Friend issue

[morebrusselsplease]

NC & I need to write this without being outted.

Friends for 20 years. Over the years the friendship has evolved and has finally reached the state it is now: namely a hell of a lot of asks and favours of me from her. This has come between me and DH who has previously said there are 3 of us in the marriage and says she is a user. Friend is cheeky beyond all limits with her asks and favours; these have grown over the years and are all for her own needs. She is my only close friend. Without her I would have no else to go out with, no one else for girlie nights in and out etc. only through her am I part of a wider group of girls. She can demand a lot of my time, due to her own home set up.

On the other hand, friend is a laugh and we have a great time together and with our group. This can be more on her terms (i.e. where she wants to go etc) but I usually like most of the places she wants to go to. I wouldn't want to not be friends as we have a good time when out. I guess the question I am asking is how do I manage the asks/requests/favours but still be friends ? she doesn't seem to ask other people the same of what she asks me.

She has put me in some really difficult positions with regards to requests/favours/asks of me; at times, my DH has been fuming with me over the amount I do for her and this has on occasions caused friction in our marriage.

I cannot sustain what she asks of me and the awkward positions she unknowingly puts me in (by admitting to her they are awkward positions, it would mean telling her that my DH actually detests her, as a result of her selfishness (his words)).

She is unaware of how awkward she makes things for me. She is unaware of the stress she puts me under. She is unaware of the amount of my time she demands and how much pressure this puts me under. She is unaware of anyone, except herself.

Any advice (other than ditch her) ?

Is your husband your Dad? There is something really awkward about how much weight you are giving to your husband's opinion of your friend. She is your friend, who cares what he things. You have your own voice OP and you can choose your own friends and your own limits. When I have got into a similar scenario in the past my husband stopped conversation about it with me. I was furious but he was making the point that she was my friend and it was my issue. Please learn this too. You are an adult in this situation and you can make your own choices.

If you don't feel strong enough to tackle her yourself, tell your husband to change the Netflix password. When she calls to complain, tell her that he changed it so that there are no spare devices available. You might as well actually change that on Netflix and save yourself some money.

You definitely need to ditch the user and make some new friends. There are many people like this in the world that can target kind people that struggle to say no. Once under their influence they continue to suck the time and life out of you. My 89 year old stepmothers got one that dumps herself on her 3 times a week since the vile stepfather died. Its like one users moved in after another moved out.
Your considering her feelings to much by not saying no. In reality she has no feelings other than that her own needs.
It's OK to say no, and if she begins to avoid you it's because you are of no use to her anymore. Find friends that are genuine and balanced unlike the one way relationship your currently in.

How come you don’t have contacts for the other girls in the group?

I think there is definitely a middle ground between carrying on as you are and ditching her.

For a start - don’t tell her you are getting a takeaway, why does she even know this?

Don’t tell her you are in the shops, again why does she know where you are and what you’re doing all the time?

If she rings when you’re out don’t answer.

If she messages don’t open it and say you hadn’t seen it.

I’m sure sure you’re doing yourself a lot of favours here.

The pets I would personally do, the painting I wouldn’t.

The Netflix password is a non issue, it doesn’t cost you anything for her to use it.

I think some of this is on you. Getting things from the shop whilst you’re there - how does she know you’re there? Same with the takeaway. That should be easy to address.
Change your Netflix password and say you’ve been warned that it’s being accessed by someone not at your address.
But if she’s your only friend it would probably be useful to try make new friends and step away from this friend

How does she know when you are going to the shops or getting a takeaway? If it's because you are telling her then just stop.

I'm trying to work out where the 'favour for a favour' is in this relationship as it is blatantly one sided in her favour. You seem to have built up some resentment, understandably, hence your willingness to accept the expensive meal. However, even a pricey meal does not equate to the time and money she has taken from you.

There are two elements to this, your people pleasing (which causes your DH frustration) and her skewed of friendship ie having someone around to continually exploit.

The first one is the most difficult to deal with. Assertiveness and boundaries are required which may need outside support through counselling. What has led you to equate friendship with overgiving and undertaking? Also to become so dependent on a single friendship to the detriment if other more even, healthy relationships. There isn't an easy fix for this but it can be done with some work on yourself.

As for your friend, she has probably got used to you being her 'PA' and is unlikely to want to reorganise the boundaries to a more equitable friendship. Why would she? I am wondering whether she sees her role as allowing you access to her group of friends? Are you able to develop friendships with the others, at least until you work on your own circle.

This is not a healthy situation which is why it's started to affect you mentally. It sounds like you have reached saturation point with this person and need to take. I hope she is friend enough to talk to or reset the boundaries. Unfortunately from my own experience these relationships tend to die once the gravy train stops but you will feel better not pandering yo someone like this.

@JudyGemstone

The Netflix password is a non issue, it doesn’t cost you anything for her to use it.

Presumably the OP could pay less for fewer devices?

she knows what I am doing because she messages ALL the time with things like 'hey what you doing ' or 'hey what you doing today (or tonight)'. This means she more of less knows my every move. I need to start being a bit more vague and not admitting that I'll be going to the shops at some point in the day or getting a curry in the eve. I can manage that aspect. I will also message her to say that we are savings costs and downgrading the number of netflix logons/accounts we have.

I feel controlled by her, but I have partially enabled an element of this by telling her what I am doing when she has asked. I don't want to lie to her. I

I dont care what DH thinks but i do think its courtesy to check with him before lending out things that are ours and which cost a lot of money. I would be cross if he lent out an expensive joint item without checking with me. The things she is asking to borrow are usually garden related things and i consider them to be more his things anyways as i don't use them ever and he predominantly brought them (with joint funds) because he needed them.

