I don't want to have a baby with my messy partner

[CLola24]

Hi all,

I have been with my partner almost four years. We are engaged and have bought a house together. We both work full time. At the moment I work from home but I used to work shifts in the emergency services. Since we have been together my partner has had three jobs and some substantial periods of unemployment.

The argument we always come back to is regarding mess and housework. I am the one who cooks, tidies and cleans. I also carry all of the emotional labour, it is me who meal plans, does the food shopping, thinks of family birthdays, vet appointments etc.

His excuse is that he is tired which completely overlooks how knackered I was when I was working shifts and 60 hours a week and still doing all the work.

He has always wanted kids. I came round to the idea of it and have worked to make this more feasible, for example getting a job which wears me out less and buying a house with an extra room.

It got to the point last month where I told him things were getting so bad I didn't want to live in our house anymore. I said I was tired of having the same row again and again with nothing changing and that I have was feeling like it's my job to clean clean the house and his to live in it. I told him that I cannot accept our vision of sharing a future together any longer as a baby would just add to the mess and my burden. I cannot trust him to help me.

I feel like I have tried everything to get through and whatever approach I take he seems to think I am just being cruel and trying to get one up on him. I feel as though it's got to the point now where it has eroded what we have to the point that I feel so disrespected and wonder if I'm even in love anymore. I cannot help but feel as though he is deliberately pushing me away because he's too much of a coward to finish things but he assures me he loves me and I do believe him, but that just leaves me feeling as though his all isn't good enough for me.

I don't know what I am hoping for. I feel as though I am begging and begging for him to change his ways so that I can fulfil for him what he has always wanted, a child. I could probably overlook his mess otherwise.

Has anyone else been in this situation before? How did you solve this problem? I don't think I'm asking for a miracle.

Thank you

You're trying to change him into something he's not. Stop trying, it won't work. What's that saying about the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I just couldn't be with a lazy partner, it turns you into a nag and they treat you like you're their mother. Very unattractive.

How old are you.

You have a house so now see the reality of him. Whilst buying a house together is a commitment you can walk away.

A baby is a whole different level of commitment. Of course he wants a baby, he gets to play with a baby, his name is continued, you are more trapped BUT you will still do all the work. Two mature and responsible adults living together should be a breeze. If it's painful now a baby will make life much, much worse for YOU.

Read Sis, don't settle by Faith Jenkins.

If he thinks he’s too tired to pull his weight now you have no hope I’m afraid. The strain a baby puts on the parents isn’t something you can get your head around until you’re in it, and even the most resilient, hardworking people can find it unbelievably difficult. I’d put a halt on any baby ideas with him tbh

www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp
This article says it all for me; he might not care about the home but if he cares about you he should do it because of that

It only gets worse. Much, much worse when a child in brought into the equation.

Either decide you're OK with doing everything yourself, or leave. Personally I'd leave.

You don't enjoy living with him.

Think about that. Let it sink in.

You don't enjoy living with him.

Why are you still living with him?

If I had a £ for every woman who thought their partner would magically change into Mr. Wonderful when the baby arrived, I would be the richest person on earth.

Don't be one of these women.

Please don’t get pregnant in the hope he will change once the baby is here. So many women do this all the time. They don’t change. They just end up with several kids and resenting their partners, and feel stuck. There are threads all over mn like this.

@merryhouse

You don't enjoy living with him.

Think about that. Let it sink in.

You don't enjoy living with him.

Why are you still living with him?

Exactly. Op, what the fuck are you even doing? What a tragic waste of your life and youth.

He isn't going to change because he doesn't want to. Things will feel and be ten times worse if you have a baby. You probably need to accept that he's just not 'up to the job' and get rid.

He won't suddenly change. My partner is less fussed about tidiness and messier than me. It is one of the things we argue about. Since having kids he has got better at tidying and organising and I have lowered my standards and also stopped doing things that are just for him ( eg I used to iron his uniform, can't think why I did that now!). This means we've sort of met in the middle, but is still the one thing we are most likely to argue about. However I don't think relationships are perfect and there are lots of other good things, we have similar interests, same views on parenting, similar hopes for the future etc.

You have been very foolish buying a house with this waster.

But if you want things to get a lot worse, have children.

Only then will you experience real misery.

You will be working, paying, cleaning, childminding, doing absolutely everything.

