I've left after my husband assaulted a child - reeling and need help!

[Help19376]

Hi everyone. Been reading some threads here and hoping for some advice. I know I've done the right thing really, but the gaslighting is strong and I'm just finding it really tough.

Short version of the story is, husband and I have been on the rocks for a while (truthfully since our child was born 6 years ago). We haven't had sex at all, he hasn't a job or any friends and does very little in the house. Has a pattern of never taking responsibility for any of these things and getting very angry when asked to.

Last week he physically assaulted a kid from our child's school in the play park and gor into a verbal altercation with the kids mum (sustained shouting and screaming in her face, pointing his finger in her face etc). I intervened, got him away from her and let her know inwould support whatever action she wanted to take going forward. There were several other kids present including ours, 2 of whom were in our child's class.

I left that night and stayed with a friend. I returned to our home the next day to tell him we were done and he needed to leave. He:

• told me I was too crazy to be trusted with our child and if I was going to split uo the family he would need 100% custody to protect them from me

• said he would take our child to his home country

• said he had spent years dealing with my anger and it was rich for me to leave after 1 event

• changed tack and said would I reconsider if he admitted himself to psych hospital.

• said he was suicidal and shouldn't be alone

I got him a cab to a and e for psych assessment and predictably they didnt admit him. Since then he has not left the house.

The school are aware after i told them everything and are very supportive. My child and I are with my family 200 miles away. Women's aid said my response is proportionate and legally I will be in no trouble; after i told them what he did and also some details about the relationship they said it was abusive and I can therefore also call on Monday morning and seek a refuge place.

I am reeling with having to face that this was an abusive relationship. He is doubling down on centring himself, saying I don't care about his feelings and am punishing him. I'm terrified of having nowhere to go and of the impact on our child.

Sorry if this is garbled, am sleep deprived and anxious. Any help gratefully received!

@Chikapu maybe because OP intervened quickly. And the other mum could be pressing charges.

I’m the product of a violent childhood with lots of anger. It really screwed me up. I’m so proud of you for taking control. X

It's really important you report it, as having this on record will protect you and your child if he tries to go through family courts as it's proof he's dangerous.

If it's not on record then it's just your word against his and he will lie, won't he.

So the other mother hasn’t taken any action at all against your husband?

How old was the child he attacked? Despicable behaviour, I agree with telling the police, abusers don't care that you're their flesh and blood when the red mist takes over, he will do the same to your DC

I don't understand why he wasn't arrested at the time.

We don’t have “pressing charges” in England. You report to the police and they / CPS decide whether to proceed or not.

Good advice on this thread can’t really advise but I would be very careful here increasingly erratic behaviour and his cushy life at your expense coming to an end he won’t like that.

Try reunite.org for advice on him potentially taking the child out of the country.

Good for you, op, for being strong enough to do the right thing and for supporting the woman and child assaulted. It's not easy when you've been together so long.
I wouldn't believe what he says honestly, he'll say anything at this point to pull you back in, stay strong. You and your child will be happier and better off without this aggressive man in your lives

You’ve absolutely done the right thing OP, don’t let his gaslighting get to you. He is a very dangerous man.

I find it very strange that the school did not call the police/safeguarding team about a child being strangled in their playground and a man threatening another mum.

I haven’t read the full thread yet but I’ll forget what I wanted to add if I don’t post it
Stop communicating with him face to face or on the phone
Do everything by email and you will have evidence of any gaslighting or coercion.
Use BIFF; businesslike; informative; firm; friendly. I struggle with friendly even now, 6 years on. But initially it was my emotions and opinions. He was the opposite. Though he’d say things when there were no witnesses.
As soon as my emails became more formal, he let some of his colours show.
This gave me evidence for my lawyer and, probably most importantly, I was able to objectively finally see that he was abusive and it wasn’t all in my head.

My local council have a domestic and sexual abuse team (DASAT) is this something other areas have too? I was made aware of them by Womens Aid but although I made contact once I didn’t follow up.
My XH had been coercive and controlling and had sexually abused me but, although I’d been told this on mn pretty much as soon as he left (my thread will be searchable under this username), I couldn’t/didn’t process or acknowledge this for many months. I went to Womens Aid and told my story about 6 months after he left and they very kindly but starkly told me I’d been controlled, coerced, sexually abused and raped. I can’t begin to describe how it felt to be told that. It had happened to me over many years and I didn’t see it. I chose not to report him to the police because I had no evidence other than my own memories which, after being gaslighted for 2 decades, I no longer trusted.

Please access some counselling or therapy. It saved me. My counsellor saved me. I can’t stress this enough.

Good luck to you

@Mouldyfeet

I find it very strange that the school did not call the police/safeguarding team about a child being strangled in their playground and a man threatening another mum.

It didn't happen in the school playground.

Oh hon I'm so sorry, if the other mum hasn't reported to the police you should, you need it on record and investigated for the custody battle he'll no doubt try to start and you don't want him getting unsupervised visits. They may also be able to assist in getting him out the house xxx

I simply don’t understand why the other mum is not pressing charges? That’s the most odd thing about all of this.

Well done for leaving, OP.

Please get the police involved. Encourage the other parent to press charges and say you'll support her.

And do alert passport/border agencies about the risks oi him trying to take the children.

Could you ask the other mum to report it and report it too? Perhaps she's worried about the negative effect on you and your child.

Also worth listing the witnesses while it's fresh as the police may need to talk to them.

The first thing I thought was this needs reporting to the police, whether the other parent wants to ‘press charges’ or not. It will have a bearing on child custody arrangements further down the line if nothing else.

And you have absolutely done the right thing. Well done OP, it’s an incredibly hard step and you’ve got a long road but things will get better. Just remember his mental health and well-being are not your responsibility. Your only responsibility is to you and your children.

Can we not start to criticise the other mother? She might be terrified of the OPs husband. Other people around them have minimised this, as the OP did. No-one rang the Police, or intervened.

Maybe she thinks she’s protecting OP

I know this is the least of it, but I’d be deeply sceptical of his claim that the mental health crisis team said you were the one who needed help. I have family who work in various capacities in mental health and they’ve all just said that it’s very unlikely that anyone would have offered an opinion like that - it’s not the crisis team’s job to comment on someone they haven’t assessed. I think you can assume that’s him trying to gaslight you again.

Or maybe she did ring the police, they've arranged for someone with specialist training to come and interview the child (today) and OP's husband will be getting a visit later.

We literally have no way to know what actions the other mother took when she left the park. If I was her, my priority would be getting DS home safely and made to feel secure. I'd say whatever I had to in the moment but I wouldn't be making those decisions until I had settled DS at home, assessed the impact and effect on him, and spoken with DH.

This is a safeguarding concern. The school should have raised it as one and reported. Doesn't matter what op or other child's mother say a child has been assaulted by an adult ant school worth its salt would report this. I'm shocked it hasn't been.

The other mother might reasonably have felt the matter was dealt with at the time, the op was obviously taking it seriously and she doesn’t want to put op or her child through any further stress and to put an unpleasant incident behind them. I don’t think her actions odd or unreasonable at all.