Uncertain about future: Husband has said we've lost our spark

[Karenah86]

So I've been an emotional wreck today and just need some impartial advice. Husband of nearly 5 years, together nearly 10, has been low for a while. He's not very good at talking about his feeling, he bottles them up. But last night I managed to get him to open up about what's been getting him down. He said he's worried about us, feels we've lost our spark, we're stuck in a rut and he's not happy. This came as quite a shock to me. We have a beautiful 14 month old son and I will admit our relationship has changed since having him, but I thought it was just us adjusting to our new roles as parents. Hubby did say he loves me and will always love me, which is something, but I'm just so scared about what this means and what the future holds for us now. My mind has been racing today, thinking what will happen if we can't work things out, what it will mean for our son. I gave up work in January to look after our son Full time, so I'm completely dependent on Husband financially. We've got a beautiful home and I've made some great Mum friends in the area. Just feel like everything is uncertain and up in the air. I'm probably overthinking and jumping to the worst case scenario, I'm just not sure where we go from here or how to get back on track.

I'm sorry OP but you have had some good advice. Wise up. Get back to work and make him do 50% of the childcare and domestic work. Tell him he has fathered a child and he has a responsibility that he doesn't get to check out of. He can ditch you but he doesn't get to ditch his ds. So if he thinks he can get back to his pre children life he's wrong and that Co parenting in a split family is not the sexy single fun he might be after.

Take some of the good advice above from other posters.

@Karenah86

He said he is still in love with me and that he'll always be in my life because of our son.

Sorry OP, I hope I'm wrong, but that sounds like he's setting the scene to leave the marriage, whether there's is another woman in the background or not.

To protect yourself against that possibility, I would strongly recommend you see if you could go back to work and investigate how you can support yourself and your child if he were to leave. Perhaps speak to your old employer to see if you can go back maybe four days a week 10-4pm so that you've then got time to drop off and pick up at nursery? Investigate what, if any, benefits you might be entitled to if you were to split? www.entitledto.co.uk. Check out what your combined finances are and what child maintenance you'd get.

Getting this information together, to look at a worse case scenario, will help you if separation is where this is leading. Keep your prepping to yourself for now.

I hope things work out for you. 🌹

@Karenah86 how are things today?

Have you talked again at all?

I think maybe giving up work probably hasn’t helped. Everyone is worried at the moment. Try and get yourself another job and sit down and have a talk with him and try to,put a plan in action

Without an OW or plans to depart, I don’t believe people, simply tired, fed up and unhappy in the throes of new parenthood (though into the second year that excuse is wearing thin), talk this way: that they ‘think’ they want to make it work, they they’ll always be in your life. They don’t drip feed the end of the relationship. That’s strange - no doubt about it. People tired and fed up with new parenthood just unhappily get on with it. They may bicker, get shitty with each other, but that’s about the extent of it. I’m not saying this is 100% of the time, but it’s the case 99% of the time, and unfortunately your husband is overwhelming likely to be in the 99%.

Find an opportunity to look at his messages and emails. Make plans to get back into work.

Op I’ve been in your position. He told me he loved me but wasn’t sure he was in love with me. At the time I felt bad for HIM. Refused to believe he could possibly have an OW as our DC’s weren’t even a year old. Of course, there was! Afterwards I joined mumsnet and realised he followed “the script” to the letter. What I thought was a unique, humiliating story was in fact a tale as old as time! What you have right now is the ability to get in front of it. Read “the script” on the chumplady website and prepare yourself.
Sit him down and have an open conversation about how YOU feel. See how he reacts. I’m so sorry to say I expect he will be cold and largely unresponsive. You will then know it’s time to “get your ducks in a row.”
It’s an awful place to be but remember whilst this is news to you it’s probably been months of thoughts and perhaps planning for him so his mourning period is largely over.
Lastly, tell/discuss with anyone you want. You will need support and he likely not want you too as he doesn’t want to be seen as the bad guy. His reputation is not your responsibility to protect!

@SunflowerTed

Part of the script. I hate to add to your pain but is there another woman waiting in the wings?

My ex husband said those exact words to me 25 years ago. We had a 3 year old and a 2 year old. He said he thought he still loved me. He had also been very withdrawn. He was having an emotional affair with a 17 year old work colleague ( he was 32). It turned into a physical affair and he left us because 'He needed to do what he wanted,when he wanted and sadly he couldn't do that with children, so he had to leave'. Sorry Op but it's how it always starts.

