Uncertain about future: Husband has said we've lost our spark

[Karenah86]

So I've been an emotional wreck today and just need some impartial advice. Husband of nearly 5 years, together nearly 10, has been low for a while. He's not very good at talking about his feeling, he bottles them up. But last night I managed to get him to open up about what's been getting him down. He said he's worried about us, feels we've lost our spark, we're stuck in a rut and he's not happy. This came as quite a shock to me. We have a beautiful 14 month old son and I will admit our relationship has changed since having him, but I thought it was just us adjusting to our new roles as parents. Hubby did say he loves me and will always love me, which is something, but I'm just so scared about what this means and what the future holds for us now. My mind has been racing today, thinking what will happen if we can't work things out, what it will mean for our son. I gave up work in January to look after our son Full time, so I'm completely dependent on Husband financially. We've got a beautiful home and I've made some great Mum friends in the area. Just feel like everything is uncertain and up in the air. I'm probably overthinking and jumping to the worst case scenario, I'm just not sure where we go from here or how to get back on track.

@dipdye

I'd be going back to work, pronto.

You obviously cannot rely on him at all.

This with bells on. I hope you are doing okay OP.

Men never leave to sleep in an empty bed.

Get some work. Mentally start to detach. And if and when he decides he does want to stay with you, don't feel obliged to accommodate that!

You describe this idyllic new mum life - being able to choose to stay at home, new friends etc.

Don't forget the 'idyllic' hours of cleaning up baby vomit and dirty nappies, running around getting housework done during nap times, trying to get the baby to sleep over and over again, the tiredness, the long hours at home on a rainy day, managing your own personal budget tightly and foregoing treats for yourself because of the reduced income, the lack of financial security and falling behind in the workplace.

It's so bloody easy for people – especially men – to get resentful about the SAHM life because they see it as easy to the point of 'idyllic' and resent being the 'provider' while completely looking past the hard work, the boredom and the sacrifices made by the person who is doing their best for the child that belongs to BOTH of them.

Please don't perpetuate this silly myth of the easy SAHM life.

Oh and not to mention that the lovely new friends are often necessary because the old friends are living different lives now and you often lose touch because your schedules don't match or you've moved to a cheaper area because of being a SAHM.

@CheekyHobson you have summed up the SAHM life perfectly. Husband definitely doesn't understand how hard it is. I do feel like he's jealous/resents the fact I'm not working and get to spend all day everyday with our son. He's alluded many times that ds prefers me to him. And he can take it very personally/gets annoyed if ds cries for me when he's holding or trying to comfort him. We did both agree on me being a SAHM. I asked many many times if he was sure. However I guess the reality isn't quite up to what he expected.

I find it very strange that someone depressed would lead only with the faults they find in their marriage - the lost spark, the ‘I’ll always be in your life’ - and not ‘I feel empty and sad and anxious all the time, I don’t enjoy doing anything and can’t cope with work and fatherhood’.

He sounds about 12.

Jealous of you being at home… moaning life has changed (well duh, yep that’s what happens when you have a child! You suck it up and put your life on hold a bit and know you get through it!)… moaning it’s him (woe is me / it’s all my fault / isn’t my life awful)…

He actually sounds just like my ex. He hasn’t grown up yet and is basically having a tantrum. If there is another woman - and I don’t necessarily think there is (there was in my case) - she will be the “fun” part of his life that he thinks he’s missing. Aw bless him.

He’s not at all U not to want to be the sole earner, many of us wouldn’t, although it’d have been much better had he told you that!

Would seek a job, and as well paid one as you can, which might well mean full time work as well paid part time roles usually go to incumbent employees. This will likely mean your H needs to make adjustments in his working life to do more weekday parenting.

I’d say do two things

Watch be and be alert
Spark = sex = he might start to look elsewhere

This is a red flag 🚩 now he might be a lovely man and this gets fixed . But it could also signal the beginning of the end . So forewarned , think seriously about getting back to work and being financially Independant
ASAP
Please x

I agree that "spark" = sex.

Whoah whoah! Stop with the "..don't work." I beg to differ. You don't do paid work OUTSIDE the home.
Clearly he needs a wake up call on everything you do.

