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Original poster

He wants space

82 replies

Merriboo · 05/04/2022 09:51

So, I’ve been seeing someone I met on tinder for 3 months.
It progressed very quickly as we are very sexually attracted.
Back story is that this is my first relationship/dating since a long term abusive relationship which has left me with a variety of hang ups whcih ive been open about. He has his own insecurities having been cheated on.
Throughout, he has openly wanted to DTR as a relationship but done His best to be patient, however several times when I’ve not responded/seemed to have disappeared, he has jumped to the conclusion that I’m out with another guy, and the jumped to its best to walk away.
Alongside this, my fear of intimacy/hang ups have meant that despite him being incredibly complimentary, I simply couldn’t say how I felt or tell him I words that I like him. I just clam up verbally.
I went on a pre organised holiday a couple of weeks ago and the plan for hi. To pick me up got cancelled when he developed a cold sore. God knows why it became this big issue about me not catching it 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️ But we didn’t see each other the week after which clearly triggered his anxieties to the point he thought I was making excuses not to see him.

On the Friday night, I fell asleep mid text to him around 730, and woke in daze around 1130pm to find 9 missed calls and a message saying i must be out with someone else and to forget our date on sat.
I did explain but he was very sceptical about the truth because of the time. For that point on, he responded to texts/calls but evaded meeting or made excuses.
Up to last weds- I sent him a couple of messages explaining my feelings and asked him not to give up on me/us.
He replied that I was putting him under pressure, that he needed time to think about us now, if I’d been like it weeks ago wouldn’t be where we are now. It’s all getting too much and I felt a bit forced. And that he was going to take some time to think about us and where it’s going so please give him space as he was feeling suffocated.

Naturally this sent me into a spin. I offloaded a number of messages that night telling him how I felt.
He sent a goodnight xx the next night.
Since then I’ve sent a goodnight messages or gif and he responds with a blowing kiss face emoji.

I know my fears and hang ups make me difficult and that I’ve give him the impression I’m not bothered by not really saying how I feel. He isn’t blameless either though by always having one foot out of the door/saying we should end it and repeatedly jumping to the conclusion that I’m seeing someone else.

I do really really like him. I know he really liked me.
How do we repair things if he wants space?
How long should I give him?
Does space mean walking away and ending things without having to do it face to face?

OP posts:
DenholmElliot · 05/04/2022 09:54

Ring him, rather than text. Text could be misinterpreted.

FetchezLaVache · 05/04/2022 09:56

Give him all the space in the world.

The unfounded accusations of being out with another man are a huge red flag.

It shouldn't be such hard work three months in.

ItWasntMyFault · 05/04/2022 09:58

After only 3 months is all this hassle really worth it?
Give him the space he wants and forget about him.

FluffyPersian · 05/04/2022 09:58

You are not responsible for his feelings - nor should you be pandering to his anxieties 3 months into a relationship.

His actions sound really controlling to put you in your place - E.g. if you don't reply to a text message or answer a call, you're going to be 'punished'.... You shouldn't need to 'explain' yourself if you fall asleep. Nor should a normal person assume that as you aren't replying, you're obviously with someone else.

I'd personally give him all the space he needs and let him go - He uses the ' Let's leave it / let's finish it' threat when he's annoyed with you to pull you back into line.

I'd agree with him and block.

VaddaABeetch · 05/04/2022 09:59

This is way too much drama for 12 weeks. You’re not good for each other,

Move very far away from him

Hiddenvoice · 05/04/2022 09:59

You both sound like you’re quite insecure and worried about being hurt. He seems very full on and jumps to conclusions a lot but he might just be very anxious.
I agree with the pp, instead of texting phone him. Texts can easily be misread.
My only worry is this is all so new and he’s already sounding quite demanding of your time and the need for you to respond.
At this stage it should still feel fun and light hearted. You two are not exclusive so you could date other people if you wanted to and he really shouldn’t be getting that upset and annoyed about it.

HellonHeels · 05/04/2022 09:59

This doesnt sound like an enjoyable relationship for either of you. And his allegations are a big red flag.

Id suggest ending it and getting some therapy before dating again.

3peassuit · 05/04/2022 10:00

The relationship is not making you happy, walk away.

KosherDill · 05/04/2022 10:16

Get rid of this asshole.

And maybe stop dating, especially via tinder, until you can work with a counselor on why you allow men to mistreat you.

