a step back, be politely honest.

But sometimes friendships run their course and as a pp said, please don't be friends with your child's bully. Forget she's your goddaughter for a second - if she was just DD's friend and daughter of your friend, would you insist on maintaining a relationship?

You don't have to go out of your way to make a big thing of it but your daughter needs to know you've got her back on this. Your goddaughter will manage perfectly well without you.

Honestly, I'd have a chat with her. Take her out to tea and discuss how her behaviour has impacted on your DD and how cruel she is being. I hate how often people think children being cruel is normal or 'just a phase'. It only is if you don't pull them up really hard on it and make them see things very clearly from the other person's POV.
I'm a hard-nosed cow and had very clear words with every child who bullied my DC and none of them kept it up after the intervention.

I don't know about you, but if I went for a drink (as in an alcoholic drink and not a coffee), I'd make it through about half a glass of wine before I snapped at her and told her what I really thought 😂 so maybe either cancel (but please tell her the truth about why!) Or go through with it and snap at her post-wine. Equally good choices in my opinion!