Mind games/control

[EmmaMarie18]

It's been about a week and a half since we had a stupid row which was his reasoning for going out and not coming home for entire weekend 🤯
So he's hardly spoken to me since and turned it around that he's annoyed with me texting his mother 'getting her involved' as I was worried he hadn't come home!
Today now he came home from work didn't speak again! I was popping to the shops and asked if we needed anything trying to be decent where he said something for our dinner..so off I trot to the shops..cook our food..then it's straight back to not speaking to me again! Is he taking the piss?!?!
I've now been laying in bed for the last 3 hours can't sleep and thinking everything over in my mind 😔
We have kids a mortgage and been together nearly 5 years but I feel so bloody miserable

@billy1966 is womens aid anonymous do U know

@emmamarie18 yes it is, they are really good x

@JLBear12 I'll give them a bell today and see what they can help with thank you

I just feel trapped but sometimes I think this was his plan to isolate me from family and friends

Abusers always try and isolate, dominate, and control their victims.

You moving 35 miles away, was not an accident.

Tell people what is going on.

Stop keeping his dirty secret.

Tell his mother the truth.

The more people you tell the truth to, the more you are taking your power back.

Tell them how trapped and controlled you feel.

Give people the chance to help you.

@EmmaMarie18 I stayed in a relationship with a suspected narcissist for years even though I was fed up and didnt even realise I was being abused. He left me a while ago and the aftermath for me is horrendous, please get out whilst you can xx

OP the 24hr national line for Women's Aid can get really busy so if you struggle to get through try this. Scroll down this link til you get to 'A-Z list of services' and enter your area and it will give you details of your local services. They may not be open 24hrs like the main line but are often easier to get through to when they are open and are still completely anonymous/confidential. Please call and get some advice, you don't deserve to live or be treated like this www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

@StormyWindow thank you so much 🥰

I'm so down at the way things are but started thinking if I'm away from the tool of a man yeah I'll be sad for a bit but it won't be forever I suppose just take each day as it comes

Yes of course you will grieve for the relationship you hoped for, but you will get through that.

You have a 12 year old child stuck in a house witj a man who is abusing her mother.

She sees what is going on.

Her childhood has well and truly ended.

I mean this very kindly, but if you feel any hesitation, would you ask her would she like to live with her father full time for a while if it was possible?

It is so bad for your child to see what is happening in your home.

She must be so quietly distressed at seeing how you are veing treated.

Please reach out for help.

As if he told your kids you were too grumpy fir a birthday treat.

You can label it as abuse and controlling. But also trust your gut and how you feel. Because regardless of whether he's ticking all the abusive boxes he's being an arse and making you feel horrible which is what matters. When someone is making you feel this bad its not working.

Are you scared of him?

@Saveadayx not physically scarred he's never done anything violent to me..he has punched walls broken his hand in the process it's just the mind games and the emotional side of him that really gets me down he sees what it does to me and I'm sure he enjoys it

We went out a few weeks back and two random men on separate occasions, who I didn't know, told me he's no good and a waste of my time, what does that say 🤷🏼‍♀️

There's only two ways this can go.

You have one last conversation about how you feel. Write a letter or email if you feel face to face will be too difficult . Tell him exactly what you are done with, what you want and you'll be going if it doesn't change

Or you do it now. You walk away and think I've had enough. You've got to be at the end of your line with him though. There's often that stage of push and pull if the abuser is clever at reeling the person back in.

Have you family you can turn to?

@Saveadayx all my family and close friends are about 35 miles away from me 😔

OP I spent 25 years with one like this. I stayed because I could not explain to myself what it was that was making me so unhappy. He never yelled, called me names or lay a hand on me, so perfect husband, right? However, I was feeling very sad and unhappy. Finally I decided to take some counselling to see if I could untangle that knot. First thing she told me was that I was being emotionally abused. I could not believe it, “abused”?!? She then said that some of the things he was exhibiting were narcissistic traits and when I looked it up it was all there, black on white. Sense of entitlement or superiority, lack of empathy, manipulative or controlling behavior, need for admiration, focus on getting one’s own needs met, often ignoring the needs of others, difficulty taking feedback about their behavior, gaslighting, deflecting and the list goes on and on. One thing that was hardest for me was silent treatments. Once we did not communicate properly for three months, just basic exchanges. During this time I would always try to maintain appearance of normality so that my kids would not notice something was wrong. This would take all my energy. I thought I would lose my mind. By the end, I was feeling tired, sad, grumpy and was feeling like I will get very sick and die. Could not take it anymore, so I told him I wanted to split up. It has been a year and he still tells everyone how he has no idea why I dumped him as he was such an amazing husband.

I say, just dump him. You do not need us to tell you so and you do not have to explain it to anyone, even to yourself. Just listen to your instincts. He makes you miserable and you want out. Simple as that. You can do it!!!!

@movingon2022 this sounds so like me!!

He literally text me before coming home from work to say that HE is still angry at me for texting his mother more than once whilst he was on his bender and that I should leave him alone

I've spent the evening downstairs on my own whilst he's sat up in the attic room

I'm giving it the weekend and planned that whilst he's in work Monday I'll do what he does and text to say he's not to come back lock the house up and he's to go back to his applauding mother!! Off he f*%$s

I've got my plan in mind now and feel so much more head strong today, I know I'll get good and bad days but I'm determined!

His delightful mother picked our little boy up from school today as she normally does then comes to our house (I can't stand the woman)

Anyway, I'm still being ignored but today has been another kick in the teeth! He literally made food for him and the kids, I've hardly eaten in the last two weeks, he sat at the table with the kids didn't even ask if I wanted anything or even just put a plate for me! His mother was here to see it too and didn't say a word surely she's not that blind! My mother would have wiped the floor with me if I did what he did 🤯

His behaviour is just pure spiteful! I just know how the weekend is going to go but I really hope he's prepared for what's coming 🙈 all his own doing though!!!! I'm actually starting to feel angry about it all now

[quote EmmaMarie18]@Giggorata good god noooooooo

He paints a lovely picture to others that he's a nice guy he only panicked who I had told about him not coming home unreal!

It's just all making me so ill 😔[/quote]
You know this is abuse, op and he won't change.
But you will change - your mental and physical health will go down the tubes inch by inch.
Believe me it's no way to live - life is much better when you're not living on a knife edge.

Seems like the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree then, if his mother watched him do that to you.

I wouldn't trust her any further than you can throw her.

His mother is scum, just like her son, to stand and witness that.

Please, please, contact the police and tell them of your plan.

Tell them he has been abusing you and you have finally found the courage to get him out.

Tell them how scared of him you are.
How quietly threatening he is.

Then you can tell him in your text that the police have been informed.
You can tell his mother that you have informed the police of his abuse too.

Let them know that you are not being bullied any longer.

Scum like them don't like people knowing the truth.

Tell your own family too, and your friends.

Have you access to money?
Take it out.

Tell his ex what is going on and just how awful he has been.

Don't cook for him, no laundry or any other "wife work". He is not behaving like a decent partner, so does not deserve any consideration!

Oh, and don't sit starving yourself, op.
Look after yourself and make sure you eat well - you have a big adventure coming up and he has a fucking big shock coming his way.

@KissedintheDark that made me lol and a big shock he's guna have!!!

Its only been me my daughter and little boy at home for the past two hours cos he coaches football and its been so calm and relaxed just dread him coming back 😔 just guna ignore his sorry ass tho

Good luck with your new, better life-to-come. You will feel like a burden has been lifted off you.

@IsThePopeCatholic I hope so 🤞🏻

I feel a lot more head strong today playing him at his own game..ignoring him lol he's a muppet!!!!

He is 100% a control freak!!!!!!!!!!

I went out for food with the girls yesterday left the house around half 6..by half 8 hes texting me offering to come and pick me up 🤯🤯🤯

I haven't spoken to him all week don't hear off him no conversation nothing! Funny how his two days on the lash was ok and how he saw me being out 2 hours was obvioulsy enough...he's on his own planet!

I hope you didn't reply?