divorce, finances and children

[Humminglikeabee]

I have been going through a tough journey for more than 2 years. My husband and I had issues and had to report to police that got him arrested eventually no action being taken by police. I have two children and ever since he got arrested he has been declining to pay private fees as both of them are in private schools. He left family home voluntarily after his arrest but paying the full mortgage and bills. Now he has applied for divorce and refusing to pay fees and asking me to pay half of what he is paying for mortgage and other bills. I work and look after the children. I refused for him to see the children for the past two years until he pay fees. Now I agreed for mediation as he sent me legal notices for children arrangements along with divorce petition which I did not acknowledge or reply. I am single handedly paying private schools.
We both have properties here and abroad almost equal worth.

My questions:

1. Can I refuse, in mediations, for him to contact the children (8 and 12 years age) until he agrees to pay private school fees as he is still having job and earning better money than me despite the police case?

1. Can I ask for substantial share in his properties in addition to mine as I look after the children ?

1. Can I also ask a share in his earnings since he left the matrimonial home as I am looking after the children despite I earn?

1. Can I refuse divorce until he succumbs to the demands?

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks

You have legal advice but have wildly outrageous expectations.

1. As a man with 2 kids, child maintenance is a minimum of 16% gross weekly income. This is the only money that he has to pay.

1. He can stop paying school fees and insist you use state schools. As a self employed person, he can fiddle his figures to make it look like he earns less which means less child maintenance so you need to be careful here.

1. Property and pensions is the most unpredictable bit. When one person gets 60% or 70% it's because of reasons like they don't earn much so can't get a mortgage or they look after a disabled child so can't work

1. You were VERY unreasonable to withhold contact because he wasn't paying fees. Courts see money and contact as totally separate issues and you will not be seen favourably by the judge. If your ex applies for 50-50 contact, he could get it. This means no child maintenance is payable. Withholding contact the way you did is seen as emotion abuse btw.

Your poor children - fancy stopping them seeing their dad.

Why are you challenging the nisi? Don't you want to speed up the process of divorce? Challenging the nisi is just extra money for the lawyers.

There could be a case for him to pay a % proportional to his income towards school fees, and bills to sustain childrens' housing. Be careful that income isn't hidden away in his company though. Unlike pp I agree he should pay school fees as this was jointly agreed prior to divorce and his financial circumstances haven't changed. But my opinion doesn't matter, its the courts that does. I'd imagine the law may say, where reasonable, children's lives should continue without disruption. (state schools can be much better than private obviously, but that's not the point here, disruption is, so hope your insistence isn't coming from snobbery) Also matters why the police were involved. Is the divorce his fault, did he cheat?

Yabu not letting him see the children though. Don't do that, it'll come back to bite you. Kids will grow and question this and legally you're not putting yourself in a good place. Plus he'll only resent you more like this.

@Snog

How old are your children OP?

15 years and 8 years

How on earth do you manage to stop your ex husband from contacting his 15 year old? Surely he just messages him?

OP I have seen my mother once in 28 years ( my choice), due to her behaviour using me to play games and win points in her divorce with my father. The time 28 years ago was at my brother funeral, who she had absolutely fucked up and made him miserable during said divorce.

Its literally not just the courts you should be worrying about.

Buy literally all you have spoken about is the money and how unfair it is. Not a single word about your poor fucking kids and how they are doing.

I'd advise you consider your priorities

Ok well the 15 year old is too old for the court to interfere with. The 8 year old categorically can be 'forced' to see his or her father.

This has nothing to do with school fees, for your own benefit please stop linking them. It will do you no favours in court and frankly no favours emotionally.

It is your children's right to have a relationship with their father. It is incredibly damaging for children to be put in a situation like this - not only for now but for their future relationships in adult life.

The OP says 12 and 8

@texasschmexas

There could be a case for him to pay a % proportional to his income towards school fees, and bills to sustain childrens' housing. Be careful that income isn't hidden away in his company though. Unlike pp I agree he should pay school fees as this was jointly agreed prior to divorce and his financial circumstances haven't changed. But my opinion doesn't matter, its the courts that does. I'd imagine the law may say, where reasonable, children's lives should continue without disruption. (state schools can be much better than private obviously, but that's not the point here, disruption is, so hope your insistence isn't coming from snobbery) Also matters why the police were involved. Is the divorce his fault, did he cheat?

Yabu not letting him see the children though. Don't do that, it'll come back to bite you. Kids will grow and question this and legally you're not putting yourself in a good place. Plus he'll only resent you more like this.

Thank you so much. Yes absolutely, he should pay for them not disrupting the continuity. He is arguing that the private schools are far from our home and that he does not feel they are right places for the children. I reported to the police on domestic violence which got him arrested but police after investigation dropped the case with no action. He applied for divorce citing 'unreasonable behaviour' but I never replied to the petition and he applied for decree nisi which my lawyer said will contest. he put unreasonable behaviour that I filed a false police case that got him arrested.

