He wants space

[Merriboo]

So, I’ve been seeing someone I met on tinder for 3 months.
It progressed very quickly as we are very sexually attracted.
Back story is that this is my first relationship/dating since a long term abusive relationship which has left me with a variety of hang ups whcih ive been open about. He has his own insecurities having been cheated on.
Throughout, he has openly wanted to DTR as a relationship but done His best to be patient, however several times when I’ve not responded/seemed to have disappeared, he has jumped to the conclusion that I’m out with another guy, and the jumped to its best to walk away.
Alongside this, my fear of intimacy/hang ups have meant that despite him being incredibly complimentary, I simply couldn’t say how I felt or tell him I words that I like him. I just clam up verbally.
I went on a pre organised holiday a couple of weeks ago and the plan for hi. To pick me up got cancelled when he developed a cold sore. God knows why it became this big issue about me not catching it 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️ But we didn’t see each other the week after which clearly triggered his anxieties to the point he thought I was making excuses not to see him.

On the Friday night, I fell asleep mid text to him around 730, and woke in daze around 1130pm to find 9 missed calls and a message saying i must be out with someone else and to forget our date on sat.
I did explain but he was very sceptical about the truth because of the time. For that point on, he responded to texts/calls but evaded meeting or made excuses.
Up to last weds- I sent him a couple of messages explaining my feelings and asked him not to give up on me/us.
He replied that I was putting him under pressure, that he needed time to think about us now, if I’d been like it weeks ago wouldn’t be where we are now. It’s all getting too much and I felt a bit forced. And that he was going to take some time to think about us and where it’s going so please give him space as he was feeling suffocated.

Naturally this sent me into a spin. I offloaded a number of messages that night telling him how I felt.
He sent a goodnight xx the next night.
Since then I’ve sent a goodnight messages or gif and he responds with a blowing kiss face emoji.

I know my fears and hang ups make me difficult and that I’ve give him the impression I’m not bothered by not really saying how I feel. He isn’t blameless either though by always having one foot out of the door/saying we should end it and repeatedly jumping to the conclusion that I’m seeing someone else.

I do really really like him. I know he really liked me.
How do we repair things if he wants space?
How long should I give him?
Does space mean walking away and ending things without having to do it face to face?

if he was explaining his point of view, I think it would be along the lines of
You don't know what he's thinking. You've known him 3 months. How do you even know he was cheated on? You're not cheating on him, but he thinks you are, constantly. Maybe that's what happened to his ex. Or maybe he cheated on her. How would you know?

How do you know what he’s thinking? If you do you have amazing insight based on a 12 week acquaintance

If you know what he’s thinking why are you asking us?

@VaddaABeetch

How do you know what he’s thinking? If you do you have amazing insight based on a 12 week acquaintance

If you know what he’s thinking why are you asking us?

i don't.

I guess i'm having a hard time making sense of the person who seemed so keen, understanding and seemed to want a relationship with me suddenly vanishing.
and aligning the points previous posters have made about his behavior being toxic

He's basically the snake from the jungle book op. He started by hypnotising you and now you're starting to see his fangs. Shake off the spell and get out, fast. Or stay under it and get slowly crushed to death and then, eaten.

Give him the whole universe. This is a nightmare.

Trying to make sense of how he's behaved means that he's confused you. This is a clear signal to keep away from him. It's not your job to work out why someone hurts you; that's their business. Your job is to look after your own wellbeing, by staying away from people who hurt you.

Do you see, @Merriboo? It's not complicated.

Just sounds like the start of another abusive relationship.

Did you do the Freedom Programme after the previous one?

I agree that he’s got you on a ‘prove yourself’ treadmill and that’s where he’ll keep you. He knows you’re not out with another man, he just wants you to believe that he thinks you are so that you’ll work harder.
He’ll suck out your soul.

For gods sake I'd give him space

Like so much I'd never want all that drama again

Life is way to short for all that!

Oh ffs get rid of the twat, he is awful!

@Merriboo you’ll drive yourself demented trying to get inside this man’s head. There’s no magic words that you can use to bring him around to your world view.

At this stage it should be all hearts & flowers.

This thing you have with this man is not dead because it was never alive.

Step away

Your excusing his behaviour and following a patten you know so well.
He sounds manipulative and a complete twat.
Even when insecure the last thing you vocalise is that someone you barely know is cheating!
Come on OP you know how this ends!

Car crash waiting to happen. Run away OP. I’d also recommend when you feel ready to date again you don’t disclose your past abuse so readily, it’s practically catnip to the wrong en’s

I don't think you should be dating until you are able to spot the early warning signs of abusive relationships. Online dating is the perfect platform for predatory men looking for their next victim and you need to have very strong boundaries to not be taken advantage of by men like this. I'd be extremely surprised if anything you have been told about his past his true. Abusers love to play the victim and suck you in. Being cheated on in the past is often quoted by them as a reason for suspecting YOU are cheating, but it's all part of the manipulation. It's a very strong indicator that they are controlling in relationships.

