Can’t forgive H for the baby years.

[MountainSun]

H abandoned me big time during the baby years. No other word for it. He’s a workaholic, I’d moved to another country to be with him so I was completely alone. No friends or family, just my overbearing and bullying in-laws.
I had 3 under 3 (one set twins). It was awful. I barely slept for 5 years, I never had a moment alone, I was bullied by his family, I was basically completely on the edge, then found out he’d been having an affair and I ended up having a nervous breakdown.
At this point, he seemed to realise things were not ok. I had told him repeatedly before this point.
He hired a nanny, confronted his family and ended up cutting ties with all but one of them, and promised to be around more. He said it was an emotional affair only - I don’t believe this, they had texted saying they loved each other and he’d been on multiple work trips with her in the same hotel. I’m not thick. I suppose there’s a chance he’s telling the truth….but not a big one.

This was all 4 years ago. Things are better now - he’s tried very hard to make things right, fully accepted blame for what he put me through, and is kind and attentive.

But I just can’t forgive him. It was all bad but the affair was the proverbial straw. And the whole thing just broke me. I used to be the happiest, most cheerful and positive person you’d meet. Now I’m bitter, miserable, full of resentment and constantly tired.

Had a massive row today because he was complaining about me buying a new bike for one of the kids. I’d bought myself one last month so I can go cycling with them, and at the time he said how nice an idea it was. But since then it’s been constant comments about the cost of the bike. And I just think to myself, after all the fucking shit I went through, and you’re earning £100k a year with no mortgage mainly due to having a fucking drudge at home raising your kids and running all your life admin whilst you gaily built your stupid business up (which I’ve also helped lots with), if I want a nice bike then I’ll fucking have a nice bike.

Instead, I’ve taken a loan out today to pay him back for the bike because I can do without being reminded of the cost of the bike several times a week. He’s predictably said ‘oh no I don’t want your money keep it’ but he’ll bloody have it and much good I hope it does him.

I know I could leave him but we have a nice house here and the kids are happy. He works away most weeks so I muddle along ok. If I leave then we’d be in a much worse house and away from the kids school and friends. It’s never that easy in real life.

But there. Most likely no one will read this but I don’t half feel better for getting it off my chest.

@JoyLurking9to5

I dont blame you for getting mad that he had an affair and begrudges you a bike.

I love this summing up! Yep that’s about the size of it 😂👍

LTB. Fuck him and his family and what they think.
You can still have a nice house.

And if he is also otherwise a good and loving father and successful person, well then the OP may well end up doing 50/50 and just as unhappy post seperation , albeit in a different way.

Yep, this is absolutely my fear. With me gone, he would soon be clawed back into his toxic family and they would take great delight in poisoning the childrens minds against me. I could not cope - however bad this is, having my children spend half their time under the influence of the truly awful in-laws, and the other half with their miserable and poor mother in a poky house probably wishing that they were back with fun daddy and rich granny would be infinitely worse.

Just have to KOKO I suppose.

I just want to say a truly heartfelt thank you for the replies. I wasnt expecting to have so much kindness and understanding. You are all lovely and have made me feel better, thank you.

You do need to accept the past to be able to move on. Holding a grudge about it is never going to work. It'll just eat away at you inside, until it becomes too much and then breaks the relationship anyway. So if you can't get over the past, you'd probably be best to separate sooner. It's completely your choice if you can forgive or not.

@JoyLurking9to5

Ps, i wasnt good at making friends either when all my energy was used up pretending my homelife was ok. I guess that lack of authenticity put disconnection between me and the people i was trying to chat to.

When i was living more authentically (after i left him) i found i could connect with people more easily.

💐

Yes this is probably very true.

From my own experience, go and see a psychotherapist.
Work on yourself and your boundaries.
Find yourself again, the happy bubbly person that is STILL there if not from a grumpy b*d that is pushing you to take a loan for a bike.

And please don’t think the dcs would préfer to be with him. I doubt he would be a nice dad if he actually had to look after them in his own everyday. Let alone if it was taking time out if his precious business.

Also I suspect it’s not just one snarky comment.

The fact you felt you had to take a loan for the bike is telling me that the pressure he is putting in you is great.
Yes in paper he has made changes. But is it possible he has swapped the ‘Im never there and have an affair’ to ‘I’m here and involved but I’m also controlling and putting you down constantly’.

I have big doubts that he has suddenly become a great dad and husband tbh. I’m more likely to think that he adapted to keep you in line so you stayed.

Get away. Become fun mum again and play the game. Get away though. You are struggling to forgive something that is pretty unforgivable. Listen to your gut.

You say you haven't been that much fun, but when you're trying to do something fun (the bikes) he sucks the joy right out of it.

He cut most, but not all the toxic family.
The affair ended but do you think it was on the way out already?

It reads like he has done just enough to stop you leaving, but you can't ever fully relax in his company.

This was me 3 years ago. I left. Found happiness Gain after 15 years of shit. Its worth it. Found my authentic self

Your children will model your relationships when they grow up. Something worth thinking about.

@AliceW89 I think the same . If you have decided to give it a go then you have to properly forgive him and put it in the past. If every time he does something to annoy you, it brings all the resentment back then you will be miserable forever, it's quite a toxic (but understandable) for both of you.

A wound will never heal if you keep picking at it.