Watchkeys · 05/04/2022 11:00

I know my fears and hang ups make me difficult

You won't feel difficult when you're with the right person. Use the fact that you feel difficult to indicate to you whether you're with the right person. If you feel difficult, leave the relationship.

Gatekeeperoffood · 05/04/2022 12:03

He's controlling and abusive OP, all the warning signs are there!

He's stonewalling you by "needing space", it's a punishment for displeasing him

I agree you should do the freedom programme (or at the very least read up on narcissistic abuse)

Badbaddog · 05/04/2022 12:05

Neither of you are ready for a relationship. This is a ridiculous style of behaviour for 3 months in!

BlingLoving · 05/04/2022 13:09

I'm struggling to understand why YOU are difficult? He's the one who keeps threatening to break up and having complete meltdowns in case you're out seeing someone else? Too much drama. The early bit should be easy in a relationship.

Instead, what you have here is a man who is clearly grooming your insecurities in preparation for using them as a tool to control you. Run. And consider what you can do to stop repeating this pattern.

Original poster
Merriboo · 05/04/2022 14:50

@Hiddenvoice

You both sound like you’re quite insecure and worried about being hurt. He seems very full on and jumps to conclusions a lot but he might just be very anxious. I agree with the pp, instead of texting phone him. Texts can easily be misread. My only worry is this is all so new and he’s already sounding quite demanding of your time and the need for you to respond. At this stage it should still feel fun and light hearted. You two are not exclusive so you could date other people if you wanted to and he really shouldn’t be getting that upset and annoyed about it.
I think you are right that we are both insecure and he is anxious.

mostly, it hasn't been difficult, there has been lots of laughter, lovely dates and the sex has been amazing.

thank you to everyone for your thoughts. its helpful to get some objective perspective (appreciating this is only a snippet of the story and from my side- his side would probably be about how frustrating it is to be with someone who cant share the slightest part of the their feelings or what is going on in her head or where i'm at)

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 05/04/2022 15:02

God no op.

'He jumped to the conclusion that I was out with another man'

Fucking run.
This isn't insecurity, it's the beginning of control.
Run now or you'll find yourself in another abusive relationship.

9 missed calls, 9? The guy is nuts op. Nuts.

You are not the issue here and it's worrying that you cannot see the signs of this abusive man. Because they are neon and flashing in this one.

He is now yoyoing with your emotions. He will be back. He is deliberately manipulating you by creating a desperation within you and training you to always respond to him (or he will threaten to leave).

Get out of this,fast.

Justcallmebebes · 05/04/2022 15:02

He cancelled coming to pick you up because he had a cold sore?? That would be enough for me on its own but I do agree with previous posters, it sounds like you don't communicate well via text but even with that, he does sound very flaky and a drama llama.

I'd move on

Pinkbonbon · 05/04/2022 15:11

Also really common for abusers to claim that they were cheated on before btw. So that you'll excuse their controlling and manipulative behaviour as 'insecurity'.

Even if it was insecurity- you shouldn't get in a relationship if you are accusing ppl of cheating just because they go a few hours without replying to your texts. That's madness.

He is toxic one way or another. And considering you've been in an abusive relationship before, you are probably still vulnerable to thinking, 'is it me?'.

It's not you.

And please do read up on how to spot these controlling push and pull abuser techniques so that you don't fall for this shit next time you date.

Pumpkinstace · 05/04/2022 15:12

@Pinkbonbon

God no op.

'He jumped to the conclusion that I was out with another man'

Fucking run.
This isn't insecurity, it's the beginning of control.
Run now or you'll find yourself in another abusive relationship.

9 missed calls, 9? The guy is nuts op. Nuts.

You are not the issue here and it's worrying that you cannot see the signs of this abusive man. Because they are neon and flashing in this one.

He is now yoyoing with your emotions. He will be back. He is deliberately manipulating you by creating a desperation within you and training you to always respond to him (or he will threaten to leave).

Get out of this,fast.

This in spades.

This man is abusive. He using anxiety and mental health to trick you into feeling sorry for him and make you think it's your fault.

Run fast.

gamerchick · 05/04/2022 15:14

Christ who could be bothered?

I did laugh at the not picking you up because of a cold sore though. Seriously OP. Throw this one back.

Original poster
Merriboo · 05/04/2022 16:05

the cold sore thing was me not him. I was worried about catching it and somehow that translated into him thinking I was making excuses not to see him...

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/04/2022 16:06

Well tbf he was right.

