Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't want to have a baby with my messy partner

81 replies

CLola24 · 06/04/2022 11:30

Hi all,

I have been with my partner almost four years. We are engaged and have bought a house together. We both work full time. At the moment I work from home but I used to work shifts in the emergency services. Since we have been together my partner has had three jobs and some substantial periods of unemployment.

The argument we always come back to is regarding mess and housework. I am the one who cooks, tidies and cleans. I also carry all of the emotional labour, it is me who meal plans, does the food shopping, thinks of family birthdays, vet appointments etc.

His excuse is that he is tired which completely overlooks how knackered I was when I was working shifts and 60 hours a week and still doing all the work.

He has always wanted kids. I came round to the idea of it and have worked to make this more feasible, for example getting a job which wears me out less and buying a house with an extra room.

It got to the point last month where I told him things were getting so bad I didn't want to live in our house anymore. I said I was tired of having the same row again and again with nothing changing and that I have was feeling like it's my job to clean clean the house and his to live in it. I told him that I cannot accept our vision of sharing a future together any longer as a baby would just add to the mess and my burden. I cannot trust him to help me.

I feel like I have tried everything to get through and whatever approach I take he seems to think I am just being cruel and trying to get one up on him. I feel as though it's got to the point now where it has eroded what we have to the point that I feel so disrespected and wonder if I'm even in love anymore. I cannot help but feel as though he is deliberately pushing me away because he's too much of a coward to finish things but he assures me he loves me and I do believe him, but that just leaves me feeling as though his all isn't good enough for me.

I don't know what I am hoping for. I feel as though I am begging and begging for him to change his ways so that I can fulfil for him what he has always wanted, a child. I could probably overlook his mess otherwise.

Has anyone else been in this situation before? How did you solve this problem? I don't think I'm asking for a miracle.

Thank you

OP posts:
CanofCant · 06/04/2022 15:13

I've nothing new to add really.

He won't change after marriage, if possible it will get worse. My SIL had similar with my BIL, divorced him and is now having the time of her life experiencing new challenges while he is still the same.

Mumoblue · 06/04/2022 15:18

Run.

If he wanted to change, he would have changed.
If using you as his maid bothered him, he would have changed.
If equality in relationships was important to him, he would have changed.

Do yourself a favour and try and find another adult. It sounds harsh but I know from experience that this kind of entitlement doesn’t go away, it just gets worse.

NowEvenBetter · 06/04/2022 15:19

No need to continue throwing your life down the toilet to keep this loser hanging about. There’s not a shortage of males, don’t tolerate being treated like scum. Go and enjoy your life.

Springhassprunggrasshasrizz · 06/04/2022 15:19

You are literally doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship. He wont change ic you have a child either. Make sure your contraception is rock solid as bringing a child into this relationship would mean you'd be a "mum" to 2 children, one being 6ft tall, and not just the one you gave birth to!

There's absolutely no excuse with both partners working for BOTH to share chores like cooking, laundry etc and keeping the place tidy. It's not the 1950s!!

BeepBoopBop · 07/04/2022 07:20

@HellToTheNope

You were foolish to buy a house with him, but you'd have to be insane to have a baby with this man. Who you see is what you get, because he's not changing. He's a scruffy man child who has zero respect for you.

Get rid of him and find a real adult to have a family with.

100% this ^

You are not his donkey.

TracyMosby · 07/04/2022 07:25

He thinks housework is your job.
He thinks life admin is your job.
He actively makes these jobs he regards as yours more difficult.

There is no way he wont see child rearing as entirely your job too. And you know he will also make that more difficult, because that is what he does.

He sounds awful.

Polyanthus2 · 07/04/2022 07:27

He's selfish and lazy. He'll be a selfish and lazy father probably which will hurt more as your dC will be the one to miss out.

Newnormal99 · 07/04/2022 07:41

My ex was horrifically messy and never picked up after himself. E.g he would drop stuff in living room bin but never checked it landed / empty it so there would be sweet wrappers tissues etc surrounding it. Same here as working long hours and came home to a crappy house after he had been at home (with school age) children all day.

We split and oh the relief. Despite me having less time the house was tidier than it was before. Plus I got a cleaner as now it was benefitting me not him (before I wouldn't as part of the agreement of him going part time was to keep on top of housework 3 days a week. I never said anything in school holidays as he had kids all day but I got massively resentful in term time)

2DogsOnMySofa · 07/04/2022 07:53

Kids bring an infinite amount of love, but also an infinite amount of work. Not just mess (and believe me, it's A LOT), but also time and effort. If you're at breaking point now, imagine a pint sized version of your dp, who can't even put socks on by themselves added to the mix

Weatherwax13 · 07/04/2022 07:56

If you think it's bad now, believe me it'll be so much worse after you have a baby. All your instincts are correct OP.
He'll no doubt promise the earth if you tell him you want to split. And then be back to his lazy, selfish ways within a fortnight of thinking he's off the hook.

PriestessofPing · 07/04/2022 08:09

Well done for not kidding yourself it will
magically change if you became pregnant. In almost all circumstances standards slip for both parties when there is a new baby in the house because parenting a newborn is so tiring and labour intensive. So if he starts off from doing nothing and you resent him ( rightly) it’ll get worse if you have a child and you’ll go from resenting him to outright hating him pretty fast.

He doesn’t sound responsible enough to be a father - he hasn’t yet held down any long term job since you’ve been with him and has allowed you to already take the lions share of working and housework.

