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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Uncertain about future: Husband has said we've lost our spark

118 replies

Karenah86 · 01/04/2022 14:24

So I've been an emotional wreck today and just need some impartial advice. Husband of nearly 5 years, together nearly 10, has been low for a while. He's not very good at talking about his feeling, he bottles them up. But last night I managed to get him to open up about what's been getting him down. He said he's worried about us, feels we've lost our spark, we're stuck in a rut and he's not happy. This came as quite a shock to me. We have a beautiful 14 month old son and I will admit our relationship has changed since having him, but I thought it was just us adjusting to our new roles as parents. Hubby did say he loves me and will always love me, which is something, but I'm just so scared about what this means and what the future holds for us now. My mind has been racing today, thinking what will happen if we can't work things out, what it will mean for our son. I gave up work in January to look after our son Full time, so I'm completely dependent on Husband financially. We've got a beautiful home and I've made some great Mum friends in the area. Just feel like everything is uncertain and up in the air. I'm probably overthinking and jumping to the worst case scenario, I'm just not sure where we go from here or how to get back on track.

OP posts:
springtimeishereagain · 02/04/2022 09:29

What is he doing to help? Does he do his share of the housework and looking after your ds at weekends?

Is he just bored with the drudgery of family life with a young dc? If so, he has to come up with ways to make life better and more fun.

I'm sorry you're going through this 💐

TheirTheyre · 02/04/2022 09:32

I have found through discussion, reading, media etc that the ‘7 year itch’ is more and more being replaced with the ‘10 year itch’. I think it’s more common than you realise, that we all get a bit wobbly and ‘stuck in a rut’. I think it will pass. Try having some discussions about it. Flowers

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 02/04/2022 09:35

Ignore the other woman bits because stressing that isn't going to allow your heart to fix this which it seems you both want to.
Do you have date nights either out or at home ?
How has he reacted to the fatherhood side of things ? How's everything else going in his life? Men are designed to 'fix' things or resolve problems. If there are bigger problems elsewhere ( finances, work , family) he may choose to withdraw and amplify and attack problems he feel he can fix ( any little cracks in the marriage ) to regain control of life. They also tend to self destruct if they feel they're uncapable of making you happy. If you both want to fix it you can

oakleaffy · 02/04/2022 09:45

@Karenah86

Thanks everyone for your replies. There's definitely no other woman but I get why that would be people's first suspicions. We talked some more tonight but I'm still quite confused and at a loss as to where we go next. I asked if he wants to make things work and he said 'I think so.' Not quite the affirmative answer I was after! He thinks he's the problem - he's unhappy and therefore isn't making me happy. But he doesn't know what we can do to help him be happy again. He said he is still in love with me and that he'll always be in my life because of our son. It seems in one breath he's talking like we should separate, but in the next it's like he wants to make things work. Can you see why I'm confused!
This is ringing so many alarm bells..

''It's not you, it's me''
''I love you , but I'm not in love with you''
''We'll always have a connection because of the child/ren
''The spark has gone'' &c&c

My own DH was like this.
I was in utter ignorance as to him having another woman, he was so furtive about it.
He denied having an affair, ''I haven't the time!''

They will lie and lie, even when confronted with evidence.

In his case, it was a work colleague.

Hilites · 02/04/2022 09:50

Your probably all scaring the OP
Ive been there. And I was the one who said the spark has gone… there was no other man and my head hadn’t been turned! Nights out with each other and also space from each other (nights out with our own friends) confirmed the spark was still there.

CharSiu · 02/04/2022 09:52

It could be an OW

It could be he does resent being sole earner

Or he may really not like being a parent, feel neglected as you have someone else who is number one in your life now and as much as that is shit and pathetic call it whatever you want it happens in relationships especially if the man was reluctant to have children.

urbanbuddha · 02/04/2022 10:49

You say you gave up work in January to look after your son who is now 14 months. Were you on maternity leave before that? Was the full-time mum your idea, his idea or a joint decision? It might be that this is not what he had envisaged.

Original poster
Karenah86 · 02/04/2022 14:42

Wow I'm pretty overwhelmed with all the replies! But lots of great advice so thank you, I actually feel quite empowered! I honestly don't believe there is an OW but maybe I'm being naive. I've asked and he's denied but I know that doesn't mean anything. Going to keep that idea out my head until/unless there's any proof and at least try and salvage our relationship. We've talked more this morning, I've asked how he thinks we can work on things but he still has no suggestions. Everything I suggest, couples therapy, getting someone to babysit so we can go out, even having some time apart from each other, he doesn't seem too bothered about any of it. Which is beyond frustrating and points towards him already having checked out. I'm sure you're all going to say this is because he's had his head turned! He still says he's the problem and he's going to work on fixing himself. I don't know, I feel like we keep talking but go round in circles. Someone mentioned maybe he's trying to push me away and be the one to leave/decide to separate so he doesn't look like the bad guy. Feel like there's quite a lot of truth in that. I was quite emotional about it all yesterday but now I'm thinking more practically and need to start preparing for worst case scenario. its rubbish and I never thought this would happen to us (who does?) But I can't force him to want to be with me/work on things if he doesn't want to.

