He wants space

[Merriboo]

So, I’ve been seeing someone I met on tinder for 3 months.
It progressed very quickly as we are very sexually attracted.
Back story is that this is my first relationship/dating since a long term abusive relationship which has left me with a variety of hang ups whcih ive been open about. He has his own insecurities having been cheated on.
Throughout, he has openly wanted to DTR as a relationship but done His best to be patient, however several times when I’ve not responded/seemed to have disappeared, he has jumped to the conclusion that I’m out with another guy, and the jumped to its best to walk away.
Alongside this, my fear of intimacy/hang ups have meant that despite him being incredibly complimentary, I simply couldn’t say how I felt or tell him I words that I like him. I just clam up verbally.
I went on a pre organised holiday a couple of weeks ago and the plan for hi. To pick me up got cancelled when he developed a cold sore. God knows why it became this big issue about me not catching it 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️ But we didn’t see each other the week after which clearly triggered his anxieties to the point he thought I was making excuses not to see him.

On the Friday night, I fell asleep mid text to him around 730, and woke in daze around 1130pm to find 9 missed calls and a message saying i must be out with someone else and to forget our date on sat.
I did explain but he was very sceptical about the truth because of the time. For that point on, he responded to texts/calls but evaded meeting or made excuses.
Up to last weds- I sent him a couple of messages explaining my feelings and asked him not to give up on me/us.
He replied that I was putting him under pressure, that he needed time to think about us now, if I’d been like it weeks ago wouldn’t be where we are now. It’s all getting too much and I felt a bit forced. And that he was going to take some time to think about us and where it’s going so please give him space as he was feeling suffocated.

Naturally this sent me into a spin. I offloaded a number of messages that night telling him how I felt.
He sent a goodnight xx the next night.
Since then I’ve sent a goodnight messages or gif and he responds with a blowing kiss face emoji.

I know my fears and hang ups make me difficult and that I’ve give him the impression I’m not bothered by not really saying how I feel. He isn’t blameless either though by always having one foot out of the door/saying we should end it and repeatedly jumping to the conclusion that I’m seeing someone else.

I do really really like him. I know he really liked me.
How do we repair things if he wants space?
How long should I give him?
Does space mean walking away and ending things without having to do it face to face?

Good sex cannot overcome the absolute sea of 🚩 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I won't be contacting him again

Good. He's awful.

Get rid. So many red flags.

Blimey, you barely knew him and he was upset that you wouldn't give up your salsa class. You're getting a lucky escape with this one!

@DenholmElliot

Ring him, rather than text. Text could be misinterpreted.

I agree with this

So, I did message again, to say let’s meet for a coffee to see where we are both at after some space. If we can’t or don’t want to find a way forward together, then let’s put things to bed in person properly before walking away. It’s the least our relationship deserves. I got a short response to say he was working and would let me know if that was ok, followed by but remember this, you say relationship. But you didn’t want one or to label us as going out together. Then last night he said again he would let me know about meeting. Nothing since

He doesn't want a relationship with you, he's not trying in the slightest to make anything happen with you. He's blaming you not to make it work.

He's game playing, probably enjoys the though of you waiting around on him. Don't give him this satisfaction, don't message him and move on.

I’ve just been seeing someone for 8 months that wanted space from seeing me last 6 weeks to work on his MH. Found out yesterday he’s been seeing a girl at work for that time.

Heartbroken for whole 2 hours before I realised that messaging him none stop for 8 months, compromising everything I wanted and dealing with all of his issues have been emotionally draining me the this whole period.

Take a step back and have a look is this what you want? Because I wished I hadn’t wasted that time on someone that wasn’t worth it

Love bombing and game playing. Healthy people (who have had relationships before) know that it takes time to build a relationship. Good sex and compliments are not firm foundations.

I suspect he is back online, looking for his next ego hit. Not because you have done anything wrong but because you haven't completely fallen for his lovebombing.

He wanted 2 months of flattering you and then you commit so he could start to back off. Block him and please be more reserved about thing strangers about your past. They need to prove themselves which happens slowly not in a few months.

This is a SIGN. This relationship is doomed. If he genuinely wanted to work through things he'd have responded differently.

Different but similar - had a big fall out with friend. I apologised, at length, for my part in the fall out. She never acknowledged that she had any part to play. We didn't see or speak to each other for a long time. I missed her so sent her a message after a few years. To which she basically continued to berate me for the thing that I HAD done, and for which I HAD apologised. So I replied with a note saying something like, "Okay, clearly this can't be resolved. Keep well." No contact since. Do that.

Good god, get rid! That is just far too much hard work and he's being a dick. Get away!

Oh OP…. You really need to do better. For yourself. Seriously?! Raise those standards.

@Merriboo with all due respect, your last post has me thinking if you are genuine, there is no way you can understand it all from his point of view

@Sorehandsandfeet
Yes I’m genuine. I’m sorry if I have come across as not genuine.

Half of me is rational about the whole thing, realises his behaviours (the insecure checking up or needing me to check in and repeated dumping/let’s forget it, accusations of seeing someone else, need to rush into making it a labelled official relationship) are unhealthy. And his responses are now cold and blaming.

The other half misses being with him, the affection as well as the sex, endless kissing, laughing with him, simple pleasures like cooking and watching films/tv. And then kicks myself for being an idiot over the cold sore. It’s that ‘oh gosh if only’ kicking yourself and wanting to fix it feeling.and just wants his arms round me again. God what’s wrong with me???