As for changing him, in my 15 odd years on Mumsnet (with different names) I recall many many threads like this and not a single one that ended with ‘so we had a great talk and he is now really stepping up around the house.’

whumpthereitis · 07/04/2022 09:41

Run while you’re still relatively unencumbered. If you have a baby with him you’ll be doing all the work you’re already doing, but caring for a child and all that entails as well. A house can be sold, you can start again. It sounds more like you’re in the habit of him, but it’s a bad habit and you need to break it for your own well-being.

Don’t have a baby with him. In fact, don’t have a baby for someone else at all. Only have a baby if you want one.

Jadetreesbringluck · 07/04/2022 10:10

Don't!!! No babies with this man child. Been there done that and am soon to be divorced...

Daffiy · 07/04/2022 10:47

I was stupid enough to have a baby with this type of man.
You will be doing what you are doing now, working and all the load of the household, with a baby on top.
You’ll never be able to be unwell or relax without being treated like a white goods appliance that has broken down.
You won’t be able to hold down any social life without getting constant texts and hassle.
Mine saw the household and kids lumped in together, and it was my job.
His attitude towards kids will probably be the same as he has toward household chores, if it’s too hard he won’t be arsed.
My last straw was finding empty tip top wrappers stuffed down the side of his bed like he was some lazy teen Confused
Run!

ChoiceMummy · 07/04/2022 14:11

You should never have children just because the other wants them.

You don't really express any desire to have children in your whole post. Do you want children? He does, OK, but he's only half of the relationship.

I also wonder whether you just have very different expectations. I tidy when needed. Clean when needed. I don't hoover a second day in a row for example just because I haven't hoovered today. So is it that he doesn't help, or its not to your standard/frequency?

What was he like before you loved together?

D0lphine · 07/04/2022 14:22

I agree you should end it. He won't change.

If you can't leave immediately, can you get a cleaner in the short term?

LuaDipa · 07/04/2022 14:35

It’s up to you what you do here but I can tell you now he won’t change. Either you learn to live with it or you move on.

Ionlydomassiveones · 07/04/2022 14:45

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

GeneLovesJezebel · 07/04/2022 14:48

He won’t change. Move on.

TR888 · 07/04/2022 14:55

Unfortunately, I also think you split up because of:

A) Lack of respect. Why is his tiredness more important than yours?
B) Incompatibility. You want a tidy house and, although you haven't said, I think career stability / economic reliability. He wants an easy life.

Reason A should be a dealbreaker in itself. Reason B will always create resentment.

Imagine a happy future for you. Does it feature a tidy house and a man with a career who also shares household/chikdcare duties? Or does it feature your boyfriend?

Whatever00 · 07/04/2022 15:06

I told my DH to fix up or fuck off. We are either a team or ill go it alone. I lowered my standers and he upped him.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 07/04/2022 15:12

Not only does he not pull his weight, he doesn't even acknowledge that there is a problem. Even worse than that he makes you into the bad guy for raising the issue at all. He's not going to change because he doesn't want to.

You need to ask yourself if you want to live this way for the rest of your life. You doing everything after a caesarian, you doing everything while you're recovering from flu, you tidying up and then doing again an hour later because he's left a trail of mess behind him.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 07/04/2022 15:28

It also occurs to me that while he probably does want to be a dad, he also might feel that having a baby will 'secure' you to him. He can't fail to notice that you are irritated by his behaviour and might wonder if you are thinking about leaving him. From his point of view it would be much easier to trap you into staying by having a baby than to actually change his behaviour.

layladomino · 07/04/2022 15:34

I've said it before, IRL and on here, but one of the most important considerations when deciding whether to live with someone (IMO) is that you have similar standards of tidiness / cleanliness / willingness to put in the necessary work.

I have know more marriages and LTR break down because of this issue than anything else, genuinely. It's a sure route to resentment, loss of respect and exhaustion (for one party). And it's even more important if you're going to have children.

Conversations I had on a reel with ex, a long time ago:

Me - I've cleaned upstairs and will nip to do the supermarket shop. Will you do downstairs?
Him (reading on settee) - it doesn't need doing, it's fine.
Me - Well it does, it's a mess, and x is visiting later. Plus we're both back at work tomorrow so...
Him - if it bothers you, you do it, you want the place to be a showhouse
Me - far from it, but I do want to be comfortable, and not be embarrased when people visit.
Him - It's all about how it looks to other people isn't it. It's my day off, I deserve some rest.
Me - Don't I deserve rest? But I've had to wash / iron / clean / meal prep and now I'm going shopping. You've just read a book.
Him - That's your choice, I didn't make you.
Me - But if we both did nothing, the house would be a tip, we'd have no clean clothes and no food.
Him - But you enjoy doing it don't you, and of course we wouldn't starve. We can have toast for tea.

etc
etc
etc

Every day off.

mathanxiety · 07/04/2022 16:17

He thinks you're being cruel and trying to get one up on him when you raise your frustration.

But sitting back and seeing you bust a gut working 60 hours a week outside the home and another 40 inside it wasn't cruel? He never once felt that he was getting away with something? He thought it completely natural that someone else would do all that for him, and support him financially? He doesn't think that taking someone else's time and energy from them isn't a bad case of 'getting one up' on them?

Yes, you are hoping for a miracle if you think this entitled waste of space will change.

Draw a line under this relationship, the sooner the better. Sell the house. Move on.

Never, ever settle for a man in hopes of changing him.