Your life will be one long slog, all because you thought he would change.

You have really low standards that you are with him in the first place.

Having children with him, will only be further madness.

Why would you want so little from your life that to be a skivvy for a workshy waster?

Yours is such a sad post.

You deserve better.

I get it OP, my DP was a bit like this when we first moved in together. His mom had done everything for him so he just had no idea what work it took to keep a household running. To be quite honest it was a year of me getting more and more wound up until I broke and just went on strike. Only washed my own clothes, stopped reminding him about his family birthdays cards etc. stopped making a rod for my own back basically.

He gets it now. We have an equal split and I don't have to spoon feed him instructions. He will come in from work and just start cleaning/cooking/doing laundry. I would say I clean the bathroom more often and definitely like things tidier than he does but likewise he will do shit loads of DIY, garden work so it feels like a fair balance now.

He’s a lazy and selfish partner. He’ll be a lazy and selfish dad.

Someone who has sustained periods of unemployment and refuses to do their fair share because they think a woman should do it for them is NOT going to suddenly become dad of the year.

He’ll ‘babysit’ the kids for an hour here and there while you have a shower and clean the kitchen. He won’t do any night wakings. Probably won’t do nappies. Won’t be the one who does appointments, shopping, birthday parties, potty training, school.

So if you’re happy to be a single mum with him making a mess and disgusting you more each day then go for it. If not then don’t.

There are some useless men who miraculously become helpful and decent once babies arrive, but it's more common to find that things get worse

@GoodSoup

Please don’t get pregnant in the hope he will change once the baby is here. So many women do this all the time. They don’t change. They just end up with several kids and resenting their partners, and feel stuck. There are threads all over mn like this.

I would perhaps argue that they do change slightly - they get even worse! I personally think having a baby stretches everyone to the limit, all your stresses are magnified. If you can’t cope with doing your fair share of household chores I don’t see how you’d cope with all that plus being an active parent.

Don’t waste anymore time with him. You really don’t want to be looking back at your life in 20 years with regret. Move on and find someone you are more compatible with and who actually respects you.

It's not just that he's a complete and utter slob, it's that he blames everyone but himself for this. That shows he won't change.

Since we have been together my partner has had three jobs and some substantial periods of unemployment. This shows so much about his personality when it's coupled with the way he behaves at home. Do you think those three companies wished he'd stayed?

He isn't going to change. This relationship has run its course, you are not happy, so you need to step away and make your own future elsewhere., Sell the house and split.

DO NOT have a baby with him; it will only make everything worse.

He will 100% not change and if you add a child/children into the mix your workload will get 20x worse. Sounds like he is making you miserable as it is - just leave him. It may be hard to do so but it will be a lot harder once you have a baby.

I left a lovely lovely bloke because of this. I just could not do it all, and then have it all undone the minute I stopped cleaning/tidying, endlessly. I would clean before work and i would come home from my shift to a tip. A last straw for me was I came home from work and he was drinking his coffee out of a clean jam jar from the recycling ( that i had washed, obvs,) rather wash a cup. I was uptight and it was my problem, he was happy with living like that. He got together with a good friend in the end and had a kid. They are both still happy after several decades but their house is appalling and every time I see it I am so glad I don't have to live like that any more- i am still scarred by the experience!. She didn't work until the kid was much older which is how i think she coped. Before she was with him her house was immmaculate. If it matters to you you have to find someone who shares your values, even about something like housework.

He sounds like a wasteman.

Give your future babies a better father than this chump, they deserve it.

Onwards and upwards!

Don't marry him! My ex was exactly as you describe. He promised he'd improve, pressured me for buying a house, marriage, kids etc and of course nothing changed. It got worse if anything as once on maternity leave my career options became limited and I was more in the home. Ex took this to mean I was basically his personal servant because he was earning all the money so didn't feel he had to lift a finger or contribute to our home life in any other way. He's out of my house now and looking back I regret falling for those lies. Don't make the same mistake!

Is he working now, don't have a baby with a man who doesn't work.

You’ve wasted enough years of your life with someone who isn’t a partner. They’ve made you do all the heavy lifting, emotionally, financially, house wise, job wise etc etc. And they’ve shown you by their actions that they do not care or respect you.
Do not have a baby or marry this man. Get yourself free of them and build a better life without their dead weight around your neck.