HellToTheNope · 05/04/2022 16:09

On the Friday night, I fell asleep mid text to him around 730, and woke in daze around 1130pm to find 9 missed calls and a message saying i must be out with someone else and to forget our date on sat.
I did explain but he was very sceptical about the truth because of the time.

Come on, now. Fuck this shit. You have found yourself another abusive man. Get rid of him immediately.

Pinkbonbon · 05/04/2022 16:19

You've found yourself on a merry go round of 'prove your love/loyalty/innocence'. Abusive men like get you stuck on those.

You should never have to explain to someone that you were not out cheating because you didn't reply for a few hours. There are no right words to prove your innocence there - because he doesn't want you to be innocent. He wants you to be stuck on the merry go round of trying to prove you are.

That's how they break you.
They make you so focused on how you are coming across to them that you don't look at their shitty behaviour. They try to make you feel responsible for their bullshit.

And before you know it, nothing you do is right and you have no idea how to fix it and no idea where that loving man you first met has gone because he is changed. But if you could only explain, only make him understand only prove yourself to him in some way...maybe he'd come back. And that, is the trap. Its a con. Stop looking inwards. You are not the problem. He just wants you to believe you are.

Original poster
Merriboo · 06/04/2022 15:46

thanks everyone for the input, and I'm not discounting this.

if he was explaining his point of view, I think it would be along the lines of--
I met a stunning (his words) woman via TInder who I fancied immediately. we had an instant connection and started seeing each other. I know probably too keen but couldn't help it as I was really smitten. She has issues as her last relationship was abusive, she has been open about this leaving her with a fear of commitment/wanting to run away.
although we have been seeing each for a few weeks, I'm finding it really frustrating as she is incredibly guarded/closed off to the point I don't know how she feels or what she is looking for in a relationship or with us. I admit i'm not perfect, and have trust issues from previous relationships, and the security/commitment of being exclusive as boyfriend/girlfriend is really important to me. she resisted that which has left me feeling vulnerable and insecure.
I kept offering her chances to back out if she wanted, as she didn't come off tinder for a while after we started seeing each other, even though we were physically close.
I admit I've gradually become more frustrated and finally felt rejected when she made excuses not see me the week after she came back from a weeks holiday with her friend. I couldn't make sense of it and my mind went into overdrive thinking she must be seeing someone else. in the end I said to forget it and it was over, after which she has chased me, bombarded me with phone calls and messages, finally said how much she cares and asked me not to give up on us. I cant understand why she couldn't be like this weeks ago. we get on incredibly well and have a very close connection.
I feel pressured, overwhelmed and a bit forced to be honest and asked for space to think about us and where things are going.

in terms of what has happened since I posted, we have exchanged goodnight messages ( usually with kisses) at night but nothing more

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 06/04/2022 16:19

@Merriboo

thanks everyone for the input, and I'm not discounting this.

if he was explaining his point of view, I think it would be along the lines of--
I met a stunning (his words) woman via TInder who I fancied immediately. we had an instant connection and started seeing each other. I know probably too keen but couldn't help it as I was really smitten. She has issues as her last relationship was abusive, she has been open about this leaving her with a fear of commitment/wanting to run away.
although we have been seeing each for a few weeks, I'm finding it really frustrating as she is incredibly guarded/closed off to the point I don't know how she feels or what she is looking for in a relationship or with us. I admit i'm not perfect, and have trust issues from previous relationships, and the security/commitment of being exclusive as boyfriend/girlfriend is really important to me. she resisted that which has left me feeling vulnerable and insecure.
I kept offering her chances to back out if she wanted, as she didn't come off tinder for a while after we started seeing each other, even though we were physically close.
I admit I've gradually become more frustrated and finally felt rejected when she made excuses not see me the week after she came back from a weeks holiday with her friend. I couldn't make sense of it and my mind went into overdrive thinking she must be seeing someone else. in the end I said to forget it and it was over, after which she has chased me, bombarded me with phone calls and messages, finally said how much she cares and asked me not to give up on us. I cant understand why she couldn't be like this weeks ago. we get on incredibly well and have a very close connection.
I feel pressured, overwhelmed and a bit forced to be honest and asked for space to think about us and where things are going.

in terms of what has happened since I posted, we have exchanged goodnight messages ( usually with kisses) at night but nothing more

Do you genuinely believe that someone in a healthy relationship would be guessing paragraphs of their partner's possible point of view? What do you think is the use of this?