OP you must be feeling absolutely adrift. This is what stands out to me from your comments.
Everything I suggest, couples therapy, getting someone to babysit so we can go out, even having some time apart from each other, he doesn't seem too bothered about any of it. Which is beyond frustrating and points towards him already having checked out
I think this is the crux, whether there is someone else on the scene or not.
Has he given any details of how he intends to "fix" himself when he's already tuned out of any of your suggestions. Not sure what that could even mean in that case.
Please do not even consider that being a SAHM for a very young child is to blame for this situation. A lot of people find carecare v work difficult when the DC are very small, but this time passes quickly. He ought to realise that you are doing the best for your son under the circumstances.
You sound like a sensible practical person and despite the emotional knock, are looking towards finding the best solution for your son and yourself. Please remember that the two of you are your priority and not be guilted into thinking his choice of behaviour is your fault. Best of luck

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff adrift is definitely how I'm feeling! Thank you for your kind words. I agree that this time is difficult while our ds is small but I was quite happy just ploughing through together. Whereas it feels like he's gone straight to 'this is hard, I want out' or straight into someone else's arms, who knows. Feeling quite deflated today, and actually quite angry too. Finding it very hard to be around him at the moment!

it must be hard.
You will get through this. Its very hard when he's not giving any real answers. As if its all just a big inexplicable mystery to him.

He can fend for himself entirely until he is ready to communicate properly.

In the meantime, Fill your own time and have plenty of distractions - earphones in, plan some treats just for you or some nice outings your little one will enjoy. See your most supportive family member. Maybe organize some help with your DC next week so that you can have some thinking time or make back up plans. Be very kind to yourself. You will get through this.

Does he feel that he would be happier being the SAHP while you get to return to work ?
Is that possible ?

It’s interesting how some men are so envious of SAHM but when questioned a little about whether they would like to do the same they will say ‘ oh no way I couldn’t handle it ‘
Pretty similar to how many men claim women flaunting their bodies in onlyfans or the like is ‘somehow ‘empowering ‘ yet we see so few men doing the same supposedly ‘women empowering things
I realise they are two different things but the irony of what some men say compared to what they know to be true deep down, is hard to ignore - huge double standards

How is this situation going? I've been following (lurking) intently.
It's scary how many people jump right at the man has OW in this situation and makes you realise why more men never open up in a relationship about their feelings. I know I've definitely felt this way in my relationship before, and I can assure you there was no OM.
OP there's a few posts which asked questions you glazed over (which is totally fine, and obviously none of our business if you don't want to answer) - but one was about how is your actual relationship with your husband? Do you have fun together? I know you have lots of mum friends you say, but what does dad get to do? What's your sex life like? I only ask because I know this is how I felt when I was feeling down about my relationship - it felt empty, like we were plodding along just happy to exist just living together.
I totally understand you both now have DC in your lives, but I'm sure the first 9 years? of your relationship would not have lasted if you didn't have some kind of spark? Something must be lacking? Monotonous ruts and daily routines will kill any relationship, not just OW.
I do hope you can sort this out OP and wish you all the luck with it. X

[quote Karenah86]@DuckbilledSplatterPuff adrift is definitely how I'm feeling! Thank you for your kind words. I agree that this time is difficult while our ds is small but I was quite happy just ploughing through together. Whereas it feels like he's gone straight to 'this is hard, I want out' or straight into someone else's arms, who knows. Feeling quite deflated today, and actually quite angry too. Finding it very hard to be around him at the moment![/quote]
I remember when my son was small my ex expected me to work as he found it hard managing the bills on his own. It's hard being at home with children. They always think we got it good but it's hard.
Without going into I ended it. Then I left him and went homeless because of the joint tenancy as he wouldn't leave.
I like now that I don't need to depend on a man.
I can't say if he seeing another woman but it does seem he wants out of this.
If he says he wants to separate let him figure out what he wants. Trial separation
In that time work on you and show him your independent woman.

@LongtimeLurker20
‘
It's scary how many people jump right at the man has OW in this situation and makes you realise why more men never open up in a relationship about their feelings. I know I've definitely felt this way in my relationship before, and I can assure you there was no OM.’

Maybe that’s true FOR YOU but statistically men rarely leave without a backup and men not opening up is not womens fault so stop blaming them
This guy isn’t ‘opening up ‘ he’s being anything but open . He’s saying I’m unhappy and then doing fiddle swyat to work on it or engage with the partner and be open about fixing it even when she has come to him with deprecated solutions
Many women here have seen this play out many times before
For me an ex did the EXACT same line and when I offered to work on it with him he was disinterested . The problems me he would say and yes the problem was him !he had me in absolute knots trying to work out how we could make things better for him. The truth was the inky thing he wanted was to push me to end the relationship so he didn’t look like the bad guy
When I suggested he move out as he was so unhappy he lived straight in with his girlfriend. You could have involved me over with a feather I was so shocked . I was also six months pregnant at the time …
This may or may not be the case for the op but most certainly don’t come on here blaming women because poor menz don’t open up