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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend issue

76 replies

morebrusselsplease · 30/03/2022 16:08

NC & I need to write this without being outted.

Friends for 20 years. Over the years the friendship has evolved and has finally reached the state it is now: namely a hell of a lot of asks and favours of me from her. This has come between me and DH who has previously said there are 3 of us in the marriage and says she is a user. Friend is cheeky beyond all limits with her asks and favours; these have grown over the years and are all for her own needs. She is my only close friend. Without her I would have no else to go out with, no one else for girlie nights in and out etc. only through her am I part of a wider group of girls. She can demand a lot of my time, due to her own home set up.

On the other hand, friend is a laugh and we have a great time together and with our group. This can be more on her terms (i.e. where she wants to go etc) but I usually like most of the places she wants to go to. I wouldn't want to not be friends as we have a good time when out. I guess the question I am asking is how do I manage the asks/requests/favours but still be friends ? she doesn't seem to ask other people the same of what she asks me.

She has put me in some really difficult positions with regards to requests/favours/asks of me; at times, my DH has been fuming with me over the amount I do for her and this has on occasions caused friction in our marriage.

I cannot sustain what she asks of me and the awkward positions she unknowingly puts me in (by admitting to her they are awkward positions, it would mean telling her that my DH actually detests her, as a result of her selfishness (his words)).

She is unaware of how awkward she makes things for me. She is unaware of the stress she puts me under. She is unaware of the amount of my time she demands and how much pressure this puts me under. She is unaware of anyone, except herself.

Any advice (other than ditch her) ?

OP posts:

TicTacToe10 · 01/04/2022 11:18

Well done on asking for the money. What did she say about the £4 the other day? You are doing the right thing. She needs to respect your boundaries. She's lucky to be getting a lift at all! I would back off with doing favors. It's sounds like a high anxiety friendship.

Original poster

morebrusselsplease · 01/04/2022 11:22

@TicTacToe10 she said 'many thanks for ordering. I have sent the money to your bank account'.
Great stuff. I do do wonder if she is quietly thinking 'it was only £4, how bloody tight of morebrussels'. if it was someone else and a one off then I probably wouldn't even ask for the £4. But there have now been too many favours and the monetary cost has collectively just added up too much.

OP posts:

TicTacToe10 · 01/04/2022 11:26

I am pleased she laid what she owed you. I would reduce the number of non monetary favours too and hopefully she will get the message. I am dealing with a similiar situation in which a friend has become comdependent on me and messages very frequently as well as turning up at my house unannounced so you're dilemma struck a chord with my own. I feel a huge amount of guilt because she is single (although has pets) and I am in a relationship. When we were both single we relied on each other a lot - holidays and daily phone calls etc. i can't keep doing it. I have a very busy work schedule with shifts and am juggling life with a partner too. It's hard not to catch the guilt.

Original poster

morebrusselsplease · 01/04/2022 11:28

I dont mind doing favours for friends, but when the ask gets too much and is all the time. Likewise, I do want to spend time with friends but i also like my own company and want time to myself too/ Its hard enough fitting in work/family/house/life admin/kids/time to myself as well as giving her all the time she demands.

OP posts:

Original poster

morebrusselsplease · 01/04/2022 11:38

@TicTacToe10sorry to hear that. It must be really hard to give time to your work, partner and friend (plus anything else you have going in). Its almost like you feel guilty for having a partner now. My DH worked abroad for a few years and me and my friend lived in each others pockets during this time (she is a widow). Now my DH is back due to covid; lockdown has made me an introvert and I don't want to go as much as I used to (or go to the mad clubs we used to go to); I'm now looking for a slightly quieter life. But she still wants the same amount/level of contact/going out/crazy nights out.

I don't know what i can suggest to you in your dilemma. You must feel so torn between them both and juggling to keep them both happy. Sending hugs x

OP posts:

dfendyr · 01/04/2022 11:55

@morebrusselsplease

If I'm picking up takeaway (usually curry) then get some for her/ pick up her order and drop to her house

dont tell her you are picking up a takeaway??

or tell her you have to get back?

