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Original poster

divorce, finances and children

91 replies

Humminglikeabee · 01/04/2022 12:02

I have been going through a tough journey for more than 2 years. My husband and I had issues and had to report to police that got him arrested eventually no action being taken by police. I have two children and ever since he got arrested he has been declining to pay private fees as both of them are in private schools. He left family home voluntarily after his arrest but paying the full mortgage and bills. Now he has applied for divorce and refusing to pay fees and asking me to pay half of what he is paying for mortgage and other bills. I work and look after the children. I refused for him to see the children for the past two years until he pay fees. Now I agreed for mediation as he sent me legal notices for children arrangements along with divorce petition which I did not acknowledge or reply. I am single handedly paying private schools.
We both have properties here and abroad almost equal worth.

My questions:

  1. Can I refuse, in mediations, for him to contact the children (8 and 12 years age) until he agrees to pay private school fees as he is still having job and earning better money than me despite the police case?
  1. Can I ask for substantial share in his properties in addition to mine as I look after the children ?
  1. Can I also ask a share in his earnings since he left the matrimonial home as I am looking after the children despite I earn?
  1. Can I refuse divorce until he succumbs to the demands?

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

OP posts:
noirchatsdeux · 01/04/2022 12:08
  1. No
  1. No - see number 4
  1. That would be decided by CMS
  1. No. Courts will rule on the financial agreement if you can't come to a mutual agreement.
Flerp · 01/04/2022 12:12
  1. No. Unless a court has said it, you have no right to prevent his access to children if he's their biological dad. The context of which you were able to send them both to private school no longer exists, so there may be a difficult discussion to have/decision to make. Theyll still have an education in state schools.. Please consider how that comes across.
  1. You can ask, but he's not obliged unless there's a financial order agreed or given by the court. Engage in mediation if not already done so in first instance to see how to close down you two Ltd. The court is within their power to refuse a settlement if it is manifestly unfair to one party.
  1. You can apply for CMS irresptive of earnings, but it'll be less than you may feel entitled to. If you're able to substantially work it doesn't sound like any case for spousal maintanence
  1. I'm not aware of the details of no fault, so that may be beyond your power anyway. If he's asking for it, so you're the respondent, you can claim the marriage has not broken down, but the last person that successfully appealed that had to go to the High Court and was a multi millionaire. In short - it would work.

Think about your language if this post isn't a joke. You've been hurt, that's understandable - but "succumbing to demands" and the rest will not put you in a good reputational position to solicitors and authorities.

Good luck.

Heronwatcher · 01/04/2022 12:14

No you can’t hold him to ransom and say that he can’t see his kids unless he pays for private school fees. If there are safeguarding concerns with the kids, like you think he won’t look after them or abuse them, that’s different. But he has a right to see his kids if this isn’t the case. Would you think this was fair if the tables were turned?

Hard as it may seem you need to work out a way to be financially independent. Get some advice on the other things you mention- such as the division of assets- and agree a financial settlement which will work in the long term. This may include removing your kids from private school but the world will not end.

LemonTT · 01/04/2022 12:19

@Humminglikeabee

I have been going through a tough journey for more than 2 years. My husband and I had issues and had to report to police that got him arrested eventually no action being taken by police. I have two children and ever since he got arrested he has been declining to pay private fees as both of them are in private schools. He left family home voluntarily after his arrest but paying the full mortgage and bills. Now he has applied for divorce and refusing to pay fees and asking me to pay half of what he is paying for mortgage and other bills. I work and look after the children. I refused for him to see the children for the past two years until he pay fees. Now I agreed for mediation as he sent me legal notices for children arrangements along with divorce petition which I did not acknowledge or reply. I am single handedly paying private schools. We both have properties here and abroad almost equal worth.

My questions:

  1. Can I refuse, in mediations, for him to contact the children (8 and 12 years age) until he agrees to pay private school fees as he is still having job and earning better money than me despite the police case?
  1. Can I ask for substantial share in his properties in addition to mine as I look after the children ?
  1. Can I also ask a share in his earnings since he left the matrimonial home as I am looking after the children despite I earn?
  1. Can I refuse divorce until he succumbs to the demands?

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

Well you should be speaking to a solicitor. But if you want half assed SM advice.
  1. No, responsibility for school fees will be addressed in the divorce. Engage with the divorce.
  2. Probably not if you have equal wealth and are housed. A bigger share of assets is awarded to lower earning spouses to support a clean break. It is to help meet their needs. There is very little justification if needs are met with a 50% share.
3.You can apply for child support through CMS or the divorce. There might be justification for school fees to be part of it if he is a very very high earner.
  1. No. And why would you want to do this? You claim to be suffering financially.
Original poster
Humminglikeabee · 01/04/2022 12:44

Thank you all so much for your swift and kind responses. I want to address some of the points/questions raised in the conversation.
I am sorry for my language but my intention was to make sure my rights are properly protected.

  1. regarding private schools, he is arguing the same that the context does not exist and that there are good schools in our area. However, my argument has been that he agreed, and the children have been going to private schools before prior our separation. He cannot take the separation as a reason for stopping private education as he is earning good money (I also do).
  1. He is a consultant and has left over money accruing in his limited company as he is only taking salary. I have a company and I don't have money as I have been paying for fee all my salary as he is refusing though he is paying for mortgage and bills. Can I claim the money/share in his company like 75% and above as I have two children that I am looking after?
We both have properties equal worth, as I am looking after the two kids in addition to my job, can I also claim his assets for the future of the kids as if he gets married to someone else we lose those properties? 3.
  1. I am the respondent of the divorce petition but I neither acknowledged the petition nor responded to it and the time is up now. he has applied for decree nisi now but I am planning to contest this, not sure if this works. he has given unreasonable behaviours as reason for divorce with his arrest by police one of the main one.
OP posts:
baileys6904 · 01/04/2022 12:51

How dare you deprive your children of seeing their father?

