My god-daughter has bullied my daughter. Unsure how to proceed.

[fucksforcefive]

My DD and my god-daughter have until recently been really close friends. My GD's mum is an old friend who I love to bits and we have both supported one another through the breakup of marriages and LTRs and been on holiday together etc. We are respective god daughters to our DDs.

For about five years the girls were inseparable: regular sleepovers, days out together, really close. My DD is 11, hers is 12. My DD adores hers.

About 3 months ago her DD (the god-daughter), who is a year older than mine, suddenly started being really horrible to my DD. The context is that she has started secondary school and is approaching puberty etc. For totally understandable reasons, I think she wanted to branch out and put some distance between herself and my DD. My DD idolises her and I think has been a bit slow to pick up on this and to take hints that the older girl needed more space etc. All fine and, while sad, understandable and part of the natural order of things.

However in more recent times, the GD has started sending my DD really horrible WhatsApp messages, basically bullying and belittling her, trying to create hostility with other mutual friends etc. Quite shockingly horrible stuff and way beyond normal teasing. Although my DD blocked her for a while, she has unblocked her recently and its restarted again (lower level stuff but still snide, mean and unpleasant).

My DD has been extremely upset by this. I'm also quite upset as I feel the mum (my friend) hasn't done enough to deal with this. I realise the girls need some distance and accept that but I feel the mum wasn't proactive enough. Her attitude throughout has been "I can't get involved". While I accept that she can't force her DD to want to be friends with mine and that her loyalties are ultimately with her child, I feel she should have tackled the cyber-bullying more proactively and I think she owed it to my DD (as her god-daughter) to contact her and find out how she was after it happened, rather than simply washing her hands of it.

We're now in this weird impasse where we (the adults) have very civilly accepted that our daughters need some space from one another and we have made plans to meet up. No cross words have been spoken although I'm privately still quite upset and pissed off about it. Our friendship will be OK over time but I feel quite reticent about meeting up with her at the moment, there's a huge elephant in the room and I don't know how to talk about it with her.

But the big question is how I support her daughter as a godparent in the aftermath of this. I feel a sense of responsibility to her but its difficult to prosecute this if our daughters can't get together and I'm also struggling quite a lot with anger about what she did to my DD.

I don't want to just drop her - my own godparent did this and basically forgot he was my godparent and it was shit -- it still hurts now and I'm in my 50s. But its difficult without direct contact, which is near-impossible at the moment because we can't see the other family with the girls. And I also don't feel I can be a godparent without noting that she was extremely unkind to my child and that this sort of behaviour has consequences. It would seem very odd to me to have contact with her and not mention this. But obviously this opens up all sorts of cans of worms, it would be dependent on the approval of her mum and I don't know how to broach this. I wouldn't say something to her without her mum's approval.

I'm probably being precious and it may be that its best left for a few years, but I don't want to end up being a passive, useless godparent through fear of confrontation.

Anyone been through similar and have any advice as to how to handle this?

I don't think I'd be able to maintain a friendship with the mother.

And your Daughter is your priority.

"I guess at some level I'm still hoping that my DD or I will get an apology either from the GD or the mother but clearly I can't do anything about this".

Such people do not apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. I am sadly not surprised you've received neither and you are unlikely to.

The minimum age to use Whatsapp now is 16.

Drop her like a hot brick. You owe nothing to a child who is bullying your child, and your child has the right to expect that your concern is for her only.

I wouldn't be meeting the mother either, due to her "not getting involved" stance.

Your allegiance is to your daughter, not to the godchild that is picking on her. Don't make it so your daughter grows up remembering you being there for her bully when she needed you to help her by putting distance between yourself and the girl who is really upsetting your daughter and her other relationships at a really critical age

Thanks all. I think you're all right. I'm really quite pissed off at the mother who I think has done a pretty shit job of managing this and I would find it really hard just to make nice with her after this.

@Thehundredthnamechange you're right. It would be very difficult not to have a go at her.

Maybe I need to politely let her know I don't feel able to be friends with her after this.

????The fact she is your GD makes her attacks on DC EVEN MORE offensive.

Your first responsibility is to your daughter. Not the GD, not her mother.

Show your daughter how to stop the bully GD in her tracks. Block their messages. Don't see them socially. Tell their mother. Walk away.

I'd block her on your dd's WhatsApp if she feels unable to do it herself. That's an easy win.

And then yes, focus on your daughter. Doing some moral education with your goddaughter might be ideal but I'd prioritise your daughter's wellbeing.

I'd hit the roof quite honestly.

Do you think you could invite the mother and her daughter around so you can talk this through?

@2bazookas

????The fact she is your GD makes her attacks on DC EVEN MORE offensive.

Your first responsibility is to your daughter. Not the GD, not her mother.

Show your daughter how to stop the bully GD in her tracks. Block their messages. Don't see them socially. Tell their mother. Walk away.

She was blocked (by my DD) but my DD, for reasons best known to herself, unblocked her a week or so ago. I recommended she not do this but she did.

Then yesterday the GD sent a video message which was low level nasty (her and another girl making, lots of silly giggling and nasty comments about chavs, not explicitly aimed at my DD but clearly with her in mind) and then covered her arse by saying "Oops, sorry I meant to send that to a friend."