TicTacToe10 · 01/04/2022 12:04

Yes, it must be hard for you trying to do everything. Has your friend got a partner? Does she have many other friends? It's really hard juggling everything and like you, I just prefer staying in now and cooking etc. i do feel bad though. I just need to find a balance.

Original poster

morebrusselsplease · 01/04/2022 13:43

Just told my DH I am taking my friend to her relatives. It doesn't impact his plans, but he is fuming. I get why he could be fuming but at the same time I also don't get why is so peed off?

OP posts:

TicTacToe10 · 01/04/2022 13:55

Maybe he is fed up of (what he thinks is) you being taking advantage and maybe being treated like a doormat. I know it doesn't impact him but he loves and cares about you and maybe doesn't want to see you get used.

I know some other posters considered him to be controlling etc but it might not be the case and I never normally play Devil's advocate!

TheVillageShop · 01/04/2022 13:59

@SarahBellam

Is this really what she is like, or is this your DH trying to isolate you from your only friend?

I stopped reading at that ^ comment as that was my first and main impression too.

Original poster

morebrusselsplease · 01/04/2022 14:17

She really does ask a hell of a lot of favours/asks/requests from me. The relationship between me and DH is very casual in the fact that we each go out when we want, we have our own money each, we each take holidays with friends if/when we want. I often have no idea where he is if he's out with friend and vice versa. So this is def not DH isolating me or being controlling.

OP posts:

TicTacToe10 · 01/04/2022 14:46

What does your DH say when you ask him why he is peed off?

Original poster

morebrusselsplease · 01/04/2022 14:54

@TicTacToe10

I know some other posters considered him to be controlling etc but it might not be the case and I never normally play Devil's advocate!

yes, I think this is totally the case.

I never asked him why he was peed off today. I just know from his lack of response and walking off from me that he is not happy.

OP posts:

TicTacToe10 · 01/04/2022 14:56

It is hard when you feel duty bound. I would slowly start to reduce flavours - especially money ones but carrying on seeing her like you would in a normal friend capacity

SavageTomato · 01/04/2022 15:17

Jesus, she sounds like a complete sponge and yes, treating you like an unpaid PA. Fuck her and her mini zoo, she wants that, she can stay at home and feed/walk etc them, or pay for sitters like a normal person, not a sponging, selfish bitch. Trip to relatives? Taxis, they are everywhere. Honestly, I'd fuck her off to the far side of fuck and then tell her to fuck off some more. You've been far too accommodating, but appreciate it's hard to change habits overnight. Good luck!

Original poster

morebrusselsplease · 01/04/2022 15:56

@SavageTomato - a complete selfish sponge. I dont want pets because I dont want to have to look after them. In the past she's assumed I will look after her pets when she is either away or working. She has even agreed extra shift hours then practically told me I need to go and sort the pets after the extra hours have been agreed.

I totally feel like an unpaid PA and I have had enough.

I pre-empt her diary so I can try to manage some of the expectations she is going to throw at me. I arrange things around her, as otherwise she would want to come to things I am doing just my sister and me, so these things I arrange when my friend is not due to be around. My sister says she is a piss take and doesn't want her coming out with us. She invites herself to everything and anything.

Draining.

OP posts:

ConkerBonkers · 01/04/2022 16:11

I think she's a user. You need to start setting boundaries. You'll probably find she ditches you. Start to focus on other friendships within your wider circle, so you have your own connections to those people...not just via your friend. It's not worth being a doormat just so that she sprinkles friendship fairy dust and fun in your direction. That's not friendship. It is being used. You need to take back your control and let that lead you where it may. With more self esteem and a happier marriage no doubt. Xxx

Original poster

morebrusselsplease · 01/04/2022 16:23

She once phoned me abroad to tell me she had broken down and to ask me to ask my BIL (AA man) to go and help her (he has helped her before). She knew I was away, she knows my almost every move. I was on a boat trip about the go snorkelling at the time. I literally couldn't believe it.

