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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend issue

76 replies

morebrusselsplease · 30/03/2022 16:08

NC & I need to write this without being outted.

Friends for 20 years. Over the years the friendship has evolved and has finally reached the state it is now: namely a hell of a lot of asks and favours of me from her. This has come between me and DH who has previously said there are 3 of us in the marriage and says she is a user. Friend is cheeky beyond all limits with her asks and favours; these have grown over the years and are all for her own needs. She is my only close friend. Without her I would have no else to go out with, no one else for girlie nights in and out etc. only through her am I part of a wider group of girls. She can demand a lot of my time, due to her own home set up.

On the other hand, friend is a laugh and we have a great time together and with our group. This can be more on her terms (i.e. where she wants to go etc) but I usually like most of the places she wants to go to. I wouldn't want to not be friends as we have a good time when out. I guess the question I am asking is how do I manage the asks/requests/favours but still be friends ? she doesn't seem to ask other people the same of what she asks me.

She has put me in some really difficult positions with regards to requests/favours/asks of me; at times, my DH has been fuming with me over the amount I do for her and this has on occasions caused friction in our marriage.

I cannot sustain what she asks of me and the awkward positions she unknowingly puts me in (by admitting to her they are awkward positions, it would mean telling her that my DH actually detests her, as a result of her selfishness (his words)).

She is unaware of how awkward she makes things for me. She is unaware of the stress she puts me under. She is unaware of the amount of my time she demands and how much pressure this puts me under. She is unaware of anyone, except herself.

Any advice (other than ditch her) ?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 30/03/2022 16:12

Instead of giving an immediate answer to her requests, start saying you'll get back to her. It stops the panicky answering yes to everything. Then when it suits you, you can message or phone her and say, actually, "I can't manage that/it doesn't suit/I don't want to.

bakebeans · 30/03/2022 16:13

If she is a true friend. Can you not talk to her about the requests she asks of you and say no? You don’t necessarily need to mention your husband

PollyPutTheKettleOnKettleOn · 30/03/2022 16:16

Oh my word, why don't you just talk to her??

SunflowerTed · 30/03/2022 16:29

I think you need to make some new friends

TheArtfulBlogger · 30/03/2022 16:40

@SunflowerTed

I think you need to make some new friends
Very helpful [hmm[

@morebrusselsplease I think you need to decide who is more important, your husband or your friend. If it is your husband then you must speak to your friend and explain exactly how her behaviour is impacting on your life.

A true friend will be mortified and change their behaviour. Your DH sounds v patient!!

thisplaceisweird · 30/03/2022 16:42

You do need to find some other friends and alleviate that desperation on your part.

She is unaware of how awkward she makes things for me. She is unaware of the stress she puts me under. She is unaware of the amount of my time she demands and how much pressure this puts me under. She is unaware of anyone, except herself. You need to make her aware of this. Explain, 'if i do this for you, xyz will happen, so i think this time, I can't'

You need to start saying no, if she pulls back from the friendship then you'll know if she really liked you as a friend or not. You've got nothing to lose.

WhenDovesFly · 30/03/2022 16:57

I'd probably say something like "I've got quite a lot going on at the moment so I can't help you with this. Have you tried asking someone else in the group/one of the other girls?"

Deflect it and suggest she tries someone else. How do you know she's not asking them? Maybe they're just better at setting boundaries and pushing back?

Hawkins001 · 30/03/2022 21:25

What activities are requested of you ?

SarahBellam · 31/03/2022 00:39

Is this really what she is like, or is this your DH trying to isolate you from your only friend?

AbsentmindedWoman · 31/03/2022 05:46

Friend is cheeky beyond all limits with her asks and favours; these have grown over the years and are all for her own needs

I kinda feel we need to know more details about what this actually means?

Is it your opinion that all these favours are cheeky and outrageous, or is that your DH's opinion?

Original poster
morebrusselsplease · 31/03/2022 08:10

Its my opinion they are cheeky. Dh never stops me and has recently stopped commenting as he gives up (his words). It's difficult to list the asks without being outted. I will give a few: look after her pets (this is huge. She has a lot of pets yet goes away expecting I will pop in to feed them etc or have some of them at mine. I don't have pets myself for a reason),drop her pets to the petsitter, help paint her bedroom, randomly pick up shopping bits for her if she knows I'm at the shop (she is not disabled and has a car) I rarely get the money even though its a few pounds here and there it all adds up, use my netflix account, go car shopping with her (and not because I know anything about cars), continously print stuff for her on my home printer (this was once 60 double sided pages). I often feel like I'm her PA

OP posts:
Original poster
morebrusselsplease · 31/03/2022 08:14

If I'm picking up takeaway (usually curry) then get some for her/ pick up her order and drop to her house

OP posts:
Nowomenaroundeh · 31/03/2022 08:18

@SarahBellam

Is this really what she is like, or is this your DH trying to isolate you from your only friend?
I was wondering the same
Bdhntbis · 31/03/2022 08:19

I think you can deflect a lot of it by not telling her when you’re at the shop or take away etc and say you’re busy and can’t make it if she asks you to do things you don’t have time to do.

