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Original poster

I don't want to have a baby with my messy partner

81 replies

CLola24 · 06/04/2022 11:30

Hi all,

I have been with my partner almost four years. We are engaged and have bought a house together. We both work full time. At the moment I work from home but I used to work shifts in the emergency services. Since we have been together my partner has had three jobs and some substantial periods of unemployment.

The argument we always come back to is regarding mess and housework. I am the one who cooks, tidies and cleans. I also carry all of the emotional labour, it is me who meal plans, does the food shopping, thinks of family birthdays, vet appointments etc.

His excuse is that he is tired which completely overlooks how knackered I was when I was working shifts and 60 hours a week and still doing all the work.

He has always wanted kids. I came round to the idea of it and have worked to make this more feasible, for example getting a job which wears me out less and buying a house with an extra room.

It got to the point last month where I told him things were getting so bad I didn't want to live in our house anymore. I said I was tired of having the same row again and again with nothing changing and that I have was feeling like it's my job to clean clean the house and his to live in it. I told him that I cannot accept our vision of sharing a future together any longer as a baby would just add to the mess and my burden. I cannot trust him to help me.

I feel like I have tried everything to get through and whatever approach I take he seems to think I am just being cruel and trying to get one up on him. I feel as though it's got to the point now where it has eroded what we have to the point that I feel so disrespected and wonder if I'm even in love anymore. I cannot help but feel as though he is deliberately pushing me away because he's too much of a coward to finish things but he assures me he loves me and I do believe him, but that just leaves me feeling as though his all isn't good enough for me.

I don't know what I am hoping for. I feel as though I am begging and begging for him to change his ways so that I can fulfil for him what he has always wanted, a child. I could probably overlook his mess otherwise.

Has anyone else been in this situation before? How did you solve this problem? I don't think I'm asking for a miracle.

Thank you

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 06/04/2022 11:33

You either put up with his untidiness and begin to resent it (do all chores yourself); you compromise (accept that he’s just not a house proud person and it’s part of who he is, and get a cleaner); or you decide it’s a dealbreaker and you end the relationship because it’s a fundamental incompatibility.

Just don’t be one of those women who comes back again to post in a couple of years’ time but this time with two babies by this man, complaining that he’s still a lazy partner and is also a pretty lazy father, but you thought he’d suddenly have a personality change and become totally different when you got pregnant.

OutingHobby · 06/04/2022 11:34

Do not marry him until you've sorted this out. Do you want to stay with him? You've already made career moves and house moves with a baby in mind but that doesn't mean you have to have onem

OutingHobby · 06/04/2022 11:34

And yes. He isn't going to suddenly change so I think you either have to accept how he is or move on

gamerchick · 06/04/2022 11:38

He isn't going to change, they never do. You're being sensible not having babies with him because you're right. Your workload will increase.

Indoorcamping · 06/04/2022 11:40

Don't marry him, don't have a child with him.

Of course he wants kids, he's only planning on doing the fun stuff with them. To be honest you don't really seem sold on the idea of children yourself. Don't have them for someone else.

You might love him but love isn't always enough.

jay55 · 06/04/2022 11:41

There are countless threads on here of shit men who don't pull their weight. And of men who did until maternity leave and then stopped and didn't restart after the woman returned to work.

Very few change.

Your vision of the future is correct. He'll keep on treating you like his unpaid housekeeper and secretary, and childcare will be added to your list of chores, and costs.

And your kids will perpetuate the cycle as they grow up in a home where men are waited on and women do everything.

inmyslippers · 06/04/2022 11:42

He isn't going to change if anything he'll get worse.

girlmom21 · 06/04/2022 11:51

If you have a baby you're going to do everything you're already doing plus the majority of the childcare.

gannett · 06/04/2022 12:01

I feel as though I am begging and begging for him to change his ways so that I can fulfil for him what he has always wanted, a child.

Your life is too short for all this begging and fulfilling.

He's not going to change, so the begging is a waste of your energy. You don't need to fulfil what he's always wanted. If he wants something, he can take the necessary steps to fulfil it himself (in this case, it's becoming more tidy). You should focus on fulfilling what you want out of life - with or without him.

muppamup · 06/04/2022 12:03

things won't change. do not have a child with this man. If things are bad now they will be 10 times worse when you have a kid.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 06/04/2022 12:05

It doesn't matter to him.

Split up, sell the house, start again.

