I've left after my husband assaulted a child - reeling and need help!

[Help19376]

Hi everyone. Been reading some threads here and hoping for some advice. I know I've done the right thing really, but the gaslighting is strong and I'm just finding it really tough.

Short version of the story is, husband and I have been on the rocks for a while (truthfully since our child was born 6 years ago). We haven't had sex at all, he hasn't a job or any friends and does very little in the house. Has a pattern of never taking responsibility for any of these things and getting very angry when asked to.

Last week he physically assaulted a kid from our child's school in the play park and gor into a verbal altercation with the kids mum (sustained shouting and screaming in her face, pointing his finger in her face etc). I intervened, got him away from her and let her know inwould support whatever action she wanted to take going forward. There were several other kids present including ours, 2 of whom were in our child's class.

I left that night and stayed with a friend. I returned to our home the next day to tell him we were done and he needed to leave. He:

• told me I was too crazy to be trusted with our child and if I was going to split uo the family he would need 100% custody to protect them from me

• said he would take our child to his home country

• said he had spent years dealing with my anger and it was rich for me to leave after 1 event

• changed tack and said would I reconsider if he admitted himself to psych hospital.

• said he was suicidal and shouldn't be alone

I got him a cab to a and e for psych assessment and predictably they didnt admit him. Since then he has not left the house.

The school are aware after i told them everything and are very supportive. My child and I are with my family 200 miles away. Women's aid said my response is proportionate and legally I will be in no trouble; after i told them what he did and also some details about the relationship they said it was abusive and I can therefore also call on Monday morning and seek a refuge place.

I am reeling with having to face that this was an abusive relationship. He is doubling down on centring himself, saying I don't care about his feelings and am punishing him. I'm terrified of having nowhere to go and of the impact on our child.

Sorry if this is garbled, am sleep deprived and anxious. Any help gratefully received!

It sounds as if you know you should have left a long time ago. This was just the last straw.

@allinadaystwerk

This is a safeguarding concern. The school should have raised it as one and reported. Doesn't matter what op or other child's mother say a child has been assaulted by an adult ant school worth its salt would report this. I'm shocked it hasn't been.

The school might have raised it and reported it, though. What makes you think they haven’t?

@MsTSwift

The other mother might reasonably have felt the matter was dealt with at the time, the op was obviously taking it seriously and she doesn’t want to put op or her child through any further stress and to put an unpleasant incident behind them. I don’t think her actions odd or unreasonable at all.

As a mother If your child was assaulted by an adult Do you honestly think the adult who assaulted your child, screaming in your face and jabbing his finger at you constitutes the situation being “dealt with”

@MsTSwift

* The school might have raised it and reported it, though. What makes you think they haven’t?*

@Blimecory

This happened last week.
You don’t think the police may have been in contact by now if it has been reported?

@MsTSwift
You seriously would not report an assault on your child by an adult to save someone else feelings? Really?

You know that you can report him to the Police yourself OP? You may not want to as the child's mother hasn't, but it could be that she doesn't want to cause more trouble for you, and in turn you don't want to cause trouble for her. Meanwhile he is free to do it again.
Once reported (by anyone) it's the job of the Police to gather evidence and decide whether he will be charged. Regardless of who reported it the mother can't decide whether or not to 'press charges', that's down to the Police and courts. She doesn't have to speak to Police though, which would mean less evidence to bring formal charges against him.

Someone said up thread if he's arrested he can't return to the family home. That's not strictly true; if he's released without charge he can. However even if he wasn't charged the details would be on record which social services, and the courts, take seriously when it comes to child protection.

You've done the right thing in getting away, he clearly is a danger to others.
You're safe just now. Take some time to consider the advice on this thread.

The school would report to SS, not necessarily the police.

Some mothers would have reported to the police. Others for complex reasons might not.

Personally, I would report, but I won’t judge someone for making a different decision.

As PP have said, the OP can and should report herself.

OP well done and stay strong I’m sure some days the doubts will be louder than others, but keep going. One day you will have no doubts at all and can tell yourself and your child that you did the right thing.

I would report personally but I wouldn’t negatively judge someone else for not reporting. They know their child - being questioned etc might really upset them more. I think it’s unfair to criticise the other family.

You are doing the right thing getting yourself and your child to safety. The other protections - reporting to police etc - you will be able to do as you recover. Glad you have family and Women's Aid supporting you. He is dangerous and you must protect yourself and your child. Stay strong.

The first, most important thing for you to remember is that wherever you are, is home and security for your child. If you spend time in a refuge, you can make that feel OK for your child. There will be lots of positives for your child, not least other children to play with, and he/she will be happy because you are there.
This man is a danger to your child and to others, and probably to you, and you need to report the incident to the police. This evidence will help you in a custody situation. Nothing apart from your safety and that of your child actually matters. Don't worry about the relationship between your child and his/her father. That is his problem, not yours. Just don't badmouth him to your child. There are gentle ways to explain things to a child. You need to prioritise you and your child just now. Take care of yourself.

See a solicitor asap. He’s dangerous. You could report him to the police.

I need to seek help because my reaction is overblown
There's no way a&e said this, he's trying to gaslight you. Stay away and stay safe.

The only reason why a mother wouldn’t report their child being assaulted and then a man shouting in their face and jabbing their finger at you is because the incident didn’t happen or not nearly to that level of severity described by the op

Rubbish. There are several reasons why someone wouldn’t report it. It’s wrong if you to minimise, gaslight or accuse the OP of lying.

@NdefH81

Or they are scared

Either the mother is scared to report. Or scared for OP and thinks he might be worse at home. That would be my thoughts if I was her. Yes I would report when you can, I’m glad to see you are trying to leave him. He sounds awful x

Fear of reprisals is why lots of people don't report crimes. This is why men are threatening and abusive. To make it easier to get away with it as people are scared to calm on someone who can do something about it.

*call

Well-done for getting away. Do you also need to be aware of any of his family?

Thinking of you OP and wishing you well. This is bound to be a very confusing time for you - notwithstanding the chaos we are all living in. You seem to have you and your child protected which is a great thing. You are dealing with things and it will take time. Very best of luck.

Is he in the family home now? Is it possible for you both to stay where you are with your family in the short term? Well done for getting out so quick

Stop engaging with him else he will get in your head - send him one last text saying you need some space and to please not contact you.

Make sure you keep and screenshot every message as he can delete messages on WhatsApp so you’ll have no proof.

He will use lots of different tactics like making you feel guilty and then getting angry - you need all of this proof if it ever goes to court.

If it ever does go to court you can say you want supervised access and considering he’s a flight risk and would hurt a child then they would agree with you.

I’m really surprised the mum isn’t pressing charges.
The only reason I can think of is because she’s afraid of the repercussions - he sounds very aggress and has no issues with hurting a child and I too would be worried he’s going to come for my child if I got on the wrong side of him.

I would be tempted to send her or a friend of hers a message to say that you have broken up with him and if they choose to press charges you will absolutely support her and give evidence.

I should think the police will remove him from your home if you report the assault and complain that his comments are making you fear for the safety of you and your child because he appears to be violent and his behaviour is erratic.

Well done. Please report to police.