Another example - i told her in passing that I am going to be doing a lot more walking now it is getting warmer. She said 'that's great, I will come too and I can bring my 3 dogs' err, I meant I am going to be walking my route (around the estate, not across fields), when/if i want to, at a time that suits me and for the duration that suits me and it might often be a last minute thing when I go because I have a spare 30 mins.

Note to self - tell her nothing

@morebrusselsplease

Note to self - tell her nothing

Well, yes. This woman is supposed to be your friend, not your mum (and even if she was, as an adult woman who I assume must be at least in her early 40s as you mention teenaged children, you wouldn't have to tell her everything about your life anyway).

Be vague and less available. You don't have to lie or make excuses - just stop responding to messages or taking calls.

Are you afraid of this woman or her disapproval in some way? You do seem to be very in thrall to her for some reason.

@AffIt Be vague and less available

///\ this totally

I'm not afraid of her, I dont know what it is. Its like she says jump and I say how high. I guess I worry about losing her friendship if i dont comply. But then she was never a real friend anyways if that happened. But then i would rather have that, than the other choice which is no girl friend to do anything with at all. Although lately i am starting to think I would rather be alone than at her constant beckon call, which is now at the detriment to my mental health. Since lockdown ended, i have become an introvert. I have always preferred to go shopping alone, regardless if I have anyone to go with or not. I like exercising alone as i can do my thing at my pace and go when/if I want or not go at all if i CBA. I don't want the commitment to have to go, which happens when you go with a friend.

@morebrusselsplease

As you are beginning to realise, the solution is very much in your own control.

• When you see her number come up on your phone, don't be too quick to pick up. Ignore it and call her at your convenience- not hers.
• Disable the camera on your phone so she can't FaceTime you. Leave a good gap from WhatsApp/text messages until it suits you to answer.
• Be as vague as you like, or say you are already busy with your family, friends, whoever if she wants your time and attention
• Have a script in your head for when you DO speak to her. Write down some bullet points if needed
• if you do buy stuff for her, tell her/send her a message of how much she owes you.
• Don't buy things for her if she owes you money. Life is getting more expensive all the time and the next year at least even more so.
• Do tell her she can't borrow expensive, etc stuff from you. Blame your husband if necessary - but do warn him.
• Mute her as much as you can on social media until you are ready to speak to her.

You do need to learn to be more assertive, OP, and stop her (or anyone else) using you as a doormat. It really is better not to have people like this in your life rather than allow yourself to be walked over continually.

BTW the more you learn to protect yourself the easier it gets.

Good luck! 🌹

Tbh it sounds like your choices are start saying no to her or continue as you are and risk your marriage as your husband gets more and more fucked off.

Would it help you to assign a cash value to all of the things you do? Add it up and you see that you are paying for a 'friend'

I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but much of this is on you in terms of how you enable her behaviour.

I am then put in a difficult position and have to lie as to why she cannot borrow it.

This is all quite passive. Instead of being at her beck and call, giving her every detail on what you are doing and lying rather than say no you should know that it's OK to say "No / I don't want to / That doesn't suit me". Same goes for your husband incidentally.

Good luck setting boundaries and getting used to saying no, I hope it goes well.

I had the balls this morning to forward her an email for something I had purchased on her behalf (sigh) which confirmed the order and I also added 'Order was £4, can you send to me as soon as possible plse, thanks''

Might sound pathetic to some, but huge for me. Yes, its only £4 but it all adds up.

I think you need to set some boundaries. You can say "no" and "I don't want to" is a perfectly good reason, being kind about it is also possible. You just need to be assertive.

She isn't your only close friend btw - you have a partner who you've built a life with. Also, Have you thought about reaching out to the rest of the girls in your group and developing more of a friendship with them? You must have pals through your hobbies too?

I'm not saying bin this friend off by any means, but it is possible to make new friends as an adult and it might make you feel a bit more confident about setting the aforementioned boundaries.

@morebrusselsplease

Another example - i told her in passing that I am going to be doing a lot more walking now it is getting warmer. She said 'that's great, I will come too and I can bring my 3 dogs' err, I meant I am going to be walking my route (around the estate, not across fields), when/if i want to, at a time that suits me and for the duration that suits me and it might often be a last minute thing when I go because I have a spare 30 mins.

Note to self - tell her nothing

To this I’d say that’s great I’d love to do some longer walks with you and the dogs. I’m also just going to have some me time on some short walks and listen to music / audio books.

@morebrusselsplease

I had the balls this morning to forward her an email for something I had purchased on her behalf (sigh) which confirmed the order and I also added 'Order was £4, can you send to me as soon as possible plse, thanks''

Might sound pathetic to some, but huge for me. Yes, its only £4 but it all adds up.

That’s a really good first step. It demonstrates that you’re going to ask for her to pay back small items ai she might stop asking you. You need to keep doing this consistently. Work out what your boundaries and going to be and keep them in place

How are you getting on, OP?

@TicTacToe10

How are you getting on, OP?

@TicTacToe10 I'm trying to be more assertive & not think/worry about my actions. For example, she has asked me to give her a lift to her relatives soon as her car will be in the garage (long story !). Its a 25 minute trip/50 mins round trip for me. I wasn't going to ask for petrol money, I have to pay a bridge toll fee during the trip. I've actually messaged her to ask her to pay me for the toll fee and petrol. I'm fed up of forking out of my pocket all the time.

Well done OP, you are being assertive with her and she will either appreciate the favours you are doing for her and respect you by paying up for things that would eitherwise cost you or she will get throw a tantrum. Stay strong and dont allow her to bully you.

its also the case that I have an easy work set up as I have always worked from home, my company has never had an office. She uses this to her advantage, I am always around in the day and she has asked me on occasions to go feed/sort the mini zoo she has at her house (she has a lot of pets). I don't want to spend my lunchtime sorting stuff for her or anyone else