You've decided to stay with him so for this to work you need to start with a clean slate, put the past to bed and properly move forward.

I would actually say "you abandoned me then had an affair and you are begrudging me buying a bike?" Spell it out to him every time the complains unreasonably.

I would leave. It’s a miserable existence and it’s not worth it for a “nice house”. A relationship doesn’t mean you have to “wash someone’s pants” while he cheats on you. Honestly money isn’t worth all that.

The affair ended but do you think it was on the way out already?

I read his phone and found the messages. It was pretty humiliating as they were in his language so I had to ask a local lady here who I’d met to translate them for me. Lots of text speak so Google translate wouldn’t have done it so no choice really. That was a fun afternoon. And another potential friend who just magically melted away, unsurprisingly.

In one of the messages he says that although he does love her, he had to stay with me as they had already discussed. She then persuaded him to drive to hers and talk (an hour away) which he did. It meant missing his daughters 3rd birthday party and leaving me with a whole party to run and a houseful of toddlers and parents. It was a nightmare. He’d told me it was car trouble.

When I suspected the affair, he told me I was mad and imagining it. When I finally got hold of his phone and confronted him he STILL kept on with the ‘you’re paranoid’ Lind until I showed him the screenshots. At which point he shat himself.

Ah, the memories.

@MountainSun

And if he is also otherwise a good and loving father and successful person, well then the OP may well end up doing 50/50 and just as unhappy post seperation , albeit in a different way.

Yep, this is absolutely my fear. With me gone, he would soon be clawed back into his toxic family and they would take great delight in poisoning the childrens minds against me. I could not cope - however bad this is, having my children spend half their time under the influence of the truly awful in-laws, and the other half with their miserable and poor mother in a poky house probably wishing that they were back with fun daddy and rich granny would be infinitely worse.

Just have to KOKO I suppose.

I just want to say a truly heartfelt thank you for the replies. I wasnt expecting to have so much kindness and understanding. You are all lovely and have made me feel better, thank you.

I'm not going to tell you this scenario of you in the grotty house and he the king of the family filled castle wouldn't happen because it definitely could. The horrible in-laws would be the thing that would give me the greatest pause to be honest. And yes children most of all want love and kindness and boundaries and warmth but they also like stuff and going nice places and living in a really nice home. This doesn't make them superficial, just human. I am not saying this to dissuade you from leaving at all, just providing a counterpoint. I'm 6 years post seperation, the good times have been wonderful and authentic, the bad times really awful but the crucial thing is that I didn't love my exhusband at all anymore so I felt I simply COULDN'T stay. If I had had residual love for him, if he had tried really hard for a period of time like your husband largely has, maybe I could have chosen that path and I think it would have been ok, evenly good occasionally and certainly doeable until the children were reared. A very basic question but do you still love him?

God don't put up with this. Life is VERY short. You will be happier alone and you might met someone who actually washes their own fucking pants.

He's a bully whose financially abusing you if you've gotten to the point of getting an actual loan to pay your own H back for a bike you bought for your child. He doesn't sound kind and attentive, just kind and attentive compared to the utter arsehole he'd been before. And in that context he's still an arsehole. I couldn't forget any of what he did either OP, you're a bloody saint. You could do a lot better for endless reasons.

Sorry but there’s only one loser in this relationship, and is not him

I'd have an affair to even the score and feel no way about it. And I wouldnt get caught.

@JoyLurking9to5

Ps, i wasnt good at making friends either when all my energy was used up pretending my homelife was ok. I guess that lack of authenticity put disconnection between me and the people i was trying to chat to.

When i was living more authentically (after i left him) i found i could connect with people more easily.

💐

This was absolutely my experience too. People could just tell something was off. It was very lonely.

If I have one regret it is actually that we spent so long in couples counselling. It kind of put a sticking plaster over a relationship that was completely broken. OP I would find a good therapist for yourself. Get someone you can trust to talk to and take your time in making a decision.

You have tried to forgive something that's unforgivable, and understandably you can't. Nobody can predict exactly how things would turn out if you left him, but the problem is, can you really stay in this marriage forever, drowning in bitterness, and forever wondering what it woild have been like if you'd left?

Resentment lasts a lifetime. But you can be happy again.

The affair was four years ago. He has kept to all of your conditions. You do not have to forgive and forget, but it is not constructive to use the affair as a bargaining chip or when you need to score a point.

Your arguments about money are not a result of his affair. You need a joint bank account, so you can take what you want for the kids and family expenses.

I totally agree with @HellToTheNope

Your resentment will eat away at you like cancer.

As you said: I used to be the happiest, most cheerful and positive person you’d meet. Now I’m bitter, miserable, full of resentment and constantly tired.

It seems clear to me you have a choice to make - and you know this - leave him, set your own path to building back to the person you used to be, or remain with him for your ‘nice house’ etc, and remain the ‘half-person’ you have become.

Sure there might be an inconvenient new girlfriend / wife to contend with. But by remaining with him, you will be faced daily with the reminder of him and his dispicable conduct towards you. You will have to struggle everyday as to how not to burn with resentment. It is no way to live. Nor an example for your children.

If you have come to Mumsnet seeking a begrudging endorsement that you are doing the best in the circumstances, or your choice is reasonable given your challenges, you won’t find it from me. You need higher aspirations for yourself and your children.