Uncertain about future: Husband has said we've lost our spark

[Karenah86]

So I've been an emotional wreck today and just need some impartial advice. Husband of nearly 5 years, together nearly 10, has been low for a while. He's not very good at talking about his feeling, he bottles them up. But last night I managed to get him to open up about what's been getting him down. He said he's worried about us, feels we've lost our spark, we're stuck in a rut and he's not happy. This came as quite a shock to me. We have a beautiful 14 month old son and I will admit our relationship has changed since having him, but I thought it was just us adjusting to our new roles as parents. Hubby did say he loves me and will always love me, which is something, but I'm just so scared about what this means and what the future holds for us now. My mind has been racing today, thinking what will happen if we can't work things out, what it will mean for our son. I gave up work in January to look after our son Full time, so I'm completely dependent on Husband financially. We've got a beautiful home and I've made some great Mum friends in the area. Just feel like everything is uncertain and up in the air. I'm probably overthinking and jumping to the worst case scenario, I'm just not sure where we go from here or how to get back on track.

@dipdye

I'd be going back to work, pronto.

You obviously cannot rely on him at all.

Absolutely this ^^

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. You need to establish your own financial security, right now!

Then, whatever may come, you will be dealing with it from a position of better financial security.

I agree. Get yourself back to work, even if childcare equals your wage and you're not better off financially. Make sure both of you pay for childcare and it's not just your cost. If incomes aren't similar, split as a % of earnings so contributions are fair.

Do this so you can save money for the possibility that he will leave. You need to be able to support yourself and have money to rent etc

I've been in your position (without a baby) and told him if he didn't know what he wanted then it was extremely unfair on me not knowing where I stand and he needed to leave. Fortunately it was my place and I told him to pack his stuff and leave that weekend. I don't think he realised that once I lose trust in someone there's no coming back - from the moment I told him to go there was never a chance to reconcile. It killed me. It's one of the hardest things I've done as I really loved him. But, not knowing where I stood was daily torture.

Read Chumplady.com. She has a bit on “the script.” Next he will be telling you neither of you have been happy in years.

I think he resents being the sole earner.

Do get back to work ASAP.

If he has no suggestions about what the two of you should do then he has checked out.

A simple google would give him sone suggestions.

Focus on protecting yourself and your son. Look at going back to work. Child care paid for by both of you. Ask him to apply for a flexible working arrangement so he does his fair share of drop offs and pick ups. Make sure you are aware of your financial position and have copies of all relevant documents.

Work out what you want. A marriage cannot work if only one person is putting in effort. Sorry OP

@Karenah86

Thanks everyone for your replies. There's definitely no other woman but I get why that would be people's first suspicions. We talked some more tonight but I'm still quite confused and at a loss as to where we go next. I asked if he wants to make things work and he said 'I think so.' Not quite the affirmative answer I was after! He thinks he's the problem - he's unhappy and therefore isn't making me happy. But he doesn't know what we can do to help him be happy again. He said he is still in love with me and that he'll always be in my life because of our son. It seems in one breath he's talking like we should separate, but in the next it's like he wants to make things work. Can you see why I'm confused!

Op im so sorry but it doesn't sound like he wants to make it work. I think he's giving very clear. Hints of where this will go. Telling you he will always be in your life, that he will always love you etc. Id get back to work asap and protect yourself financially.

Sorry @Karenah86
It’s exactly what my df said to my dm when he had met OW.
It’s what my friend’s dh said to her when he had another woman.
It’s what most men say when they have another woman.

So predictable.

What does he think you both should do, to get the sparks flying again. You need to know what his real mindset is about his issues, not just him saying he doesn't know how he really feels, that's just going nowhere, and won't solve anything. Lots of people say that life has lost it's meaning, they just have to get to grips, and make changes for the better for themselves.

I agree . This is the script when someone’s turned his head . It’s not you it’s me, I’ll always love you , I ‘think ‘ I want to make it work
What makes you so certain there’s no other woman OP or that he’s not at least thinking about it

To add …. I would throw the ball straight in his court . Agree then stress the urgency of improving the situation IMMEDIATELY . None of this ‘ I think it’s what I want . That’s so blah and apathetic
To me , an i ‘ think I want it ‘ is as good as I don’t but I’ll say I do
I’d book for couples therapy and suggest spending time alone regularly if you can swing a babysitter
Require more from him
If he really wants it he’ll make the effort …..

Sit him down again and say that you are confused by the mixed messages he’s sending you. He says he’s unhappy but he can’t say why or what could fix it. He doesn’t even know whether he wants to fix it. He says he doesn’t know if he can make you happy but as you felt perfectly fine before he started being distant, it seems that whatever the problem is, it’s nothing to do with your ability to be happy.

Now ask him to level with you, because you’re a big girl and you can handle whatever he has to say. Say that this “I don’t know what’s wrong” speech sounds a hell of a lot like what men say when they have met some other woman they fancy and are having dreams about how different life might be with someone different. Ask him if he’s had his head turned by someone (not saying he’s having an affair). Ask him to look you in the eyes while he answers. Keep your breathing calm, watch what he’s doing closely and listen to your gut while he is responding to this.