@picklemewalnuts

If it were me, and I'd read as much MN as I have, I'd push back.

I'd agree with him. I'd say we need a reset so we see each other as adults/partners, not mum and dad. I'd get a chore timetable/rota underway and get back in to work as soon as I could.

A significant amount of the time, it's a bloke pushing you to try harder to make him happy- and nothing you do will be enough. It will go one of two ways- he'll pull his finger out and work at his marriage alongside you, or you'll still split up but you will be in a much stronger position.

Don't do the pick me dance. Either you both work on it, or neither of you do.

This. You both work on it, and if he’s not willing to, then you do have a problem.

Also, go back to work at least PT if you possibly can. No income makes you vulnerable, and while it does work for some people, but is it’s polarising and can put a couple on very different tracks.

I’d call his bluff, tell him you’ve booked a solicitor appointment, tell him to move out, be very cold and clinical. He’ll soon change his mind if that’s what you want, play along his little game until he realises the grass ain’t always greener.

@Whooshaagh

Sorry *@Karenah86* It’s exactly what my df said to my dm when he had met OW. It’s what my friend’s dh said to her when he had another woman. It’s what most men say when they have another woman.

So predictable.

My Sils husband left her after 40 years of marriage. She was certain there was no other woman. There was another woman. There always is. In her case it was her best friend. She lost them both on the same day. She had confided in this woman for weeks.

Maybe I've been on MNET too long but I immediately thought The Script. They must all go on the same training course to learn this patronising, manipulative shit.

So sorry that this has happened to you. He sounds very selfish.

Number one: you have to return to work. Please don’t be financially dependent on him.

And I agree with other posters: he’s met another woman. I’m sorry

MN advice can be so hysterical sometimes. Always jumping to another women for some reason, like men can’t just be nice people who are simply being honest.

OP, on reflection - can you see where he’s coming from? Having a baby takes a huge toll on a relationship. You go from being just you, to Mum and Dad. For a relationship to stay thriving, there still needs to be that connection and intimacy like there was before little one arrived. It’s normal for things to slip slightly as your focus becomes on baby and not just on your relationship - relationships do naturally take a back foot.

I think it’s great he has told you how he feels, because you can work with that. Having a shut off DH who doesn’t speak is the real issue.

Sit down with him, talk to him about what areas he feels is lacking - and be honest about where you think it’s lacking too. You both need to be open, honest and prepared to put in the work to each other. Marriage is hard, you cannot simply expect people to still feel the same 10 years after knowing you without the work put in.

I really don’t think all is lost OP, I think some changes can turn this around aslong as your both willing and committed to it. Xx

@SunflowerTed

Part of the script. I hate to add to your pain but is there another woman waiting in the wings?

My thoughts exactly.

OP you need to read about 'Cheater Scripts' in Chump Lady

www.chumplady.com/2018/04/i-havent-been-happy-for-a-long-time/

My god what a self indulgent turd
For Most people Life is a relentless routine of responsibilities and mundaneity especially with a child in the mix - recognising that and finding ways to break it is something he needs to do ........and grow up

Dont dance to his tune
Get back to work and protect yourself op

Sorry OP but think about it - where is 'We will work on it, we will find a way to work it out.'

Yes, I would ask him who she is.

I worked with a woman whose husband had left her when they had a young child. She had been ill with pneumonia and took herself and her daughter to her mums for 2 weeks. Whilst she was away her husband's much younger girlfriend moved in. After the 2 weeks she went home and he gave her 'the spark is gone' speech.He said he wasn't sure what he wanted and he would give her 2 weeks to show him how happy their marriage could be ,and then he would make a decision. She turned herself inside out doing the pick me dance.He left her for the much younger girlfriend.

@Marleymoo42

Just want to give some balance. My marriage has been through phases like this. The rockies part was adjusting to children.

You describe this idyllic new mum life - being able to choose to stay at home, new friends etc.

Presumably he has a fairly demanding job to support this. While you are getting support with parenthood through new friends, what has changed for him?I'm guessing he's doing the same job, Is more exhausted and so are you. Has he properly adjusted to parenting or is he surrounded by people who have more time and fun than him?

With my youngest I went back full time while OH took time off and it gave me a real insight into how it must have been for him with our eldest. Now he's the one with dad friends whereas I know noone at the school gate. Both roles have their challenges. Nothing is harder than adjusting to your first.

Wise advice.

