My god-daughter has bullied my daughter. Unsure how to proceed.

[fucksforcefive]

My DD and my god-daughter have until recently been really close friends. My GD's mum is an old friend who I love to bits and we have both supported one another through the breakup of marriages and LTRs and been on holiday together etc. We are respective god daughters to our DDs.

For about five years the girls were inseparable: regular sleepovers, days out together, really close. My DD is 11, hers is 12. My DD adores hers.

About 3 months ago her DD (the god-daughter), who is a year older than mine, suddenly started being really horrible to my DD. The context is that she has started secondary school and is approaching puberty etc. For totally understandable reasons, I think she wanted to branch out and put some distance between herself and my DD. My DD idolises her and I think has been a bit slow to pick up on this and to take hints that the older girl needed more space etc. All fine and, while sad, understandable and part of the natural order of things.

However in more recent times, the GD has started sending my DD really horrible WhatsApp messages, basically bullying and belittling her, trying to create hostility with other mutual friends etc. Quite shockingly horrible stuff and way beyond normal teasing. Although my DD blocked her for a while, she has unblocked her recently and its restarted again (lower level stuff but still snide, mean and unpleasant).

My DD has been extremely upset by this. I'm also quite upset as I feel the mum (my friend) hasn't done enough to deal with this. I realise the girls need some distance and accept that but I feel the mum wasn't proactive enough. Her attitude throughout has been "I can't get involved". While I accept that she can't force her DD to want to be friends with mine and that her loyalties are ultimately with her child, I feel she should have tackled the cyber-bullying more proactively and I think she owed it to my DD (as her god-daughter) to contact her and find out how she was after it happened, rather than simply washing her hands of it.

We're now in this weird impasse where we (the adults) have very civilly accepted that our daughters need some space from one another and we have made plans to meet up. No cross words have been spoken although I'm privately still quite upset and pissed off about it. Our friendship will be OK over time but I feel quite reticent about meeting up with her at the moment, there's a huge elephant in the room and I don't know how to talk about it with her.

But the big question is how I support her daughter as a godparent in the aftermath of this. I feel a sense of responsibility to her but its difficult to prosecute this if our daughters can't get together and I'm also struggling quite a lot with anger about what she did to my DD.

I don't want to just drop her - my own godparent did this and basically forgot he was my godparent and it was shit -- it still hurts now and I'm in my 50s. But its difficult without direct contact, which is near-impossible at the moment because we can't see the other family with the girls. And I also don't feel I can be a godparent without noting that she was extremely unkind to my child and that this sort of behaviour has consequences. It would seem very odd to me to have contact with her and not mention this. But obviously this opens up all sorts of cans of worms, it would be dependent on the approval of her mum and I don't know how to broach this. I wouldn't say something to her without her mum's approval.

I'm probably being precious and it may be that its best left for a few years, but I don't want to end up being a passive, useless godparent through fear of confrontation.

Anyone been through similar and have any advice as to how to handle this?

I don’t know why this is an issue, your GD is being a horrible bully, left unchecked he will escalate and dress it up as banter or whatever. Your duty is to your DC not your GD, your friend has made it very clear she couldn’t care less about her GD so why are you stressing about yours?

Your daughter will not understand why you are continuing a relationship with her bully, and to be honest by her mums reaction on being told her daughter is a bully, that apple did not fall far from the tree. I would cut this girl out of your lives and distance myself from your friend. Your focus should be on your daughter, and only on your daughter.

@fucksforcefive

Unless she deals with this properly, I would let the school know about the sustained bullying and exactly what was said. This would be a kindness to the girl actually. And fulfilling your role as godparent. She needs boundaries.

I would like to do this and in other circumstances I would. This would, however, be pressing the nuclear button on my friendship with the mother. I'm not quite ready to do this yet.

If there's no constructive response to my last message and if it happens again I might do it.

I agree it is pushing the nuclear button on your friendship. However she is doing the self same thing by allowing her dd to bully a younger child. And right now, I’m not sure if there is a friendship left.