OP posts:
Youvebeengonesolong · 02/04/2022 15:03

Well done op! That sounds like a very pragmatic and realistic attitude to have, which takes bravery when you are in the middle of a crisis like this, and I'm glad you are feeling empowered Flowers

I know it's been mentioned before, but that level of passivity sounds like depression to me. Have you asked your DH whether he is depressed? Does he need nudging towards the GP?

Be careful though because obviously he deserves help and sympathy if he has a mh issue, but he also needs to try and take responsibility for his own happiness too by seeking treatment. And also, you don't want to get stuck in a situation where you are not quite sure if it is depression or not.

Didimum · 02/04/2022 15:12

Can you tell us how his unhappiness has been manifesting itself? You said in your first post that he’s been low for a while. How long for? What sort of specific things is he doing or not doing?

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/04/2022 15:17

Well done OP!

Start thinking about your return to work. Get solid advice on everything you would be entitled to once you split. Think about a childcare rota.

Fuck him and his mealy-mouthed vague betrayal. Because he is betraying you, OW or not, by checking out on you with no courage or kindness.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/04/2022 15:18

And stop doing his laundry.

MostlyOk · 02/04/2022 15:33

I think he sounds like he could be depressed. He loves you but says the problem is with him? I think Sounds like the real 'dullness' that comes with a deep low. I think if he really wanted 'out', he'd be more likely to be picking at/blaming you, not himself.

First things first, I'd suggest he sees his GP. They'll do an assessment and see if it is his mental health. You've gone through a lot of changes in the last year as a couple but on top of that, the world has been a pretty messed up place too. Many, many people are reporting higher levels of depression and anxiety. This is definitely worth investigating.

Best wishes! There's every possibility you can pull through this.

Onthedunes · 02/04/2022 15:40

This is what they do op, you tie yourself in knots trying to fugure out what the problem is.

He knows what the problem is and you are not going to be able to fix it.

You will begin to get angry because every suggestion you make will have a lack lustre response, his heart is not in it.

Can he get the feeling back? who knows, maybe he's trial running ow to see where it goes and needs you in the background not cramping his style, making you fearful the relationship will end, you will put up with more crap in order to keep him.

Stop trying !

Stop washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning for him, stop all practical help, no organising his life, no sex.

He gets that back when he knows what he wants.

AtrociousCircumstance · 02/04/2022 15:41

Yes exactly this ⬆️ If he’s not sure he wants you, then he doesn’t get all the love and care and thoughtful behaviour nor the constant practical support.

AngelinaFibres · 02/04/2022 16:01

@Karenah86

Wow I'm pretty overwhelmed with all the replies! But lots of great advice so thank you, I actually feel quite empowered! I honestly don't believe there is an OW but maybe I'm being naive. I've asked and he's denied but I know that doesn't mean anything. Going to keep that idea out my head until/unless there's any proof and at least try and salvage our relationship. We've talked more this morning, I've asked how he thinks we can work on things but he still has no suggestions. Everything I suggest, couples therapy, getting someone to babysit so we can go out, even having some time apart from each other, he doesn't seem too bothered about any of it. Which is beyond frustrating and points towards him already having checked out. I'm sure you're all going to say this is because he's had his head turned! He still says he's the problem and he's going to work on fixing himself. I don't know, I feel like we keep talking but go round in circles. Someone mentioned maybe he's trying to push me away and be the one to leave/decide to separate so he doesn't look like the bad guy. Feel like there's quite a lot of truth in that. I was quite emotional about it all yesterday but now I'm thinking more practically and need to start preparing for worst case scenario. its rubbish and I never thought this would happen to us (who does?) But I can't force him to want to be with me/work on things if he doesn't want to.
Well done Op. You can carry on talking. It does no harm and, if he continues to avoid engaging with your suggestions, you can still push forward with your own plans Make it a priority to go back to work.Get copies of financial stuff and put it in a folder. If you never need it then hip hurrah. If you do you will be glad you did. He needs to see a doctor. He may have depression, he may be faking it so that you run around trying to make him happy. Encourage him to go and get an appointment. If he refuses ,that's on him. Keep an eye on his behaviour, how long he spends on his phone, whether he let's you borrow it to Google something. If you want to save the marriage,then that is plan A. Work on it as far as you can. However you need a plan B too. The job and financial information is part of that. If he won't go to couples counselling that's fine,that's his choice. You can still go . It will help you to organise your thoughts with a third party. Good luck.
billy1966 · 02/04/2022 16:21

Great advice above.

Get back to work asap.

This is not a man you can rely on anymore.

Be practical and look at returning to work.

Reach out for support from friends and family.

