Can’t forgive H for the baby years.

[MountainSun]

H abandoned me big time during the baby years. No other word for it. He’s a workaholic, I’d moved to another country to be with him so I was completely alone. No friends or family, just my overbearing and bullying in-laws.
I had 3 under 3 (one set twins). It was awful. I barely slept for 5 years, I never had a moment alone, I was bullied by his family, I was basically completely on the edge, then found out he’d been having an affair and I ended up having a nervous breakdown.
At this point, he seemed to realise things were not ok. I had told him repeatedly before this point.
He hired a nanny, confronted his family and ended up cutting ties with all but one of them, and promised to be around more. He said it was an emotional affair only - I don’t believe this, they had texted saying they loved each other and he’d been on multiple work trips with her in the same hotel. I’m not thick. I suppose there’s a chance he’s telling the truth….but not a big one.

This was all 4 years ago. Things are better now - he’s tried very hard to make things right, fully accepted blame for what he put me through, and is kind and attentive.

But I just can’t forgive him. It was all bad but the affair was the proverbial straw. And the whole thing just broke me. I used to be the happiest, most cheerful and positive person you’d meet. Now I’m bitter, miserable, full of resentment and constantly tired.

Had a massive row today because he was complaining about me buying a new bike for one of the kids. I’d bought myself one last month so I can go cycling with them, and at the time he said how nice an idea it was. But since then it’s been constant comments about the cost of the bike. And I just think to myself, after all the fucking shit I went through, and you’re earning £100k a year with no mortgage mainly due to having a fucking drudge at home raising your kids and running all your life admin whilst you gaily built your stupid business up (which I’ve also helped lots with), if I want a nice bike then I’ll fucking have a nice bike.

Instead, I’ve taken a loan out today to pay him back for the bike because I can do without being reminded of the cost of the bike several times a week. He’s predictably said ‘oh no I don’t want your money keep it’ but he’ll bloody have it and much good I hope it does him.

I know I could leave him but we have a nice house here and the kids are happy. He works away most weeks so I muddle along ok. If I leave then we’d be in a much worse house and away from the kids school and friends. It’s never that easy in real life.

But there. Most likely no one will read this but I don’t half feel better for getting it off my chest.

If you're going to stay with him (because the alternative sounds to you no better, which I can see is perfectly reasonable) can you - if you don't already - at least get a joint account?

If so, I'd start saving a certain amount each month, without saying a word about it to him, and don't spend it on impulse buys, just let it accumulate until you feel you have a safety net of sorts.

The bit in your situation that most worries me is that you say "I used to be the happiest, most cheerful and positive person you’d meet. Now I’m bitter, miserable, full of resentment and constantly tired."

And the reason it worries me is two-fold: (a) it sounds to me like you've got a full blown reactive depression, which will need either/or both a 6 month course, at least, as that's how long it takes for them to do their job - of anti-depressants, or a fairly long series of psychotherapy or psychology sessions.

(Been bi-polar all my life, I can promise you all these things can help if you find a practitioner you feel comfortable with - it doesn't help at all if you don't feel any rapport)

and (b) if you're snappy and surly and too tired to join in things or make any effort to be like you used to be (which would be completely understandable) then maybe he'd stop trying to make an effort and want a divorce when you weren't in a head space to deal with that.

It's so unfair, I know - but I think if you can't forgive him you're never going to be happy living with him however much of a drop in living standards you foresee if you leave. And the kids would pick up on that.

I'm tempted to say get legal advice so that if you divorce, you can be sure of at least joint custody of your children.

Sending you lots of cyber support and hugs.

You have to get out of this awful joyless embittering relationship. This is your life! Don't stay. You have talked yourself into staying for the kids, but they are going to grow up with a mother who isn't being authentic, you are modelling an awful example of adult relationships. You are strong, bright, capable, young. Please don't stay.

Don't get a joint account! Save like crazy in your own account. Start developing true friendships with women. Start imagining a life with you at the heart of it, not framed by what he's out you through. Free.

Get some legal advice on your options.

You're selling your one and only life here on planet Earth for a nice house. Do you think it's worth it?