I understand why people are jumping straight to ‘OW, ducks in a row, etc’ (and they may be right), but this phase of life is a hell of an adjustment for couples and it can be rough on both of you.

When all that lovely build up of excitement and expectation turns into a real baby it can be a bit of a shocker. They take over your world, and for all the good things they bring, they also fill it with poop, puke, sleeplessness, worry, exhaustion and a shedload of new rules and schedules which can feel incredibly constricting. Toddlers are even more knackering.

When your partner is happy with the status quo and seems to be having a lovely time, but you’re not and feel like all the pressure is on you to work even harder to keep the whole show on the road, it’s easy to see why you might spiral downwards. Especially when all you can see ahead of you is potentially more kids and more of the same for years to come.

Having been in a very similar place in my marriage, I’d recommend getting yourselves to counselling sooner rather than later. And then if there actually is anything else going on with him, that’ll get bottomed out pretty quickly anyway.

@stripeyflowers

Maybe I've been on MNET too long but I immediately thought The Script. They must all go on the same training course to learn this patronising, manipulative shit.

And start looking at sports cars and trousers that are just a tiny bit too tight.

I think really he is giving you the message loud and clear. It's just up to you whether you really want to hear it.

As soon as those words left his mouth it was over.

"When your partner is happy with the status quo and seems to be having a lovely time, but you’re not and feel like all the pressure is on you to work even harder to keep the whole show on the road, it’s easy to see why you might spiral downwards. Especially when all you can see ahead of you is potentially more kids and more of the same for years to come."

I completely agree it's a time of huge change and adjustment but the OP's husband isn't talking along the lines of sole earner responsibility/pressure/we've lost us etc - he sounds like he's checked out. It may be that he expresses himself badly

@wonderwoman26

MN advice can be so hysterical sometimes. Always jumping to another women for some reason, like men can’t just be nice people who are simply being honest.

OP, on reflection - can you see where he’s coming from? Having a baby takes a huge toll on a relationship. You go from being just you, to Mum and Dad. For a relationship to stay thriving, there still needs to be that connection and intimacy like there was before little one arrived. It’s normal for things to slip slightly as your focus becomes on baby and not just on your relationship - relationships do naturally take a back foot.

I think it’s great he has told you how he feels, because you can work with that. Having a shut off DH who doesn’t speak is the real issue.

Sit down with him, talk to him about what areas he feels is lacking - and be honest about where you think it’s lacking too. You both need to be open, honest and prepared to put in the work to each other. Marriage is hard, you cannot simply expect people to still feel the same 10 years after knowing you without the work put in.

I really don’t think all is lost OP, I think some changes can turn this around aslong as your both willing and committed to it. Xx

It's not hysterical. Throwing in a random LTB and wandering off is hysterical. Recognising the start of the script is not hysterical. There are so many of us on here who went through exactly the same thing. It starts with the spark is gone. It always starts there for the woman. The man has checked out weeks ago. He is fully in the fantasy of being a sexy ,single man. My ex husband followed it exactly. He went full on with the much younger woman ( her 17 , him 32) . He bought the sports car, started wearing Levi jeans that were a little too tight. He was thinning on top so his hair got taller and taller to disguise it . It may be that Ops husband is a nice man who wants to sort things out. I hope counselling will help. I was a Primary school teacher. I worked mainly with women in many different schools for 20 years. Each time a marriage failed it started with 'the spark is gone ' speech. There would be assurances that there was no one else ,followed by the heart breaking slap in the face ,that there was and there always had been. I hope it is different for Op but the chances are small. None of that is hysterical. It's just 'the lived experience ' ,as the trendy phrase goes, of so many women on this site.

Sounds definitely like there is another woman.
Men just wouldn’t say stuff like this unless they had their eye on another woman.

Also very typical to come after a baby.

That irritated slightly distracted way of being, “ I love you but I’m not IN love with you” type of stuff nearly always means he has set his sights on someone else.

I wonder if he's hoping you'll end things after what's he's said, so he doesn't look like the bad guy. You make yourself and DC your priority here OP

Alarm bells were ringing when you mentioned he said the spark has gone….you’ve been together 10 years and have a baby. Your not kids just dating. This is definitely an excuse - if he felt no spark surely he would make more of an effort to romance you/ and in my opinion when you with someone for so long and especially with kids there can be times when it feels like your just ploughing through life and you don’t always have time for each other. Every day won’t be a fairytale. Once you love someone and fully commit you accept this.

I really feel for you OP x