He has dropped a bomb, you need support.
Flowers

SunflowerTed · 02/04/2022 16:40

I think as somebody said above - speak to yours and his family. If he is depressed then his parents need to know ! When it all comes out about the OW they will be there to support you. Get all your financial info together! Sending love x

Loopytiles · 02/04/2022 16:41

Agree, take some control.

Whatever his motivation for saying he’s unsure he wants your relationship to continue, he doesn’t get to keep you dangling. Nor does he get the benefits of your acts of love, friendship, or domestic work!

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 02/04/2022 16:55

What 'spark' is he expecting when you have a 14 month old?!

AcrossthePond55 · 02/04/2022 16:58

@Karenah86

Wow I'm pretty overwhelmed with all the replies! But lots of great advice so thank you, I actually feel quite empowered! I honestly don't believe there is an OW but maybe I'm being naive. I've asked and he's denied but I know that doesn't mean anything. Going to keep that idea out my head until/unless there's any proof and at least try and salvage our relationship. We've talked more this morning, I've asked how he thinks we can work on things but he still has no suggestions. Everything I suggest, couples therapy, getting someone to babysit so we can go out, even having some time apart from each other, he doesn't seem too bothered about any of it. Which is beyond frustrating and points towards him already having checked out. I'm sure you're all going to say this is because he's had his head turned! He still says he's the problem and he's going to work on fixing himself. I don't know, I feel like we keep talking but go round in circles. Someone mentioned maybe he's trying to push me away and be the one to leave/decide to separate so he doesn't look like the bad guy. Feel like there's quite a lot of truth in that. I was quite emotional about it all yesterday but now I'm thinking more practically and need to start preparing for worst case scenario. its rubbish and I never thought this would happen to us (who does?) But I can't force him to want to be with me/work on things if he doesn't want to.
I'd suggest to him that since he's the one who is 'unhappy' and 'needs to find himself' that he needs to move out on a 'trial basis' so he can do just that. That it's not fair of him to subject you and the DC to his 'unhappiness'. Maybe that will spur him into counseling, maybe it won't. But if he refuses you'll know exactly what his game is; to get you to be the one to leave.

Otherwise you're going to keep suggesting the same things over and over and he's going to keep saying "I don't know" over and over. And you are going to grow more miserable day by day.

Is there an OW? Who knows and it really doesn't matter. Because either he is cheating and you need to end the marriage or he is massively unhappy and he needs to end the marriage. Either way you end up at the same destination.

GreyCarpet · 02/04/2022 17:12

OP, the talking abut himself as the problem, not wanting to engage with therapy, babysitters or getting back on track really does point to there being someone else.

The men who do this quite often feel bad about wanting to leave. They worry about what it says about them as a person; they quote often didn't shelves as the sort of man who would do this; they worry about looking like the bad guy; they worry about what the child will think of them; they wonder if the grass really is greener; they worry about what other people will think/say about them...

If he really wanted to work on it, he'd at least consider your ideas and be proactive. The naval gazing is just a way of looking sincere whilst only thinking about himself and the impact of this on him.

GreyCarpet · 02/04/2022 17:13

*didn't see themselves as the sort of man who would do this

And other typos 🙄

Holdinghnds · 02/04/2022 17:30

@GreyCarpet

OP, the talking abut himself as the problem, not wanting to engage with therapy, babysitters or getting back on track really does point to there being someone else.

The men who do this quite often feel bad about wanting to leave. They worry about what it says about them as a person; they quote often didn't shelves as the sort of man who would do this; they worry about looking like the bad guy; they worry about what the child will think of them; they wonder if the grass really is greener; they worry about what other people will think/say about them...

If he really wanted to work on it, he'd at least consider your ideas and be proactive. The naval gazing is just a way of looking sincere whilst only thinking about himself and the impact of this on him.

Absolutely this. OPs first post could have been written by me a couple of years ago and although it seemed absolutely impossible there was another woman and he’d checked out of our life together. Anything I suggested as to how we could work on things such as couples counselling, date nights etc was met with a similar response as OP is getting. If he was still wanting to continue the relationship he would be doing what he could to build you guys back up. It was a few days before I was told it was over and then turned into a couple of weeks of being gradually blamed for everything and then I found out about OW. I wish I had thought of MN then, I was an absolute mess and I would have benefitted massively from the outpouring of support that this forum has given others in this position. I wish you the best OP and I sincerely hope we’re wrong.
billy1966 · 02/04/2022 17:34

I agree with @GreyCarpet, making all these pronouncements about feeling bad but rejecting any suggestions IS strange and suspicious.

Telling both families is wise.

Suggesting he leave if he is so unhappy and take some space.

Getting your finances sorted is wise.

Hope for the best but being prepared for the worst is alwsys the wise thing to do.

You cannot control nor fix him, but you can mitigate the amount of shit you may find yourself in.

Getting childcare sorted and returning to work is key.

Was he 100% supportive of the decision for you to be a sahm?

Can you pin point exactly when his form soured?

Have you noticed anything else?
Is he protective of his phone, appearance, out of the house more?