I need to get a grip but for some reason, I keep finding myself in the loop of wanting him and wanting him back.
We do have different values about some fundamentals which we didn’t agree on but agreeed to disagree, and I know these would have needed addressing as likely dealbreakers are some point so my rational self knows I’m deluding myself that he was the one. Not sure if I’m just a hopeless romantic.
He is an anti-vaxxer /anti mask wearer, (I work in healthcare), is a brexiteer, anti immigration.

I posted on here for support in getting my head straight with all of this. To help me stop focussing on the things about him/us that I’ve lost or ruined, and to recognise he isn’t able to offer me the healthy relationship and partnership that I’m looking for and deserve. I overthink.
And always want or need to process things.
I’m not sure whether I just needed to talk it all over for closure or whether I genuinely wanted to get back together with him. Or a bit of both.

And thank you @seensome @Bellex @Fireflygal @BlingLoving @beattieedny @AllThatGlistensIs
Your posts are helpful and are helping ☺️

I don't usually comment on relationship threads. But I felt compelled to.

This relationship is not healthy at all. Sounds to be like you were love bombed from the start.

He sounds controlling and manipulative. Refusing to see you for over a week due to a cold sore and punishing you because you are going on holiday. Constantly accusing you of seeing someone else.

You need to step away from this man. Get counselling, consider the 'freedom' programme. Don't date for a while.

Your post about what you feel he is thinking is purely make believe. His behaviour says otherwise.

12 weeks in should be the honeymoon period and not for dealing with all this.

@uggmum
Thank you.
I was the one who avoided seeing him over the cold sore which seems silly at best now and as it was straight after my holiday, he went from thinking I was avoiding him/putting him on a sex ban to thinking it was because I was seeing someone else.

I had counselling after my last relationship ended pre Covid.
I genuinely thought he was just crushing/infatuated

The other half misses being with him, the affection as well as the sex, endless kissing, laughing with him, simple pleasures like cooking and watching films/tv

Vs

He is an anti-vaxxer /anti mask wearer, (I work in healthcare), is a brexiteer, anti immigration.

You need to get hard hearted as you are vulnerable to any lovebombing man if your bar for a relationship is low. Know your values and seek a man who meets those values. It is a little teenagey to ignore fundamental mismatches and focus on physical connection.

How old are you?

I need to get a grip but for some reason, I keep finding myself in the loop of wanting him and wanting him back

I think it's valuable to recognise that unhealthy relationships often feel good for a lot of the time. Relationships can't be judged on this. They can only be judged on how you deal with things when they go wrong. Lots of abusive relationships are filled with love, laughter, affection, great sex... and then just a touch of violence or verbal abuse or silent treatment when something sensitive accidentally gets prodded.

There are very, very often lots of things to miss from an unhealthy relationship. Being an adult involves recognising that having a healthy relationship doesn't involve the good stuff coming at a price. Recognising that walking away is really hard, but better than continuing to feel how he makes you feel (ie sometimes up, sometimes crashingly down) Recognising that if a relationship often makes you feel crashingly down, it's not good for you, because feeling down isn't good for you.

Hi everyone,
I thought I would come back and update (I often wonder about other threads)

you were all very wise and I do thank each and every one who gave me advice at the time.
honestly, the number of threads over the years that I’ve read where the OP asks for advice and then ignores or struggles to listen. I didn’t think I could be one of them. I did take it on board, I was just a bit slow to act.
he did breadcrumb me for a bit longer and then finally admitted his ex had asked him to go back out with her wanting a relationship. 😂 well there’s a surprise!
so- lucky escape for me. And after 24 hours if that of being upset, I realised it was the whirlwind romance rather than the person.

our values were too diametrically opposed so it could never have worked anyway.
im taking it as a learning experience- a chance to figure out what I do/ don’t want and as you said to me- I’m worth far far better than this rushed, red flag riddled, insecure bigoted man.
interesting convo with my therapist is the mindset of scarcity/ unworthiness is a hangover from the long term abusive relationship that I wasn’t aware of.. being ground down to believe nobody else would want me meant I was overwhelmed when this guy love bombed me. But actually, it isn’t true- there are loads of good, genuine guys who will value me and not push for control or what they want. Also, she pointed out that after 3 years, I’d built it up in my mind to be this “big thing” as I’m a hopeless romantic.

I've just rejoined dating apps and it’s easier this time to not get swept away. I’ve weeded out a few and had a couple of dates which are promising.
One guy in particular has similar values, professional background and isn’t looking to rush into anything.

@Overthewine 😁 no worries.
agreed! As soon I got some breathing space, I got some clarity back. The counselling session and everyone’s unanimous opinions helped soo much.

Hi OP. First time I’ve seen this thread and you’ve definitely been on a journey!

Good on you for taking on board the comments and also for going to therapy. It sounds like taking things slow is the way forward for you.

Something else I just wanted to comment on, your disclosure to this guy that you had been in an abusive relationship. To me it feels too soon and unnecessary. He should treat you well no matter what your past is. And you should deal with your past before embarking on a new relationship. So to me, it really shouldn’t be relevant in a healthy relationship. I can see how it could give another abusive guy a way to blame you for things or dismiss your concerns Just something for you to think about. I’m not saying you never disclose it but I would wait until further down the track. I also think disclosing it too early can lead to a false sense of intimacy.

best wishes for all your future dating experiences.