Mine had an affair,…can’t remember when now ,15 ish years ago.
We got past it ,faults on both sides .
Went on to have another baby and get Married .
Like you op ,I would of chosen to be alone ,than have another partner.
It’s hard work being married ,I only put the effort in because he’s the kids dad .
He did let you down during the baby years ,that’s for sure ,but I can’t see what else he could do to make up for it …sounds like he has taken you seriously,cut out toxic family members,and is putting you first .
Your bound to have blips ,he did have an affair,we are in the minority on here for staying after an affair,plenty of times I wish I’d left ,..our situation is quite complicated,so there are genuine reasons why I couldn’t leave .
It will fade in time ,the hurt xxx

@MountainSun

The question is whether the nice home and comfortable lifestyle outweighs your unhappiness?

That’s the thing, isn’t it

Why would you put up with someone who had an affair and begrudges you a bike?

Low self worth probably. Dunno.
It was an expensive bike. I could have got one from Halfords but it was £1100. We can more than easily afford it though. And it’s something I really enjoy and I just wanted a really good bit of kit that would make it a pleasure and that the kids wouldn’t be embarrassed to be seen with me on.

£1100 is actually a very modest price for a bike! A woman I know of specifically sought out a wealthy bloke He earns a vast sum, ( over a million a year) she is set up for life ( as married) but he whinges and moans, and makes her buy Tesco value bleach.

Wealthy people can be tighter than a gnat’s chuff ( as Dad used to say)

If you like the lifestyle, stick with it-

Many women trade off unhappiness for an affluent lifestyle-
Being poor is pants- But what price emotional freedom??

First, you are desperately unhappy. Please consider talking to a professional to sort out your feelings before making any permanent decisions.

Second, once this is done, if you still feel that you cannot be happy with this man, realize that if you are unhappy, your children will pick up on this and be affected by it.

With these two things in mind, there is one third thing. You are studying nursing. Once you have completed your studides, and you know you can care for yourself and your family, and that you are in no way trapped, you may (or may not) see things differently. Wait your final decision until then, please.

"Studies," dammit!

So you are tolerating all this just to not rock the boat and what exactly do you get out of this?!

a nice house with a crappy excuse of a partner. Maybe, has it ever crossed your mind, that you can't forgive him for what happened op because you know it was too big of a thing to come back from. Maybe you cant forgive him because he what he done does not deserve forgiveness!!! He pushed you to the edge and then over it. Anyone else would of walked away and slammed the door in his face but you have stayed. Your self worth has been crushed to non existent to have put up with that and so is the boundary between what you will/wont put up with. By "forgiving" him you have had to sacrifice your self worth. Somethings cant be redeemed op. Not when they are to such a extremity as what he did.

He neglected you

Abandoned you

Let you suffer alone

Made you be a single parent

And then to put the icing on the cake cheated on you. Who knows how there is any coming back from that because alot of people just wouldn't. But you clearly dont want to accept that its crossed a line for you because then you have to accept you cant truly forgive him and that would mean having to leave him

So what happens if you keep placing this situation first and you second, just for him to one day call the shots and say its over? Or what happens if he cheats on you again but this time decides to leave with the other woman? You will be shattered. What would it all be for, what leg would you have to stand on?

You need to get some counselling op to see why you have allowed this man to bring your self worth to this all time low. Maybe if you can find out why and work on it you can build up some self confidence to finally stand up for yourself and leave.

This isnt going to get any better. Resentment and contempt never does. But you dont need me to tell you that, after all this has been festering for years now.

What im saying is stop looking at yourself as if to say why am I the problem why can't I just forgive him like that would be an easy fix and maybe take a hard look at him and see where the true problem lies.

From someone who has been in a similar situation I would say:

1. Prepare for the worst and start a savings pot so that should you decide to leave in the future you have protected yourself. Even if you never use it - just having it there will make you feel better and that you have an escape route should you choose to use it.
2. Consider how your behavior will impact your children. Are you both able to model a good, respectful, loving relationship to them? If so, that's good but if that changes as your resentment grows, think about how that might impact them.
3. Children really benefit from having happy parents, the impact of having depressed and resentful parents is real. I know this is not always possible for many people but if there is a way for you to be happy, then think about the impact that may have on your kids if you won't think about it for yourself.

Take care OP, I feel for you, it's not a nice place to be but people do get through it, there can be a happy ending.

Maybe some counselling on your own may help xx

Seriously you should leave, you will be much better off without him

Start putting money away for yourself. You are earning it.

