My god-daughter has bullied my daughter. Unsure how to proceed.

[fucksforcefive]

My DD and my god-daughter have until recently been really close friends. My GD's mum is an old friend who I love to bits and we have both supported one another through the breakup of marriages and LTRs and been on holiday together etc. We are respective god daughters to our DDs.

For about five years the girls were inseparable: regular sleepovers, days out together, really close. My DD is 11, hers is 12. My DD adores hers.

About 3 months ago her DD (the god-daughter), who is a year older than mine, suddenly started being really horrible to my DD. The context is that she has started secondary school and is approaching puberty etc. For totally understandable reasons, I think she wanted to branch out and put some distance between herself and my DD. My DD idolises her and I think has been a bit slow to pick up on this and to take hints that the older girl needed more space etc. All fine and, while sad, understandable and part of the natural order of things.

However in more recent times, the GD has started sending my DD really horrible WhatsApp messages, basically bullying and belittling her, trying to create hostility with other mutual friends etc. Quite shockingly horrible stuff and way beyond normal teasing. Although my DD blocked her for a while, she has unblocked her recently and its restarted again (lower level stuff but still snide, mean and unpleasant).

My DD has been extremely upset by this. I'm also quite upset as I feel the mum (my friend) hasn't done enough to deal with this. I realise the girls need some distance and accept that but I feel the mum wasn't proactive enough. Her attitude throughout has been "I can't get involved". While I accept that she can't force her DD to want to be friends with mine and that her loyalties are ultimately with her child, I feel she should have tackled the cyber-bullying more proactively and I think she owed it to my DD (as her god-daughter) to contact her and find out how she was after it happened, rather than simply washing her hands of it.

We're now in this weird impasse where we (the adults) have very civilly accepted that our daughters need some space from one another and we have made plans to meet up. No cross words have been spoken although I'm privately still quite upset and pissed off about it. Our friendship will be OK over time but I feel quite reticent about meeting up with her at the moment, there's a huge elephant in the room and I don't know how to talk about it with her.

But the big question is how I support her daughter as a godparent in the aftermath of this. I feel a sense of responsibility to her but its difficult to prosecute this if our daughters can't get together and I'm also struggling quite a lot with anger about what she did to my DD.

I don't want to just drop her - my own godparent did this and basically forgot he was my godparent and it was shit -- it still hurts now and I'm in my 50s. But its difficult without direct contact, which is near-impossible at the moment because we can't see the other family with the girls. And I also don't feel I can be a godparent without noting that she was extremely unkind to my child and that this sort of behaviour has consequences. It would seem very odd to me to have contact with her and not mention this. But obviously this opens up all sorts of cans of worms, it would be dependent on the approval of her mum and I don't know how to broach this. I wouldn't say something to her without her mum's approval.

I'm probably being precious and it may be that its best left for a few years, but I don't want to end up being a passive, useless godparent through fear of confrontation.

Anyone been through similar and have any advice as to how to handle this?

@Herejustforthisone

I’m surprised people take godparenting so seriously. I’m ‘godparent’ to a couple of kids and I’m not religious, I’m not even christened. 😬

I'm not religious at all and neither of our daughters were christened. I just think its a really important role, particularly (as in our case) with single parents.

@SirVixofVixHall

Has your friend seen these messages ? I think how I would proceed would depend on this. If she has and she hasn’t addressed the behaviour with her daughter, then I would have it out with her, and possibly the friendship would end. If she hasn’t then I would show her, and ask her how she would feel if the situation was reversed ? I have noticed that some children do become much nastier to ones that they can pick on, when they start secondary. I am not excusing her behaviour but it sounds as though she is getting this in school and so is then taking it out on your dd. My nephew was like this with my dc when he was having a tough time at school. This is another reason why I think your friend is being pretty rubbish in not addressing it, as it is hardly the sign of a happy, well adjusted child !

She saw the initial messages a couple of months ago and said she was sorry GD had been mean and that DD was upset but she "can't get involved". That was the extent of it. I thought that was a bit shit but I sort of understood her reasons.

I've just (in the past 10 minutes) forwarded her the most recent video message and said I think it needs tackling and I'm not prepared to put my DD through it any more. She hasn't responded yet.

GD sounds like a little cow. Hopefully she will grow out of it. I would concentrate of your dd, encourage new interests etc, opportunities to make different friends. She'll be the better girl because of this. Your expectations of her mother and your godfather have little to do with it in the end, it's disappointing but in the end they will do what they think is right. If your friend tries to make GD be 'nice' it won't end well. Send a book token at birthday and Christmas if you feel like it.

This woman is not your friend. She’s shown her true colours here. The correct response would have been to be absolutely mortified and to ground her until the end of time. Instead, she’s washed her hands of the whole lot. Your poor DD. She must feel doubly betrayed. I’d cut them both off. Harsh but you protect your own child above anyone else.