HollowTalk · 31/03/2022 08:24

This is crazy! First of all change your Netflix password and tell her your husband changed it and that he is including a family member on it instead. Then find your spine! Don't pay for anything for her. Don't do shopping trips or takeaway trips for her. Suggest she asks someone else instead.

Think about it. What would she say if you asked her to do those things? Just say the same thing back.

Original poster
morebrusselsplease · 31/03/2022 08:31

@HollowTalk it's totally crazy.

Its now affecting me mentally.

OP posts:
TicTacToe10 · 31/03/2022 08:42

I have a similar dilemma with one of my friends - I've known her for almost 20 years. Over the last few years we have got closer and up until a year ago were both single. She doesn't drive and I have been guilted into taking her food shopping and picking her up from work.

She also expects daily contact in the form if either a video call or long phone conversation. Over lockdown, we spoke multiple times throughout the day. Both of us were single and bored. I have a bf who has moved in now and I feel bad that I don't have the time for all our conversations like before.

My advice to you is what I am trying to do which is to be more assertive and be honest with her that you simply don't have the time or resources. You still want the friendship but all the constant requests are too much. You have to start standing up for yourself.

lemongreentea · 31/03/2022 08:43

What kind of things does she do for you in return OP?

If nothing then you need to be firm and start putting a stop to things you don't want to do.

Start with netflix. Change the password.

Do you want to keep this friendship? Because it seems your friend is so cheeky she might get offended when you start placing some boundaries with her.

Original poster
morebrusselsplease · 31/03/2022 08:50

@lemongreentea I have rarely asked anything of her. Simply because I know her motto is 'a favour for a favour'. Admittedly, we went for for quite an expensive dinner recently. She said she would pay and treat me, but she hasn't realised just how pricey it was until the bill came. I had several large wines and sat back and let her pay. I made sure I didn't feel guilty. I did contemplate transferring some cash into her account after. But nope. I paid nothing and called it money owed

OP posts:
onewednesdayindecember · 31/03/2022 08:53

@SunflowerTed

I think you need to make some new friends
I think this is helpful actually! It’s not good that you rely solely on this person for all of your socialising. I would actually say that she is aware of how much she’s taking advantage of you and that she doesn’t care. I would get out there and try and meet some new peoples. Join some sort of club or something. Make yourself busy so you don’t feel roped into doing stuff for her. Also, I don’t understand why telling her she’s putting you in awkward positions means telling her your DH detests her?!
billy1966 · 31/03/2022 09:04

So you feel used.
You are being used.
Your husband is upset at you being used.

But your friend using you is more important than the grief she is causing you?

Why does she always know you are at the shops or take away?

OP, it is not fun being married to someone like you.
It's stressful.

I would have very little respect for you if I was married to you and I would feel that you are making it very clear that your friend is your priority despite the stress she causes you and us as a couple.

Your husband has made it clear his upset and you don't care.

If I was married to you I would stop talking about it, and I would detach from you emotionally.

When the above happens it can often be the beginning of the end of a marriage.

You need to stop telling her where you are.
You need to stop funding her.
You need to be les available generally.

Original poster
morebrusselsplease · 31/03/2022 09:11

I have hobbies plus I work FT, go out with DH, have 3 teen DD, a house to run and family. So I have plenty going on in terms of being busy but it is nice to socialise with other girls too. But Im sure she knows that she is my only close friend to do stuff with and she takes advantage of that fact too.

She has asked to borrow certain things in the past, DH has said no to the borrowing (joint things that are quite expensive) for the simple reason that he doesn't trust her or like her (due to all the favours she asks of me), and said why would he lend out pricey things he has paid for and looked after. If she needs X then she can go and buy it, like we had to. I am then put in a difficult position and have to lie as to why she cannot borrow it. She would ask why DH said no, if she knew that was the reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
morebrusselsplease · 31/03/2022 09:17

@billy1966 You need to stop telling her where you are.
You need to stop funding her.
You need to be les available generally.

Totally

OP posts:
gannett · 31/03/2022 09:31

OP she's a user and imo you'd be better off without her as a friend. But I do understand that you want to keep some sort of friendship.

You really need to learn how to say no, and you could do with taking a step back and thinking about why you kept saying yes - why do you feel you needed to do that? Are you a people-pleaser with everyone? Have other people taken advantage of your niceness? Do you feel that her friendship is dependent on you running around after her? Because good friendships aren't like that! I can say "no, sorry, I can't do that" when my friends ask me things and it's not a big deal.

Start saying "no, sorry, I'm busy/I've got a lot on/I've got a prior commitment/I'm feeling a bit exhausted at the moment - so I can't do XYZ for you". You don't have to explain yourself beyond that, you don't have to give details, and a good friend wouldn't make you justify yourself.

Stop telling her when you're going shopping.

Feel free to lie. Your printer's broken and you haven't got round to fixing it, you know how those damn machines are.

gannett · 31/03/2022 09:32

Borrowing things - "sorry DH or DD was planning to use that this week, afraid that won't be possible!"

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