Partner is pretending like I’m not pregnant and it is making me miserable

[Numallgoff]

I’m 25 and he is 10 years older than me, we have a son each from previous relationships and our family blends well. His son only stays for the summer and my son is away at weekends with his Dad. We wanted kids together but this baby wasn’t planned (contraceptive failure) and we were in shock. He didn’t react well at first but over the next week he came round and said we’d manage it. I understand he may not be thrilled as he is currently unemployed (job lost due to covid) and looking for work so is worried about money but it’s really frustrating me how he won’t help around the house. I do all the cleaning and cooking, he expects me to make him coffee all day, do the shopping alone, do the school run. I’m 10 weeks but I’m absolutely shattered this time round. If I say i’m feeling tired or sore he ignores me. He hasn’t mentioned the pregnancy since we had a chat like 2 weeks ago and agreed to support each other. I rang my gp to get my booking appointment sorted and didn’t mention anything because it feels so awkward talking about the pregnancy when he’s acting like it’s not happening. He’s even been asking me to rub HIS back in bed a lot which I found odd.

I’m starting to feel like he dislikes the fact he should really be looking out for me a bit more and is trying to turn the attention onto himself. We’re very close with his family and he hasn’t even asked me about sharing the news. Again he acts like it’s not even happening. I feel overwhelmed, alone and upset.

Has anyone else had to deal with this strange behaviour? Should I just push past the awkwardness and talk to him about the pregnancy anyway? And am I reasonable for wanting maybe a little bit more help at the moment..

How long have you been with him for? And why does he only see his son in the summer?

There is a lot of work about at the moment, my 16 year old has a job, and other offers rolling in! Picked up in about 2 min search online. Tonnes of retail work, cleaning work, it's not all amazingly well paid but there's a lot about because covid and The Great Resignation means lots of employers can't find anyone to do the work for love nor money. So, I don't get why he hasn't done something to fill the gap, at least temporarily.

It's not help you need, it's input.
He should be doing his fair share.

He expects you to make him his coffee? FFS bin him.

You do not have to have the baby

Nothing to do with pregnancy, but why would any adult live with another adult who expects them to wait on them ?

I feel sorry for you OP. Why are you doing this to yourself?! He's not going to get any better!

I do all the cleaning and cooking, he expects me to make him coffee all day, do the shopping alone, do the school run.

You being pregnant is irrelevant - you shouldn’t be doing all of the cooking and cleaning etc especially considering he’s nit working.

What does he actually do all day?
Do you work?

He saw you coming didn’t he? 10 years younger and willing to provide no-cost 24/7 maid services with added benefits.

Throw this one back.

This is odd. Do you have a job or are you both unemployed? What does he do all day if you’ve to act like his carer?

Why on earth are you doing everything?? Pregnant or not, why are you running around after him? I don't know if you work, but if you don't, that's 2 adults with the same time to spend on housework, shopping, running errands etc etc. If you work, then he should be doing much more than you.

So is he just lazy and selfish, or a lazy, selfish mysognist? Either way, doesn't bode well as a father.

Then there's the matter of him ignoring the fact you're pregnant.

You deserve better. Your child deserves a better set-father figure than this lazy one, and your unborn child deserves better.

You can start making a change now. Stop running around after him. You aren't his servant or housekeeper. Share the chores so you have the same downtime. Ask him if he's going to step up and be a decent father while you are pregnant and when you have baby. Does he intend to do his fair share? Even he's back at work does he understand he'll need to share week end lie-ins and childcare and everything else that being a half decent father entails.

His responses may help you form an opinion, but I think he'll have to make some pretty rapid and significant changes to reassure you he's going to step up to being a good dad.

You need to perhaps consider the relationship might be over and maybe consider a termination,

You’ve got essentially another child in him

@Laptopsandmouses

This is odd. Do you have a job or are you both unemployed? What does he do all day if you’ve to act like his carer?

This.

You caught a loser unfortunately.

Wow okay firstly thank you for all the responses, greatly appreciated.

Reading over the comments it is clear to me I have ridiculously low standards and expectations and have been putting up with this BS for far too long.

To clarify a few peoples questions

• his son only visits summer as the mother moved to england (we’re in n.ireland) to be with a new man, so he cant come over during his school terms.
• the house is mine, the bills are paid from my bank account (benefits)
• I was looking for part time work to work around my sons school hours and stuff but he insisted i’d be better staying home while he works, yet he had not found a job yet
• claims he looks every day for jobs but is extremely picky, he is highly qualified and experienced in building antennas as well as warehouse work but claims he cant find anything in that field here (he moved here from the republic of ireland)
• Yes unfortunately I do support his son coming over paying for flights etc and special occasions as I suppose I felt sorry for him as he was devastated when the ex moved country with the child

I was a single mother with my 1st child, I am not sure about a termination but with what everyone has pointed out I’m seriously looking at accepting i’ll be on my own with the children.

Whether you stay with him or not you’ll be raising this child as a single parent.

@GrazingSheep

No you’re not unreasonable. Unfortunately you’re in a relationship with a fucking arsehole.

Hahaha this is so true.

Oh and @Laptopsandmouses what does he do all day?

Well he spends most of it sleeping in while i’m away getting buses to drop my son to school and when i’m back he spends the rest of the time on the playstation playing games with his son as “its the only way they can bond long distance” (meaning it’s made me feel awkward and that I can’t tell him to cut it down)

Why does he live so far away from his son?

As above! Ditch him before he takes your property etc.

I am really sorry to hear this OP. He sounds like a generally lazy article but also yes, someone who doesn’t want another baby and is in denial about it.

I think you have to assume you will be doing this on your own, so have a think about what’s realistic for you and plan from there.

Has he got a license? Because if he has there are lots of driving jobs and funded HGV course to be had in NI.

Ok this relationship is bullshit. I’m sorry. I can’t advise you on your pregnancy, that’s your choice and yours alone, but the waste of space man who has inveigled his way into your life has got to go. He’s pointless.

@VodselForDinner

Why does he live so far away from his son?

Sorry, I didn’t see your post where you addressed this.

The son is in England, you’re in NI and he only sees him once a year?

Most women wouldn’t choose to have a baby with this man if they were paid.

He’s already failing one child, why let him do it to another?

Flights from Belfast to London are about 50 quid, and this prick won't pay that to see his child a few times a year? Do yourself and your current DC a favour and get rid of this waste, he is taking time, effort and money away from your child. Seriously consider if you want to be a single parent to two children because this guy is not going to step up.

Your update is even worse.

Kick out this cocklodger. You pay the bills. You do everything around the house. You work.

Wtf does he do ?

He’s even got you bankrolling his kid. Unbelievable.

@VodselForDinner

He lived in the south of Ireland, and so did his ex. For 6 years he had his son every 2nd weekend and lived 10 mins away from him. We were about a year into our relationship when she decided to move to Essex to be with her new partner. My bf didn’t have the money to fly back and fourth constantly and due to covid it was also difficult so she agreed to let him have him the entire summer holidays but that is when my partner decided to move in with me (I let him truly believing he was a good father who was devastated and had a lot of bad luck at once) and obviously since then it’s like he had just given up and taken advantage of what I had to offer. sigh I should have suspected the fact he would go for someone my age rather than someone in their 30s.

Oh babe :( what a pig. I know I said that already but just to reiterate.