Of course you should let your friend know about the latest video!!! I’d send her a message along these lines

“GD sent DD another video yesterday that was far from pleasant and along similar lines to the bullying messages. She has been blocked again and I’ve insisted to DD that this time it is permanent as GD doesn’t seem to understand the consequences of her actions and it’s an opportunity to teach DD how wrong bullying is and about setting healthy boundaries. I won’t come out for drinks this week as I think we need to talk this through and it wouldn’t be fair on Other Friend. Let me know if there’s another time we can talk”

I couldn’t put on an act in front of a friend who continues to bury her head in the sand and allow her daughter to engage in cyber bullying.

@Foolsrule

This woman is not your friend. She’s shown her true colours here. The correct response would have been to be absolutely mortified and to ground her until the end of time. Instead, she’s washed her hands of the whole lot. Your poor DD. She must feel doubly betrayed. I’d cut them both off. Harsh but you protect your own child above anyone else.

Yep. That's kind of what's been going through my head but I wasn't sure if I was over-reacting and being precious. The fact that so many of you think I wasn't is reassuring.

“ I'm not religious at all and neither of our daughters were christened. I just think its a really important role, particularly (as in our case) with single parents.”

So you’re not actually a God parent at all? Just a close friend of her mother’s.

Regardless of the god parent angle - this woman has a daughter whose a bully and she should be dealing with it. Never mind if it’s your daughter or a complete strangers child.

This kind of bullying leads some children to lasting damage into adulthood and in severe cases children taking their lives.

It’s nasty. It’s unneeded and needs nipping in the bud.

If your friend won’t have a word with her daughter about bullying and explain the consequence of bullying - take her phone off her/can’t go out or to activities etc then she isn’t someone I’d continue a relationship with.

Can you take this to you GD school as it’s their pupils involved in cyber bullying. If your friend doesn’t satisfactorily step up I’d take it further elsewhere.

I wouldn’t 100% expect this woman to discuss it with your daughter. But I’d expect her to have a frank and adult conversation with you and accept that she needs to do something about her DDs behaviour in general.

The GC thing - I think you’re issues with your own GP are presenting here. This child may be a little shit for the teen years. But she may grow out of it and be a wonderful adult.

It all depends on how your friend handles yours and hers friendship and the bullying right now.

I take godparenting seriously, my godparents were lovely and I still contact them and have had them to stay at my house and more.

However - I think that if the mother isn't backing you up, then she's not seeing the relationship the same way, and you have to put your DD first. If the other mother is willing to step up and try to sort things out, then I'd hold on with some contact even if the daughter is rude. but if she's not willing to see that what her daughter is doing is really serious, then you're better off letting this friendship lapse, for your daughter's sake.

@WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe

Well you can’t put your dd’s feelings ahead of your “duties” as a godparent that’s ridiculous (so is your long lasting hurt about your own godfather tbh). Your friend isn’t extending the same level of concern towards your DD! I think you should just resolve to step back from the godmother role for a couple of years and revisit it when the little madam grows up and stops being a bully. In the mean time keep her away from your dd and help your dd mourn the loss of a friendship.

This. The girl may grow up, mend her ways and stop being vile to your DD.

In the meantime, you need to step back from the relationship with both mother and daughter and focus on your own DD... building her confidence and teaching her not to accept this shit from so-called "friends". If they do renew their friendship when they're older, hopefully your DD will feel confident enough to call her out on her past behaviour and make it clear she's not putting up with anything this time around.

Me and my dh are godparents to various dc, we’re no longer in touch with any of them, we’ve moved, nobody has kept in touch. Being a godparent, unless you are very religious, is (IMO) no big deal these days. It’s just who you’re friends with at the time.

I think your friend is being shit, she should have blocked your dd’s number from her dd’s phone and punished her properly. She needs to parent properly. It’s a shame, but I think this will permanently wreck your friendship with the mum, but that’s her fault for saying she can’t get involved, which of course she absolutely should have.

@FelicityPike

“ I'm not religious at all and neither of our daughters were christened. I just think its a really important role, particularly (as in our case) with single parents.”

So you’re not actually a God parent at all? Just a close friend of her mother’s.

You don't have to be religious to be a godparent.

I think your friend is being shit, she should have blocked your dd’s number from her dd’s phone and punished her properly. She needs to parent properly. It’s a shame, but I think this will permanently wreck your friendship with the mum, but that’s her fault for saying she can’t get involved, which of course she absolutely should have.

Yep. Sad to say I think you're right.

So you’re not actually her godmother at all? Tbh even if you were I don’t see how that matters. Your daughter is your priority and she’s the victim here. Do not make her feel third best behind both her bully and her bully’s mother.

