I've left after my husband assaulted a child - reeling and need help!

[Help19376]

Hi everyone. Been reading some threads here and hoping for some advice. I know I've done the right thing really, but the gaslighting is strong and I'm just finding it really tough.

Short version of the story is, husband and I have been on the rocks for a while (truthfully since our child was born 6 years ago). We haven't had sex at all, he hasn't a job or any friends and does very little in the house. Has a pattern of never taking responsibility for any of these things and getting very angry when asked to.

Last week he physically assaulted a kid from our child's school in the play park and gor into a verbal altercation with the kids mum (sustained shouting and screaming in her face, pointing his finger in her face etc). I intervened, got him away from her and let her know inwould support whatever action she wanted to take going forward. There were several other kids present including ours, 2 of whom were in our child's class.

I left that night and stayed with a friend. I returned to our home the next day to tell him we were done and he needed to leave. He:

• told me I was too crazy to be trusted with our child and if I was going to split uo the family he would need 100% custody to protect them from me

• said he would take our child to his home country

• said he had spent years dealing with my anger and it was rich for me to leave after 1 event

• changed tack and said would I reconsider if he admitted himself to psych hospital.

• said he was suicidal and shouldn't be alone

I got him a cab to a and e for psych assessment and predictably they didnt admit him. Since then he has not left the house.

The school are aware after i told them everything and are very supportive. My child and I are with my family 200 miles away. Women's aid said my response is proportionate and legally I will be in no trouble; after i told them what he did and also some details about the relationship they said it was abusive and I can therefore also call on Monday morning and seek a refuge place.

I am reeling with having to face that this was an abusive relationship. He is doubling down on centring himself, saying I don't care about his feelings and am punishing him. I'm terrified of having nowhere to go and of the impact on our child.

Sorry if this is garbled, am sleep deprived and anxious. Any help gratefully received!

I would never allow him to see your child again. Do whatever it takes to keep him away.

My ex Dh was arrested for coercive and controlling behaviour for all the comments you stated above. When I went to refuge group meetings almost every single bloke and one woman (two women relationships) had come out with almost identical sentences, it’s the abusers script and is frighteningly common. He can’t come back once arrested. If he part owns the house that can be sorted when he out and you’re safe. The police will turn a blind eye to an ‘oh I lost my keys so needed an emergency lock change.
The NCDV www.ncdv.org.uk/
will help with a free non molestation order.
Report his assault on another child to the police at the same time. It will be you and your child next,
Stay safe. 💐

Please report whT he did to the child. Its important for that child, for you and for the safety of others. Please write down what you saw now pr soon, so you don't forgwt. Try to write down just facts about what you saw. As if you were observing something of neutral emotion.. just facts, statements, observations. It will help.

@Nanny0gg

Can you afford to see a solicitor?

You definitely need to get away from him.

Were the police involved?

Good luck

Worth checking if there's legal cover included in any home insurance you might have, as that may help with the relevant legal costs, although it may be complicated if the policy is in joint names.

Report the assault on the child to the police yourself;they will automatically make a referral to social services who'll not allow him unsupervised access to your child and will mean he'll have to leave the family home.

O God I feel sick. The seriousness and the horror of it all is hitting me in waves. I felt like I was in the wrong to even tell him I was scared when it happened - he looked at me like I was crazy and literally said 'but...you're not her! [The other mum] I'd never hurt you!' as though he genuinely didn't see anything wrong with that way of thinking. I know logically that he's dangerous, I just can't match that up with the idea of him that I had (and everyone had, I think).

I need to harden my heart and see that I'm protecting everyone by reporting him. It all just feels like some surreal nightmare, and he still seems to think he's the victim.

Contact the passport office. There’s a way to get it flagged if he tries to report the passport as lost and get another one.

Yes report 💐

Then think about your future. Do you want to stay near your family? Is that viable for you? Seek counselling both for yourself and your child.

Don’t correspond with him other than in writing.

Can you ask the other mum to press charges? It will help you in the long run to at least have an independent record of his behaviour with the police.
In the meantime, don’t believe anything he says regarding advice from psychiatric hospital. He probably wasn’t even seen by a psychiatrist or psychologist, but a resident doctor who would only have been responding to the information he was being given by your STBXH. (He would have totally underplayed everything - if he spoke to anyone at all.)

You’ve done the right thing op.
Stay strong.

I would report him if the parent didn't, the assault on the child will go in your favour if he is convicted. I'm surprised that the school haven't reported it under safeguarding.