Ok, maybe another option. Perhaps wait for what she says. If her answer isn’t acceptable, you can say not getting involved is allowing her dd to continue to bully yours and you need it addressing. Your dd is going to the school in September and attending transition days before that. It is paramount this is sorted before then so that she feels safe when there. That if your friend will not address it, you will have no option but to take it to the school. However, you really do not want to do this and would much rather sort this out as mums.

Right now, she isn’t seeing it from your dd’s perspective. She may be very put out at such a message. However what I have said is clear and does not press the nuclear button, rather kicks her up the backside. It may alter your friendship. But she will also see you’re not a pushover.

Unless you do something, this is going to continue.

My god I'd cry with disappointment if my child behaved like hers.

Your one and only priority is your daughter. Right now you care more about some kind of perceived importance of a godparent/godchild relationship. A god parent is responsible for the spiritual upbringing of a child in the event of their parents death, nothing more.

Your child is being bullied, fuck everything else and stand up for her. Put your so called friend and her daughter in their places and if the bullying continues go to the police, end of.

Just because I'm not a member of your religion it is not for you to tell me that this request and the responsibility that I took from it is invalId

I’m an atheist. You’re not, by definition, a godparent. Sorry.

Agreed it is a side issue however, the issue is that you have to prioritize your bullied daughter. Your responsibility to her is far, far greater than any responsibility you have towards her bully.

You're using being a godparent as your reason for not standing by your child. You're not a godparent. Do what's right for your daughter.

You need to be christened to have a God parent.

I would separate your friendship completely from the relationship between your two daughters. Bullying aside, you can't expect them to be friends just because you are. If you meet up then adults only.

My priority in this situation would be to protect my dd - support her and reassure her that she doesn't have to engage with this girl in person or on social media. Just stop all contact between them.

I do think 11 is too young for WhatsApp, but I accept that this is the world we live in. Are they in the same school year?

I mean, as a godparent what do you think you can do? Do you have a close relationship with the gd? Her behaviour shows a total lack of respect for you as well as cruelty to your dd. It may well be her hormones etc but that doesn't make it ok...

If neither girl is baptised then neither you nor your friend are godparents. So now you're absolved of that responsibility you can prioritise your daughter.

I'm sure this exact scenario was posted not long ago.

Ok, maybe another option. Perhaps wait for what she says. If her answer isn’t acceptable, you can say not getting involved is allowing her dd to continue to bully yours and you need it addressing. Your dd is going to the school in September and attending transition days before that. It is paramount this is sorted before then so that she feels safe when there. That if your friend will not address it, you will have no option but to take it to the school. However, you really do not want to do this and would much rather sort this out as mums.

For clarity, they are not going to be at the same school. My DD will go to a different school in September.

I do need to protect my DD and have let the mother know that her DD has crossed a line. Which I have done. And I clearly have a responsibility to my DD to make sure she understands that she shouldn't tolerate this behaviour.

I see the mum has now seen the messages I forwarded and hasn't responded. She may be talking to her DD now. I guess I'll find out soon.

@user1471457751

If neither girl is baptised then neither you nor your friend are godparents. So now you're absolved of that responsibility you can prioritise your daughter.

Well whatever you call it, the clear intention of her mum when inviting me to be a godparent and this was explicitly stated at the time was to provide support and moral guidance.

Whether or not that means I fit the technical definition of godparent is by the by really. There's an expectation that I play some role in providing moral support, mentorship and guidance.

Clearly my daughter is the priority and this has to be a secondary consideration now.

Godparent is a religious role though.

You are not her godparent, you're just a friend of her mums'.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godparent

Fingers crossed she recognises the need to step in op

[quote fairylightsandwaxmelts]Godparent is a religious role though.

You are not her godparent, you're just a friend of her mums'.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godparent[/quote]
whatever, seriously.

It's a side issue.

Definitions matter. You can just say you promised to take an active role in the daughter’s life when she was born, you don’t have to endow the role with an air of religious solemnity. It’s bizarre to do so, especially when religion plays no part in any of your lives and you have no sense of having made any sort of vow before a god you believe in.

As hard as it may be to face the fact that your relationship with your friend and her daughter has changed, you have to accept that fact. This child is now bullying your daughter, and your friend who supposedly is also responsible for your daughter’s wellbeing, is basically shrugging her shoulders and isn’t bothered.