Totally separate from the contact issue, on which I completely agree with pp that the OP is in the wrong, but I'm not sure why everyone is saying that it is unreasonable to expect the OP's ex to pay private school fees. This is quite a common order which is made in financial proceedings when the parties have the means available. If possible, it's best to ensure educational stability for the children. He should not have stopped contributing to the fees pending the ultimate financial settlement if he could afford to. If there are sufficient assets/income, I would have thought the OP would have a good chance of getting a contribution for the 15yo's fees at least. They should not be expected to move school in their exam years.

Well her OP says the children (8 and 12 years age) but the eldest has now become 15 (perhaps there are 3 children)?

I agree the fees for the 15 year old to finish public exams would be a priority but no-one here has any information about the schools, their finances and the children's educational needs so it is essentially impossible to judge. She's certainly not unreasonable to raise the issue in negotiations but she seems to be under the impression that once the children have been put in private school he has an obligation that she can hold over him. She is clearly utterly unreasonable to withhold the children over it.

He is arguing that the private schools are far from our home and that he does not feel they are right places for the children. I reported to the police on domestic violence

So domestic violence case might tip judgement in your favour (if you can prove it, did you record things, go to the gp? Sorry this has happened to you by the way... ) but non contact could tip the opposite way, unless there was any suspicioun of violence against children of course, or the violent environment was being detrimental to kids mental health. My general advice is don't go from victim to perpetrator by not letting him see the children.

His argument around private school is nonsense. Presumably the school was always the same distance to the house? In any case, he's not the one shuttling the kids to school, so why is that relevant. Plus the ages of children mean there'd be a real disruption to their educational environment. I would imagine you might have a good case there. But you need to make sure he can't hide his assets. Hopefully he hasn't changed his contractor role recently..

You also filed a false domestic violence report on your ex.. And prevent him from seeing the kids. I don't envy you in court. I wouldn't be susprised if the judge will rule for your ex to be a resident parent. You still have time to stop this madness and try to rebuild the bridges to co-parent

Yes. Absolutely orders can be made within financial hearings.

Either it can be done via mediation if both parties agree. Or it can form part of a financial settlement where the joint assets upon carving are substantial enough such that out of the ‘joint’ pot an agreed sum of money is held to fund education as opposed to being given to either of the parties.

Where (however) one party is absolutely adamant that private fees are not in anyway sustainable longer term and that is to be paid out of monthly income / or assets, it is not remotely black and white in a court. Private schooling is viewed as a luxury vs a necessity.

The actual reason the OP is being met by such hostility is because she actually seems to think that private school is more important than the children's father. It’s outrageous behaviour.

I hope the family courts haul the OP over the coals.

@Iwonder08

You also filed a false domestic violence report on your ex.. And prevent him from seeing the kids. I don't envy you in court. I wouldn't be susprised if the judge will rule for your ex to be a resident parent. You still have time to stop this madness and try to rebuild the bridges to co-parent

No he is claiming it is a false report. The op says there was domestic violence. Plenty of genuine cases are dropped by police.

Thank you again. The achool is same as before. But he says he no longer supports schooling private. The police unfortunately 'dropped' the case with no action taken whatsoever. I had seen pharmacy couple of days later and bought pain killers. Yes he has means to pay. I heard he is still continuing the job.

It's not me who is stopping , he is old enough to decide for himself.

Are there 3 children- 8, 12 and 15 op?

Sorry only two 15 and 8 typo

Your belief in the need to maintain private schooling aside you haven't once spoken about what is best for your DC. You've given no real reason to deny DC contact with their father. Non payment of school fees is not a legal or moral reason to deny contact with their father. Nor is it an argument the court will look favorably on. When you've been stopping contact for 2 years the court isn't going to think your eldest not wanting to have contact is something in your favour. You've stopped them seeing their Dad, you haven't even tried to resolve this by seeking mediation, the court is not going to look favourably on this. Nor is the argument you need more because you have the children more a valid argument when you've stopped contact. Easy counter, he says he'd have the DC 50/50, but you won't allow it. Stop trying to block everything, the court is not going to punish him, organise mediation and work towards getting all the finances and child arrangements squared away.

Is payment of school fees the only reason to withhold contact for two years? Surely there must be something else?

Financial arrangements & contact with children should have always been kept as separate issues. There is no excuse unless they were at risk of abuse. You shouldn't use contact as a means to punish.

And if the op had engaged with the divorce process (or taken the lead) she probably would have been through the majority of the financial process already.

Given all that has happened however I'd hope that continuity of schooling is in the childrens best interests.

I don't understand why you've delayed engaged in the process of divorce. You could have cross petitioned months ago. Really - hard hat on - the reasons for divorce are irrelevant once you involve children. It's always he said, she said.

Listen to your solicitor even if the advice is uncomfortable.

You can take him to court under section 1 of the children's act for the fees. As it would be in the best interest of the children to stay at school as it sounds like it's been their one constant. However your case would not be clear cut because he has been contributing to your household. This then allows you to pay the fees. I'd be inclined to barrister up for any mediation. The other side is going to go for you over PA. They will say that your DV allegations are not established in court. Expect waves of allegations and outright lies regarding the financial declarations from the other side. It will be nasty and draining. You may well be in better position with what he's giving you now than fighting for more.

Your children deserve a relationship with their father. As long as their safety and wellbeing isn't at risk.

The dv allegations did not even go to court... can I ask the police/court to reconsider?