If he insists no, there’s nobody else, it’s all about him, paint him a realistic picture. Tell him that you feel sad that his feelings seem to have changed so much but you’re not going to fight to keep him in a marriage that he’s half-hearted about. If he wants to work on things, great, you’re all in. But you’re not going to sit around trying to figure out how to please him and fix whatever problems he’s having. He needs to decide within the next week or two what’s going on with him and whether he wants this marriage or not. If not, you’ll be going to see a solicitor to understand what kind of split of assets you’ll be looking at. You’ll expect him to be a 50/50 parent, to contribute to his son’s needs in every way. If he has to work fewer hours to manage those responsibilities, so be it. He’s a father now and he doesn’t get to tap out because he’s having a life crisis. Let him understand exactly what separating will mean - more chores, more life juggling, less money, less time to himself.

Just want to give some balance. My marriage has been through phases like this. The rockies part was adjusting to children.

You describe this idyllic new mum life - being able to choose to stay at home, new friends etc.

Presumably he has a fairly demanding job to support this. While you are getting support with parenthood through new friends, what has changed for him?I'm guessing he's doing the same job, Is more exhausted and so are you. Has he properly adjusted to parenting or is he surrounded by people who have more time and fun than him?

With my youngest I went back full time while OH took time off and it gave me a real insight into how it must have been for him with our eldest. Now he's the one with dad friends whereas I know noone at the school gate. Both roles have their challenges. Nothing is harder than adjusting to your first.

Agree with @CheekyHobson, that is what I would do.
There are so many threads like this on MN and, every time, the OW comes out. I would hope he isn’t having an affair, but I would say he has definitely had his head turned. All that blathering on about “he’s not happy but he doesn’t know why” is crap. He knows exactly why but for obvious reasons, can’t tell you. He is hedging his bets here op, don’t stand for it. He’s either in or he’s out. And make arrangements to return to work asap.

OP. There's never definitely not another woman. There may not be. But ffs don't entrench yourself in that position.

@SunflowerTed

Part of the script. I hate to add to your pain but is there another woman waiting in the wings?

A bloke replying (after being asked) and saying how he feels isn't always another women. Better to deal with thinks earlier on if possible and he has said how he feels

I'd tell him you've secretly been thinking the same. But held off talk of separating as you know that would lead to you only seeing your son half of every week. That should soon focus his mind.
And consider working.
And definitely don't get pregnant.

Men don’t tend to implode their family lives unless they’ve got somewhere to go.

Don’t do the pick me dance. The stronger and independent you can be the more attractive and powerful you will seem to him.

Get your job back / start applying for new jobs.

Having children is often like a bomb going off in a marriage as you navigate lack of sleep lack of money lack of time and irreversible change to your roles/family dynamic. If I was being honest my marriage has 100% lost it's spark - our twins are 1 years old - I'm ok with it - I'm too knackered - I know it will get better though. I'm not a STAHM though and am in fact the main earner by a long way.

I actually don't think there is another woman I just suspect your husband is struggling with the change in dynamic - to being a parent and also sole earner. Whose decision was it to be a STAHM?

From his point of view he could end your relationship and save himself the money of supporting you financially and still see his child the same amount of time as he would if you were still together (in theory although yes in practice many fathers disappear into the wind with their new found freedom). That's perhaps why he is so non committal

Agree you should get a job asap.

Even if there’s no OW and it’s something like he ‘just’ can’t be arsed with parenting his behaviour is crap.

If he’s low, has he sought help, eg counselling, done sensible things, eg exercise, avoiding alcohol?

Would suggest couple’s counselling, and if his words and actions continue to indicate he’s ‘checked out’ taking some control.

Agree with twinsetandpearl that there are some men who turn out to be shit fathers / partners to the mothers of their DC, and would prefer to live separately, see their DC eow, work and socialise as much as they want, date OW etc.

Disagree though on OP SAH being a factor! Presumably this was agreed. but sadly OP’s H has now shown she can’t depend on him.

"If he wants to work on things, great, you’re all in. But you’re not going to sit around trying to figure out how to please him and fix whatever problems he’s having. He needs to decide within the next week or two what’s going on with him and whether he wants this marriage or not. If not, you’ll be going to see a solicitor to understand what kind of split of assets you’ll be looking at. You’ll expect him to be a 50/50 parent, to contribute to his son’s needs in every way. If he has to work fewer hours to manage those responsibilities, so be it. He’s a father now and he doesn’t get to tap out because he’s having a life crisis. Let him understand exactly what separating will mean - more chores, more life juggling, less money, less time to himself."

This is excellent advice not matter what the cause of the husband's sudden withdrawal.

He seems to be expecting you to fix this OP, not necessarily because he's a cruel manipulative monster but because that's usually the default position in marriages - man feels x wife tries to fix it. We try to fix things for the people we love, and they usually have an unspoken assumption that we will. I was like this in my first marriage.

It's not up to you to dance around trying to appease him. Whatever the issue is, you work on it together or not at all.

Start digging, as I would bet my house there is OW. As others have said, welcome to the script. You’re being delivered the first lines.

Many others have said it. He’s out.

My husband and I were quite miserable in the first year of my son’s life (for various reasons) and sometimes quite horrible to one another. We never said anything like this crap to one another though, because we were committed to working through it and committed to our marriage and our family.

Communication and honesty are so important in a relationship and although it’s hurtful it’s good he has been open about his feelings.

You say you’re not working at all.
Does he have a good wage?
Could it be that he’s stressed taking all of the financial burden?

Relationships do change after having kids and it’s really important you both try and make an effort to have alone time with each other.

If you can afford it I really think couples therapy could benefit you both as he needs to get to the bottom of why he’s feeling that way.