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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've left after my husband assaulted a child - reeling and need help!

126 replies

Help19376 · 03/04/2022 00:28

Hi everyone. Been reading some threads here and hoping for some advice. I know I've done the right thing really, but the gaslighting is strong and I'm just finding it really tough.

Short version of the story is, husband and I have been on the rocks for a while (truthfully since our child was born 6 years ago). We haven't had sex at all, he hasn't a job or any friends and does very little in the house. Has a pattern of never taking responsibility for any of these things and getting very angry when asked to.

Last week he physically assaulted a kid from our child's school in the play park and gor into a verbal altercation with the kids mum (sustained shouting and screaming in her face, pointing his finger in her face etc). I intervened, got him away from her and let her know inwould support whatever action she wanted to take going forward. There were several other kids present including ours, 2 of whom were in our child's class.

I left that night and stayed with a friend. I returned to our home the next day to tell him we were done and he needed to leave. He:

  • told me I was too crazy to be trusted with our child and if I was going to split uo the family he would need 100% custody to protect them from me
  • said he would take our child to his home country
  • said he had spent years dealing with my anger and it was rich for me to leave after 1 event
  • changed tack and said would I reconsider if he admitted himself to psych hospital.
  • said he was suicidal and shouldn't be alone

I got him a cab to a and e for psych assessment and predictably they didnt admit him. Since then he has not left the house.

The school are aware after i told them everything and are very supportive. My child and I are with my family 200 miles away. Women's aid said my response is proportionate and legally I will be in no trouble; after i told them what he did and also some details about the relationship they said it was abusive and I can therefore also call on Monday morning and seek a refuge place.

I am reeling with having to face that this was an abusive relationship. He is doubling down on centring himself, saying I don't care about his feelings and am punishing him. I'm terrified of having nowhere to go and of the impact on our child.

Sorry if this is garbled, am sleep deprived and anxious. Any help gratefully received!

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 03/04/2022 10:34

You are definitely doing the right thing and, for the time being, 200 miles away at your parents is definitely right.

Keep it all up, take all the help you can get and good luck.

BluebellsGreenbells · 03/04/2022 10:36

Do you work? Is the house rented?

You need to think practically here, I’m surprised you’ve managed 6 years with this waster!

Embracelife · 03/04/2022 10:36

He will always be the victim in his eyes
You need to protect you and your dc
He is an adult
Don't feel any guilt

Schmz · 03/04/2022 10:43

Block him - everything you quote him as saying sounds fishy / gaslighting

Report the child assault incident

Don’t engage with him on any level -
Because that is how you can safeguard your child

Refuse any contact from him to your child - under safeguarding concerns

Report him to social services duty desk / police if there is any chance he could come
Near your child due to safeguarding

Bananalanacake · 03/04/2022 10:44

I would leave him for the not working, is he not able to work in this country.

Theforkistootall · 03/04/2022 10:44

Definitely report it. Explain to the witnesses how important it is keep your child safe. You need everything you can get.

Firstly, see a solicitor. They are super helpful, and will usually do an initial free consult.

Secondly, you are probably going to need to get into your house again. You need the paperwork, at the very least. It’s amazingly helpful that a lot is online now, but there will always be something. Womens aid can presumably advise on this, but DON’T do it alone. Take multiple people, and either the police or some other people who are experienced in dealing with violence and won’t be intimidated by him. Preferably men (not because women are any less capable of dealing with men like him if they have the skills and experience, but because men like him have no respect for women as people and are more likely to comply with men. It’s on him)

How is your housing sorted - rented, or mortgage? Talk to the landlord or the mortgage people and figure out a plan to get yourself off the tenancy, especially if it’s a mortgage. You need to protect your credit rating if you will want another mortgage in future. You may need to pay the mortgage, which will annoyingly protect his credit ratting, but he’s sitting pretty in the house, so can afford to hold that over you.

Find some money. You will need to get yourself set up in a new home, at least, and possibly take him to court. You will have to go through the charade of mediation, but with a man like that, it will be charade, because he doesn’t really believe he has done anything wrong (even if he pretends to be sorry to her what he wants now. Which is control over you)

Write him a letter telling him all this in purely factual, objective terms. Then block him. There is nothing useful to be had from communicating with him. He will spend literal years dragging the whole thing out and wildly swinging between being desperate to have you back, and wishing you dead. And everything in between. He simply can’t believe he doesn’t have the authority to choose whether you go or stay and will do anything to prove to himself he has power over you, it’s not (and never was) about you. There’s no point going up against someone like that. In your head he needs to be an abusive ex partner now. Don’t let him try and wheedle his way back in, or give him ammunition to make you angry. He can communicate with via your solicitor and the court mediation service. That will keep his bullying to a minimum or expose it. Either is desirable.