Have you any idea how fucked up that could make them.

The courts will decide what financial contributions he makes, and for what, but stop weaponising your children

Danikm151 · 01/04/2022 13:04

This can't be real!
You haven't let him see his children in 2 years because he won't pay for private school fees! He's been paying the bills and mortgage on a house he doesn't live in but you still want more money. he wants you to pay half but you're refusing. Succumbs to the demands? Sell one of your properties to pay for private school if you really want your children to go there.

read back what you have written and tell me how any of it seems fair financially.

Original poster
Humminglikeabee · 01/04/2022 13:22

@Danikm151

This can't be real! You haven't let him see his children in 2 years because he won't pay for private school fees! He's been paying the bills and mortgage on a house he doesn't live in but you still want more money. he wants you to pay half but you're refusing. Succumbs to the demands? Sell one of your properties to pay for private school if you really want your children to go there.

read back what you have written and tell me how any of it seems fair financially.

Thank you. but the children started private schools before we even separated so how come he says now he does not support it while earns and can pay for them? how is this fair on children to discontinuing something in the middle just because I reported him to police? Why I should sell my property, he can do his as he is not being responsible father depriving of their rightful education?
OP posts:
LemonTT · 01/04/2022 13:32

He isn’t depriving them of an education. There are non fee paying schools. If you want to try to make a case for additional child support you need to engage in the divorce process. If you don’t, it will happen anyway. Just without your input. A position that will not go down well when presented in court. Indeed you could find yourself responsible for court fees which could have been avoided.

Not allowing them to see their father is parental alienation

The only way you can secure more of a 50:50 split is to demonstrate need. To do that you have to engage in the divorce process. You need a solution as much as he does.

Divorce laws exist and they will be applied. Whether that fits with your own views on the matter or not. You are basically cutting off your nose here. Decisions will be made in court and if you carry on like this you will be paying the legal fees.

Crazycrazylady · 01/04/2022 13:37

Op
If he drags this to court You are totally goosed. Surely your solicitor has advised you that this was crazy behaviour and that the family courts will take a very dim view of your behaviour. I guarantee it will affect your settlement .
Ps your behaviour to your children is disgusting . They would have benefited far more by having their father in their lives than by being at a private school.

Flerp · 01/04/2022 13:38

A private education is not a right. Its a luxury they've been able to benefit from.

You can appeal the nisi but you're being foolish. If the marriage has broken down just proceed with it - you're wasting unnecessary time and money.

You and Partner Ltd no longer exist. You're a company now that's not effectively trading, and there are a number of assets that you need to sort out before you close the company down. It is not reasonable, irrespective of what you think of him, to expect every asset to be over to you in your favour, nor will a court look favourably on you for your attitude.

You're hurt. We get it, but you need an urgent reality check.

CombatBarbie · 01/04/2022 13:44

How much is the mortgage and how much is the school fees?

SPL2022 · 01/04/2022 13:57

Incredibly sad that the children have not seen their father for two years because you've stood in the way. Very petty imo

Original poster
Humminglikeabee · 01/04/2022 14:11

@CombatBarbie

How much is the mortgage and how much is the school fees?
mortgage and bills he is paying 2k per month school fees for both the children 30k per annum
OP posts:
Chatwin · 01/04/2022 14:16

Your children haven't seen their father for 2 years? That is completely unacceptable and in future they may never forgive you for preventing them from that relationship.

DaphneSprucesPippasClack · 01/04/2022 14:16

You need a solicitor not mumsnet.

Chatwin · 01/04/2022 14:19

Your poor children

Iwonder08 · 01/04/2022 14:21

You are insanely selfish. Whatever money you want to squeeze from the guy by all means get a pushy lawyer, but restricting access to children is beyond cruel to them.

Original poster
Humminglikeabee · 01/04/2022 14:30

@Iwonder08

You are insanely selfish. Whatever money you want to squeeze from the guy by all means get a pushy lawyer, but restricting access to children is beyond cruel to them.
but is he not selfish when he stopped paying for private schools and ask me to send the children to the state schools now? why our separation should be a curse for children?
OP posts:
Original poster
Humminglikeabee · 01/04/2022 14:31

and further my children now do not want to see him any way.

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 01/04/2022 14:32

So realistically you could say that he is paying over half the fees but your dressing it up as the mortgage and bills.

Birkenshock · 01/04/2022 14:36

So he pays £2K a month? So he's paying 50% of their school fees currently, and you pay 50%, seems fair?

And then you cover the mortgage and bills for your home, and he covers for his. Again, seems fair.

Of course the children should see their father.

Original poster
Humminglikeabee · 01/04/2022 14:37

@CombatBarbie

So realistically you could say that he is paying over half the fees but your dressing it up as the mortgage and bills.
but he earns and he is not looking after the children, he is just himself
OP posts:
Original poster
Humminglikeabee · 01/04/2022 14:39

I am paying full fees my self and other bills come around 3k per month while he only pays around 2k for our matrimonial home and bills.

I am asking him to pay full fees as he is not looking after the children.

OP posts:
Birkenshock · 01/04/2022 14:40

You said "he is not looking after the children, just himself", but the point of his petition is that he WANTS to look after his children, it is you not allowing him.

He's willing to give you 2K a month, which is 50% of their schools fees, but you want him to pay the whole lot?