PS It was Mumsnet that helped me leave, I’m happy and safe five years down the line. 💐

Tell the police, speak to your GP, change all your passwords to all your accounts immediately
Take digital stamping of photographs and shut down your social media to private.
If you have a joint account, open a new one and have all your finances and benefits paid into there
and ask for an ex parte nom to be granted against him - apply to the court within 7 days of incident
Or a nmo if 7 days has passed

@RonaldMcDonald

Tell the police, speak to your GP, change all your passwords to all your accounts immediately Take digital stamping of photographs and shut down your social media to private. If you have a joint account, open a new one and have all your finances and benefits paid into there and ask for an ex parte nom to be granted against him - apply to the court within 7 days of incident Or a nmo if 7 days has passed

Hi OP

Do all of this.

And please please report the choking /strangling to the police and also to your local social services children & families team /NSPCC.

I really hope the poor kids mother has already put this in motion.

He should not be near any child.

Good luck OP and well done on getting away

@HellToTheNope

I would never allow him to see your child again. Do whatever it takes to keep him away.

I agree... he could go underground with the child...Whether or not his country is part of the Hague Convention or not.

There is a whole network of those from these countries that work together to ensure that the child is taken from the country and returned to the country of their fathers.

Passports can be arranged etc. I would personally get a protective order against him. He is unstable. And we all know that the most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she attempts to leave the relationship!

he hasn't a job or any friends and does very little in the house. Has a pattern of never taking responsibility for any of these things and getting very angry when asked to.
.............................

He knows that he will be on his own. He will grow more and more desperate by the hour/day.

I am worried for you OP... and your child. Be very diligent in protecting both of you. He has a lot to lose. This is a time for you to find the strength you never knew that you had.

OP, just want to chip in and say you are doing the right thing. Of course you will question and wonder if you are but you absolutely are. Try to imagine your life 5 years from now if you don’t leave and what he could be doing/have done.
Solace will help you but you must try and get evidence that he is a danger to children. Things WILL be ok, stay strong-you are protecting your child and making sure they don’t grow up seeing an abused and frightened mother. You can totally do this. X

Contact the police. I'm not sure but I think I remember threads saying there's no such thing as "wanting to press charges" as it's up to the CPS based on police reports. Report what happened and let the police take it from there.

@RonaldMcDonald

Tell the police, speak to your GP, change all your passwords to all your accounts immediately Take digital stamping of photographs and shut down your social media to private. If you have a joint account, open a new one and have all your finances and benefits paid into there and ask for an ex parte nom to be granted against him - apply to the court within 7 days of incident Or a nmo if 7 days has passed

This. Also, Raise a port alert. Do it now. Can he apply for a passport for your child from his home country? Has he already? Speak to school about abduction risk (Hague or no Hague, once out the country, things are not simple). Although he has PR and school technically shouldn’t stop him from picking child up, they can put measures in place if there is a safeguarding risk. Ring the police - CPS may decide to charge even though the mother in question won’t. Check yours and child’s stuff for trackers - anything that goes with you to work, school, ballet lessons, rugby etc - check and double check. Consider an NMO (one that covers your child too) but be ready for things to escalate when you do. Trust your gut and lower your threshold for seeking help - police, GP, etc. In stressful situations more than anything, adrenaline will get you through but also support around you. Good luck.

Wow - I'm open mouthed reading your situation. Sorry I don't have any practical advice (other than see a solicitor asap!) but:

I know you must be going through hell right now but you sound bloody amazing - you come across so strong and sensible.

He sounds awful. I would say you've been in an abusive relationship for quite some time and the scales have finally fallen completely from your eyes due to the public nature of his...I don't know...culmination of anger? Breakdown? Whatever it is - people who need MH Intervention don't generally offer to admit themselves to a psych ward. That's just him trying to manipulate you. He's gone too far now and he knows it so is pulling whatever he can out of his arse to try to 1. appease you and 2. Frighten you when the appeasement isn't working,

You're doing the right thing Op - you KNOW this. It's just going to be hard for a while but you WILL be free of him.
You and your dc surely can't feel safe around this man? He sounds unhinged.

It’s so easy to start to doubt yourself. I didn’t press ahead with reporting my ex. He committed GBH on someone afterwards. Please report. You’re not underestimating. Right now it’s a nightmare but in by time you and DC can be safe and happy.

This is why women find it so hard to leave, it’s the threat... Especially to take the child / make out that you are the crazy one. I feel terrible for you OP. It’s never black & white.

My DH is pushing me to the limits with his anger, but still claims that the issue is me pushing his buttons. It’s unbearable & I’m close to the end of my marriage. I understand.

(Haven't RTFT). Ha...100% custody, yeah let him try. I hope you know he would never ever get 100%. He'd probably be lucky with 2 hours in a contact centre once a month.
Crikey what a shit of a man.
Well done to you for removing yourself and children from situation.
Here's a hug &

Eyes on the prize, a year from now life will look a lot better for you and your children. You will get there x

Well done for leaving, OP.

What is the housing situation, do you both own the house or rent?

A mother watched her child being choked and didn't ring the police? That sounds odd at best.