Personally I would stay 200 miles away. And I’d leave a key down there with someone you trust, too. If he turns up at yours and you need to get into the house, someone can do it then knowing he’ll be out for a while.

The only reason I would keep in contact is if you want or need the house or something in it and you don’t think there is any other way to get it. But I’d be VERY careful. Remember he believes he has absolute authority over you and your child, and you have defied him. This isn’t even a conscious belief, and he probably says otherwise, and justifies it by saying he is right and you are being irrational/mentally unstable/he needs you/you’re hormonal/he just loves you so much and wants what’s best for you blah blah blah. It is likely he will expect penance from you. He may even feel entitled to punish you. (Not necessarily physical violence, but possibly. Your defiance of his perceived authority may cause him to escalate). These beliefs are so fundamental to him, he won’t even be able to verbalise them, but they are there. I spent years dealing with this, and it would have been so much easier to just block him. Nothing useful came out the thousands of texts, it just held me back emotionally and used energy and time I could have spent starting over. I couldn’t block him because he had unsupervised contact with our child. Now, I would temporarily silence his texts etc, but you couldn’t do it back then. Believe me, he has nothing to say you need to hear, because he doesn’t actually believe you are an equal person to him.

Lastly, get some counselling. This is tough. I’m still dealing with it and it was 8 years ago, and mine wasn’t actually very abusive, mostly just controlling while pretending (I think also genuinely believing) he wasn’t.

Hang tough. Women can do hard things. You’ve got some tough months coming up, but if you put your energy in the right places, you can be rid of him and set up on your own with your child in 18 months, even with going to court over the house. Don’t communicate at all, do the paperwork the moment it hits your doormat and start over. You’ve done the hardest part, now it’s just seeing it through. Much love, and feel free to DM me if I can help.

SecretDoor · 03/04/2022 10:48

"He's telling me that the mental health crisis team told him that a) he's not a threat to either of us and b) I need to seek help because my reaction is overblown. I am aware this could just be lies, but it's living rent free in my head and making me doubt myself"

I work in A&E and this is definitely not what would have been said . The team should have completed a safeguarding report if they were made aware children were involved and/or live in the same house as someone threatening suicide

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/04/2022 10:51

I’d definitely encourage the other mum to report him and if she didn’t then I would. Putting hands around a child’s throat is chilling. He’s a menace.
Good luck

AfraidToRun · 03/04/2022 10:51

He wants you to believe you're special and that he would never hur you physically (I'm absolutely convinced he will have hurt you spiritually, mentally and emotionally if not also sexually and financially too). The truth is he absolutely would hurt you but he believes he doesn't have to as you've already towed the line up until now. It's a major reason why women are at such a risk when they leave, the abuser tries all the secretive hard to explain to other tactics of manipulation, guilt tripping, gas lighting, concealed threats and when that doesn't work like it used to they escalate. Please do not go back because he will make things much worse for you. The future is uncertain but it will be much better than being with him.

howrudeforme · 03/04/2022 11:02

I had the gaslighting and threats to take our DS ‘back’ to his country.

I contacted reuinite international and they were super helpful.

It took me years to leave because of the threats. He now says ‘he was joking’ well his joke destroyed my soul and affected my health.

Use statements from the family of the victim to ensure you get full custody.

Help19376 · 03/04/2022 11:12

Thanks all for the responses - managed to get to sleep around 3.30am so just checking in now.

I will report it then. I didn't know that was an option. I don't know why the other mum didn't - I know it I would have done - but I can see she might have thought she was protecting the kids and me. Our school is a very small and tight-knit community and she may have thought she was protecting that. I also would have worried what he was like at home in her shoes as others said. I'm also surprised the school haven't reported it to SS. I thought they would have to, and it was one of the thoughts in my head on the night that if I didn't leave then they would see that (rightly) as me putting our child at risk.

I'll also look into port alerts and what to do if he tries to get a passport for his home country made for our child.

I'm speaking to WA again first thing Monday and have a legal adviser meeting on Tues so I'll run through all this with them as well.

Thank you all so much. This is so helpful.