I appreciate your fears about having to co-parent if you split and losing your lifestyle. How about you start finding a way to not give a shit what he thinks and says. Yes I bought the bike. We can afford it. Unless it's going back there's no need to discuss it further. Etc. Start standing up to him!

You don't need the approval of this liar. Who cares if his family think you're a gold digger? Why do you feel trapped by this?

You only get one life.

What about therapy just for yourself.this is about you getting YOUR feelings met,you confidence back or something less formal like a self care coach.
Would your kids really feel that way.i no it's human nature to want nice things but you've reared them,usually kids see past that and are pretty great at just loving u for you.
Start cycling,maybe join a club,find your happy.let him get pissy it's NOT your problem because u no he's being a dick.you need help with it worth and confidence to not let shit bother u.or to be strong enough inside to not let thing shatter your nerves again and again.that comes with worth,comfort,support,peace can u get help with that or look into how u could find your own slice of the world.

OP, I am surprised, and heartened to see so many responses that understand why you're still there. I did try working out my problems on here once, but just got inundated with ltb, which just isn't feasible at the moment.

I feel as if I exist in a gilded cage, and my dh has done nothing substantially wrong.

I am so in awe that you have a new career/ training, and you definitely have plenty of years to have a content second life.

You absolutely have to start your own stash. At the very least he should be contributing to a pension, but in the event of a divorce his would be taken into consideration too.

I'm so sorry that you had to hit such rock bottom. It's interesting that you don't start questioning when you're in the real crap. It's when you can see a tiny light at the end of the tunnel that you start wondering if there's another way.

I'd get some counseling just for you to talk about everything and decide what you really want.
I'd also make your own life that gives you joy whether through a career, volunteer, friends, etc.

He seems like the type to screw you over with a mid life crisis or right before retirement by running off with a 20 year old.

MountainSun

Also - and this is silly I know
When we married, I meant it for life. His family always said I was an scheming gold digger who would wait until the business took off then divorce him. It would look like they were right

Firstly his family have pushed you into a situation where you probably should leave so they must take some of the blame.

Secondly who gives a Stuff what they think anyway.

Whilst I can see how having the nice house is good and a Dh who works away a lot of the time is good. Ultimately it is up to you if you leave or stay.

Are you in the U.K. or still abroad?

All I can ask is have you thought about him being made redundant, changing jobs or retiring. Will your marriage survive him being around daily and nightly.
What would happen if you get to 10 or 15 or even 20 years from now and he starts another affair.

You have to be comfortable with your choices so make sure you weigh up every scenario.
And also as a wife or ex wife you have your share of the equity from the house.
What is to stop you getting on with your life, making up the shortfall over the next few years and then moving into something similar that you own 100%

Or even getting married again.

Don’t dismiss anything. Keep your options open and if you can start saving. And don’t put yourself down.

You have done amazingly well.

"If we ever broke up I would stay single forever, fuck washing anyone else’s pants I would be more than happy alone forever."

It makes me really sad that you think all men are like this.

It's possible to forgive a Husband for his past bad behaviour., especially as you have kind of worked things out in your marriage now. I would not wreck a relationship because of this.

Op, I can see this man has taken all your hopes and dreams from you, you have forgot what happiness means.

It did't take him long, children still young, he neglected you, abandonned you when you needed him so much to help with the children and had an affair.

No wonder you have utter contempt for him.
How could you possibly respect this horrible selfish twat, because that is what he is, a backstabbing enemy who never thought of you and the children, just his own ego with his buisness and his virility.

Know him and what he is capable of, you think this is the worst that could happen, no it's not, listen to the older posters, they know men like this get worse.
He has shown when you needed him, he wasn't there for you, what will happen in future when you become ill, become old and he feels your usefulness has gone, he is a user.

Keep on with your studies, try to forge your independence, even if you remain and if within your life there are opportunities, take them.

This man is not worth your loyalty, it has done you absolutely no good, being good.
Think of yourself now.

Which ever way you go, you sound like you hate him and I don't blame you. He must know how much you dislike him, unfortunately he got the marriage he deserved, making you desperately unhappy and thinking you could carry on being the same unaffected person.

It's always going to be his loss but he's too stupid to understand.
Think about some consequenses for him.

@Girlmum91

"If we ever broke up I would stay single forever, fuck washing anyone else’s pants I would be more than happy alone forever."

It makes me really sad that you think all men are like this.

It's totally understandable and entirely healthy for the OP to want to be single for the foreseeable future.