All the warning signs are there, please listen to them

Abusers often target women who have been previously abused and are very keen in the beginning of the relationship to find your weaknesses (in the guise of being "understanding"). This is then held against you later in the abuse cycle and you are already buying into this rhetoric by implying you are somehow "difficult" because of your past. It's actually part of gaslighting too as you are told that you are the problem, you will always be the problem and you will eventually abandon yourself in trying to please them.

They use lovebombing to suck you in at the beginning but in reality it's a facade. You do not truly know this man or what he is thinking.

If I read his version I'd tell him that he's way too intense way too fast and that neither him or his new partner are ready for a new relationship. Writing it from his perspective is just as crazy. I'd ask why after such ashort time he's demanding so much commitment.

You are over thinking all of this WAY too much. Where do you get the energy from?
It’s a 3 month relationship, honestly, it shouldn’t be this intense and dramatic!!

@Pinkbonbon

He's basically the snake from the jungle book op. He started by hypnotising you and now you're starting to see his fangs. Shake off the spell and get out, fast. Or stay under it and get slowly crushed to death and then, eaten.

That's a great analogy, basically my thoughts in a much more poetic way!

thanks everyone.
as with so many of these threads, I was finding it quite hard to properly hear the message you were all saying. I came on for advice and do need to listen to it.

contact has only been a cursory email ping pong of goodnight to each other on a couple of nights (mostly him first), and a polite but distant response from him to a how are you. it's been over a week now since he asked for space, with no sign of a conclusion either way or a change in the messaging, so that's a conclusion in itself!!
even if he IS/WAS genuine, this is either cowardly or rude to keep stringing things along without any resolution one way or another.
I'm worth more than that despite any mistakes I've made or flaws that I have.

I wont be contacting him again.

the love bombing comment is an interesting one that i didn't know about. he has been incredibly complimentary, showering me with compliments (gorgeous, pretty, funny, sexy, fit, incredible in bed to name a few) physically affectionate and wanting to see me which is incredibly flattering.
he did get irritated several times that I said we were dating rather than in a relationship (same thing to me in terms of exclusivity, but an earlier stage of getting to know each other) wanting to know how much longer we would only be "dating buddies" and also on a few occasions when he got vexed thinking i was prioritizing other things (eg salsa) instead of seeing him- he said early on that he really wanted to see me more than once a week.
he did get upset recently when asking what i was looking for, said I was the most frustrating person he had even met for being so closed off and giving nothing, that he didn't know whether i just wanted sex with no commitment or a relationship which is what he was looking for and that he really liked me.
him suddenly pulling away and going cold definitely triggered my fears and made me pursue him desperately

Stop looking for sense in him. You're not compatible with him. He doesn't need to make sense to you.

Your most self respectful, adult, wise response from here on in is to say (and feel) 'He made no sense to me at all, and it doesn't matter.'

Not contacting him again is one thing. Learning how not to waste your time on him is another. Again, look at how much you've written, even though what you're saying is that he's never going to be part of your life again. It doesn't matter what he's said or done, or how he feels. He's just 'some bloke'.

The constant accusations from him are a big red flag. Trust me. I’d run.

You both really really need to get individual help for this as it’s unhealthy to bring such issues into a new relationship. If you don’t both work on them how can you expect your relationship to go anywhere.

Most of us of a certain age who find ourselves on dating sites come with 'baggage' from previous relationships. I was cheated on in my marriage but I wouldn't be actively seeking another relationship if I couldn't park that as being in my past. Yes, I'd maybe recognise the signs more easily going forward but wouldn't be actively looking for them or accusing someone of cheating on me. I think if less people (of any gender) who hadn't worked through their shit put themselves out there on dating sites, there would be a lot less heartache!

Seriously, at 3 months in you should be enjoying each other's company and getting to know one another, not bickering and accusing each other of things.

The cold sore thing is bizarre and I can see why he would think that was an excuse though to be fair! Just don't kiss him if you don't want to catch it!

Glad to read your update OP.

Sometimes the love bombing is really hard to get passed, because we so desperately want it to be true.

Dump Him.

Next time someone tries to pressurise you into exclusivity (I'm assuming from context that's what DTR means, I'm old) just say "well I don't know how serious I am yet, but if I've had more than three dates with one person I'm not bothering with anyone else for now"

• because let's face it, who has time for all that and if you like them enough to go out again you might as well see them as anyone else -

You're looking for a relationship (I assume). What you're doing when you date someone is working out whether they're right for you to have a relationship with. When it turns out that being with them makes you unhappy, that's the point you stop dating them.

I tried OLD after coming out of a long abusive marriage OP and here's the thing -I attracted other abusive men. My boundaries were really poor and I let myself be treated like shit by these men, one in particular who I still feel ashamed about. I don't think you're in a place where you can instantly recognise the red flags, cos this guy is waving hundreds at you!

Run from this abusive paranoid loser, so what if he's been cheated on, loads of us have! It doesnt mean he gets to control and manipulate you! Three months in you have lost nothing so cut him off now.