Am I in the wrong or is he being pathetic?

[IdiotIntrusion]

Brand new job. Been here a few weeks. Went away for business for two days/one night to visit one of the other offices and whilst I was there, swapped my laptop bag with manager's.

Get home, start getting questioned on why I smell 'like another man' and that I can't even be trusted to go away once. I stated it was the new bag - pointed to the evidently different bag to what I left the house with - and asked if he was joking. Yes, the bag does smell strongly of manager's aftershave but there was no 'man scent' on me or my clothes.

Then he starts questioning what 'that smell is'. Saying it smells like 'human sweat'. So essentially saying I also smell like sex. Keep in mind it's bloody roasting outside and I'd been sat in a car for 3.5 hours so clearly wasn't going to be in the freshest condition.

When I ask why he doesn't trust me he states he does but his ex cheated on him. I have no time for that excuse as I found out my ex husband had several secret families (incl. children) whilst we were married so it's a pathetic excuse to use.

It's now been two days and he won't talk to me. All this because I swapped a laptop bag with my manager. I understand him asking what 'that that other man smell is' but this is just getting ridiculous. I'm going to be expected to go away for business frequently with this new role and I feel like I'm going to have this every time I go away or I'm just going to have to end the relationship.

Is it actually me that's in the wrong here for going away for business for two days or is he being an absolute pathetic man child?

@IdiotIntrusion

I can't believe I've managed to get in to this situation again. I left my ex husband due to emotional/financial abuse and I've gone and put myself in it again.

Please don't blame yourself. These types are attracted to 'our' types and because they put on an act showing that they are kind, caring, generous, whatever, we let them in. You'll know the rest.

It's not your fault, he is the one choosing to behave the way he is. All of his behaviour is intentional.

Why are you worried about leaving him?

@IdiotIntrusion

I can't believe I've managed to get in to this situation again. I left my ex husband due to emotional/financial abuse and I've gone and put myself in it again.

Please don't blame yourself. Abuser target victims, not the other way around. You can get him out of the house. Especially if its yours.

Tell him to leave. You deserve better than this, which is likely the thin end of the wedge.

@IdiotIntrusion

I think it's because we live together that I feel like I can't leave. It's 100% my house (owned). We're only in a relationship so he has no legal standing here.

Ah, cross posted. Do you feel unable to ask him to leave? Do you feel unsafe, physically or emotionally?

@Daffodilis Oh my god! I can't even imagine what went through your head. To tell you your child had died just because he didn't want to 'babysit' his own kids?!

I know I need to get out of this. I just don't think I'm strong enough to do it.

I think I'm worried about what will happen if I tell him to get out.

What if he refuses? What if it turns physical?

Yes... I think I'm scared.

Can you contact Women's Aid?

[quote IdiotIntrusion]@Daffodilis Oh my god! I can't even imagine what went through your head. To tell you your child had died just because he didn't want to 'babysit' his own kids?!

I know I need to get out of this. I just don't think I'm strong enough to do it.[/quote]
Of course you are strong enough, what does this man bring to your table apart from humiliation and pain. Channel your inner phoenix before he snubs you out completely. The longer you stay the harder it becomes. I know I probably sound dramatic, but needs must when in your situation.

What if he refuses? What if it turns physical

You're not just scared, you're physically scared. If nothing else, recognise that this completely negates anything amazing about him.

Anybody who makes their partner feel physically threatened is not an amazing partner, even if they are perfect in every other aspect.

@IdiotIntrusion

I think I'm worried about what will happen if I tell him to get out.

What if he refuses? What if it turns physical?

Yes... I think I'm scared.

Has he turned physical before? I'm not suggesting he won't of course, I'm just trying to gauge the likelihood of escalation and how far he will go.

In your position, I would go one of two ways. Tell him, coolly and calmly, that you want him to move out. Collect some things/overnight bag and you will arrange next week for him to get the rest of his things. Have your phone charged and to hand to call 999 and have him removed.

If you think he will kick off aggressively to the point you are in danger, the safest option would be to lock him out (can you put your key in the lock and turn it to stop him getting back in?) the next time he goes out, and have a male or three over at the house with you for when he returns. Have his stuff bagged up and ready to throw out the window at him. Police if he refuses to leave your property.

You're not married and it's your house. Biff him - he's an absolute tosser. Wait till he goes out, call a locksmith, pack his stuff and send him a message that his stuff is ready to pick up and the relationship just isn't working for you. I can't even begin to imagine a man behaving like this to me. I would just have rage - it's probably why nobody has behaved like this to me.

It's never been physical but he can be a very aggressive/hot headed person.

I have pets so leaving him alone in the house with them would make me uneasy if I had just told him I wanted him out.

No way of locking him out as it's one of those turn locks on the inside.

