divorce, finances and children

[Humminglikeabee]

I have been going through a tough journey for more than 2 years. My husband and I had issues and had to report to police that got him arrested eventually no action being taken by police. I have two children and ever since he got arrested he has been declining to pay private fees as both of them are in private schools. He left family home voluntarily after his arrest but paying the full mortgage and bills. Now he has applied for divorce and refusing to pay fees and asking me to pay half of what he is paying for mortgage and other bills. I work and look after the children. I refused for him to see the children for the past two years until he pay fees. Now I agreed for mediation as he sent me legal notices for children arrangements along with divorce petition which I did not acknowledge or reply. I am single handedly paying private schools.
We both have properties here and abroad almost equal worth.

My questions:

1. Can I refuse, in mediations, for him to contact the children (8 and 12 years age) until he agrees to pay private school fees as he is still having job and earning better money than me despite the police case?

1. Can I ask for substantial share in his properties in addition to mine as I look after the children ?

1. Can I also ask a share in his earnings since he left the matrimonial home as I am looking after the children despite I earn?

1. Can I refuse divorce until he succumbs to the demands?

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

Separation or divorce affects the money available so therefore he can say private education is no longer affordable.Education of children HAS to be jointly agreed, you can't decide what school.

When this gets to court you will be judged as highly unreasonable and your youngest child will be deemed too young to make the decision to not see their father.

You need to engage a solicitor ASAP and LISTEN to their advice. You will be harshly treated by a judge if you continue to make unilateral decisions regarding the children.

I assume you are in the UK but perhaps you are in a different country and that might make a difference??

It is not cash for kids. You need to separate access from your financial discussions.

Your children need independent support to be reintroduced to their dad as they have most likely been poisoned by your actions.

Divorce is very common and lawyers mostly know what they are talking about. Listen to yours, even if you don’t like what yours is telling you. Or get another one and listen to them.

Your poor children.

OK, so if you both made a commitment to private education and you can afford to keep your children there, then I agree with you that the children should not have to move schools.

But not letting him see the children is unforgivable.

Finances and contact are two separate issues - you should not be muddling them.

You need to expedite the divorce. Financial matters will be agreed in the financial settlement. That may include provision for school fees and will include maintenance for the children.

Why are you standing in the way of the divorce?

@Humminglikeabee

and further my children now do not want to see him any way.

Do you have a solicitor OP? If not I suggest you get one and listen carefully to their advice.

These children have a right to a relationship with both of their parents and you shouldn't be standing in their way unless you have concerns that they'll be at risk with him. You should not be using their relationship with their father as a lever a financial settlement. It's not surprising that they don't want to see him after all of this time. A court may well look on this as alienation and you risk losing if he seeks to have residence transferred to him.

Op must be a writer for the Daily Mail. This feel like we'll see it online soon...

@Goldbar

OK, so if you both made a commitment to private education and you can afford to keep your children there, then I agree with you that the children should not have to move schools.

But not letting him see the children is unforgivable.

Finances and contact are two separate issues - you should not be muddling them.

You need to expedite the divorce. Financial matters will be agreed in the financial settlement. That may include provision for school fees and will include maintenance for the children.

Why are you standing in the way of the divorce?

Yes before the issues and separation we both agreed to send them to private schools as we can afford it. But he now says, things have changed, and that he wants to move the children to the local state schools as currently the private schools are away home about an hour despite the fact that he is still be able to afford them to pay. I cannot force my children to see him if they don't want to.

Of course you children don’t want to see him anymore, they’re victims of parental alienation.

Here's an explanation of how the courts are treating alienation at the moment OP raydensolicitors.co.uk/blog/parental-alienation-transferring-residence/

There are worries about alienation being used to stop abused women from safeguarding their children but that sounds very far from your case. A court is not going to be impressed by the attitude of I refused for him to see the children for the past two years until he pay fees and I cannot force my children to see him if they don't want to

I'm with PP; when this gets to court, you are so fucked. You will lose, and he has a good case for parental alienation from where I sit, so they could well end up with him as RP, and/or completely no contact with you in adult life.

Plus OP, plenty of children have to move out of private education when circumstances change. Education is a decision for both parents and it's completely unreasonble for you to try to hold him to it. It's not as if the children are in crucial exam years where there is only a short time left and moving is going to disrupt their exams.

Is this a reverse?

Discussions around child access and financials should be completely separate.

Restricting his access to the dc is wrong on so many levels.

@Mia85

Here's an explanation of how the courts are treating alienation at the moment OP raydensolicitors.co.uk/blog/parental-alienation-transferring-residence/

There are worries about alienation being used to stop abused women from safeguarding their children but that sounds very far from your case. A court is not going to be impressed by the attitude of I refused for him to see the children for the past two years until he pay fees and I cannot force my children to see him if they don't want to

I have never said in writing that I will not let him see the children. However he put it in writing that he would not support the private schools as the paths diverged. Moreover, my older one can decide himself whether he wants to see his father or not and no judge ever force the children against their wishes.

OP you are supremely selfish and entitled. I don’t even have words about your horrible parenting. Your children have suffered due to your over-inflated ego and now you claim the children don’t want to see their father, well whose fault is that?

I have never said in writing that I will not let him see the children. However he put it in writing that he would not support the private schools as the paths diverged

You seem to think that him saying he no longer supports private school is some sort of massive gotcha, and it really, really is not. Very few couples are wealthy enough not to have to rethink private school in the event of divorce.

You do not remotely have a leg to stand on with your demands.

Preventing your children from having a relationship with their father because you don’t feel he is giving you the right amount of money is unacceptable. It sounds very much like you have been engaging in parental alienation which is very much frowned upon by the courts. It is also extremely damaging to children’s mental well-being. They probably are saying they don’t want to see him now as you have prevented him from having a relationship with them for 2 years while no doubt speaking badly about him to them. If you don’t sort your behaviour out you stand a decent chance of losing custody.

Are you in England OP and do you have a solicitor? You seem to have a very complacent attitude to this. Courts don't just go on what parents have been foolish enough to put in writing. They would want an explanation as to why you have been preventing contact.

Moreover, my older one can decide himself whether he wants to see his father or not and no judge ever force the children against their wishes. This is very naive. The courts might take his view into account but they are not going to simply take it as the end of the matter, especially if they think that there has been alienation. Look e.g. at this case with much older children www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed144515 and look at the cases in the solicitors firm's blog post I put above. Lots of cases where teens have been moved to the other parent against their wishes where alienation has been taking place.

Here is a case of a 12 year old being moved to the father when the court found there's been alienation www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed203996

I am not saying that this would happen in your case, we don't know what the dad wants anyway, but the courts really do take this seriously. Parents are expected to co-operate so that the children have a relationship with both of them unless there are risks of harm.

@Mia85

Here is a case of a 12 year old being moved to the father when the court found there's been alienation www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed203996

I am not saying that this would happen in your case, we don't know what the dad wants anyway, but the courts really do take this seriously. Parents are expected to co-operate so that the children have a relationship with both of them unless there are risks of harm.

I know a case from a very close circle as well. Child was removed from the mother and placed with father - literally it happened the same day as the court hearing.

You are walking on a thin ice @Humminglikeabee . Your reasoning that the father doesn’t deserve to see his kids cause he won’t pay £30 k school fees is wrong on SO MANY levels.

@Mia85

Are you in England OP and do you have a solicitor? You seem to have a very complacent attitude to this. Courts don't just go on what parents have been foolish enough to put in writing. They would want an explanation as to why you have been preventing contact.

Moreover, my older one can decide himself whether he wants to see his father or not and no judge ever force the children against their wishes. This is very naive. The courts might take his view into account but they are not going to simply take it as the end of the matter, especially if they think that there has been alienation. Look e.g. at this case with much older children www.familylawweek.co.uk/site.aspx?i=ed144515 and look at the cases in the solicitors firm's blog post I put above. Lots of cases where teens have been moved to the other parent against their wishes where alienation has been taking place.

Yes, I am in England, now I have a lawyer who suggest we appeal against the decree nisi although we missed the deadline as I don't agree with the unreasonable behaviour. when he asked for establishing children contact, he proposed to go for mediation. but I don't think any of the children want to see their father...I am tensed with this...I am looking after the children and paying for their private education all alone and I am not complacent in terms of children...

You are deluded. You are causing them more damage than the worst state school could possibly do. You absolutely can poison them against their father and make sure they say in front of a judge they don't want to see him, but even if someone will take it into account (which I doubt) it is very likely your children will realise what happened when they are adults, that you have deprived them from their dad and you will end up all alone and bitter

How old are your children OP?

OP, you are in for a rude awakening if you head to family court. I have no idea what sort of solicitor is advising you and telling you that the route you are taking is in the best interests of the children.

1. Short of there being safeguarding issues, your children should never have been prevented from seeing their father. Shame on you, your poor children. So no, you have (and have had) ZERO grounds to prevent your children seeing their father. You can try and insist on whatever you fancy in mediation, you’re being entirely unreasonable however and as such mediation is likely to fail. If this ends up in front of a family court judge, you risk findings being made against you. Family court judges take a very dim view of parents using children as pawns within financial proceedings. Rightly so.

In terms of private education, again, your ex is under zero onus to pay fees. Larger marital homes and private schools are not viewed as essentials in divorce proceedings. You can be asked to downsize (if applicable) and/ or move the children to state schooling.

2. Doubtful, especially if your STBXH comes swinging for 50/50 after your actions. A judge will view that both parties will require adequate housing for the children. You may get slightly more as a primary carer but your ex is well within his rights to go for a 50/50 carving of assets.

3. are you alluding to spousal support? Why would you be awarded this despite earning yourself? You may get something but that is likely to be maximum until your youngest is in secondary. Spousal support is not there to support your life choices (private schooling). You have elected to keep your children in private school and that was your decision. The fact that that has drained your reserves is your choice and yours alone. It seems this has been a deliberate ploy on your side as in the carving of assets, you now have less on paper.

4. I don’t think so, haven’t the Uk literally just implemented no fault divorces?

You sound a lot like a colleagues EXW. Exceptionally high conflict, and with a relentless focus on your ‘rights.’ They have fought via courts for over 6 years (over everything and it shows no signs of abating).

The kids are emotionally screwed (she too tried to deny him access) and courts awarded it to stagger and build up. The kids have been and are traumatised. He alone has spent in the region of £250k in legal fees, I can imagine her bill is just as ridiculous. They have fought about everything. Nothing can ever be settled via mediation.

The kids have lost. They have both lost financially. Only the lawyers have gained. To this day she will bad mouth him to anyone who will listen because in her mind the children are ‘hers’ and all he should do is pay what she feels she is entitled to (she didn’t win btw).

I am looking after the children and paying for their private education all alone and I am not complacent in terms of children

That was your choice. You have been the one to deny their father any access. You’re not complacent? In what regard? You’ve removed your childrens father from their lives because of private school fees and you think that makes you a good parent? 🙄

You lost any sympathy with me when I read you’d refused him contact because he didn’t pay the fees.

I am relieved to hear you now have a lawyer. Are they a family law specialist? It seems very odd to be focused on challenging the decree nisi. It doesn't sound as if either of you want to be in this marriage and anyone who knows anything about divorce will tell you that it really doesn't matter who gets the divorce and on what basis, that's why the law is imminently about to change. You could spend a lot of money and time doing something that's futile at best.

The real priority is the child arrangements and the finances. I hope you have a lawyer who can give you sensible professional advice on that. It sounds as if it is vital.