HellToTheNope · 06/04/2022 12:08

You were foolish to buy a house with him, but you'd have to be insane to have a baby with this man. Who you see is what you get, because he's not changing. He's a scruffy man child who has zero respect for you.

Get rid of him and find a real adult to have a family with.

Zilla1 · 06/04/2022 12:20

Ask him if having children generally increases the amount of work, both for child care and housework then if he is too tired to do the minimum now then because he wants children will he miraculously do more? And if he decides not to, who will do the things than cannot be left?

BoodleBug51 · 06/04/2022 12:21

Life's too short to spend it simmering with resentment.

boronia · 06/04/2022 12:22

I'm so sorry.
He won't change, he won't step up.
You do everything now, add a baby into the situation and it will be even harder.
Do not have a baby with this man.
Think very hard about whether you want to still keep doing everything even without children.
I wouldn't.

HiCandles · 06/04/2022 12:25

Your situation is the precursor of the hundreds of threads on here where the partner does nothing and sees it all as wife work. So many woman wondering how they got into this mess and why their lazy partner won't pull their weight.
Take the opportunity now whilst you can and move on. I promise you not all men are like this. You can do better- don't be the one posting in a few years complaining about the deadbeat. He won't change- why would he when he's got it so good. We'd all love to sit down and have a housekeeper, cook and cleaner do everything!

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 06/04/2022 12:26

You’re on the road to divorce before you’ve even married.
Read this MN thread to see your future laid out before you:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4523026-To-think-relationships-a-bit-of-a-raw-deal-for-women

Rainbowqueeen · 06/04/2022 12:32

End it.
He does not care if you are happy. If he did, he would not behave in this way.

Nothing you say will make a difference.

Just end it and give yourself a chance to be happy

Brefugee · 06/04/2022 12:34

Stay or leave. If you stay nothing will change. So you will have to decide if you think it's worth it.

In your shoes? I would leave.

ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 06/04/2022 12:34

He's a lazy slob.

He's a lazy slob who is happy to watch you be his skivvy and work yourself to the bone.

He will be a shit role model for a child.

Do not marry him or have kids with him.

You will be utterly and totally exhausted.

He won't change.

Change your partner.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 06/04/2022 12:37

It will never be sorted out, he has zero plans to change whilst someone is doing all the work for him, he is lazy and doesn't care.
I'd leave him.
I've had two husbands like this and just ended up totally worn out and furious. I feel much happier now.

ohidoliketobe · 06/04/2022 12:39

There's two elements to me.

  1. Most trivial is the 'messy', what your title actually starts with. Different people have different levels of tidiness and it's very difficult to maintain tidy levels with young children. If it were just that element, I'd be gently saying you need to adjust your expectations.
HOWEVER
  1. Reading the rest of your post it's apparent it isn't just about perceived levels of tidiness, its about a fair and mutual split of the chores. Called 'chores' because very fucking few people actually enjoy doing them but know they have to be done. If he's not willing to change now, he never will.

My DH had a mum who did most things for him, but once we started living together he very quickly realised I wasn't going to iron his shirts, or buy his family Christmas/ birthday cards and gifts - got my own shit to deal with. Housework and childcare is 50/50 and I wouldn't settle for anything less (either way!).

I honestly think you need to do what you've done - you need to change or I don't see a future for us. So hard, but otherwise you're setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery otherwise, and you can already see that

Comedycook · 06/04/2022 12:40

He won't change. At best, he'll make an effort for a while to appease you before going back to his old ways. If you feel this bad now, it will be absolutely horrendous once you have a baby

springtimeishereagain · 06/04/2022 12:42

@ComtesseDeSpair

You either put up with his untidiness and begin to resent it (do all chores yourself); you compromise (accept that he’s just not a house proud person and it’s part of who he is, and get a cleaner); or you decide it’s a dealbreaker and you end the relationship because it’s a fundamental incompatibility.

Just don’t be one of those women who comes back again to post in a couple of years’ time but this time with two babies by this man, complaining that he’s still a lazy partner and is also a pretty lazy father, but you thought he’d suddenly have a personality change and become totally different when you got pregnant.

This x 1000 👏👏
AntarcticTern · 06/04/2022 12:44

The most worrying bit of your post is the bit where you say that he seems to think you are trying to "be cruel and get one up on him" when you discuss this. Wft? Can he really not understand how much this is bothering you and how he could easily do something to make it better?