Mind games/control

[EmmaMarie18]

It's been about a week and a half since we had a stupid row which was his reasoning for going out and not coming home for entire weekend 🤯
So he's hardly spoken to me since and turned it around that he's annoyed with me texting his mother 'getting her involved' as I was worried he hadn't come home!
Today now he came home from work didn't speak again! I was popping to the shops and asked if we needed anything trying to be decent where he said something for our dinner..so off I trot to the shops..cook our food..then it's straight back to not speaking to me again! Is he taking the piss?!?!
I've now been laying in bed for the last 3 hours can't sleep and thinking everything over in my mind 😔
We have kids a mortgage and been together nearly 5 years but I feel so bloody miserable

Is this repeated behaviour? Sounds awful OP. I couldn't live like that

@foodaddict21 constantly!! My birthday was over the weekend too and I didn't even have a card he even told my little girl I'm too grumpy so he didn't get me anything 🤯

I know I've got another day of feeling like crap now while he's in work 😔 I really don't know what to do but I know it ain't living..he doesn't appreciate me I'm 100% taken for granted and feel so unloved..all the stress I can eat or sleep and he just goes about his business as normal not a care in the world

*can't even

He’s got his eye on someone else, or a single life, and turning on you so he has an excuse to leave.

I've thought for ages there's someone else 🤷🏼‍♀️ but at the same time he's been like this for years..we argue over something stupid..then I have days of the silent treatment and snapping until he's ready to talk to me and everything's all fine (according to him anyway)

The best thing to do if you don't ask him to leave is act like he is not bothering you.

Take the kids out without him and have a jolly good time with them.

He is trying to punish you so act like it is not working.

He will not be happy that you are having fun with the kids so he will end up fed up himself.

He sounds like a great big baby.

Don't let him see that you are upset.

It is emotional abuse.

You should tell him to leave though.

Good luck.

Agree with all that SkiingIsHeaven says above. This man is an arse.

Also, dreadful example to set to your DC, involving her in the argument by saying Mummy is too grumpy to have a birthday present.

Not coming home for days - unacceptable. Next time, lock him out.

He's annoyed that you texted his mother because his totally unreasonable behaviour has been highlighted.

Do you need this for the next 30 years?

If your children were being treated like this by their partners what would you say to them?
At the moment it would have to be 'I know you're putting up with this because that's what I taught you by accepting how your Dad treated me'.

@Giggorata good god noooooooo

He paints a lovely picture to others that he's a nice guy he only panicked who I had told about him not coming home unreal!

It's just all making me so ill 😔

It will make you ill. I disengaged from my DH, makes life so much easier, and gives you time to think and plan.

You do know this is abusive? It’s punishing you to get you to conform to what he sees as ‘acceptable behaviour’. It’s a common method of bullying and. control used by narcissists (I am NOT saying he’s a narcissist because I’m not a psychologist and I’ve never met him so can’t make that diagnosis). I’ll bet he has a string of previous relationships that have broken down for this reason. I used to date one of these. I lasted 2 years and really should have got out the first time it happened. Here’s the thing: he knows EXACTLY how he’s making you feel. He knows you feel awful, and off centre, and have feelings of dread and anxiety, and he’s choosing to do it anyway. He won’t change - this is hard wired. You just need to decide how you’re going to manage your response to it, but if you stay with him, be prepared for this to get steadily worse. And stop cooking him dinner when he can’t even give you the courtesy of being pleasant to you. Stop doing anything for him.

@Wiredforsound you've hit the nail on the head..I speak to his ex and it's always been civil which is easier which he hates and I always keep that relationship at arms length but she's told me a thing or two and it's definitely history repeating itself he makes me feel sick

I left one of these last year,

This is emotional abuse, it won't get better.

Your children can see this, and are learning that this is what relationships look like and will repeat the patterns.

You need to leave, the emotional damage he is doing to you is severe, and I guarantee when you have left, you will realise a thousand other ways he is abusing you now.

This is abuse , now he's bringing the children into it. You need to split up.

Hang on- so he’s annoyed you involved his Mum (out of worry) but he involved your CHILD (out of pettiness)?

He sounds horrible to be honest. Anyone who gives silent treatment as ‘punishment’ to another adult is emotionally trying to abuse them imo. Don’t let him. Go about your life like he isn’t even there, he’ll soon get bored. Or leave him, he does sound really manipulative.

What the other respondents have written about emotional abuse here; his ongoing silent treatment is a further example of that. Your children cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons about relationships and the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

Read the threads “Divorcing sulking husband” or along them lines - if anyone has a link, I am unsure how to do it.

There is a lot of good advice in them re emotional abuse

It's crazy cos one minute I know 100% it's abuse then I can hear myself minimising what he's doing but then I suppose that's part of it 🤷🏼‍♀️
He's home from work all weekend but I'm strongly thinking of getting the house valued when he's in work next week and telling him we're selling he won't like not having control but I can't go on like I am!

I've literally lost nearly a stone in a week with worry and stress there's got to be more to life than this

This is horrible OP. I can’t believe you have been going through this for years.
The worst thing is that he isn’t only controlling you when he is home but even when he is in work. Do you have someone you can talk to about this?

So...he missed both your birthday and Mother's Day at the weekend?

Sounds like he started the whole row/storming out, to deliberately avoid having to acknowledge these days. If he told your 5-year old 'after the events' that he wasn't giving you anything, then he obviously hadn't bought/done/booked anything prior to the events.

He's an arse and a manipulative bully. What a charmer you have there OP. The question now is...what are you going to do now to improve your life?

Classic emotional abuse and coercive control.
Please consider leaving.

How many children do you have?

We have three altogether 12, 11 and 3 the two
Eldest are from previous relationships and our 3 year old is our DS

My daughter (the oldest) can see now how sad I am and she's told her dad 😔

He's home all weekend so I'm guna get that out the way even tho I'm on pins how it's guna be then I'll be booking a valuation next week while he's in work

I feel alone as all my family and friends are 35 miles away we live where we are for him to be close to his oldest child

Please talk to Women's aid.

He is an abuser.

This is who he is.

Tell your Ex if you have a good relationship and tell your family.

You need to sell the house and you need to move back to where you used to live.

Stop thinking about him and worrying about him.

Detach.

He is abusive, you need to focus on a plan to get away with your two children.

Tell EVERYONE how abusive he is.

Ask for help.

Get that valuation.

See if you can stay with family.
If you can, pack your bags and take your children.

Your 12 year old is definitely suffering in this abusive home.

Get her and you out.

Reach out for help.

Get copies together of all financials.