I have been debating internally whether to message the mum about it. I thought against it until now but wondering if I should do.

@RaspberryChouxBuns

I'd hit the roof quite honestly.

Do you think you could invite the mother and her daughter around so you can talk this through?

I've thought about this as well.

My worry with this is that I don't want to create false hope for my DD. The reality is that the friendship has probably run its course. If they come over and we talk about it and even if an apology is forthcoming, the GD still probably won't want to go back to the way things were and my DD is likely to get upset all over again.

I have been debating internally whether to message the mum about it. I thought against it until now but wondering if I should do.

Forward the video. Tell your friend it's gone too far and it needs to be stopped now before the relationship becomes irreparable

I would leave the god mother role out of it for the time being as you can really only support the parent in whatever they choose to do (which is nothing) and your primary responsibility is to your child. Nurturing a relationship with her bully would be so wrong for your daughter.

I would meet up with your friend she conversationally say exactly how the shocking messages are continuing to affect your daughter and gently say that if it was the other way around, you would never stand back as another child bullied your goddaughter because everyone has the right to protection from abuse. And then not react to any negative responses because you can't say more than that without it driving a wedge between you.

and

Forward the video so she can see it for her own eyes. And then say you can't in all good conscious still be her Godparent.

It seems like you take the role of godparent seriously. If your goddaughter was baptised, you promised at her christening on her behalf to "turn away from all things that are against God – the wrong in our own lives and to stand against the wrong in the world". I am not religious, but I think being a secular godparent involves watching over someone's moral and personal growth. It means more than just giving a few presents.

You could take your goddaughter out for a treat, just the two of you and talk to her seriously and kindly about what sort of person she wants to be, about how she wants to be treated herself, and about taking responsibility for her own actions. Tell her how much you love her, what a great person she can be, and try to make her think and develop.

I would tell her mother after the fact exactly what you discussed with the girl. It may mean the end of your friendship, but it might also be something the girl remembers and learns from, perhaps not right away, but down the line somewhere.

Forward the message and simply state “this stops today, you may not want to get involved but I expect at the very least for you to make sure no more messages are sent (at all friendly, mean or otherwise)”
I’d wash my hands of the friendship after this

There is no way I would continue a friendship with someone who felt this was an acceptable way to treat my DD. This isn't about her dd not wanting to be friends or create distance with yours, this is her actively seeking her out to cause her pain and her mother not doing anything about it.

Please think about the message you are sending your DD if you continue to be friends with her. You are effectively also condoning her daughters behaviour of yours

My godchildren are important to me but I would cut them off for this. In fact one of them was mean to my DD last week (much younger ages) and had a fiver knocked off her birthday present (I am very petty). Honestly your loyalty is with your DD. I had useless godparents (and picked badly for DD1) but it doesn't generally affect people too much.

I think you're sitting waiting for your friend to understand how awful this was and how upset you are without you having to say anything. Unfortunately that doesn't often happen, not if the person in question feels they can get away with it being swept under the rug. Have some confidence in your own perception of what's happened and don't just go with her setting the tone (I always bloody so this and then feel cross with myself afterwards!). Either decide the friendship is done and act accordingly, or have let her know how you feel. Anything more passive and I think you'll be kicking yourself for years to come - especially in terms of setting an example to your DD in how to stand up for yourself.

Also, your window of opportunity to bring it up is now, when GD has been unblocked and sent another unpleasant message. Don't wait or you'll open yourself up to being accused of raking over past things and being petty.

Has your friend seen these messages ?
I think how I would proceed would depend on this. If she has and she hasn’t addressed the behaviour with her daughter, then I would have it out with her, and possibly the friendship would end.
If she hasn’t then I would show her, and ask her how she would feel if the situation was reversed ?
I have noticed that some children do become much nastier to ones that they can pick on, when they start secondary. I am not excusing her behaviour but it sounds as though she is getting this in school and so is then taking it out on your dd. My nephew was like this with my dc when he was having a tough time at school. This is another reason why I think your friend is being pretty rubbish in not addressing it, as it is hardly the sign of a happy, well adjusted child !

What is wrong with you? Stop stressing about being a good godmother to some little shit who's bullying your child. And stop trying to maintain a friendship with someone who doesn't give a shit about her kid bullying yours. You may have a long history together, but right here and now neither of these two give a shit about your child and are quite happy to hurt her or see her being hurt. Find your backbone and tell them to sort themselves out or get out of your lives.

I’m a godmother to two or maybe three kids (would all be grown now) but I have no idea who they are (I showed up at the church and that was the end of my involvement as a god parent 😯). Can you talk with your friend and have her daughter present? She’s old enough to explain her nasty behaviour and she can have her new friends without being a cow to your daughter.

I’m surprised people take godparenting so seriously. I’m ‘godparent’ to a couple of kids and I’m not religious, I’m not even christened. 😬

@Herejustforthisone

I’m surprised people take godparenting so seriously. I’m ‘godparent’ to a couple of kids and I’m not religious, I’m not even christened. 😬

But you've stood in church and made promises to pray for them and guide them in the faith etc?

I don't think that's something you should do lightly or laugh about, and I'm not Christian