Your daughter needs to be the priority here, and she needs to feel you’re fully on her side. If she looks at you handwringing about your friendship with this woman, and your ‘responsibility’ toward this girl who is going out of her way to target her, she’s likely to feel like shit. She needs to feel she’s your priority, and she needs to see you standing up for her.

whatever, seriously.
It's a side issue.

It's not, though. You're claiming to be something you're not.

You're just her mums' mate - you might have promised to help out as you were both single parents, but the reality is friendships change and you don't owe this girl or her mum anything.

I was close to lots of my mums' friends as a child - I didn't go around calling them my godparents and I'm not remotely crushed that we're not close now I'm an adult.

You're way overthinking this. You're friends with her mum and your daughters have grown apart - it's normal. Just keep the friendship going if you want and forget the rest. No need for all the "but I'm her godparent!" drama.

I have a similar set up and I know my best friend and I would do more to sort this out. We will naturally defend our own daughters, I’d have a heart to heart with your friend.

The person saying showing up at a christening is all you need to do to be a god-parent, glad I didn’t choose someone like you!

I would have said get school involved if they’d gone to the same one.
I would keep screen shots of all messages, keep all videos and even approach the police if they’re harassing or intimidating.
Make sure your daughter keeps squeaky clean message wise. Try to make sure she doesn’t respond at all.

@Darbs76

I have a similar set up and I know my best friend and I would do more to sort this out. We will naturally defend our own daughters, I’d have a heart to heart with your friend.

The person saying showing up at a christening is all you need to do to be a god-parent, glad I didn’t choose someone like you!

I didn’t say it was all you needed to do. I was merely making the point that being ‘hurt’ as an adult that your godfather didn’t take enough interest is silly, and your big issue with your child being bullied is you don’t know how you’ll support your goddaughter (who isn’t even your goddaughter) is ridiculous.

Why do people on here always need to diminish other peoples feelings a and ways of doing things?

If someone says they're hurt, telling them that they're silly won't change that. Why the need to sneer?

If someone stood up in a church and the vicar accepted them as a godparent , that's what they are.

And if they've done their best by the child then that's a good thing too.

@Nanny0gg

Why do people on here always need to diminish other peoples feelings a and ways of doing things?

If someone says they're hurt, telling them that they're silly won't change that. Why the need to sneer?

If someone stood up in a church and the vicar accepted them as a godparent , that's what they are.

And if they've done their best by the child then that's a good thing too.

She hasn't stood up in church. She's not a godparent.

She used that as her excuse not to stand up for her daughter.

She said her friend asked her to provide moral guidance to her friends DD. She's not doing that either.

So the wording she used for her excuse would mean she had a moral obligation to resolve this for both girls sakes and she won't.

@Nanny0gg

Why do people on here always need to diminish other peoples feelings a and ways of doing things?

If someone says they're hurt, telling them that they're silly won't change that. Why the need to sneer?

If someone stood up in a church and the vicar accepted them as a godparent , that's what they are.

And if they've done their best by the child then that's a good thing too.

Well yes, if someone had stood up in a church and been accepted as godparent that WOULD make them a godparent.

Let’s me honest here, this isn’t about op feeling desperately that she isn’t fulfilling the role of godparent - it’s about her wanting to be able to scold this child. Utterly understandable, but be honest about it instead of bleating about how hurt you are as an adult (who isn’t even religious) that your godfather doesn’t take an interest. What interest would he take? Presumably not guiding the op in her religious education as she isn’t even religious. And as for this girl, I wouldn’t be hand wringing over my pretend goddaughter and how I could support her when she was (quite brutally) bullying my actual child.

It simply isn't good enough for her to 'keep out of it' as if this were two of her friends disagreeing. Her daughter is behaving in a immoral and potentially illegal way by cyber bullying. It is her job to discipline her daughter.
As for telling the school- why?? Your daughter doesn't even go to the school. I despair that people expect schools to do basic parenting when the mother won't even tell her own daughter off for something she's doing outside of school to a girl at another school.