I don't want to have a baby with my messy partner

[CLola24]

Hi all,

I have been with my partner almost four years. We are engaged and have bought a house together. We both work full time. At the moment I work from home but I used to work shifts in the emergency services. Since we have been together my partner has had three jobs and some substantial periods of unemployment.

The argument we always come back to is regarding mess and housework. I am the one who cooks, tidies and cleans. I also carry all of the emotional labour, it is me who meal plans, does the food shopping, thinks of family birthdays, vet appointments etc.

His excuse is that he is tired which completely overlooks how knackered I was when I was working shifts and 60 hours a week and still doing all the work.

He has always wanted kids. I came round to the idea of it and have worked to make this more feasible, for example getting a job which wears me out less and buying a house with an extra room.

It got to the point last month where I told him things were getting so bad I didn't want to live in our house anymore. I said I was tired of having the same row again and again with nothing changing and that I have was feeling like it's my job to clean clean the house and his to live in it. I told him that I cannot accept our vision of sharing a future together any longer as a baby would just add to the mess and my burden. I cannot trust him to help me.

I feel like I have tried everything to get through and whatever approach I take he seems to think I am just being cruel and trying to get one up on him. I feel as though it's got to the point now where it has eroded what we have to the point that I feel so disrespected and wonder if I'm even in love anymore. I cannot help but feel as though he is deliberately pushing me away because he's too much of a coward to finish things but he assures me he loves me and I do believe him, but that just leaves me feeling as though his all isn't good enough for me.

I don't know what I am hoping for. I feel as though I am begging and begging for him to change his ways so that I can fulfil for him what he has always wanted, a child. I could probably overlook his mess otherwise.

Has anyone else been in this situation before? How did you solve this problem? I don't think I'm asking for a miracle.

Thank you

Your thread title is wrong! It should say "I don't want to have a baby with my partner who makes me do literally everything."

Be the stable breadwinner, since his employment is unstable.
Cook.
Clean.
Tidy.
Care for animals.
Shop.
Remember everything.
Maintain relationships with family.
AND swallow all your frustrations about this, because he cannot bear to be criticised about his bad behaviour.

If you have a kid with him he will be tireder, crankier, do less, be more sensitive to criticism, and you will feel more trapped.

Your to-do list will explode and he won't help. He already thinks he has a better right to rest and ease than you, that won't change when you're exhausted with a baby.

You sound great and very competent. Don't waste that on someone who will swallow every moment of your labour and always think it's no less than he's due. Think what your life could be like if you shared it with someone who worked with you as an equal.

Sensible.

If he does fuck all round the house and doesn't give a shit, only an idiot would think he'd be anything other than a shit dad who left all the grunt work to you.

please don't stick around trying to get him to understand this. he never will. you'll end up as mother to your child and to him.

Do you even want a child yourself?

OP, I left an absive ex after 30 years.

One of his "specialities" was wanting a perfectly tidy house while doing as little as possible to maintain it. He instead dumped it all on me, and later the DC. Anything to avoid doing any chores. Apart from gardening; he'd potter all weekend in the garden if it meant doing nothing in the house.

Your partner will not change if you have a child, and will likely become worse. If youu choose to have a baby, you're going to end up feeling resentful of your partner.

This is your dealbreaker time.

I disagree with everyone saying he won't change. He will - he will get worse.

Don't have a child with him - it's a path to misery and resentment.