You don't have to be religious to be a godparent.

To be a godparent you have to have stood up in church when the child was presented for baptism, and promised to be responsible for the child’s religious education.

That’s the very definition.

My dd is a little older. If I found out she was acting like this to anyone child, friend or rival, I would stop it quickly. Cyber bullying can easily escalate and become very toxic both for the bully and the one being bullied. Sadly not all parents are the same.

In this scenario it absolutely is your job to have stepped in to stop the toxicity. You know the child and a simple, girls, let’s be kind to one another at this age can be very effective. And more effective by the sound of it than going to the mum.

You’ve said a lot about your feelings of obligation to her dd. But in this thought process, you’ve completely missed out that your ‘friend’ is not acting like a godmother to your dd in any shape or form.

It’s actually also pretty shit parenting to ignore the bullying and she is doing her dd no favours. She will get her comeuppance if she is acting like this to others. Trust me. A former friend of my dd’s was bloody awful. Dd put up with it. But one child, who wouldn’t got wind of it and it got nasty quickly. This was in year 7. Year 7’s are brutal. And year 7s still need guidance as it’s a transition time full or raging hormones and really the worse time for parents to step back. Starting to do it, yes, have stepped back a lot by yr9, definitely. But the ‘not getting involved’ at all is complete bs.

There was a thread a few months ago with almost the same scenario. It had gone on farther and the mother of the bullied dd had continued to see the ‘friend’ for several months, perhaps longer. Posters pointed out the betrayal her dd must be feeling, the bashing to the girl’s mental health and that the adult friendship needed to end.

If you continue this friendship, it is not putting your mutual dd’s quarrelling aside. It is siding with the bullies. Putting aside the quarrelling would entail both mothers ensuring the children had no contact if either party couldn’t be civil. Anyone who’d been horrible to have been reprimanded, apologised (even if the apology was a false one at that moment - longer term she could reflect) and have had any suitable consequences for bad behaviour.

This is not happening Therefore the friendship cannot continue as this woman is not your friend and does not care about your dd. Unfortunately it happens. I know someone, who cut contact with long term friends as their dds were being very unkind at school and online. The same girls also started on my dd online. First time I was nice and I don’t believe it was dealt with. The second time I gave them the option to end it now or the school would be informed.

Unless she deals with this properly, I would let the school know about the sustained bullying and exactly what was said. This would be a kindness to the girl actually. And fulfilling your role as godparent. She needs boundaries.

Lastly and most importantly, it would be for your dd as this definitely needs resolving before your dd joins the school if she’s going there.

All this fuss about the important of godparents and you’re not even the child’s bloody godmother

Importance, even!

I would cut contact with both of them (and not let the bit about being an absent godparent bother me at all).

@whumpthereitis

You don't have to be religious to be a godparent.

To be a godparent you have to have stood up in church when the child was presented for baptism, and promised to be responsible for the child’s religious education.

That’s the very definition.

It is if you're religious. I'm not religious. My friend invited me to be her DD's godparent and I accepted. She said she wanted me to help her support her daughter and provide, and I quote, "moral guidance".

Just because I'm not a member of your religion it is not for you to tell me that this request and the responsibility that I took from it is invalid.

Anyway this is a side issue.

I'm not religious. My friend invited me to be her DD's godparent and I accepted.

If your boyfriend asks you to marry him you're not his wife.

Unless she deals with this properly, I would let the school know about the sustained bullying and exactly what was said. This would be a kindness to the girl actually. And fulfilling your role as godparent. She needs boundaries.

I would like to do this and in other circumstances I would. This would, however, be pressing the nuclear button on my friendship with the mother. I'm not quite ready to do this yet.

If there's no constructive response to my last message and if it happens again I might do it.

Problem is you only see your daughters side of the story and your friend only sees her daughters side of the story. Right or wrong she might genuinely believe it is your daughter causing the problems.

@Ducksurprise

Problem is you only see your daughters side of the story and your friend only sees her daughters side of the story. Right or wrong she might genuinely believe it is your daughter causing the problems.

I'm pretty sure that's not the case. She's seen the messages and has apologised on behalf of my daughter.

But she puts it down to "hormones" and says her daughter is "trying to establish herself at school" (they're not at the same school).

I think when she says she can't get involved what she means is she can't force her DD to want to be friends with mine. Which I accept. But as far as I can tell she sees the behaviour as just a natural part and parcel of her daughter distancing herself from mine and just all part of life's rich tapestry. She seems not to recognise that its bullying.

She's a good and old friend but she's got form for running away from difficult things. I think she is aware that her DD is going through a difficult time but just doesn't want to confront the fact that she's behaving like a complete bitch.

On behalf of her daughter sorry