OP posts:

Sloth66 · 01/04/2022 16:38

Stop replying so quickly, Be vague, be unavailable. You are busy and don’t have the time. Stop automatically agreeing to her requests. She’s using you, and it’s impacting on your life. People like this don’t care about you, it’s all about them.

Newestname002 · 01/04/2022 17:20

@morebrusselsplease

I'm surprised you answered her call. I would not have done and, in fact, would have switched my phone off. I hope you didn't do as she asked?

And, OP, I can see why your DH gets peeved if this is what goes on all the time. 🌹

FarCrowds · 01/04/2022 19:41

What SavageTomato said. I don't know how you have put up with it. But, as others have said, it will be difficult to change. The only way is to

keep saying no or sorry no.

You have been far too accommodating obviously. But she has also been a shameless user!!!!! Asking you to do bits of shopping, help her decorator, take her pets to the petsitter, ring you on holiday with a car problem. And she doesn't even reimburse you properly for the shopping etc!

I started to feel furious just reading your ongoing list. I think you are too now, and that is a difficult thing to come back from in a friendship.

If, and it is an if, you still want to keep this friendship I think the only way to do it is to tell her directly that you can't do the shopping and the pet sitting anymore, you just don't have the time with all your commitments. It will be interesting to see how she responds and "gets the message". Also, not answer her calls all the time, and not tell her what you are doing. But when you have to start monitering and hiding all the time because they can't be trusted to respond respectfully, where is the friendship even?

But she sounds hard work overall. The pushing for involvement in your life when its unwanted (eg seeing your sister) is a horrible feeling. I had a "pushy" friend like that and I had to end the friendship in the end, even though I liked some things about her.

oliviastwisted · 01/04/2022 19:50

I put a version of this on another thread but it applies here too, I read somewhere that the people who put up with selfish behaviour have been trained from very young to put up with selfish behaviour, there are others who just don’t because they haven’t received that training. It might be worth looking at the messages you got in childhood about putting up with other folks poor behaviour and doing some work to counteract those messages.

Original poster

morebrusselsplease · 01/04/2022 21:14

I've just had enough tbh. I can't see why the others in the group don't see it, which makes me think that she doesn't ask them the same of what she asks from me. I know there are 3 for sure in the group that she just would never ask for anything. Kind of makes me wonder how she views me . I see through her gestures and pick out the true alternate motives (or am I reading into them/being a bitch ?) Eg we all get gather at one of houses for dinner. We all bring a Bottle. If One bottle is left over then i think the host should get it, but she always takes it home.

OP posts:

Dacquoise · 02/04/2022 08:11

@oliviastwisted, couldn't agree more with your comments. Women in particular are socialised to put the needs of others first and to take care of people. In a lot of families men are the ones to be taken care of. Pleasing people equates to being a 'nice' person. Also in dysfunctional families doing things for parents can be the only way to receive attention and validation. It's a very common issue that leads to one sided friendships as there are a lot of people out there who hover up other people's inability to say no. I suspect that menopausal rebellion is partly a symptom of overgiving fatigue in women.

JustDanceAddict · 02/04/2022 20:08

@morebrusselsplease

Its my opinion they are cheeky. Dh never stops me and has recently stopped commenting as he gives up (his words). It's difficult to list the asks without being outted. I will give a few: look after her pets (this is huge. She has a lot of pets yet goes away expecting I will pop in to feed them etc or have some of them at mine. I don't have pets myself for a reason),drop her pets to the petsitter, help paint her bedroom, randomly pick up shopping bits for her if she knows I'm at the shop (she is not disabled and has a car) I rarely get the money even though its a few pounds here and there it all adds up, use my netflix account, go car shopping with her (and not because I know anything about cars), continously print stuff for her on my home printer (this was once 60 double sided pages). I often feel like I'm her PA

Wow, that is a lot of asks, no wonder your dh is fed up. I would definitely start saying no and see what happens, if you still get invited out. If not then you know where you stand, unfortunately. Can you make some new friends- idk how old you are but there are always ways even if through an online site like Meet Up.

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