I don't have any family left and don't have any friends close by that could come over for support.

Do I wait until he goes to work tomorrow and just keep quiet until then? If I give him an idea that something isn't right I don't think he would leave the house.

See this as your turning point. He is clearly not a good partner / bf. He is trying to control you, he's taken the shine off your new job when you should be enjoying it, he's then blaming another woman (cheating ex) for his feelings. The fact you're scared what he'll do when you ask him to leave tells you all you need to know.

You need to get rid. You deserve better than this vile man with his double-standards and his controlling and sulking and general childish behaviour.

The good news - you aren't married, you don't have children, it's your house, you have a great new job.

Do you have someone who could support you while you tell him to leave?

Sorry x-posted.

Yes I think wait for him to go to work then get the locks changed and send him a message.

Your safety is the most important thing here, much more important than his feelings or inconvenience. Could any of your friends come across tomorrow to give you moral support? You could even ask a friendly neighbour - I know if a neighbour I didn't know asked for help in something like this I'd be happy to give it.

In the meantime, could you say you aren't well this evening so you don't have to interact much and he won't be suspicious of any 'off' behaviour?

''Amazing human''!!!???? He's a pathetic creature! Raise your standards fast. You sound nice and deserve better

He's stayed upstairs since I came home on Thursday, playing on games. We've had very little interaction as it is.

I can text next door... they've always been kind.

Thanks god it's your house, does he pay towards bills, food?

OP when I was younger I dated a man who was a little older and behaved the way your partner does. He once accused me of sleeping with someone because they lived the floor below me in a 15 floor block of flats... apparently the man saying hello once was enough. It escalated to me not being able to wear leggings, him demanding I work for his parents whilst telling everyone I was too lazy to work. Eventually it turned physical and he admitted to attacking my pet cats whilst I was at university and "imagining" they were me. He had me move to his hometown and isolated me from friends. The ordeal lasted 3 years. I got out and he still tried to slander me to everyone and when I provided police documents to those he tried to lie to spun it to say I was unstable and a bitter ex.

When I left loads of cheating and lies were discovered. Which is likely why he was so paranoid.

This all happened close to 10 years ago. But it started out just like your partner. Random accusations of cheating and tantrums. Get out please.

To be fair, posters on MN have accused people of cheating on much less evidence.

To answer your question, he's not being pathetic, he's got trust issues that he hasn't resolved yet.

You have to decide whether you want to (a) end the relationship over this, or (b) work with him to address those issues and improve your relationship.

Either of those is valid, your choice probably depends on how much you value the relationship.

I have pets so leaving him alone in the house with them would make me uneasy if I had just told him I wanted him out

Why??

He pays half the bills and towards food.

I would've hoped after over a year he would be over the fact his ex cheated on him. I've never given him reason to doubt; I work from home 100% of the time (until recently), he has full access to my phone, I very rarely go out with friends but if I do then he's invited (my friends are couples, he's not intruding).

He's always comparing me to her. I don't think a day goes by where he doesn't mention her. Or he tries to compare himself to my ex by saying how much better than him he is.

@Watchkeys

I have pets so leaving him alone in the house with them would make me uneasy if I had just told him I wanted him out

Why??

He hates them. Feels like animals are below humans and that their lives don't matter.

@UnvarnishedTruth

To be fair, posters on MN have accused people of cheating on much less evidence.

To answer your question, he's not being pathetic, he's got trust issues that he hasn't resolved yet.

You have to decide whether you want to (a) end the relationship over this, or (b) work with him to address those issues and improve your relationship.

Either of those is valid, your choice probably depends on how much you value the relationship.

Oh don't be so dense. This is an unhealthy relationship for either male or female. I'd say the same to a man as to a woman. Do you think encouraging someone to stay with an abuser is wise? Seriously give your head a wobble!

He hates them. Feels like animals are below humans and that their lives don't matter

Yes, and that's up to him. What difference would it make to them what he feels? What action do you think he might take?

Don’t leave him with your pets. Trust your instincts on that one. He sounds like he will do appalling things to hurt you.

Can you alert your neighbour about the situation? Can they even have your pets for a short while? Would you be safer to tell him while he’s out, having already bagged up his stuff and placed it outside? Can you even have the locks changed while he’s out? How long is he likely to be out for at any one time? Does he work out of the home?

If so, I’d talk to work about taking a personal day (explain if you feel it would warrant it) arrange a change of locks, pack his belongings and then tell him he is not to return to the house. You’ll have alerted your neighbour who will be able to contact the police of your not able and he turns up to become aggressive.

You’ve been conditioned by him so you’ll feel guilty and like you’re the one in the wrong, but you’re not. You’re really, really not.

TFI your house, and yours alone.