Am I in the wrong or is he being pathetic?

[IdiotIntrusion]

Brand new job. Been here a few weeks. Went away for business for two days/one night to visit one of the other offices and whilst I was there, swapped my laptop bag with manager's.

Get home, start getting questioned on why I smell 'like another man' and that I can't even be trusted to go away once. I stated it was the new bag - pointed to the evidently different bag to what I left the house with - and asked if he was joking. Yes, the bag does smell strongly of manager's aftershave but there was no 'man scent' on me or my clothes.

Then he starts questioning what 'that smell is'. Saying it smells like 'human sweat'. So essentially saying I also smell like sex. Keep in mind it's bloody roasting outside and I'd been sat in a car for 3.5 hours so clearly wasn't going to be in the freshest condition.

When I ask why he doesn't trust me he states he does but his ex cheated on him. I have no time for that excuse as I found out my ex husband had several secret families (incl. children) whilst we were married so it's a pathetic excuse to use.

It's now been two days and he won't talk to me. All this because I swapped a laptop bag with my manager. I understand him asking what 'that that other man smell is' but this is just getting ridiculous. I'm going to be expected to go away for business frequently with this new role and I feel like I'm going to have this every time I go away or I'm just going to have to end the relationship.

Is it actually me that's in the wrong here for going away for business for two days or is he being an absolute pathetic man child?

He's a creep. Get rid sooner rather than later, before he gets worse.

[quote EthelTheAardvark]@newbiename, OP has answered that question. Not that it's relevant to anything.[/quote]
I know. I was asking why @tempester28 was asking.

He's always comparing me to her. I don't think a day goes by where he doesn't mention her. Or he tries to compare himself to my ex by saying how much better than him he is.

How tiresome. I couldn't be putting up with that.

He hates them. Feels like animals are below humans and that their lives don't matter.

Oh OP, that gives me the creeps.

Please please disentangle yourself from this very toxic man. You sound lovely and are worth so much more! So are your cats!
They are sentient beings too. And they need you. I can't bear the thought of him being cruel to them while you are out.

You know this is not going to get better. Get him out of your life and it will be SO much better! Your new job is a whole new world opening up to you. Grab it with both hands. Don't let him drag you down.

amazing human being
animal abuser
compares you to his ex every day
insanely jealous
sulks and ignores you
limits your social life
not an amazing human being

Oh, and I agree with everyone. Ask him to leave, get help with the police and women's aid - always helps to have all the security you need, and it's available.
Keep those neighbours on speed dial and get a professional in to change the locks.

Please take this seriously. Upthread someone mentioned cruelty to animals as being psychopathic. It's true, and well-documented.

My ex many years ago tried to strangle me when I told him I was leaving - I know now you never do that, just go when he is out and it is safe to leave - so I am just cautioning you to have all safety measures in place.

You can do this.

You do really need some counselling, otherwise your next relationship could be abusive too. You've said what he is like, and it's big red flags saying abusive, but for some reason you are not seeing it. How can you be hesitating with getting him to leave? The only delay should be to sort petcare out while you are away. He has no claim to be there, so if he won't go, phone the police. Then ask yourself why on earth you have put up with this poor excuse of a man, there were probably signs before he moved in - which clearly you did way to soon, I recommend waiting at least 2 years (thats time enough for the mask to slip).

Your fear comes across in your posts. Fear has no place in a loving relationship. Contact the police and say you are scared of his reaction when you ask him to leave. Are they able to assist in getting him out of the house and while you get the locks changed?

Even leaving aside the insane jealousy, you're scared he'll hurt you or your pet if you ask him to leave. He is seriously fucked up and you're frightened of him.
I think your idea of staying quiet tonight is wise but only if you're absolutely sure you're not at risk. Any hint of trouble ring 999 obviously.
Then as soon as he's gone to work, call an emergency locksmith. Enlist anyone who can stay with you for a while if possible.
Definitely tell neighbours.
Womens' Aid can be very helpful. Prepare to have a wait getting through, but it's worth it if you don't have much support nearby.
My DD was advised to get a ring doorbell and sensor lights as soon as possible after ending things with a nasty man. Might make you feel less on edge.
And again, the slightest hint that he's going to be violent or try to force his way in, you ring 999.
Is there a third party who could collect his belongings?
You owe this bloke nothing. And I think this controlling jealousy has been the final straw. It's not the only problem, just the latest one in a list.
You obviously had a heap of concerns already which you were trying to ignore.
You don't deserve this.

Went can't got finish with him today? If anything do it for your pets, they rely on you to keep them safe.

Why not went.

Not read the full thread but I have been in this situation and my sense is he is projecting because he has cheated on you and/or coercive controlling by trying to stop you from going on further work trips.

I was once accused of cheating because I had scratches on my back.

Another time I was in London on business overnight and he kept calling asking to speak to my colleagues under the guise of asking them to look after me but really it was so he could check I was where I said I was.

When I got home late the next night, he locked me out of the house. I can see now that was my punishment for going away.

Don’t return the bag or stop going away. You’ve done nothing wrong and do not have to prove that.

If you are not ready to break up, ask him to move out for a while as you need space to decide if you want to be with someone who does not trust you.

Be prepared however for him to push back…