OP posts:
Help19376 · 03/04/2022 11:14

I am lucky in the sense that I work and we own both our house and a rental property outright. So as long as they can be sold and the assets split, I'm not going to be destitute by any means. But he has cadhflow that I don't because his mum sends him money every month (I know)

OP posts:
Changechangychange · 03/04/2022 11:18

@NdefH81

* The school might have raised it and reported it, though. What makes you think they haven’t?*

@Blimecory

This happened last week.
You don’t think the police may have been in contact by now if it has been reported?

OP is 200 miles away. How would she know either way if she hasn’t spoken to the other parent?

If you mean because the police haven’t been round to take a statement from her, that doesn’t mean anything. It can take weeks for the police to take witness statements.

NdefH81 · 03/04/2022 11:21

* If you mean because the police haven’t been round to take a statement from her, that doesn’t mean anything. It can take weeks for the police to take witness statements.*

Not when a child has been assaulted

forrestgreen · 03/04/2022 11:23

Does he have the right to stay in the country when the marriage ends

Catastrophejane · 03/04/2022 11:47

You don’t need the mother to ‘press charges’. You can call the police and report the incident.

They will then investigate and speak to everyone involved.

It’s Important this incident is reported for your safety and to have an official record of his behaviour should he cause problems in the future.

Emmelina · 03/04/2022 12:03

Wow, wow.
Were the police not involved at all? If another parent was choking out one of my children on the school playground I’d hope police were called by multiple people! Are you able to report it yourself? Shocked the other boy’s mother didn’t press charges too.
Make sure that passport is locked away. Maybe get it secured elsewhere so he doesn’t turn your house upside down to find it. He is a dangerous man.

Fundays12 · 03/04/2022 12:10

OP please report this yourself to protect your own kids long term to ensure that he does not get unsupervised visits. You need to evidence why he isn't safe around kids to the courts to ensure he is either kept away from them or only allowed supervised social work or supervised contact centre visitors.

You have done the right thing. This man is a huge risk to you all and other kids. Please do not let him make you believe you are obligated to him. Your obligation is to protect yourself and your kids. Social work will be satisfied you have realised he is a huge risk to your kids and removed them so will support you to keep them safe.

Nietzschethehiker · 03/04/2022 12:14

I quote literally teach safeguarding to DSL and SLT and safeguarding managers of all sorts and there are a hundred reasons someone may report. Frankly anyone who naively thinks every school will do the right thing is talking complete and utter tosh. It's not remotely an indication that something said is untrue. We have no way of absolute knowledge here but with what we do know there are lots of reasons while people don't report.

Most are legitimate. I see hundreds of safeguarding leads a year and there is a wide range of levels of ability. Even if the school does know about it many will not see it as their issue as it wasn't on their grounds, many will simply not have the capacity or knowledge and ability to deal with it properly . There are many reasons why the other mother may not report.

OP you have done the right thing, I concur with others , report the incident yourself you need the protection of the issue being seen and recorded.

Blimecory · 03/04/2022 12:22

@Emmelina

Wow, wow. Were the police not involved at all? If another parent was choking out one of my children on the school playground I’d hope police were called by multiple people! Are you able to report it yourself? Shocked the other boy’s mother didn’t press charges too. Make sure that passport is locked away. Maybe get it secured elsewhere so he doesn’t turn your house upside down to find it. He is a dangerous man.
It wasn’t in the school playground.
howrudeforme · 03/04/2022 12:38

@Help19376. Reunite international. Google them. They will advise.

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2022 13:10

Abusers like yo try to convince you that 'everyone' or that professionals on the subject feel you are in the wrong/the bad guy about things.

No way would that mental health team have said anything about you. When you're dealing with a man who is mentally unstable, you don't tell him his wife is the issue and send him home to her. It would be a safeguarding issue big time.

I'd have no further contact with him outwith a solicitor tbh. Speak with social services and the police. Go all in. Because tbh he shouldn't be around your child at all. I'd also encourage the mother to report what happened to her child.

Pinkbonbon · 03/04/2022 13:11

*abusers like him

HelloBunny · 03/04/2022 20:42

Hate this “wow” thing...
Just because someone wouldn’t do the same thing as you, for their own reasons.

Help19376 · 04/04/2022 00:48

@howrudeforme that link is super helpful, thank you. I'm going to complete the forms and speak to my solicitor about it.

Thank you to everyone for encouraging me to report. I will let you know how it goes.

OP posts: